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Original poster

How can I stop us all bickering?

41 replies

Crushmonsters · 20/03/2023 22:28

We have one 12 yr old son. We are all bickering a lot - we just seem to push each others buttons. I know I’m feisty, so is my son, so we clash at time but my DH is also tricky. It feels like the dynamic has just hit a wall.

ugh. How do I reset? I feel like this dynamic/these patterns are hard to break and revive

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/03/2023 22:32

My first thought is why are you "feisty" with your child? Your son needs you to be the adult, in control of your responses and emotions. You need to find a way to rachet it down whilst dealing with your son. You teaching him self-control is one of the most important life skills he will ever learn.

Dacadactyl · 20/03/2023 22:34

What do you do as a family?

Board games, walks, swimming, bowling etc...stuff where you have to communicate. Try to incorporate stuff like that.

Soontobemumof2x · 20/03/2023 22:36

I will definitely echo with what the PP has said. I think it's easy to bite back when you're in an intense situation with someone and it results in bickering/arguing. But as the parent you need to find it within you to take a deep breath and remember you're the adult, they are the child and you arguing back will just add fuel to the fire.

Try breathing exercises and meditation. So many amazing videos on YouTube worth checking out!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
NoSquirrels · 20/03/2023 22:37

Any examples of typical flash points?

In general terms, you (the adult/s) need to apply a lot of good humour, turn a blind-eye to a lot of attitude and pick your battles wisely. In my opinion. Others will likely disagree.

Makingamess4212 · 20/03/2023 22:46

Is this normal for your family dynamic, or a new issue?
I agree with other comments, you need to try and "rise above" it, and teach your son how to manage his emotions, lead by example.
He is 12 yeah? Puberty will be ramping up and his hormones will be making this 10x worse. Not that puberty is an excuse, but it does offer an explanation. Maybe you and DH need to be a little more patient?

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:07

I know. I need to completely step back and not react. It’s not a new issue but it’s just intensified at the moment - not because DS is going through puberty (not close, I suspect a late developer like his dad) but because he is a big button pusher and very argumentative and good at it -
very sharp - exactly like I was as a kid. Obviously, he is the child, I know that and I know it’s totally my responsibility to get my tone and reaction right. And I don’t. So before everyone piles on, every day I feel like I fail as a parent. Every single day I try again and feel that I fall short.

so our dynamic is one that is very loving and open, but prone to bickering. But the family dynamic has become that way.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/03/2023 06:11

What do you bicker about? Give some examples of the average day, if you can.

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:16

homework (not wanting to do it), wanting to always eat a ton of sugar, our rules around gaming (gets a lot, always wants more). Not just going and doing something he’s asked to do - probably all very typical stuff but day in, day out is relentless. He always wants more and yet doesn’t want to do what is asked of him - or he wants to do it in exactly his way.

I suspect having an only child, who is also a fairly full on personality intensifies things

OP posts:
sorcerersapprentice · 21/03/2023 06:22

I think you're right that if he doesn't have a sibling to bicker with, he'll direct it at you. Don't get drawn into it.
Does he get a chance to go out with friends? That should help calm it down and maybe knock off a few of his rougher edges

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:25

But the family dynamic has become that way.

Be more honest about what YOU do to make it that way.

Once you do that, you'll be able to get helpful advice.

This hasn't happened to you, you are the creator of it.

AndEverWhoKnew · 21/03/2023 06:26

I know this will sound flippant but it isn't. You just need to decide to stop bickering with him. It's the only way to break it. I've been there.

Clear guidelines, outcomes, consequences. It might help to reinforce it, if you actually say 'I'm not going to bicker about this ...' then guidelines 'you need to do your homework' outcomes 'it needs to be finished in 20 mins' consequences 'or there's no gaming'. Then walk away. It won't change automatically because he's also in a pattern of bickering but you can break that dynamic by remaining calm, not arguing, walking away.

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:27

He does have friends and hobbies that take up his time; plus we have a good social life with other friends/families - it’s not just us all the time but weekday evenings it is, and it just descends into frustration

i feel like I’m such an awful mum. Honestly, a big part of me genuinely thinks I should move out

OP posts:
carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:27

He always wants more and yet doesn’t want to do what is asked of him - or he wants to do it in exactly his way. Yes, a normal 12yo child.

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:28

AndEverWhoKnew · 21/03/2023 06:26

I know this will sound flippant but it isn't. You just need to decide to stop bickering with him. It's the only way to break it. I've been there.

Clear guidelines, outcomes, consequences. It might help to reinforce it, if you actually say 'I'm not going to bicker about this ...' then guidelines 'you need to do your homework' outcomes 'it needs to be finished in 20 mins' consequences 'or there's no gaming'. Then walk away. It won't change automatically because he's also in a pattern of bickering but you can break that dynamic by remaining calm, not arguing, walking away.

It’s not flippant, it’s completely true. It just needs to stop

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:28

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:25

But the family dynamic has become that way.

Be more honest about what YOU do to make it that way.

Once you do that, you'll be able to get helpful advice.

This hasn't happened to you, you are the creator of it.

I am very aware of my huge role in the dynamic

OP posts:
carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:29

Honestly, a big part of me genuinely thinks I should move out This would be the coward's way out - rationally speaking it would be better to just stop bickering back than abandon your child!

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:31

Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:28

I am very aware of my huge role in the dynamic

Show quote history

Can you describe what you do? Then people will point out the places you can do it differently.

It is either possible for you to change, in which case do it. Or it is not - in which case I suggest counselling to explore why.

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:32

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:29

Honestly, a big part of me genuinely thinks I should move out This would be the coward's way out - rationally speaking it would be better to just stop bickering back than abandon your child!

I know, but I feel like I’ve tried to change before and it’s just not happened so I feel defeated, as if I’m wired wrong

OP posts:
GoodChat · 21/03/2023 06:33

Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:16

homework (not wanting to do it), wanting to always eat a ton of sugar, our rules around gaming (gets a lot, always wants more). Not just going and doing something he’s asked to do - probably all very typical stuff but day in, day out is relentless. He always wants more and yet doesn’t want to do what is asked of him - or he wants to do it in exactly his way.

I suspect having an only child, who is also a fairly full on personality intensifies things

You don't need to bicker about him with this stuff. You don't need to get into an argument. Just lay down the rules.

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:34

Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:32

I know, but I feel like I’ve tried to change before and it’s just not happened so I feel defeated, as if I’m wired wrong

Show quote history

Did your parents model bickering, did they refuse to back down?

Often humans create the old model, if it was a good model that's great, if not good then not great.

If you can't change easily, despite wanting to, I'd investigate why.

Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:35

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:31

Can you describe what you do? Then people will point out the places you can do it differently.

It is either possible for you to change, in which case do it. Or it is not - in which case I suggest counselling to explore why.

Show quote history

I just react too quickly. My voice grows
sharp, I am a direct talker so I’ll invariably say something honest - that probably sounds judgmental - and he will engage with it and there we go…

I have a shorter fuse than I should, I know I need more patience and I know I need to change how I deliver what I say

in those moments - Im not a monster (although I feel it) we do have lovely times and chats

OP posts:
Original poster
Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:38

My family argued. Very noisy loud rows. And then make up before sun down.

thats what I know - and I was unhappy in my family and used to try to fight my way out of it.

Ive had lots of therapy - really great psycho therapy - mostly around a ton of trauma over something - but not since parenting.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 21/03/2023 06:43

I know it's hard but can you practise relaxation techniques and try not to react up immediately when he says something. In other words think before you speak and as others said don't be drawn into arguments.

Explain the rules - ie homework first, gaming second. What are the repercussions by his teacher if homework not done? Sometimes you have to let them take the punishment so ie detention if he won't listen to you. Deduct pocket money, no screen time or whatever and stop buying stuff with sugar in. That probably hypes him up.

Try and change the dynamic whereby instead of being his sparring buddy you find things you both enjoy doing together. Maybe have a conversation with him to say you want to stop arguing all the time and can you both work to have a more peaceful life.

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:44

Crushmonsters · 21/03/2023 06:38

My family argued. Very noisy loud rows. And then make up before sun down.

thats what I know - and I was unhappy in my family and used to try to fight my way out of it.

Ive had lots of therapy - really great psycho therapy - mostly around a ton of trauma over something - but not since parenting.

Might be worth having a bit more help focused on this.

It can be tricky when your background was unhappy to know how to create the opposite - but it is definitely possible.

You have the power to make your son's memories better than your own.

You don't have to argue any more, you're out of that dynamic now.

carriedout · 21/03/2023 06:48

My voice grows sharp, I am a direct talker so I’ll invariably say something honest

Do you always need to be honest? I'm not always. I am when it matters but most of the time it does not.