Please help me help my deeply unhappy DS

[Mayormumbles]

Three weeks ago DH and I sat 11yo DS down to talk with him about his behaviour. He'd been becoming increasingly deceitful, rude and stroppy and (at least at the time) it seemed like he would try to ruin every day out we had as a family with a strop. During the conversation he got really upset and said he's been having occasional thoughts that he 'doesn't want to be here anymore' and that he hates his body and thinks hes ugly. At the time I did suspect it may all be an exaggeration to get himself out of trouble but despite all efforts to cheer him up and improve his self confidence these last weeks he's still a really unhappy boy . He is in the full throes of puberty but this seems extreme.

He came out as gay at Christmas and while we haven't made a big deal of it except explain we will love him no matter what, he really struggles to make friends with other boys in Y7 and his friendship group consists of a few girls who can be really toxic to him (bordering on bullying imo but he can't seem to get the courage to distance himself from them). I've considered moving him to a different school but he's adamant this will make things worse.

I am starting to think it may be time to see a GP re the dark thoughts/weepiness and low mood but realistically I know how long CAHMS take and we can't afford a private psychologist/therapist right now. Also - and I know this makes me seem like a deeply narcissistic parent but I'm just scared - my two other children have also had CAHMS involvement (one due to extreme bullying causing depression, now resolved, and my youngest DD for autism). I'm genuinely afraid that they will think DH and I aren't taking care of our children properly for them all to have issues like these. I feel like a failure. These last few weeks have been horrendous and I don't know what to do next.

He has said he doesn't want to see the GP but I don't know what else to do. He was such a happy boy last year and year 7 started so well I just don't know what's happened. I had to shield for a very long time during lockdown due to my disability and I'm scared I've ruined my DCs because of it, things have never really felt ok since it all happened.

Some advice on next steps would be really appreciated and please be gentle I am so upset.

My 11yo dd is going through the same. Part of a friendship group where one child (her former bbf) seems to want to make her life a misery. Our school are not seeing it for what it is so I'm building a case. She has been very angry, upset and low. We had a moment where she grabbed a knife and she has been referred to cahms (year wait at least). School have done some one to one counselling which has helped a bit.

We do meditation together and make sure we get one to one time daily. The GP has now arranged for her to have some short term counselling at the GP surgery so I do think it's worth asking. She also phones childline when she wants someone different to talk to. They have some excellent resources on their website.

Ah sorry @Mayormumbles I missed that. But definitely don't send him to DDs school! Seriously, he will take a very bad message from that I think.

I’m not sure which part of the country you’re in, but it might be worth contacting Barnardos. My daughter goes to one of their weekly youth groups which supports young people’s emotional health and wellbeing. Their centres have trained workers the children can trust and talk to. A lot of LGBTQ kids go along and it’s a really supportive environment.

Do you think he might enjoy something like youth theatre? It's quite energetic, lots of adrenaline from the performing, and it often attracts gay kids meaning possibly a more relaxing environment for him.

I am not surprised you’re upset.

Speaking as someone who was horrendously unhappy and thus difficult between about 11 and 14 I would say he really does need a safe space to talk. I know the CAHMs lists are long but see if the GP could suggest something else, also worth looking for any organisations that support gay teens. If you draw a blank is there anyway you can reorganise your finances to get him some counselling?? Or could your parents help?

Don’t feel it’s a reflection on you. Teen years are really difficult - it’s mostly hormones, a changing brain and body, social media, school and peer pressure, body image and sexuality.. it’s no wonder some of them crash really.

I hope it gets better soon OP

Girl’s friendship groups are notoriously fractious in the former years of secondary in my experience and I’ve read the same on here. Lots of big emotions and practically zero empathy. They get better from year 9/10. Your ds is riding this wave.

We got a child psychologist on board when dd was little. The psychologist also worked for teens. She was brilliant and did whole family therapy to help us parent better (dd is an only). It wasn’t cheap but we only worked with her fortnightly and for about 5 months. If you can afford some kind of therapy, it is so worth it.

Your ds has confided in you. Now that you know something is not right, you can do something about it.

OP you’ve already had lots of good advice on here, all I’d add is to say “you love him no matter what” is problematic as it implies that what he’s told you is somehow something you need to get past/get over in order to love him “despite that” or “no matter what”. This isn’t actually you saying you accept him whole. I get the impression you’re trying to seem okay with something you’re actually not that ok with - you mentioned you don’t want to be seen as a bad parent by Camhs.

Absolutely not and that isn't the phrasing I used at the time, either. I was justvexplaining that we had reassured him that it wouldn't affect how we feel about him in any way because there is nothing to be ashamed of. I have zero issue with DS's sexuality and had maybe already suspected a little beforehand. All I care about is his happiness and that he is comfortable and confident in himself.