Have annoyed MIL

[Lking6795]

MIL and I have a bit of a strained relationship, apart from her son we don’t have anything in common. She was a sahm and I’m the main earner in our household too so it causes a bit of friction as we have done things quite differently.

Anyway DH didn’t get me a present for my birthday, I got a card DD and made with the childminder but I thought there was a present because DD age 4 told me she was planning one with him. Turns out it was a cake but they ‘never got round to it.’ We have another DC 4 months so I don’t get a lie in, I’m feeding.

I was quite upset as I’d made an effort recently for his.

His Mum text what did you get for your birthday, when I said nothing she said that I would have got something but she was too busy to drop in the week before. So she was going to get the present for me on his behalf?
I text back saying “I think people always doing things on his behalf hasn’t done him any favours tbh.”
I knew it was an emotional response and would annoy her but I was angry. I really felt like saying “how have you brought up a son with such bad manners.” But I didn’t.

As there was quite a bit argument he’s since made it up to me. But MiL is really upset with me now. She always said to me “think of me like your own mum” (mine is about but lives far away) but it’s never the same is it. I’m always on eggshells.

Hoping she gets over it but it’s still frustrating. I could apologise but should I, I honestly think her son should know better than to get me nothing for my birthday?

My mil brought my DH up like this; she did actually realise this and the mistakes she was making either before we got together or around that time and has reflected on that and certainly sees he isn’t perfect . The part about for her birthday just his presence is enough stood out for me as that’s what they are like and in the early days there was a few times we argued about things like this where he didn’t make an effort and now and again I still have to pull him up on that he can’t just coast through thinking that everyone will just let him do what he wants.
My job brings in the same amount of money as DH but it’s often all about him and I’ve made a few spikey remarks that may not have been the right thing to do but it’s frustrating to act like I should do everything because I’m the woman.

Why did you choose to marry and and have kids with this little prince ?

Hahahaha love this 🤣

I wouldn't apologise to her. I don't think you have any need to apologise. He is a man baby and a huge part of that is her fault.

This happened nearly a year ago, I’m sure OP is over it now

I totally get how you feel and it's really disappointing but on the other hand sone people don't do gift giving. My kids talk about how we all have different 'love languages'.

I think MIL is not to blame here but MIL's are never perfect are they?

When I started seriously with my DH we put some non negotiables on the table, about kids and bottom lines. If your DH knows birthday gifts are hugely important than that needs to be made clear. Is he loving in other ways? Can you maybe also estimate his love on any other scale?

I do all the gifts for my in laws as my DH doesn't give a crap and I do. We play to our strengths.

I get that it hurts but he may be brilliant in other ways? I don't know but we all need to be able to talk about these things.

To me, expecting a gift is essentially problematic as they should be willingly given. Compelled gifts feel wrong somehow but I know I'm in the minority.

I always think if the bigger picture is good then we all should be allowed to fail.

I think Esther Perel is the best on understanding relationship dynamics.

Course his crap behaviour is her fault-she's a woman.