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Original poster

Please help me help my deeply unhappy DS

33 replies

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 12:59

Three weeks ago DH and I sat 11yo DS down to talk with him about his behaviour. He'd been becoming increasingly deceitful, rude and stroppy and (at least at the time) it seemed like he would try to ruin every day out we had as a family with a strop. During the conversation he got really upset and said he's been having occasional thoughts that he 'doesn't want to be here anymore' and that he hates his body and thinks hes ugly. At the time I did suspect it may all be an exaggeration to get himself out of trouble but despite all efforts to cheer him up and improve his self confidence these last weeks he's still a really unhappy boy . He is in the full throes of puberty but this seems extreme.

He came out as gay at Christmas and while we haven't made a big deal of it except explain we will love him no matter what, he really struggles to make friends with other boys in Y7 and his friendship group consists of a few girls who can be really toxic to him (bordering on bullying imo but he can't seem to get the courage to distance himself from them). I've considered moving him to a different school but he's adamant this will make things worse.

I am starting to think it may be time to see a GP re the dark thoughts/weepiness and low mood but realistically I know how long CAHMS take and we can't afford a private psychologist/therapist right now. Also - and I know this makes me seem like a deeply narcissistic parent but I'm just scared - my two other children have also had CAHMS involvement (one due to extreme bullying causing depression, now resolved, and my youngest DD for autism). I'm genuinely afraid that they will think DH and I aren't taking care of our children properly for them all to have issues like these. I feel like a failure. These last few weeks have been horrendous and I don't know what to do next.

He has said he doesn't want to see the GP but I don't know what else to do. He was such a happy boy last year and year 7 started so well I just don't know what's happened. I had to shield for a very long time during lockdown due to my disability and I'm scared I've ruined my DCs because of it, things have never really felt ok since it all happened.

Some advice on next steps would be really appreciated and please be gentle I am so upset.

OP posts:

Failingatthemoment · 17/03/2023 13:53

Would counseling be an option?

Beginningless · 17/03/2023 14:09

Oh no wonder you are so upset, how hard to hear how low he feels. I think my first reaction to your post though is how hard on yourself you sound. It’s natural you are very upset by this, it’s natural to think what will people think of you. I imagine I’d feel similar but remember that needing mental heath support isn’t a failure.

I think you need to reframe this and deal with your own feelings. He has trusted you enough to share these difficult feelings with you - that is amazing and testament to your relationship. While it’s scary, you know what’s wrong and communication is open so you can work out together what to do. I think there may be a place for CAMHS/school counselling etc which you should explore, however don’t underestimate that he has come out to YOU, he’s shared his worries with YOU, and you are his safe place just like you were when he was a wee baby.

If I were you I would read lots about young people and MH, arm myself with information, get lots of support for myself to manage my own feelings, and just be there for him as much as you can. Make space for him to talk, ask him questions, go out together and do fun things. I know 1-1 time will be hard to achieve but making that a priority.

Do you have any gay or lesbian adult friends whom he could speak to, to help
normalise what a confusing time this is? In general helping him understand what a headfuck puberty is for anyone. Validating and normalising his feelings. Telling him how proud you are he’s talked to you etc. Mumsnetty hugs to you (I never know why they are unmumsnetty?!) you are doing better than you think I am sure.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 17/03/2023 14:14

Hobby not connected to school.. He may feel able to be more himself away from everyday peers..
Boxing is great for boosting self esteem.. Ime of ds's who do boxing as adults it most certainly doesn't make you aggressive or likely to hit people!
It takes great commitment and builds resilience.. As well as fitness and health boosting!
At his age no actual contact training happens anyway!

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CuteCillian · 17/03/2023 14:19

I was also going to suggest a hobby - is there a fairly local after school/weekend theatre arts school?
Its a great confidence boost and, if performance doesn't appeal, then production roles are usually available.
Sorry you are going through this

coffeeisthebest · 17/03/2023 14:25

Hi OP, that sounds really difficult and you are being very hard on yourself. Firstly I would be relieved that he is voicing it to you. These thoughts are far better spoken than locked in in my opinion. They are a lot for an 11 year old to carry. If private therapy isn't a financial option, does his school offer any pastoral support he could access? Also I get the reluctance to go 'on the radar' as you are concerned about possible labels you will receive as a family, but having had these thoughts myself I know they are anxiety talking, because the most important thing now is to support your child, who is really struggling right now and I suspect needs a safe space to open up and air some of this stuff. Good luck and be kind to yourself. You are clearly a very caring mum

Winter2020 · 17/03/2023 14:27

Could you ,(through him) invite some of his friends for tea/a movie evening or something. Try to strengthen their bonds? Treat your son well and with respect in front of his friends and hope his friends do likewise?

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 14:42

Thank you all so much for being so lovely to me and for all your great suggestions. Exoloring a hobby outside of school may be a good idea, though I'm not sure if he's in the right headspace to engage with it. He used to be a gymnast and was really quite talented, but being the only boy soon caused him insecurity and he ultimately gave it up. I'll definitely have a conversation about this with him. He's a bit of an adrenaline junkie so I'm thinking of maybe a high diving club or something similar, he loves swimming and currently it's the only exercise I can get him to do.

He has also wanted a hamster for the longest time and I've spent this morning ordering a monstrously large cage and all the bits so tomorrow I'm going to surprise him and take him out to buy one. I'm hoping something to tame and nurture might boost his self esteem and give him a project that's just for him

As a PP said yes the fear stems from being 'on the radar' as it were and though I know ultimately no one could claim my DC's are unloved or uncared for, I still really find it hard to understand why all three have presented with these problems when DH and I are present and adore them all to pieces. It never seems to be enough and I really do feel like I have let them down .

DS is adamant he does not want to see a GP or counsellor but seems more open to talking to someone at school but I'm not sure what provision there is for this in schools?

I've told him that if he still feels this way after the Easter break I'll find the money to pay for some private therapy. We can't really afford it but CAHMS could take months and I can't watch him just fade away like this for long.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 14:45

Winter2020 · 17/03/2023 14:27

It's gone a bit beyond that I think. I read some messages one of the girls sent him and they were really quite atrocious and if it were up to me he wouldn't associate with them going forwards, but he seems extremely dependant on them for validation to an unhealthy degree.

OP posts:

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 17/03/2023 14:53

I mean this gently but firmly, OP, sorry: If the messages are atrocious then it is bullying, not just bordering on bullying, and the school need to know and he needs to be protected from them. I know he has his own mind and you say it's not up to you who he hangs around with, but it really kind of is. He's only 11, he can't be allowed to think this is normal. I know you know this so I won't harp on because you've enough on your plate and you sound like such a lovely mum who just wants what's best for her lovely son

I would also echo PP regarding outside school in-person hobbies.

I hope hamster shopping goes well, sounds fun!

anon37484291918 · 17/03/2023 14:57

He's being bullied op. Contact the school, screenshot the messages and send it to the girls parents.

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 14:57

Yes I know deep down it's bullying, but they've been friends since primary and whenever I've tried to mention speaking to their mothers or the school he gets quite panicky and says they aren't like it most of the time and he doesn't want to lose them as friends. It's really difficult to know how to navigate it when it's within a friend group and not a random kid victimising him like we had with DD1. Ideally I'd like to send him to his sisters secondary as the school literally saved DDs life and I think he'd be happy there. However it's a faith school and DS being gay is afraid he'll be bullied there, as well as his refusal to leave his toxic friend group.

OP posts:

Cleargreysky · 17/03/2023 15:01

Is there a Parkour or Freerunning class or group near you? If he used to be a gymnast there will be a lot of transferable skills there.

Also martial arts/ capoeria (can't spell that!)/ street dance may also be quite transferable from gymnastics, and are quite likely to be male dominated/ have other men there. Parkour/free running are very male dominated.

Cleargreysky · 17/03/2023 15:04

I think you may need to make the decision for him regarding school. He doesn't sound in any way in the head space to make his own decisions on this, so I think you need to be adult decision maker here. I would speak to the faith school about him being gay and concerns and depending on their answer just move him there. If you have a child at the school, do you already have any sense of their stance on this?

Dacadactyl · 17/03/2023 15:07

What is he accessing online?

If he has lots of social media etc, id advise you get him off of it. It is so toxic for younngsters' mental health and this could also be where his body image issues stem from.

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 17/03/2023 15:07

Oh love, it's so hard But he is going to grow up thinking this is how relationships between people are, unless it's made crystal clear through adults' actions that this is not acceptable. It's not just about the here and now. Please tell the school.

For his sister's school, could you find out what the culture and atmosphere are really like for gay pupils? Is there a way? I can totally understand his concern but it might not be the case.

NeedToChangeName · 17/03/2023 15:08

I think a hobby outside school would be good. Having a skill is good for self esteem

And pets are good for children as they don't judge. And he can confide in the hamster, knowing the hamster won't betray his trust

I hope things improve for him. It's good he was able to confide in you and DH. Is there another trusted adult he could talk to eg a kind uncle who could take him out sometimes? There is research about the value of trusted adults eg journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0044118X16637610

www.youngminds.org.uk/media/by3o0aru/someone-to-turn-to-report.pdf

Or might he benefit from a mentor? mcrpathways.org/

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 17/03/2023 15:11

@NeedToChangeName a mentor sounds like a wonderful idea. I had no idea such schemes existed!

spiderlight · 17/03/2023 15:13

Do you have a fencing club near you? My DS fenced for many years and it's such a fun, friendly and supportive sport - he made loads of friends, and it's all mixed at club level with boys and girls fighting each other. It helped a lot when he was having friendship difficulties in Y7.

NeedToChangeName · 17/03/2023 15:13

LadyWindermeresOnlyFans · 17/03/2023 15:11

@NeedToChangeName a mentor sounds like a wonderful idea. I had no idea such schemes existed!

I think it's a great scheme. As I understand, they're not qualified counsellors, but just kind sensible adults who can offer support and a wider perspective

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 15:20

Tbh free running or similar sounds like something he'd be interested in trying so I'll bring this up with him at dinner to see what he says. Regarding DDs schools stance on homosexuality, it's not particularly welcoming in that regard, lots of "hate the sin not the sinner" type rubbish. Its a shame as the core of the school is fantastic and the staff are wonderful. Mentoring sounds good too, though I'm wondering if there is a service like that specifically for gay teens? We're a bit out of our depth with supporting Jim there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 15:20

Him not Jim

OP posts:

Avarua2 · 17/03/2023 15:21

My sensitive child is very attached to our family dog. He's her best friend and he always cheers her up. Having a dog has been wonderful for her.

Avarua2 · 17/03/2023 15:22

Free running/ parkour is amazing. I bet he'd love it.

WinterDeWinter · 17/03/2023 15:29

If your child's school is breaking equalities law by implying that homosexuality is a sin you really really really need to get him away from there OP. I understand how difficult this will be to get him to go along with but this will damage him for life. More than what he thinks he needs, he needs to see you say 'no, this is not right, and I will not allow you to be exposed to this toxic fake morality because it will hurt you.'

He will be clinging to the girls because they accept a part of him that he is being told by the school is a sin.

Fucking hell. And report to Ofsted, pronto.

Original poster

Mayormumbles · 17/03/2023 15:38

WinterDeWinter · 17/03/2023 15:29

He will be clinging to the girls because they accept a part of him that he is being told by the school is a sin.

Fucking hell. And report to Ofsted, pronto.

Sorry that's DDs school. DS's school is very accepting with regard to lgbtq issues and has a zero tolerance policy for homophobia.

OP posts:

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