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Original poster

Contact with a non related child

38 replies

Justforthisoneplease · 20/03/2023 18:33

Hello , please be kind I’m devastated.

so recently I have had a falling out with the parent of a child I’m very close to - but not related too

the child I pretty much treat as my own , see him daily , provide a massive amount of childcare , have been part of his life since he was four days old. He comes on holidays with us , day trips , I have set him up a bank account and evey birthday and Christmas I add to it . I read with him , practice his phonics . When he was a baby I took him to baby sign every Saturday morning . Bought his first school shoes and bike . Walks and picnics to the park He’s part of my family . I’m only giving this information so that you can see we have been so close for seven years and we love each other dearly .

his mum has decided I’m not to see him any more . ( completely unrelated to the child , as adults we are incompatible)

im devastated, and I’m sure he will be too , wondering where his aunty is gone .

I have had a little look on line , and it seems to say if you can prove that there is a strong relationship, for the good of a child , that you could apply for some sort of access through mediation

half of me is wondering if I should just leave it for a bit , she’s only doing it to hurt me (well it’s worked )

keep putting his pennies in the bank and hope he rembers his auntie Loved him

I don’t want to cause any upset to him, that’s bigger then my want to see him .

im very upset and angry and I just want to be told I’m not a horrible person I think

im not related and I shouldn’t have got this close probably.

OP posts:

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 21/03/2023 07:59

It all sounds very intense. Why did you set up a bank account for a friends' child like that?

PinkButtercups · 21/03/2023 08:03

You will get no access so don't try and go any further with that. Legally you have no right.

It's crap but you have to respect her wishes.

steppemum · 21/03/2023 10:34

Nimbostratus100 · 21/03/2023 07:49

YOu are in the same position as a nanny leaving a long term family position, it hurts, but a clean break is best for the child.

Leave it for now and wait and see if there is contact later

This is actually a very good way to think of it.

Love and positive input is never wasted. It teaches children about love, kindness, empathy etc. All you have given him has had an input into who he is.

Reflect on that, and let him go.
x

mindutopia · 21/03/2023 10:55

This sounds incredibly intense and as much as the initial break will be difficult, I would think it's probably in the child's best interests that you take a step back. I personally cannot imagine a situation where I had another adult who wasn't a parent or family member involved in my child's life to this degree. It sounds, the way you've written it, to be quite overbearing and enmeshed, and potentially quite confusing for the child.

I would keep the door open to have a more casual, not so intense relationship in the future, but not one to the extent you have described.

steppemum · 21/03/2023 11:00

I just want to comment on a recurrent theme on this thread.

I can't imagine anyone who is not a family member doing this

It has been said by so many.

But for some of us, we have friends who are closer than family. People we trust with our lives and those of our children. I have 2 such friends. I am not as involved in their kids as OP because we didn't live close when kids were growing up, but emotionally they are closer than my kids aunties and uncles.
One of them stayed in our house last winter for a week, when both dh and I had work trips on the same week. My kids (all teens now) treat her like a second mum. She lives round the corner and is probably the adult they know and trust most after me and dh.
And they are very close to their grandparents who don't live far away.

Being that close to someone who isn't family is not that weird, just a differnet dynamic to yours.

Original poster

Justforthisoneplease · 21/03/2023 18:50

Thank you so much for all your words , you have really helped me see perspective.

I personally love the point about seeing myself as a nanny - no love has been wasted , and it’s sad to move on , but he will be fine as well, especially with a clean ish break.

a few people have asked about his bank account, it was purely for Christmas and birthdays. He gets so much plastic tat (as do most kids !) that I suggested to mum years ago that I got him premium bonds instead for gifts - it was a waste to get more plastic rubbish that just ended up broken.

it might all die down , but I will be massively weary in future, it’s cruel to me and him.

I don’t really want to start slagging mum off on here , but the parents have split up, she’s moved away , and I’m being used as a bit of a pawn ? In their falling outs .

Still friendly with dad ( he’s friends with my husband) but mum is threatening to be difficult with his contact if my nephew sees me .

its very sad but I do see that a nice clean break is best for everyone at the moment.

I hope everything settles down for them

OP posts:

Sugarfree23 · 21/03/2023 19:18

It almost sounds like mum is jealous in some way of you.

Give time for things to settle, no reason for Dad to stop you seeing LO during his time.

NBLarsen · 21/03/2023 19:41

So the child is your nephew, not a child you are not related to? That would make more sense.

Robin233 · 21/03/2023 19:47

I think op is a special aunty - not related
My sons childminder was like this.
At 27 he's still in contact.
Hold fast op, things may blow over.

garlictwist · 21/03/2023 20:04

Lemonandorange · 20/03/2023 18:43

Walk away. You are nothing to that child except a memory which will likely eventually be forgotten, the child's parent has asked you to stay away, respect that.

Bloody hell. Kick her whilst she's down. You could have phrased that far more thoughtfully.

Kanaloa · 21/03/2023 20:09

Maybe it could be taken as a lesson in setting boundaries for yourself? It seems like you’ve developed quite an intense and not necessarily boundary-appropriate relationship with someone else’s child. Normally people don’t set up savings accounts and buy milestone items for a friend’s child. And I’ve certainly never heard of anyone trying to go to court to get contact with a friend’s child.

mindutopia · 21/03/2023 20:36

steppemum · 21/03/2023 11:00

I just want to comment on a recurrent theme on this thread.

I can't imagine anyone who is not a family member doing this

It has been said by so many.

Being that close to someone who isn't family is not that weird, just a differnet dynamic to yours.

We have loads of close friends and they often come to stay with us and they’ve looked after our dc and come to their birthday parties and send Christmas presents and we’d absolutely trust them with our dc of anything happened to us.

But that is not the relationship the OP has described. As a parent, I’d be pretty freaked out if a friend of mine insisted on seeing my child every day, buying them their first school shoes and first bike, and was considering legal action for access if I ended our friendship. That’s very intense and I think probably crosses boundaries of a healthy adult-child relationship. Everyone needs ‘aunties’. I had several growing up who I’m still close to. But they came to my birthday parties and we saw them a couple times a month when we popped over for a cuppa. None of them would have considered taking my mum to court for contact.

Alcyone · 21/03/2023 21:18

a clean break is best for the child

I totally agree with this.

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