How can I avoid middle child problems

[Adviceforchange]

Hi

I have 3 beautiful children. I am a SAHM and am lucky in that I can give each one lots of attention.

But even though I try really hard to give everyone attention and make sure I spend time Individually with all 3, my middle child is really struggling since my 3rd baby arrived in November. The guilt is eating me up. I feel beyond guilty and don't know what to do. I love them all equally and ensure that my partner carries baby etc when we are out so it's not always me with baby.

What can I do? I hate this and I desperately want each child to feel equally loved regardless of position in family.

Please does anyone have any positives of being the middle if three? I want to fix things now.

We were so close before baby 3 came along and its breaking my heart.

Thank you so much in advance xx

@Adviceforchange what are the ages and sexes of all 3 as that can also make a difference to the situation.

I have 3 and my middle often suffers too and I feel guilt but my third was very wanted so I wouldn't change it - I'd have had a smaller gap but unfortunately miscarriages and life meant a bigger gap.

Mine are boy 15, boy 12, girl 6.

The oldest is hard work as he has autism and adhd and therefore takes a lot of attention dealing with his various issues - he is very bright and at grammar school - middle child missed the pass mark by 2 marks which was gutting and a pain in the bum for me having all 3 at different schools but as a pp said upthread it actually probably helps my middle child at school as he can't be compared to his brother.

Middle child has always been my calm one, mature and sensible. He has lots of friends and is creative and caring. He also gets on better with the youngest.

Youngest is a typical youngest child and also in some ways like an only child as the older two do their own things with their friends a lot. She can be very demanding of my attention as can't seem to play by herself.

So yes it's a bit of a mad house and I do feel bad as the my middle is the least demanding so I often try to make time just us walking the dog or something so he can talk to me uninterrupted but it is hard.

Depending on your age gaps it may get easier as they get older...

Quick message from me, as it's time to get up.
I'm a middle child and I'm really surprised by all the negativity on this post.
I don't remember any particular issues as a middle child growing up. There are positives and negatives to any position.

My only advice (and this would apply to any number of children) is to make sure that your kids all know that they are loved, and never compare them to each other.

As an adult, I get on better with the others than they do with each other, and I have a good relationship with my parents.

Thank you so much for your replies.

I really do treat them all the same and I do love them all the same.

I just want to enjoy my family, but constantly feel like I need to be punished for "ruining" my middle child's existence as the littlest, some nights I can't sleep because of it.

I'm really hoping it all works out in the end x

Set the guilt aside there is very little you can do to mitigate the impact of being a middle child.

It isn't being a middle child per se that causes the issues.

As someone else said, it's the fact that everyone is excited when the eldest does something because they're the first to do it, the younger one is babied because they're the youngest and the middle child can be overlooked.

If you consciously make the effort to treat them fairly and equally (not necessarily the same) it's far less likely to he an issue.

One of my friends is a middle child and she is the most confident and successful of all three because her parents treated the children as individuals and played to each of their interests and strengths and her personality had a lot to play. And, yes, maybe birth order if her parents were determined for her to not be a 'middle child'.

There are supposed pros and cons to being the youngest, the oldest, an only child - any birth order... the only way to avoid any and all of it is not to have any children at all!

It's not something that is worth losing sleep due to extreme guilt over. None of them will benefit from that.

Good god. This all sounds very intense. I think you would have got more responses had you explained the age gaps and why you felt this was an issue. Children aren't just disadvantaged by being the middle child. I have 3 and my son was 4 when his little sister arrived. He wasn't jealous of her and I involved him in her care and he was the best helper. She's 2 now and he plays with her a lot. Dh and I carve out times to spend with each of the kids.

I am the middle daughter of three very close in age, and I wanted to reassure you it can have a positive outcome.

My parents were incredibly fair in how they treated all three of us, but it’s inevitable the middle will get a little less attention as they aren’t the baby and they haven’t had you solo as the eldest one did. As a small child the most obvious change was that I became independent slightly more quickly - even small tasks such as using the hair dryer or household chores. I observed the need to help my Mum and lighten the load in a way my sisters only understood much later. That might not sound ideal, but actually those skills served me pretty well in later life when I left for uni.

As a teen, I do remember craving more attention, particularly from Mum, especially as she and my sisters had an all encompassing shared hobby that I had chosen not to pursue. My parents did make a conscious effort to fill that gap, but the distance that remained meant I forged a resilience and independence that has made me successful in my career, finances and relationships. I am still very close to my family, have the benefit of two fantastic sisters, and always knew that I was loved by my parents. It hasn’t harmed our adult relationships or my overall happy memories of childhood.

While it wasn’t articulated when I was a child, I now know from conversations as an adult that middle child syndrome was something my Mum worried about. Having discussed it with her, my advice - gently - would be to stop agonising over this. The bigger deal you make it the more ‘permission’ you give your middle to fixate on their birth order. As much as possible (which may only be every few months - that’s ok) give yourself time 1-1 with each of your older children, to truly get to know them as individuals. Try not to mention birth order in daily life or create expectations based on being oldest or youngest etc. Your middle child will be absolutely fine and may even benefit from this long-term.

Have another. We did - avoiding middle child syndrome was one of the reasons why (DH is a middle as is my mother).

I'll tell you what pissed me off as a middle child. My older sister being treated differently because she was the oldest. My younger sister being treated the same as me, almost like we were twins and not 2 school years apart, so think pocket money, curfew, bed times. But then the baby getting away with murder, allowed to do things we elder two were never allowed to do, not being made to do things that we were forced to do like chores because she is the baby.

Also any reference I made to me ie I cannot believe I am going to be 30 would result in my Mum automatically saying OMG that means my baby will be 28. I lost it at that point and asked if I could ever just have it be about me and not my sister? I love my sister to bits but this sort of shit is what causes problems.

As long as you are trying for one to one time with each child and you know there can be issues you are already ahead.

I’ve heard my MIL say many times that her middle one (that I’m married to) is the easiest. He tells a different story…of being overlooked and left to himself precisely because he was easy and had no problems. He says he was ignored and no one would have ever noticed if he was having issues anyway.
Certainly as an adult he’s been offered no financial assistance because he earns better than his siblings, no childcare as we don’t need help, and on and on in various ways big and small. He’s always just left to sort his own problems out, whilst his older and younger siblings are helped whenever possible. It’s draining, and does affect how kids and myself view our in-laws.

OP my advice is that you need to treat all three absolutely fairly at every turn, make sure they all know that they are loved and wanted. Three is often a tricky number, but you are aware and can take steps to stop it being a problem.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your experiences.

I do always make sure I get quality time with them all. I do always treat them fairly.

It's so difficult as I love them all so much.

The age gaps are 2.5 years between 1 & 2 & 3 years between 2 & 3 xx

OP, many many people have three children. You should not be experiencing overwhelming thoughts of guilt which stop you sleeping at night or going about your day for months on end. How is your mental health generally? Is it possible that you might be experiencing postnatal depression?

Don't worry. This isn't 'middle child syndrome'. This is just a little one coming to terms with not being the centre of your universe, and it happens with all children. You are well aware that you don't want it to happen, but just providing your second child with a baby sibling isn't the problem.

Actual middle child syndrome is somewhat different, and I have seen it in action in DH's family. He's the middle of three. He wasn't the firstborn son and heir, neither was he the precious baby girl. He was just in the middle, and largely forgotten about and left to his own devices. When he was a baby, his big brother was a bolter and a real handful, so all the attention went on him. When he was a toddler, along came the adored baby of the family, who then got all the attention. During their schooldays, he wasn't quite as 'clever' as his big brother, so was forever compared negatively, and never felt he was good enough, or that he mattered. He never seemed to do anything right. The parents have both passed away now, but even when the siblings were in their 60's they were still treated that way. Everything the eldest did was marvellous, and youngest was the special one.

Strangely, lo and behold, his brother & wife also had the same configuration of dc (two boys then a girl), and their middle child is still treated in a similar way!

Don't go for another to "stop the issue" because I know a few 4dc families where #3 really struggles. The older two are older, responsible and #3 thinks they can never achieve their heights, and #4 is the baby which the older two dote on and gets away with everything.

I'm a middle child. Most of the time it didn't bother me much. Age ways almost exactly in the middle. I did find I tended to be lumped in with big sister as the "older ones" and "the baby" was so young they needed to have extra support, which was irritating.
eg. I remember when we got Trivial Pursuits for Christmas and #3 was asked questions ("no that's wrong, but I think that's too hard for you, let me look through and find an easier one and you can try again") or given hints until they got the answer right and I was expected to make do on one question, as per the rules. This made it a rather boring game as it could take 20 minutes for #3 to get one and then having got it right he'd get another go. When they eventually decided he wasn't being given another chance to finish his go he often had a strop, and got another chance...
This continued until #3 was far older than I was when we started playing. When I pointed this out I was told it was a game and I was being unsportsmanlike. I haven't played it since.

The things that used to really annoy me was with me and #1, my parents had a thing that if #1 had not got a big present (eg a watch) until a particular age, then I couldn't. So she got a watch at age 7, so I got a watch at age 7... and then it wasn't fair that #3 was the only one without one so they got it for their next birthday aged 4yo. I did try pointing out this was unfair and was told "but they really wanted one". Which as one of the reasons it had become a "big present" in my parents' eyes was because I'd begged and begged for one (and I'd never heard #3 ask at all) after #1 got one, seemed wrong.
The other thing was what I did, #3 had to do. I'm not sure why because me and #1 didn't do everything the same. This applies more to siblings rather than middle child though, But I felt that I couldn't be seen to excel at anything. If I was good, then it was expected that I was better than #3 so nothing should be said in case it put them off; if they were anything nearly as good it was commented on as amazing.

What I'd say is make sure that as much as you treat #1 as more responsible than #2, you should also treat #2 as that bit more responsible than #3.

Make sure they have different interests and hobbies. Not totally, it's fine to have some things the same, but ones where they can feel that it's their thing and they haven't either got #1 who has done it all (brilliantly) before so it's boring, or #3 who is snapping at their heels (because they're a genius).

Make sure #2 has time with you alone. It isn't always #1 & #2 or #2 & #3. Something my parents were good at. Tbf I was also quite good at creating those opportunities too.

The other one is hand-me-downs. Sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes they want them. We tended to have second-hand or homemade clothes anyway so it wasn't so much of an issue.
One of the issues I had as #2 was that I was small for my age and #1 and #3 were tall. So more than once I came home to find something that fitted me had been made over for #3 and I didn't fit (for some time) into the one #1 had grown out of.
Like a bike. Arriving home and finding my bike had had the saddle lowered and stabilizers put on when the next size bike, even at the lowest was way too big for me (and my bike could have gone up quite a bit) was a real slap in the face. Particularly when told that I was being mean because if they hadn't done that #3 wouldn't have had a bike. Had that a few times on different things.

I think with hand-me-downs it was worse because it was 2 girls then a boy. I felt I always had #1's things, and #1 and #3 always got new... at least new to them. From a parents' prospective, I can totally understand this. Financially it would have been silly to get me the same just for the sake of it, but it was something that upset me as a child.
It would have been nice if it could have at least been acknowledged. Perhaps "we'll get your bike a basket so some of it is new" type thing.

Otoh somethings that #1 and #3 got as birthday presents I just got handed, so I had that and a birthday present as well. So it isn't always a hardship!

I’ve heard my MIL say many times that her middle one (that I’m married to) is the easiest. He tells a different story…of being overlooked and left to himself precisely because he was easy and had no problems.
I'm in a similar position. I was and still am the best at compromise (personality rathe than learned), and that sort of thing, so it was always assumed I would back down. The other two would have thrown a strop if asked, whereas I often just said "no problem" for an easy life. Still happens today. 😂
It was acknowledged sometimes, but what I resented about that was it was always acknowledged in a "don't tell your siblings I've given you a mars bar for being kind" sort of way. I think normally I was so calm and accepting about it they didn't realise how much I minded. On the odd occasions I did say no, it was normally ignored too, probably on the basis that they knew I wouldn't strop as long or as loud.

But for all the things I've put, I don't think it was really that bad being the middle. I'm actually more independent than the other two, and I don't think that's a bad thing.
The fact you're aware that the middle child can have a rough deal, and so you'll look out for it, is a good thing. They may tell you when older it was terrible, but just as likely #1 will tell you how bad being the oldest (different set of issues) or #3 will complain about being "the baby" which is a whole new set of issues again.
Currently it's probably just "I'm not the baby" blues.

Yes, I really think it did help in our family. Our age gaps were also more than 3 years and there was no possibility that he would be following his older sister to the girl's school, so no pressure there either. He has his own talents too.

He is very very loved and definitely not ignored (as mentioned in another post) - I think he finds me a bit much at times tbh 🙈

The fact that you're conscious of it, and keen to avoid any issues, hopefully will minimise any issues, @Adviceforchange

Age and sex of the children must have some impact, but really, spending time with your children on their own and as a group is most important. I like the mention on the first page about avoiding labels of 'big, middle and little' sibling to avoid emphasis on ranking and therefore comparison.

I'm a middle, with an older sister and younger brother. It's complicated by my parents wanting two kids, one girl and one boy, so when I came along, they tried again and got the boy they wanted. They've always been quite vocal about that, which was a bit of a knife to the heart for me and even now, I struggle with knowing I'm not wanted. Plus my two siblings are so alike in looks, temperament and personality, so they are naturally best friends and spend a lot of time together.

I'm not sure how I feel about a different secondary school for your middle. I did have to prove myself to my teachers, as my sister was often in trouble at school and I was the biggest goody-two-shoes going, so some teachers took a few weeks to realise I wasn't going to tell them to fuck off or chuck a chair!

Thank you for all your replies. I don't think I'll have 4 though as that would cause other problems. Less attention etc xx

I'm a middle child. Don't feel guilty OP! I adore my little sister and we are best of friends.

But here is my advice - make special time for the middle child, to do things just with them and be absolutely scrupulously fair in your treatment.

Awwww that's lovely. Hopefully they can all grow up close and know how loved they are xx

I'm a middle child but I never had that middle-child feeling.

My mum fostered and focused on my siblings and I having a great relationship. She also never compared us to each other and always ensured we celebrated each others successes and encouraged us to go for things we were good at rather than forcing us to be good at our weaker areas, e.g my brother is really good at sports but weaker academically so she encouraged him to do focus on sports and supported him through his weaker subjects.

My mum was a middle, and said to me several times that if I ever have kids, not to have three. (I didn’t have any in the end). Things that really stick in my mind for her were, like a previous poster - hand-me downs. She was a war baby so money was very tight when she was growing up, but she never had new clothes, a new bike, or new wellies. The eldest (my aunt) got new, as did the youngest (my uncle) but my mum always had hand-me downs.
They also never kept anything she made - like when they made Christmas cakes at school. They kept my aunt’s as it was the prettiest, and my uncle’s as he was the youngest and he’d cry, so hers always went to her grannie’s. I remember her saying that they never ever kept hers.
She never had time alone with her mum and dad and said that even though she knew she was very loved and wanted, she ever felt special. Her grannie was a middle, and definitely spent time with her to make this so, as did her uncle and his wife who lived by the coast and used to take her to stay for a few days - but not the others.
So it’s not just about the parents, but about grandparents and aunties and uncles doing their turn too.

Thank you all :) x