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Original poster

Frustrated and disappointed - just realised I am a ‘virtual’ friend

28 replies

Ooonafoo · 24/03/2023 15:55

Old ‘best’ friend from teenage years. Always v close - thought we had an intense an emotionally open friendship.

She doesn’t live far but is rarely free for a physical meet up. Either ignores my requests, promises ‘next week’ and doesn’t follow through etc.

She initiates texts regularly and will phone impulsively when she has something to say but I find it had to pin her down to meet up.

I am just realising that this is unsatisfactory and I don’t want to be a virtual friend - I want to meet up and do stuff.

Is this normal to expect this or do others just tolerate a virtual friendship?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ooonafoo · 26/03/2023 08:34

MermaidMummy06 · 26/03/2023 07:33

I've managed to get one of these virtual friends. Once our DC started school we went from meeting up 1-3 days a week to her never being free to catch up or flaking out and cancelling last minute, even on things she'd set up (so often I always had back up plans) - despite her being an SAHM with few responsibilities outside the kids (who were with grandparents a lot). She'd constantly message me with long conversations. I live ten minutes drive away so she could easily drive over for a coffee, but she doesn't have the time, apparently.

I think she genuinely thinks the message friendships are good enough, whereas it really just allows her to be very selfish. If it's something SHE wants to do (like playdates to occupy her DC or an abroad wedding of her DH's friends next year) she'll go all out to organise and attend.

I've learned to treat the friendship for what it is - a casual friendship where we do playdates occasionally, kids' parties and a chat via text or at the school gate. I don't emotionally invest in the friendship and don't allow myself to be taken advantage of, but I WFH and the DC all get along so the minimal contact still works. For now.

This seems quite close to it. I know she has anxieties she does have one or two other friends who she seems to meet with (I have never met with them) - also we live 30 mins apart and I alway go to her and she never comes to my part of town although one of these friends lives past me and she will drive 45 mins to meet her.

I suppose this was the slippery slope where I just always agreed to meet on her patch which I was aware was unequal but accommodated for the friendship - but now I don’t even get that.

I think the idea of her is tied up emotionally in my family who have passed away or live abroad as she knew them well.

The disappointments keep hurting though.

OP posts:
Blip · 26/03/2023 09:19

I have a couple of virtual relationships that are really important to me.
One is a friend in Australia who I have never met in RL and it's not likely that we ever will. We share interests and provide a lot of emotional support to each other and communicate via messenger/Instagram.
The other is a long term friend who lives a long way away but still in the UK. I have a long phonecall with her most weeks.

Original poster
Ooonafoo · 26/03/2023 19:17

Blip · 26/03/2023 09:19

I have a couple of virtual relationships that are really important to me.
One is a friend in Australia who I have never met in RL and it's not likely that we ever will. We share interests and provide a lot of emotional support to each other and communicate via messenger/Instagram.
The other is a long term friend who lives a long way away but still in the UK. I have a long phonecall with her most weeks.

I think that’s a totally different situation. I have such friends and family as well.

I don’t think it’s too much to meet face to face 3 times a year if you are only 30 mins from each other.

OP posts:
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