Kids different genders sharing room or not?

[Bronzeisthecolour]

Moving house. 2 dc aged 9 & 7. Eldest is a girl youngest is boy. Dh works from home ft.

New house has 2 rooms downstairs and 3 upstairs- 1 box room. Trying to sort rooms.

1. 3 bedrooms used as separate bedrooms Dh uses 1 downstairs room as office and other is living room but then no table.
2. dc share biggest bedroom- high-rise beds etc. Small box room is office. 2 rooms downstairs 1 living room & 1dining room.

Kids want to share but I'm wondering if this is best long term. I wouldn't even think about it if both same gender.

Any advice?

Are you sure you couldn’t fit office in your bedroom if you took the biggest room? Perhaps putting some of the storage downstairs/on a landing or similar?

We have a three bed semi, and I've put a small dining table in the living room front window space, with the sofa with its back towards the table there's just enough room left for a cosy living space. This has freed up the dining room for us to use as an extra bedroom, as the box room was just too small for our adult DD now. DH has the box room as an office.

@NameChangeSadness Yes. When I first told my mother, she didn't believe me. Kept asking me if I was sure. As if I'd imagine being sexually molested multiple times. She asked me to describe in minute detail exactly what happened. Where did he position himself to do what he did? Where did he touch me? Under clothes or over clothes? What did I do when I woke up? What did he do when I woke up? And so on. My family is completely normal. Very close knit. Parents very happy together (still together). Both my brother and I did very well at school, top of our respective classes, well adjusted, no particular problems. Yes, we are full siblings. People assume these things happen because there is something wrong within the family. The perpetrating child is disturbed or has mental/behavioural issues, hypersexual, been molested themselves, whatever. This isn't necessarily or even often the case. Children (usually boys) do this because their sexual urges or curiosity get the better of them. Children are not good at controlling impulses. I was traumatised for many years after what I went through. Found it hard to fall asleep due to fear in case he somehow managed to break in. It also made me ashamed of my body. Please do not put your daughter in this position.

They should have separate bedrooms - no discussion. They might think it's fun now, but in a couple of years they will want their own privacy, so better to set it up with separate rooms rather than having to have a big upheaval in a couple of years.
You should look into ways of making an office space in the dining room which can be folded away, or enclosed in a cupboard or something so that the room can also be used for other purposes. A lot of videos about tiny houses have ideas for things like that.
Or is there anyway of building a fancy shed which could become an office.

buy/rent a different house
it doesnt meet your needs

I'm so sorry you went through it too.

It's so hard, they love each other and they get along but sometimes it seems like she hates him. But he was only 10 himself, it's a really fucked up situation and not black and white at all. I have nightmares constantly, I have panic attacks at night. It haunts me.

What are your finances? Do you have any budget for a loft extension or proper garden office? Could you do hyprid for 1/2 year or so while you build something? We did this when DH moved to permanent WFH 12 years agol

I only have a laptop and a second large monitor and after 2 months of setting it up and taking it down each day we re-arranged a room so I can have it set up permanent. I also wouldn't want my workstation in my bedroom, at least not on full display, just a desk where the laptop is hiding yes, but not all the stuff I have to use all the time.

If the downstairs rooms are big enough, you could sacrifice the living room with his set-up and have the TV and small sofa also in the dining room? That's what friends did before they did a loft conversion. Their living room still had a sofa and TV but it was only for use in the evenings and weekends.

When I work from home I just put my laptop on a stand on the dining table and connect my mouse and keyboard. When I've finished I put them away.

Is there any reason why your husband needs a whole room as his private office? It doesn't sound like you have the space for that.

Definitely separate bedrooms. I think it’s really important as they get older that they have a private space.

Dh works in IT & has at least 3 screens and pcs and equipment so he couldn't fit into out bedroom.

Your DH as the adult needs to compromise unless you can afford to buy/rent a house where he has his own study and your children have their own separate rooms.

Lots of us work in IT with screens and multiple PCs/laptops.

Ask your DH how your children can each have their own rooms and you can have the dining room table free at X time every evening. Make it his problem to solve not just yours.

Thanks to the pandemic lots of us with excess/old equipment realised we had to get rid of some of it and work out suitable storage for the rest between working days as we live with other people who have a need for space as well.

Oh and even if you have a separate study, like some of my siblings do and friends, you will end up sharing use of it with your kids as they get older. Or it can end up as the last guest space.

If the downstairs rooms are big enough, you could sacrifice the living room with his set-up and have the TV and small sofa also in the dining room? That's what friends did before they did a loft conversion. Their living room still had a sofa and TV but it was only for use in the evenings and weekends.

Surely it's less of an upheaval to sacrifice your dining room than your living room? The living room gets used all the time, the dining room wouldn't even be an issue for me besides the evening meal, the things we eat earlier in the day aren't even that messy.

@RosaBonheur because he is a man with an important job.

Other people I'm related to, friends with and worked/work with think their children's welfare is more important. (Or even their wife's job is more important. )

Share for now if they want to
Is the room in the kitchen for a dining table - if so do you need a second room? If not you could make that into a third bedroom and have box room as office.
Or second room can be half diner half office?
How big is the garden, would you be in a position to put one of those small home office insulated shed things at some point?

3 bedrooms then hybrid dining room/office - maybe a room divider if space? Or could your DH rent a space at a workspace near where you live? Or garden office?

Seeing as how girls are now hitting puberty at 9 years it won't be long before she starts her periods. Dont put them both in the same room, its not fair on your daughter.

Either look for a different house., or build an office in the garden, or DH does an office share with others. Or you and DH sleep on a pullout sofa.

I am very pro DC sharing ; I think it can strengthen filial bonds and teach cooperation as well as supporting the obvious human instinct for wanting company . Your DC are, however close to the age when it won't work. Puberty and senior school will mean that your DD will have a lot less in common with her brother .The age gap will seem a lot wider and , quite rightly ,she will want privacy. You can do it pro tem but it's not a practical long term plan

Thanks all.

Nothing to do with dh being a man 😊 his job comes with equipment that he needs,he has meetings around dinner time as this is USA morning time 😊, not his choice!

So we are moving in a few weeks. Just had talk to daughter about rooms and privacy- it's me bringing it up she's not bothered yet. She's year4 . She wants to share. We have talked about the room set up and can split the room if they want it or can move them in a few years. So they'll share for now- both already got high rise beds so will keep them- will put curtains on them if they want.

Thanks for everyone's input.

It was quite obvious throughout that this is what you were leaning towards.

It's the wrong decision.

Also, your 9 year old saying she doesn't mind? That's a bit of a cop out. As her parents you need to make the decision on what is best for her. It isn't sharing a room.

Please talk to them both about bodily autonomy and appropriate touches too. I know you think they're too young but they're the same ages it happened to my kids. I thought that too and now it's too late.

@NameChangeSadness I don't think they're too young, we've talked about it. Sorry about your experience.

@premicrois thanks, yes I was leaing towards it as they were, my dd and I are close and talk openly about oeriods etc. We can move them if she changes her mind or split the room. I'll let them lead me I think for now and move them when they're a bit older.

Depends which sex they are

I'd aim to have them in separate rooms by the time your daughter starts secondary. They grow up so quickly in year 7.

Tricky... for a year it might be ok but I'd have a back up plan

I'm sorry but I think this is totally inappropriate. You're the parent - you don't leave it up to a 9yo to make decisions like this.

She has no idea what's going to hit her in a year or two when she starts puberty and it's really unfair to put her in a position where she's forced to change the status quo because her parents didn't take such a big decision out of her hands.

They should have their own space to begin puberty in - they can always have sleepovers in each others' room before then, but it's really important they have their own space - especially as you can easily provide them with it.