Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Bullying - what (if anything) ends it in your experience?

68 replies

Cordycepscharlie · 22/03/2023 20:24

DS age 13 is being targeted at school by another boy in his year - the usual name calling & taunting escalating to a couple of physical assaults over the past week.

School is aware but pretty useless so far.

His cousin was also bullied a few years ago (another school) and it didn’t stop until he fought back and punched his bully. I’m wondering if that’s really the only effective way to end bullying?

Anyone want to share what worked for you / your DC? Any teachers out there who want to share their opinions on the best way to deal with this?

OP posts:

Thepossibility · 23/03/2023 01:11

Only fighting back. Bullies go for perceived soft targets to get their little power trip over someone.
My very nerdy younger sister couldn't fight at all and did a pathetic excuse of a slappy punch to her bully but it still put them off bullying her again.
Ignoring it or getting others involved fans the flames in my experience.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 23/03/2023 01:14

Fight back either with words of fists. Little fkers deserve it. I went to a playgroup with my DC today and one little toddler was absolutely horrible, made me think they are likely to grow up to be an equally horrible person

mackthepony · 23/03/2023 01:50

Yeah I was bullied

Ended up pasting the buly, she never even walked near me again

It's tough but true

Your poor ds

HereComesTornadoSeason · 23/03/2023 02:12

From the US so the names of some school officials are different from UK
When my daughter was 9 she had been subtly picked on by a kid who had a history of bullying and bad behavior.
One day he took it too far and almost kicked her in the temple of her head trying to take a ball from her.Soooo,I went straight to the principals office,(I knew my rights bc my father is an attorney)told her she was absolutely useless and to tell the superintendent of the entire school system I was heading to his office. Great man,listened,apologized for the behavior and inaction of the school staff.Then I went to the police station and filed a report, not to press charges,but it needed to be brought to the police's attention and on file.
Thankfully that kid was expelled so we had an excellent result.
Let me tell you, I really had to get out of my comfort zone to speak to these folks and with such confidence.But it paid off for my child.
Just an example of what we went through
Good luck to you!

Autienotnautie · 23/03/2023 02:38

I was bullied it didn't stop until I left school (I was too scared to hit back) I would keep an open conversation with your child and follow their lead. I'd definitely encourage them to hit back but don't make them feel bad if they can't. If it gets too bad and school are not resolving it I'd change school.

mathanxiety · 23/03/2023 02:46

A kick in the goodies usually bears fruit.

I would send word to the school administstrstors that if your child is assaulted in school again (and mention that you are aware of previous assaults by X, on A, B, C dates) you will not hesitate to go directly to the police.

junglemaze · 23/03/2023 03:05

Take it into your own hands. He is only 13. Let him see how you do it. Approach his parents. Approach the child in public place if the parents are no good, speak loudly to him to embarrass him. Let him know it ENDs now or you will go further to gaurds, politicians, papers, threaten him with the lot..Lose you mind, freak out( no one likes to deal with a psycho mother in their lives so make sure they know that's exactly what you are), threaten them with everything you got, go to the gaurds..do what you have to do, it's the only way, I couldn't care less if right or wrong..the right and wrong debate has long gone when this bully began to hurt your child. Stand up to them all.
If school havnt helped, you need to take it on yourself and don't stop to think is this right, just do it for your sons safety..Nobody would hold me back if they even contemplated hurting one of my children..I make sure they all know that my children have a psycho mother behind them all the way..it's enough to scare off the bully's

Avarua2 · 23/03/2023 03:23

Wow. Almost universal "fight back". Interesting. For boys I would agree, if they touch you, fight back.
Bullying by girls, I would suggest playing super cool. "Yeah whatever, Tina, I bet your step-dad is mean to you and that's why you take it out on others or some shit. Sorry you feel so saad".

snitzelvoncrumb · 23/03/2023 03:48

Definitely fight back. Another thing that works is getting an older child to have a quiet word in the bully’s ear. It doesn’t have to be a threat of violence, it could be letting them know their phone will be smashed if they go near your son or something like that. Trust me this works.

Kinsters · 23/03/2023 03:55

There was a guy at school who used to be a dick to me, it stopped when I was rude back to him. It wasn't even a very cutting remark!

Kinsters · 23/03/2023 03:58

Whoops posted too soon.

So, yes, I agree with everyone else. He needs to fight back. Unless the bully is a total psycho then once he realises your son isn't an easy target and he may end up embarrassed in the process of picking on him then he'll move on to someone else.

extremeprivacypreferred · 23/03/2023 05:19

Lose you mind, freak out( no one likes to deal with a psycho mother in their lives so make sure they know that's exactly what you are), threaten them with everything you got

Would a lot of bullies over about 9 not just laugh and snigger at this?

I'm not sure this would work tbh.

extremeprivacypreferred · 23/03/2023 05:23

Bullying by girls, I would suggest playing super cool. "Yeah whatever, Tina, I bet your step-dad is mean to you and that's why you take it out on others or some shit. Sorry you feel so saad".

Interesting.

I reckon in my all girls school, this would probably have resulted in somehow Tina becoming the wronged party and the rest of the class all siding with Tina, and shunning you as being a weirdo who goes beyond the pale.

Because somehow, whatever Tina does is going to be ok, but what you do is never going to be ok, according to group dynamics. On a kind of sliding scale depending on how popular Tina is and how outcast you are.

HelpMeGetThrough · 23/03/2023 05:30

I was bullied for about a term by one of the so called hard as nails kids in the 5th year. Year 11 I guess now.

It only stopped when I turned on him and hit back hard. After I hit him, I was waiting for a fist to come flying back, it didn't and it stopped. He never came near me, nor me him.

I dislike violence and would never start anything, but with bullies, it's often the only way of stopping them. If someone now decided to get physical, I'd do the same again.

Brokendaughter · 23/03/2023 05:33

Really hitting back, much bigger kids intervening or moving to a different area & new school are the only way it ever seems to end.

When my oldest son tried secondary school & was getting bullied in the first year, some sixth formers (children of friends at the time) stepped in stopped it.
Right up until they left, then it started up again.
At the point where he nearly died he went back to being EHE & never set foot inside a school again.

It always seems to be that the bully is one of those kids who the teachers make excuses for about their troubled home life or how the kid has problems while your kid waits for lunchtime to get kicked to shit again.

Complaining to the school generally does nothing of any benefit to your child & can even make it worse as they are seen as having told tales.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 23/03/2023 05:33

Most teachers probably won't reply because the best solution is actual or implied violence. My bully stopped when my brother held her against a wall by the throat. I hadn't told him about it, but he saw her push me into a puddle. He was 6'4" in Year 10, and built like a shed.

Almost all bullying occurs out of the view of teaching staff. It's very hard to stop something you can't see. If it were my child, in the absence of a massive big brother, I would tell the school I'm involving the police. That tends to frighten bullies too.

unkownone · 23/03/2023 05:37

We tried everything. Ignoring didn't help. I stepped in many times going to the school but nothing helped. Children bullying came from not nice families etc you need her to be resiliant. I drew the line when the teacher allowed discussions and even writting a report on how their lives would be better without my daughter in it. She had enough and moved schools. That was after we ended up with her self harming and an eating disorder from it.

Original poster

Cordycepscharlie · 23/03/2023 05:38

Avarua2 · 23/03/2023 03:23

Yep, seems like most people think fighting back is the way to go.

I agree TBH, I also had a couple of incidents of physical bullying at school which stopped when I punched my bully in the face, although I hoped maybe schools were better able to deal with this sort of behaviour now.

i know we all see the best in our DC, but DS is a really nice kid (much nicer than I was at his age) and would never start a fight or pick on someone for fun. I just hope he’s able to fight back if needed.

OP posts:

Serpentine1717 · 23/03/2023 05:42

Our experience was really good.

We informed the school and they called in the children involved and their parents. It stopped immediately.

AperolWhore · 23/03/2023 05:44

I was bullied horrifically for around 4 years in primary school by the same girl, nothing and I mean absolutely no intervention from school or parents helped, it actually made it worse. One day, I walked up to her and punched her straight in the face with all the strength my 6 year old self could muster up. She never bothered me again.

Original poster

Cordycepscharlie · 23/03/2023 05:46

Serpentine1717 · 23/03/2023 05:42

Our experience was really good.

We informed the school and they called in the children involved and their parents. It stopped immediately.

@Serpentine1717 That’s fantastic to hear, really pleased for your DC & of course the way it should be. I hope my DS school can do the same.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 23/03/2023 05:50

@Cordycepscharlie have you given your child permission to fight back. I suggest you do if you haven't.

Original poster

Cordycepscharlie · 23/03/2023 05:58

Wallywobbles · 23/03/2023 05:50

@Cordycepscharlie have you given your child permission to fight back. I suggest you do if you haven't.

@Wallywobbles Yes, I have told him that I willl support him 100% if he fights back & gets into trouble at school as a result.

He actually asked his teacher yesterday if he was allowed to defend himself if it happens again & she told him no. I explained she had to say that as she cannot condone violence at school, but that he might find he has no choice if this kid continues to hurt him.

He doesn’t have a big brother or older friend to stand up for him unfortunately.

OP posts:

Chias · 23/03/2023 06:43

From a teachers point of view, bullying is a lot more complicated than it would seem on Mumsnet. A lot of children who bully also get bullied which tends to muddy the waters a bit. If your DS does hit his bully, it may cause the bullies parents to come in and complain to the school. They will defend their son and 100% believe his side of the story. If your child starts the fight, even if there have been previous incidents, he is likely to get into a lot of trouble especially if he hurts the bully. There are also quite a lot of bored teenagers who love a bit of drama, so if your child gets a reputation for fighting back, he is likely to have others trying to provoke him into starting a fight.

If he has a history of getting picked then it is worth looking into why this might be. For example, I taught a child who was very unpopular with the others and the parents were extremely upset about this, but he was very mean to the rest of the class. He would laugh if they made a mistake and say things like ‘oh my god, I can’t believe you got that wrong. It was so easy!’, he always wanted to be friends with the charismatic mean boys because he wasn’t picking up the social cues that the others did and didn’t realise he should be wary of them. He would also join in with any nastiness that others started and therefore lost the support of the more sensitive nicer children. We offered social skills training and tried to support him but the parents just thought this was victim blaming and that the other children should punished.

daffodilandtulip · 23/03/2023 06:51

School 1: told me bullying didn't exist, moved schools

School 2: excellent home link teacher who went above and beyond

Flip

1 2 3