Moving house with reluctant teens

[Walkingcoffee]

We have come into some money and have decided to take a huge leap and move to our dream location and home that we have longed for for many years.
It is roughly 40 minutes from where we currently live. Almost 1.5 hr for my teens to continue at their current secondary school, which wouldn’t be feasible.
They have known for 2 years we would like to move to this particular town and that we would still return to our current town to see friends as often as we can.
It has been the plan to change their school for some time, with their agreement, but to another local one pending space for them (9 months on they still haven’t space elsewhere). Of course if we made this move it would have to be a school in the new town.
Teens are now understandably angry and upset about leaving their life and friends, and it has made me feel as if I am being very selfish to make this move to benefit all of us. The main reason we would like to move which they don’t know about, is that I’m suffering with severe mental Heath issues in my current home for various reasons. It would be greatly improved if I move away. With my husbands support he is keen on this move and assures me our teens will adapt.
Im expecting responses telling me I need to find somewhere closer or wait until my teens leave home, but the urgency is I have waited long enough and we won’t have this opportunity again with the ever growing price increases.
So for those who have been in this position, did your teen in fact adjust to the new home, town and school or do you regret the move? If there were issues can I ask how you handled them and made the transition easier? If you didn’t go ahead with the move for your teens sake, do you wish you had?

Honestly I would wait until they've finished school if I were you . That's a major upheaval for them at this time

How exactly this move will help your current mental health issues? It is a bit unclear from your post so difficult to comment.

I also do not understand. I would not move teens though. Not further than walking distance from the old house anyway.

It is always tempting to think that moving away will solve problems but remember that saying: wherever you go, there you are. I think it's true - unless there really is a tangible problem with where you currently live?

So how will moving solve your mental health issues?
What if your issues continue?
How will that improve life for your teens?

Having seen the fall out of friends and family moving teens from their home town while in secondary school, I would never have done it to ds. The teen years are difficult enough without their world turning inside out unnecessarily.

If you do decide to go with it dont make hollow promises that are unlikely to happen and they know are bs, such as you can see your friends. Their friends will quickly move on at home and not be available for their occasional visits. Be honest with them.

My Dad moved the family about every 3 years which frankly was a pain growing up.
I was moved at 15 to a new school and was dreading it. However, it worked out really well, I made lifelong friends and had a good time.
Is it completely impossible for your kids to commute to their current school if you move?

Could you buy a new house now but rent it out for a few years?

The fact that you said you're expecting to get replies saying you need to wait indicates that you're a bit worried. I do understand that being in the wrong place can affect your mental health but I'm quite concerned that this reason seems to be mixed up with this having been your dream location for a long time.

I think your h is right that the teenagers will adapt after a fashion, but I don't think it's for their benefit or will do them any good. It might do quite a bit of harm.

Can you work on your health problems with a professional, or is that genuinely impossible where you currently are?

I’d hate for your kids to be on message boards in ten years’ time going, “mum did her best but she had mental health issues and put her needs first. I don’t see that much of my parents now”.

I know that by posting on here you’re obviously taking your children's needs into consideration and I’m not having a dig at you. But I’m thinking of THEIR perception, and how they will review matters as adults. Look at some of the responses you’ve had on here. Do you want your children to be reflecting on the events of 2023 in those terms?

How old are your DCs?
What do you mean by they'd be changing schools anyway even if you stayed put?
Are you sure that moving is going to have the positive impact you are hoping it will?

I think you're under estimating how disruptive it may be for them to move

If you really need to move for health reasons, maybe you have no choice. But probably better to explain to the DC. Even if they don't like the decision, they may tolerate it better if they understand the reason

Can you explain why it will be so much better for you? Can you get your kids to understand?

if not, I think it will be a tough task to get them on side.

4 years ago, I relocated my 12 year old son during Covid for personal reason and put him into an amazing independent school that he has loved. Every other weekend he travelled between Oxford and Leeds to maintain a relationship with his father that me and his father facilitated. I kept my house in the north and 2 years ago we had the opportunity to move back which I was desperate to do at the time but then I asked him what he wanted to do and he said he loved his friends and wanted to stay, I said yes and explained that he’d stay until at least GCSEs (he’s also an only child). Fast forward to today, and for various reasons I need to move back north to our old house and he has a place at York college, he was brilliant about it at first as it’ll mean he’s much closer to his dad. We’re also moving back to the house where we live for 8 years (from 4 to 12). He’s very popular and now the time has nearly come has said the he wants to stay in Oxford. However, I can’t afford to keep him in his current school and all admissions are closed for really good public sixth form colleges. I’m desperate to leave and move away from my horrible ex partner and the last 4 years have wrecked my mental health. I’ve just had to make it work for my son and recognising his needs but if I stay here where I have no friends and only work and have to drag my son up and down the motorway for another 2 years, it will break me and I don’t think that’s healthy for my son either as it’s only ever really been me and him. All my friends say he’ll have no problems making new friends and the college is great but all that I read about moving a 16 year old at this point ia tricky. If we don’t move he’ll be even more rooted and I would rather we’re closer as a family with his dad nearby. Thoughts?

Do you want to move to a coastal town OP? I also suffer with my mental health and crave to be nearer the coast as I always feel better there.
We planned to move to but it has never being the right time as DS was not on board and Mum in a care home close to me . Now DS is finishing Uni and wants to come back and live with us for at least 2 years. I would feel better about a move if my children were happy and settled in their own lives.

@M3dical999 I think you need to start a new thread.

For what it's worth, on the surface no I would try not to move him at that age, especially as an only child. At that age he could take the train or coach to see his dad. Butbif you cant afford the school theres going yo be a lot of change anyway. Which school would he end up at in Oxford do you think?

@M3dical999 You've posted on an old thread, you need to start your own thread because most people will not see your post and not check the dates and will be replying to the OP.

I’ve no idea on school, he wants to now try Cherwell school but half of his friends are staying on where he is at the minute, others are going off to new schools

And admissions for schools / sixth forms are closed, adding to the pressure 😩

Happy to comment further but please do start your own thread.

I wonder how it worked out for the original OP