Have annoyed MIL

[Lking6795]

MIL and I have a bit of a strained relationship, apart from her son we don’t have anything in common. She was a sahm and I’m the main earner in our household too so it causes a bit of friction as we have done things quite differently.

Anyway DH didn’t get me a present for my birthday, I got a card DD and made with the childminder but I thought there was a present because DD age 4 told me she was planning one with him. Turns out it was a cake but they ‘never got round to it.’ We have another DC 4 months so I don’t get a lie in, I’m feeding.

I was quite upset as I’d made an effort recently for his.

His Mum text what did you get for your birthday, when I said nothing she said that I would have got something but she was too busy to drop in the week before. So she was going to get the present for me on his behalf?
I text back saying “I think people always doing things on his behalf hasn’t done him any favours tbh.”
I knew it was an emotional response and would annoy her but I was angry. I really felt like saying “how have you brought up a son with such bad manners.” But I didn’t.

As there was quite a bit argument he’s since made it up to me. But MiL is really upset with me now. She always said to me “think of me like your own mum” (mine is about but lives far away) but it’s never the same is it. I’m always on eggshells.

Hoping she gets over it but it’s still frustrating. I could apologise but should I, I honestly think her son should know better than to get me nothing for my birthday?

I do completely understand why you’re annoyed, but I think you’re misdirecting it.

You’re blaming the woman (MIL) for allowing your DH to be useless, when you should be solely blaming DH for being useless. He is after all an adult now.

Don’t know if your FIL is around but I suspect you wouldn’t hold him similarly accountable for DH’s behaviour… It’s always good to examine our unconscious bias.

It might be good to smooth things over with MIL. Say sorry for upsetting her, but also say that you don’t expect her to buy your birthday present on DH’s behalf and you’d prefer he did (or not) it himself.

Oh sod it, we're not robots, sometimes we say remarks that are a bit unfair.

Apologise for directing it at her and say that you don't need anything from her.

Then tell him to get you a proper present because you deserve one.

i take your point about misdirecting but unfortunately the context is she completely puts him on a pedestal. When it’s her birthday she just wants time with him (she’s around quite a lot). So he thinks his mere presence is enough for us all. She buys things on his behalf to her family for Christmas so he doesn’t look bad.

He talked about getting a new phone and she sent him a list of refurbished ones he could afford instead of leaving him to sort it… He needed a new computer so she set up a call with the IT person at her work to discuss what spec he needed.

I’m fed up with her running around after him so he never has any consequences because it makes things a lot harder when I try to get him to pick up some slack.

She’s over on Friday and even if I apologise I’m still angry that I’m terrified of saying “aren’t you even embarrassed for him?” I’m going to have to watch myself.
My family completely understood why I was hurt, his Mum just says “he’s so busy helping you with the baby.”
It’s his baby!!!

As you can tell I don’t think I’m quite over the whole upset and I don’t know what to do to let it go
🙈

@Lking6795

Let her be annoyed.

She was just as bad to make an excuse of being too busy to drop in and then saying shel sort out a grown man's gift for his wife ffs

I would have said exactly the same thing as you.

I hope he learns from it and don't sweat about her. And don't walk on egg shells.

He should be the one doing that.

Yeah, she sounds annoying facilitating the man baby she created.
However, you keep procreating with him knowing what he’s like.
Start holding him accountable yourself and pull him up on his behaviour when it impacts you but their relationship is what it is and it probably won’t change

That’s a good way of looking at it. I do have to pull him up on it - I’m not a sahm I’m not going to do everything for him like a maid - and he’s got a lot better but it’s hard when someone else comes along and chips away at your efforts. It’s like training a dog not to jump up then having a neighbour give them a treat every time they do 😂.
She was asking me if I knew what size iPhone he needed and I just said “he can tell you, I don’t know, he needs to look for one himself.” And she gets the hump. I know she’s trying to help and that’s her “love language” but she’s created a man baby! Lol.

Don't apologise op! She's infantised him and is expecting you to carry it on, she's done him no favours!

My MIL asked me if I was helping DH to monitor his breath flow with the device the GP gave him a few years ago. There was no reason whatsoever he needed my help with it. I said I wasn’t and she answered (not even joking here)
”You would do it if it were one of your cats”
I answered that indeed I would because unlike DH they didn’t have opposable thumbs so couldn’t grip the device.
She has given up on me now

‘Helping you with the baby’ - if you both work then caring for the baby should be 50/50. I would bet my last rolo that you are doing more, and so you’re actually helping him with his baby.

If she says to you "think of me like your own mother" then stand by that. You surely would say to your own mother (for example if it was your brother or sister treating their spouse like this) at the very least what you've said to her about her son?

When she comes to visit on Friday, I would try to be as polite as possible but I wouldn't necessarily bite my tongue if she starts a conversation. He's an adult after all. Perhaps she has missed this transition in his life and she still sees him as her little boy that needs to be mollycoddled?? He has to start standing on his own two feet, being able to be a parent (it's not looking after his child, it's actually called being the child's parent) amongst other life skills that he may or may not yet have.

Have a conversation about him and see if you can bring her on side and get her to start helping rather than hindering, maybe?

I think you did take it out on her when the whole point here is that he's responsible for his own actions (or lack thereof) but I totally why you're annoyed at her enabling him.

I would probably say sorry that you were short with her since as you all know DH is accountable for his own failings. That the idea your gift was left to MIL to arrange was even more frustrating to hear as there was no excuse for him letting you down.

I'd be tempted to point out there's no expectation your dad would be sorting birthday presents for your DH but suspect the point would be lost.

When she visits I hope you don't even flick the kettle on for her op. After all water boiled by her ds will be surely so much better? Be far too busy with your baby to pay her any attention op. Maybe dc will need a good nap in the pram pushed by you. Far too menial a task for her ds..

Tell her you don't want to be married to a man whose mum still does everythñg for him. If she loves her son that much she will want him to be happily married and needs to know that her treating him like a little boy who needs help puts you off him.

I would leave all hosting to him btw, and please make sure he's pulling his weight at home with the kids. Not "helping" but actual parenting.

Surely he should be embarrassed his mother still sees fit to baby him this way

I have to say he’s a great Dad and I don’t feel like I take on childcare it’s 50-50. I’m on maternity leave at the moment so with the baby in the day but he takes on our other DC and stuff.

I think I’m just scared because I’m still angry and BiL parents fell out with him. It caused massive upset for my sister and BiL and they really fell out over nothing. It’s been years and they haven’t even met one of their grandchildren. BiL is gutted about his Mum (I think his Dad is a bit emotionally abusive and coercive). I really don’t want to same to happen in our family but just get so frustrated with MiL that I’m worried it’ll kick off.

I’ll speak to dh about it, I’ve asked him before to “run interference” because of what she’s like (comments in the house, kids etc directed at me not both of us). I think he needs to step it up.
No doubt he’ll be a good mummy’s boy and run around after her so I don’t have to!

Okay, after reading the updates maybe don’t apologise! If she’s the kind of person that gets annoyed frequently then it’ll just feed into the cycle.

I think you’re on the right path with trying to get DH to step up. If he’s there when she makes comments then he needs to respond too, even if she’s directing them at you.

The only other thing I want to suggest is something I did with my own MIL a few years ago when she really got under my skin. I was spending a lot of time and mental energy silently fuming. But I decided to let it go… every time I started thinking about her I would say to myself “she’s irrelevant to me” and would deliberately think about something else. It really worked, and she doesn’t really annoy me any more. Her ridiculous behaviour is the same but I think of myself as more of an amused spectator than an annoyed participant.

Don't address it directly, that's seen as criticism and makes people defensive.

Educate her quietly.
Maybe a few comments in front of her about how attractive capable men are, how you'll bring your DC up to pull their weight, how luckily these days men know how to do these tasks, which is lucky as who'd want to breed with one who didn't.

Try being positive- how these days women work too hard to do house management as well, so it needs to be shared.

I really felt like saying “how have you brought up a son with such bad manners.”

One could counter with “why did you marry a man with such bad manners”.

😂

Genius!

Your point of view is bizarre. It’s like you think your husband isn’t a working adult who has an independent mind. It was your decision to marry a lazy sod who disrespects women, you choose to do that, you must have known what he was like. Now you’ve realised actually I can’t work him like a puppet you are turning on your mother in law saying it’s her fault. It’s your husband’s fault, no one else’s. Stop behaving like a drudge and stop blaming everyone else for an adult’s behaviour. He knows fine rightly what is expected of him, he just can’t be arsed. Unreal the amount of women queuing up here to blame a woman for the behaviour of an adult man.

What you said was honest and truthful op. Why would you ever apologise for that?

I think you’re as bad as her to be fair. Here you are blaming her. Upset with her.

it’s his fault. All day long. It’s not her fault. Honestly. Take it up with your husband about the present or any other shit you want him to do and stop trying to blame her. Whilst in there carrying and paying For him yourself

I can see why she’s pissed. The pot just called the kettle black.

I have to disagree that it isn’t partly how he was raised and it’s all on him. We are a product of our upbringing. If she’s always run round sorting out presents on his behalf etc of course the shit it going to hit the fan.

Also to those who say I should’ve known it before I married him… nope. We didn’t have kids, of course we’d be out and about for birthdays. When you become time poor you see where the weaknesses are… and possibly for the first time.

DH and I had a good chat this morning, I told him the idea of causing more upset was stressing me out especially seeing my BiL situation. So he’s going to take the lead with his Mum on Friday until this whole birthday thing blows over!

Lol! Oh I hope you come back in twenty years time OP when your angel children are pissing their partners off. Of course that would never happen… Don’t be so ridiculous, he is a married father. He is well out from under his mother’s influence. Was he just wandering the world bewildered until you came his way when he magically could put on an act of being a competent human being just to turn back in to a pumpkin when the wedding ring was slipped on to his finger?? I wish people would just be honest and say I was just happy to have a man so I accepted his short comings or I thought I could change him than perform these mental gymnastics. You were incredibly rude to your mother in law. You are a mother yourself. Try and show your children at least one of their parents is an emotionally mature adult and apologise to her and leave it at that. There’s no need for your husband to ‘manage’ anyone.

I can see why you said what you did and you are right. I don't think what you said to her was rude - it's accurate!
But the real problem here is that your lazy bastard husbands didn't bother to get you anything for your birthday and unloaded his responsibility onto his mum. That's what you need to deal with as a matter of urgency.

As an aside, if his mum said to treat her like your own mum, she can't moan if you then do!