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Original poster

Moving house with reluctant teens

45 replies

Walkingcoffee · 20/03/2023 19:44

We have come into some money and have decided to take a huge leap and move to our dream location and home that we have longed for for many years.
It is roughly 40 minutes from where we currently live. Almost 1.5 hr for my teens to continue at their current secondary school, which wouldn’t be feasible.
They have known for 2 years we would like to move to this particular town and that we would still return to our current town to see friends as often as we can.
It has been the plan to change their school for some time, with their agreement, but to another local one pending space for them (9 months on they still haven’t space elsewhere). Of course if we made this move it would have to be a school in the new town.
Teens are now understandably angry and upset about leaving their life and friends, and it has made me feel as if I am being very selfish to make this move to benefit all of us. The main reason we would like to move which they don’t know about, is that I’m suffering with severe mental Heath issues in my current home for various reasons. It would be greatly improved if I move away. With my husbands support he is keen on this move and assures me our teens will adapt.
Im expecting responses telling me I need to find somewhere closer or wait until my teens leave home, but the urgency is I have waited long enough and we won’t have this opportunity again with the ever growing price increases.
So for those who have been in this position, did your teen in fact adjust to the new home, town and school or do you regret the move? If there were issues can I ask how you handled them and made the transition easier? If you didn’t go ahead with the move for your teens sake, do you wish you had?

OP posts:
twinkletoesimnot · 20/03/2023 19:47

Not meaning to pry, but I don't understand how your mental health needs can be severe if your teens are unaware.
They probably know more than you think.
How will the move benefit them / your family?

twinkletoesimnot · 20/03/2023 19:48

And we were in the could have moved but didn't because of the children.
I do regret it, but it was the right decision for them.

Harping0n · 20/03/2023 19:51

How old are the teens is 16 and 18 I would wait a bit. If 13 and 15 I’m not so sure.
Teens are very involved in their lives and friendships. Parents are definitely lower in the pecking order. If they are reluctant to move then you may have problems.

Original poster
Walkingcoffee · 20/03/2023 19:55

They are 13 and 14. We have made promises to let them see friends at least two weekends a month, with the offer of friends coming to us too. I know there is also the chance they will settle and make new friends so naturally spend time with them more.
They are aware I don’t ‘feel myself’ but being self absorbed teens they don’t tend to take much notice or ask. I’m on every pill going to try and make it through each day. Of course I don’t want to upset them and rip them away from their lives, but after believing I would never escape this town I feel it would be foolish to give up the opportunity while I have it. If we could afford to stay local I would.

OP posts:
MrsMullerBecameABaby · 20/03/2023 19:58

Honestly my parents moved to an "idyllic" location where they bought their "forever" house when I was a pre teen and I never, ever felt at home. This was partly because they sent us to out of area schools (for well meaning reasons) and I was just too old to get to know local kids by "playing out". They tried sending me to guides, which was the only local activity for my age, but I was told that I was "stuck up" for the school I attended and didn't manage to really get to know anyone - they'd all known one another since the beginning of primary school.

We agreed not to move our children once at secondary unless it was a "keeping a roof over their heads" desperate situation for this reason.

My parents loved their new house but moved too late really to get the use out of the big house - my sibling and I were too old to play in the garden and didn't really feel it was home - we both moved out at 18.

I'm also curious about how the serious mental health problem which you've managed to hide from your teens will be cured by moving to a specific location (rather than say moving away from horrific neighbours but not leaving the secondary school catchment).

I'd wait until they finish school, it won't be many years if they're teens already.

usernother · 20/03/2023 20:03

I moved house to a different part of the Country in my teens. I was given no choice in the matter nor consulted. I made new friends very quickly at my new school. I don't think moving to somewhere 40 minutes away is unreasonable. Technology means your teens will have no trouble at all staying in touch with friends and they are near enough to get public transport to visit. Just do it. You will regret it if you don't.

LolaSmiles · 20/03/2023 20:11

Honestly my parents moved to an "idyllic" location where they bought their "forever" house when I was a pre teen and I never, ever felt at home.
I have a similar experience and I still don't get the feeling of going home when we visit their new location. The house has become home because it was where I lived with them, but I don't have much of an emotional attachment to the location and still feel like I lost some friendships as a result of the move, but didn't gain lasting new ones in the new location.

One thing I said to DH before we had children was that I was not prepared to uproot them to a new area unless it was triggered by something substantial (eg roof over head, major job change).

sunshineandshowers40 · 20/03/2023 20:17

Has the 14 year old chosen their GCSE options? I wouldn't move mine at that age but I can understand why you would.

What are the positives for the DC? Is it possible to move somewhere closer to where you are now?

Really hard decision especially if it has been in the pipeline for a while.

whiteroseredrose · 20/03/2023 20:21

If you can possibly wait, I would. Two sets of friends did this with teens, one because they wanted to and one because the DF lost his job and had to move.

In both cases the DC didn't settle. For the first family, two of the DSs went to Uni back here and have settled here. The second family's DD is looking for work here. Both said that the new towns were never home. The DW wants to come back too.

In both cases the DC went to school with established friendship groups and with parents who also grew up together. They just couldn't break through.

It would be about another 4 years to wait if you can.

CalistoNoSolo · 20/03/2023 20:27

My parents moved quite a lot when I was growing up and into my teens and it really fucked me (and my brother) up tbh. The constant having to make new friends and fit in was pretty hellish and I made a conscious decision that I would find a good secondary for my dd and stay in the same house/area until she goes to university.

If you are only moving because you want to, rather than have to, then I think you should stay put until your children finish secondary/sixth form. Their needs should come before yours at this stage.

OnaBegonia · 20/03/2023 20:28

but after believing I would never escape this town I feel it would be foolish to give up the opportunity while I have it. If we could afford to stay local I would.
Your posts are full of I, and contradictory, never escape/
would stay if I could.
If you can afford the 'dream' town I'm sure you can afford a better house where you are, it's not good ages to move them.

NotMeNoNo · 20/03/2023 20:32

Are your children neurodiverse, or do they have any struggles of their own? I would really caution about moving if they are happy and settled. We had to move house mid secondary school as one child was being severely bullied, but the younger one was undiagnosed autistic and never settled, he ended up refusing school. I'm sure your DC are lovely and I don't believe in regrets, but many teens are actually quite fragile and you only realise when they lose their support system.

Original poster
Walkingcoffee · 20/03/2023 20:42

As I already said we have planned to change their schools for some time, at their request initially and then due to ongoing issues we agreed, but unfortunately all of the other local schools are full. They will be leaving the school regardless of the living situation so this isn’t a factor in the move.
We can’t afford to buy in this area as it’s far too expensive, moving further out makes it financially doable with better opportunities. They have known for years so it isn’t a sudden decision we have surprised them with.
Thank you for the helpful responses and first hand experiences shared.

OP posts:
FannythePinkFlamingo · 20/03/2023 20:51

My parents moved to the other end of the country when I was 13 and DB was 10. I never settled into my new secondary school and was bullied for being the 'outsider' but DB fared better, moving up from primary with other children he knew. I hated my parents for moving and having no say in the decision at all. Can you wait until they have left school and move then?

AmandaHoldensLips · 20/03/2023 20:52

My parents did this while we were teens and it was devastating. That's why I decided not to move while kids were in secondary school as it's such a crucial time.

BramleyAppleHotCrossBun · 20/03/2023 20:55

My DM did this. Because it was ‘her’ dream.

My entire life was changed, for the worse, and never properly recovered.

Just wait a few years. It’s the most horrendous time for children to have their lives torn away from them. No amount of promises to visit friends will make it any easier in reality. Friends will move on.

Greenbather · 20/03/2023 20:59

Unfortunately you also quite likely to take personal problems with you, plus add more into the mix by having unhappy kids.

LolaSmiles · 20/03/2023 21:12

They have known for years so it isn’t a sudden decision we have surprised them with
It doesn't matter that you've been talking about it for years.
You're wanting to make a decision that moves them 40 minutes away from their current life and saying they can see their friends twice a month.
They're sharing how they feel about it, which is justifiably angry and upset. Their feelings aren't any less valid because you've been talking about it for years.

In my experience and experience of friends in similar situations, the promises parents make to teens to get them on board with a move quickly disappear once the move happens, especially when the move centres on what adults want rather than stability for the children.

WandaWonder · 20/03/2023 21:14

Why can't it wait till they have finished school?

WomanFromTheNorth · 20/03/2023 21:21

Dont take their happiness now for granted. If you have mental health problems now, how will moving help? You might still have those problems with the added problem of having unhappy children. I can't see how moving will help unless you have very toxic neighbours where you are now. I think you'd be mad to move now - and selfish- and your kids might always resent you for it.

parietal · 20/03/2023 21:22

either you move NOW so the teens have more time to settle in new schools. Or you wait 5 years. Nothing in between because in between will be even worse.

what are the options for school in the new location? is there a good supportive school where they will be able to fit in? does the school have a fair amount of kids joining / leaving or is this a village where everyone stays?

also, is the new house in the countryside? and if so, is there any public transport for the kids to move about independently and build their own lives? or will they be dependent on you for lifts?

tbh, if I was moving from country to town where the town was more dynamic with a strong flexible school where many kids come and go and the kids could have more independence, then I'd do it.

but if I was moving from town to country where kids will be isolated and will be the only people joining the community, I would not.

how do you know the move will help your mental health? what is wrong with your current location?

asplashofmilk · 20/03/2023 21:22

Leaving aside the teens. You're pinning a lot on this move sorting out your mental health. Please be aware, you take yourself with you wherever you go. It's unlikely to be riding off into the sunset as you seem to imagine.

And you risk alienating your children with it. They won't stay in touch with friends. I had the closest BFF at that age but I haven't seen her once since she moved an hour away when we were 14. Teens need their friends to be local, it's not like adult friendships where you pick up where you left off.

Thisgirlcan21 · 20/03/2023 21:25

I think it’s a tough one as it’s different for every child. If your children are sociable hopefully they will settle. 40 minutes isn’t that far for friendships. I am a student and plan to buy a house once qualified. Which probably means I will be in a similar dilemma to you. I have wondered whether to uproot sooner but it’s not always simple.

Shudacudawuda · 20/03/2023 21:28

Like some previous posters, my parents moved us a few times when I was growing up and the final move in particular, when I was 12, had a hugely negative impact on me.

I vowed I would never do it to my kids.

rookiemere · 20/03/2023 21:29

Walkingcoffee · 20/03/2023 20:42

As I already said we have planned to change their schools for some time, at their request initially and then due to ongoing issues we agreed, but unfortunately all of the other local schools are full. They will be leaving the school regardless of the living situation so this isn’t a factor in the move.
We can’t afford to buy in this area as it’s far too expensive, moving further out makes it financially doable with better opportunities. They have known for years so it isn’t a sudden decision we have surprised them with.
Thank you for the helpful responses and first hand experiences shared.

I don't really understand some of this.
Does this mean the teens wanted to move school themselves?
Why is it so impossible for you to stay in current location?

And most importantly why do you think that moving location is so certain to resolve your mental health issues?