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Original poster

Contact with a non related child

38 replies

Justforthisoneplease · 20/03/2023 18:33

Hello , please be kind I’m devastated.

so recently I have had a falling out with the parent of a child I’m very close to - but not related too

the child I pretty much treat as my own , see him daily , provide a massive amount of childcare , have been part of his life since he was four days old. He comes on holidays with us , day trips , I have set him up a bank account and evey birthday and Christmas I add to it . I read with him , practice his phonics . When he was a baby I took him to baby sign every Saturday morning . Bought his first school shoes and bike . Walks and picnics to the park He’s part of my family . I’m only giving this information so that you can see we have been so close for seven years and we love each other dearly .

his mum has decided I’m not to see him any more . ( completely unrelated to the child , as adults we are incompatible)

im devastated, and I’m sure he will be too , wondering where his aunty is gone .

I have had a little look on line , and it seems to say if you can prove that there is a strong relationship, for the good of a child , that you could apply for some sort of access through mediation

half of me is wondering if I should just leave it for a bit , she’s only doing it to hurt me (well it’s worked )

keep putting his pennies in the bank and hope he rembers his auntie Loved him

I don’t want to cause any upset to him, that’s bigger then my want to see him .

im very upset and angry and I just want to be told I’m not a horrible person I think

im not related and I shouldn’t have got this close probably.

OP posts:

Lemonandorange · 20/03/2023 18:43

Walk away. You are nothing to that child except a memory which will likely eventually be forgotten, the child's parent has asked you to stay away, respect that.

cpphelp · 20/03/2023 18:47

As harsh as the above post is, I do agree. I'm sorry.
Unless the parents are horrendously unable to loom after their own child without you, I would imagine the child won't be interested in you.

Give it a couple of years, but back off. Mum might come running back to the friendship

Original poster

Justforthisoneplease · 20/03/2023 18:51

Thank you.

I probably need to hear it .

sometimes an objective opinion is the best . It’s why I asked on here

no they can look after him fine as parents

thankyou for taking the time to reply

OP posts:

HermioneWeasley · 20/03/2023 18:53

Were you in a relationship with the mother? Did you choose to start a family together?

BuffaloCauliflower · 20/03/2023 18:55

This seems an unusually close relationship with a child you’re not related to. I’d assume you were in a relationship with mum but you say he called you auntie?

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/03/2023 18:57

To be honest the level of input you have had does sound intense considering you’re not family, in fact I would think the relationship you have with the child intense even for a relative. Are you sure you haven’t been overstepping boundaries? Aspects of the relationship sound more parent-child than that of a non-relative and it’s strange if you and the child’s parents aren’t actually friends and don’t get on. If I was the parent and an adult I didn’t even like much was trying to forge such an intense relationship with my child I would probably be cautious and questioning your intentions and be wanting to pull away from it too.

anythinginapinch · 20/03/2023 18:58

Good that's so bloody sad to read. I can just imagine how broken you must feel now. How cruel -to the child and to you. He's 7 - he will remember you. The love and time you gave him was felt by him, and your being in his life will have had a big positive impact on him. I wonder how the parents are framing their closing you out, to him. Poor boy he'll be confused.

But I think any chance of rapprochement is only possible if you show the parents that you accept their rights as his parents, that you won't make their or his life hard by putting them in a position to reinforce whatever it is that has prompted this decision of theirs. I'd write him a letter, focusing on your memories of him, and that when he's an adult you'll always welcome him in your life. And I'd send that to his parents, letting them read it, and they can decide if and when they let him have it.
Then grieve. Let yourself be sad. Your loss is real.

bumblebeees · 20/03/2023 19:03

AffIt · 20/03/2023 19:07

Reading it completely objectively, it sounds a lot.

What is the nature of your relationship with the parent/s?

As far as I can see, there are two possible outcomes - one is that the parent/s is/are CF/s who have basically sponged off you for most of this kid's formative years. Cutting you off is both horribly unfair and downright cruel, but at the same time, you've dodged a bullet.

The second is that you may have overstepped multiple boundaries and the parent/s is / are no longer comfortable with having you around.

Only you know the truth, OP.

MintJulia · 20/03/2023 19:11

In the end OP you are not a parent or a relative, so trying to intervene against the parent's wishes is not going to end well.

It's not an easy situation, but you need to retreat to a distance and see if she changes her mind with the passage of time.

Original poster

Justforthisoneplease · 20/03/2023 19:14

Thank you everyone.

yes it’s sad

yes it’s probably been a of a situation where I have been used for childcare.

I got along with both parents fantastically until recently - we often went on holiday together.

I will try and treasure the memories with my little mate .

OP posts:

Inject · 20/03/2023 19:54

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/03/2023 18:57

OP sounds strange. Good thing the parent has stopped contact. Who gets this worked up about someone else's kid?!

Leeds2 · 20/03/2023 20:09

If, as you say, you may have been used for childcare, is there any possibility the parents will come back to you when you are no longer looking after their child for them, no matter how long or short a time you looked after them for?

FlippingMarvelous · 20/03/2023 20:30

It sounds a lot more than them just taking advantage of you for childcare.
I think you have over-involved yourself in this child’s life. I would find it over-stepping even if a relative did all of the things you said you did. You said they are fine parents to take care of him, so if that’s the case, they shouldn’t have needed you to do so much, and maybe didn’t want it.
Do you have children of your own? I’m asking because I wonder if you didn’t realise you were over-stepping. Or is their child filling a gap for you?
Its sad, but you need to accept the child’s parents decision. I think you should leave them alone and see if they naturally decide to rekindle the friendship with you.

steppemum · 20/03/2023 22:42

I think that you are having a hard time OP.
Close friends do sometimes have that close a relationship with their friend's child. As long as all were fine with it, it is like an adopted auntie.

Very sad for you both for it to stop. Good extra adults are a positive thing in children's lives.

But unfortunately this was always dependant on the relationship with parents continuing, and it has now stopped. You are going to have to accept that it is over.
I wouldn't try to contact the boy either, as the parents will definitely take that the wrong way.

DesertPenguin · 21/03/2023 00:57

This is so sad, OP. He will be very confused: I don't think it's fair on him for the parents to have encouraged such a close relationship with you then suddenly stop it. And so unkind to you, too. I don't think there is anything that you can do though. What an awful situation.

Sugarfree23 · 21/03/2023 01:08

Op it's very sad and I'm sorry your friend has hurt you in this way.

I think it's walk away and hold you head high. I wouldn't attempt any sort of court battle, that just seems like an expensive waste of time and money

I'd empty the bank account you have for this child.

Op I'm not sure your circumstances but it sounds like you have a heck of a lot of love and time to give to a child or children.
Things I'd consider fostering or befriending or if you don't want such an intense relationship then supporting a Scout or Guides group might be an idea.

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 21/03/2023 01:27

Do the parents have access to the bank account that you have been putting money into?

If they don't ATM I wouldn't give them access to it - if he comes to find you as an adult then you can give it over to him

If not, donate it to a favourite charity of yours

I have a horrible feeling they have been using you for childminding and money purposes but hope that isn't true

Who paid for the holidays and days out etc?

DesertPenguin · 21/03/2023 01:34

To me it sounds like you've been extremely kind. It's really good for children to have relationships like this with trusted adults outside their families and you have done so much for him. You sound like a lovely person and I am really sorry this has happened to you. I am sure that he will remember you and be very sad about it, too. Very upsetting for a child to have contact with someone they consider family and see so regularly cut off suddenly like this. The parents are clearly not thinking about the impact of this on him.

NBLarsen · 21/03/2023 01:52

If you've had such an incredibly close relationship then the child will be missing you too. Is the falling out really so final? No way to repair the relationship?

It seems odd to have such close involvement with a child that you are not related to though. Buying his first shoes and bike, surely these are things that parents want to do, or otherwise grandparents/aunts/uncles. You say you pretty much treat him as your own and I wonder if this has built up over time and caused upset with the parents, hence them suddenly cutting you off. Only you know the reason for the falling out.

If the parents aren't willing for you to see the child then I don't think there's anything you can do. It wouldn't be constructive to pursue contact with a non-relative against the parent's wishes.

Sleepless1096 · 21/03/2023 02:43

The cynic in me says they're come running back when they need more free childcare.

SonicStars · 21/03/2023 03:00

Sounds rough. I had close relationships with my mum's close friends growing up. Luckily they never fell out - I think I would have found that strange, but more likely I would have just shrugged and moved on with my "me" centred life (especially if it had happened when I was a teenager).

There's a boy my child's age whose "auntie" (mums best friend) is super close to him. She picks him up from school so often I think most teachers assume she's mum. Now he would be devastated if mum kicked her out of his life - she is a bit of stability and it would really shake his confidence in the security of his place within his family. Sounds like it's not the case with you though if both parents are present and capable.

Sadly you do have to recognise that the relationship was through the parents and cannot exist independently. You and him will always have the memories.

Sugarfree23 · 21/03/2023 07:43

Op I definitely would not be continuing to put money in a bank account for this child. If you are the holder of the account I'd empty it.

These parents have used you when it suited them. And I'd be very wary if they came crawling back because they are likely to walk away again.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/03/2023 07:49

YOu are in the same position as a nanny leaving a long term family position, it hurts, but a clean break is best for the child.

Leave it for now and wait and see if there is contact later

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/03/2023 07:53

That's an awful lot for you to do for a child. Will you and the other friends before the baby was born?

Is the savings in the child's name?

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