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Original poster

How can I avoid middle child problems

47 replies

Adviceforchange · 24/03/2023 12:22

Hi

I have 3 beautiful children. I am a SAHM and am lucky in that I can give each one lots of attention.

But even though I try really hard to give everyone attention and make sure I spend time Individually with all 3, my middle child is really struggling since my 3rd baby arrived in November. The guilt is eating me up. I feel beyond guilty and don't know what to do. I love them all equally and ensure that my partner carries baby etc when we are out so it's not always me with baby.

What can I do? I hate this and I desperately want each child to feel equally loved regardless of position in family.

Please does anyone have any positives of being the middle if three? I want to fix things now.

We were so close before baby 3 came along and its breaking my heart.

Thank you so much in advance xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Adviceforchange · 24/03/2023 18:17

Can anyone help? X

OP posts:
JustCollateralDamage · 17/11/2023 01:14

Oh no! No one responded. Wondering how its been going for you 8 months on.

I was wondering if you could arrange for someone to come over a few hours each week (parent or nanny) and have one on one time with your eldest and middle child.

This might be a little idealistic though. I feel like this is something that will get easier in time as you youngest gets older.

Morag273 · 17/11/2023 02:15

Also sorry to see you didn’t get a response and also wondering how you are getting on?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
YireosDodeAver · 17/11/2023 02:27

I'm a middle child but I don't think I can give much advice. It's not a nice place to be.

One thing I think mt parents did right was to send me and my younger sibling to a different school than our eldest sibling. Oldest siblings are often over-achievers who are a difficult act to follow. Being the 'oldest' in a school context really helped. But there wasn't much they could to mitigate at home. I carved out my own "I am different and not just the middle one of three" niche as I grew up and my parents took these (sometimes rather immature and badly chosen) diversions from expectations seriously and supportively and positively, which helped me feel "seen" as an individual. But these ideas aren't a magic wand. Tbh I think it's better to have 4+kids or stick to 1 or 2. Three is often going to be problematic.

reesewithoutaspoon · 17/11/2023 02:32

I was a middle. Just try to avoid giving preferential treatment. My elder sibling was given responsibility because "shes the oldest" and my younger sibling got away with murder because "they're the baby". I often felt overlooked and as if I had no special place in the family.

saythatagaintome · 17/11/2023 02:40

Op, glad we finally found your post! Can you move it to aibu for traction?

my husband is the third child and has a middle brother who demanded the parents return him (DH) to the hospital…they never really got on, actually. Even in adulthood there’s been issues.
I’ve no advice but do feel for you all.

saythatagaintome · 17/11/2023 02:43

Don’t refer to any of them as big sibling, middle sibling , baby sibling. They are simply siblings. It puts a lot of pressure on each of them. That’s advice from a psychologist… passing it on.

saythatagaintome · 17/11/2023 02:46

YireosDodeAver · 17/11/2023 02:27

I'm a middle child but I don't think I can give much advice. It's not a nice place to be.

One thing I think mt parents did right was to send me and my younger sibling to a different school than our eldest sibling. Oldest siblings are often over-achievers who are a difficult act to follow. Being the 'oldest' in a school context really helped. But there wasn't much they could to mitigate at home. I carved out my own "I am different and not just the middle one of three" niche as I grew up and my parents took these (sometimes rather immature and badly chosen) diversions from expectations seriously and supportively and positively, which helped me feel "seen" as an individual. But these ideas aren't a magic wand. Tbh I think it's better to have 4+kids or stick to 1 or 2. Three is often going to be problematic.

This is really interesting. 2, 3+ or none. Makes sense to me given the issues you see with three

Original poster
Adviceforchange · 17/11/2023 06:10

Thank you for your replies.

It's really tough, I have felt very ill, the guilt is unbearable. I had never realised middle was such a bad position before.

I feel so guilty for having a third baby xx

OP posts:
newandconfused5 · 17/11/2023 06:27

Oh no! I really feel for you.

My thirds has just turned 14 months and my middle has her ups and downs...

What are the ages?

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time as a family

Alighttouchonthetiller · 17/11/2023 06:27

reesewithoutaspoon · 17/11/2023 02:32

I was a middle. Just try to avoid giving preferential treatment. My elder sibling was given responsibility because "shes the oldest" and my younger sibling got away with murder because "they're the baby". I often felt overlooked and as if I had no special place in the family.

This. I am in my late forties and still feel left out (although we are a family that get on well). It has always been clear to me that I am not as well-liked as my older and younger siblings. I blame it on being a middle child, but it might be that I'm just not as nice as the others are!

Bingobatman · 17/11/2023 06:29

Try to give up the guilt. There’s nothing you can do about it now anyhow unless you are planning an extra baby? And it’s better for them to be raised with a guilt-free mother.
If you’re doing what you can to avoid obvious prejudice then I’m sure you’ll be able to have a conversation with them about it when they’re older. And yes - of course there are sibling order issues. How about being the pfb with all of that pressure? There are advantages and disadvantages for all birth order positions. You can point these out to them when they get older. Meantime make sure you give them special hugs!

Outwiththenorm · 17/11/2023 06:35

It isn’t just middle children, Op. I have seen some kids struggle to get over being the baby and it take them years - but in one case she was the youngest of 3 to begin with and baby was the 4th. Or older siblings who struggle so much with a second baby. So well done with your oldest child!

Also, for what it’s worth all my best friends are middle children! I find them calm, confident people, not as intense as their siblings.

margotrose · 17/11/2023 06:37

The thing is, threads about avoiding "middle child problems" are naturally going to attract people who had problems, not those who just had a normal childhood as the middle sibling.

It's also worth pointing out that any number of siblings can have issues - DH is the youngest of five (by a long way) and that caused its own issues!

limefrog · 17/11/2023 06:37

OP, I'm a middle child too and I would say that at the end of the day, all children want love and affection from their parents and to feel special and 'seen'.

Think about the reasons why middle children often find things difficult, and try to address those. It's simply not true that all middle children have problems. I have no more or fewer issues than any of my siblings. Some people project their issues ('this is how I am because I'm a middle child') - when actually that's not always the case.

As long as you are making sure your middle child is made to feel special, unique and valued, they will be fine. Do you make time to spend with just them, one to one, going out for a special day or doing something they enjoy? Do they have a particular thing they are good at which you reinforce and praise them for? Middle children might need a bit more validation from their parents because they don't have a default 'special' position of being the oldest or youngest. But that doesn't mean they can't be absolutely fine!

limefrog · 17/11/2023 06:39

Also, if you have 4 children rather than 3, you simply have two middle children rather than one. I don't think it makes any difference because the issue is that the oldest and youngest have a special position.

BeethovenNinth · 17/11/2023 06:41

I am middle. Treat them the same. I will repeat it - treat your kids the same

even now, half a century on, I’m treated different and it so gets my goat!!!

to be fair, much depends on the individual needs of each child. Middle children often learn to put their heads down and get on with it as their needs aren’t met. This then self perpetuates as parents think “well they are ok” as problems arise.

so my advice would be somehow to ensure a little time is spent with middle child each day. That will be when they open up and talk. This will become more important as they grow up.

QOD · 17/11/2023 06:47

My oldest friend is a middle and it still affects her at 50 odd.
older and younger get on well and meet up and invite the parents along so she sees everyone else out to lunch and no one’s told her

im 1 of 2 and my sister gets jealous when I do stuff with my mum without her … so it’s not just middle kids, it’s good old sibling rivalry

Darhon · 17/11/2023 06:47

I’ve got 3 - they always had an ally (which was not the case in the war of attrition with my brother), and my middle one did sometimes feel in the middle but is the sibling who gets on best with the older and the younger one! Never dress any of them the same, respect their individual
selves and interests, if you can at all, separate bedrooms - we managed to put ours separately from the eldest turning 10. This all helps enormously.

YireosDodeAver · 17/11/2023 06:52

Adviceforchange · 17/11/2023 06:10

Thank you for your replies.

It's really tough, I have felt very ill, the guilt is unbearable. I had never realised middle was such a bad position before.

I feel so guilty for having a third baby xx

Guilt is unhelpful and possibly danaging to your youngest, who also needs to feel valued and loved. Never ever say outloud in the hearing of any of your children that you have any regrets about their existence.

Love isn't pie. An extra person in the family doesn't reduce the amount of love available. Love grows the more people there are to love. Making it clear to each individual member of the family that they are seen, appreciated and valued as an individual and deeply and sincerely loved is something you can do, and do well. Leave off thr guilt.

MerryMerryn · 17/11/2023 06:56

I have 3 (girl, boy, girl) - they are older teens / adults now and we have had no problems with our middle child at all! He has actually been the easiest of the 3!

The previous comment about different schools is interesting as mine went to different (single sex schools) and that has definitely worked well for them.

YireosDodeAver · 17/11/2023 07:00

@MerryMerryn I wonder if your middle one being "the only boy" helped psychologically as that gave him a special role rather than being a family structure of "Eldest responsible one" "youngest baby" and "middle"

Ascubudr · 17/11/2023 07:02

Alighttouchonthetiller · 17/11/2023 06:27

This. I am in my late forties and still feel left out (although we are a family that get on well). It has always been clear to me that I am not as well-liked as my older and younger siblings. I blame it on being a middle child, but it might be that I'm just not as nice as the others are!

Show quote history

My MIL is one of three, there is still very real resentment and jealousy even though all three siblings are in their 70's and their parents are as you would expect long dead.

My advice, don't buy the oldest and the youngest a house each, but not the middle child ( I am sure there is more to it, but that is how it is seen 40 years on).

CrapBucket · 17/11/2023 07:07

Fwiw I am a middle child and it hasn’t been at all negative, millions and millions of people are middle children and we aren’t all scarred and disadvantaged.

Of course I use it as something to moan about the same as my siblings moan about their birth order, all tongue in cheek, we all like to claim we are the best/ favourite etc.

Enjoy your three lovely children and try not to stress about something you can’t change.

Rocknrollstar · 17/11/2023 07:12

My DH and I are both the middle child in our families and also very different to our siblings. I think that was the first thing we bonded over. I never felt as if my father had favourites but my mother definitely did, and I was definitely third on her list. I would suggest trying to make some extra time for the middle one and always remember that they might need some extra attention.

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