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Original poster

AIBU Boyfriend stays out until 1.40 am

48 replies

Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 02:05

my boyfriend (49- not 21!)has just rolled in steaming after meeting a colleague (f) and spending 8 hours in the pub with her…… I was told that he was meeting her, but that he wouldn’t be late, he would come home and to leave him something for supper- which I did. I waited up, as I don’t sleep well.

I know that I’m probably going to get told off for being unreasonable?

He has in the past met up with female friends in secret. He always stays out with them mega late, unlike when he meets up with his male friends.

I suppose some background is helpful here- I met up with a male friend once, for soup at my house ( before we moved in together) and I got a shit storm rained down on my head; I had to delete my ex husband and an ex boyfriend from all social media and my phone, etc- at my current boyfriend’s request. I have met up with friends twice and been on one work night out since ( in 3 years) and have had the silent treatment after…..

Am I actually being unreasonable? Probably? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Northernsouloldies · 17/03/2023 02:15

So you have to abide by a different set of rules to keep the peace?. Bugger that live your life as you see fit. He needs to grow up.

Original poster
Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 02:22

He’s been drunkenly ranting at me telling me that I’m behaving like a jealous 16 year old, I’m pathetic. He told her that he would be getting into trouble for staying out with her, as I’m the jealous type…. I suppose I am a bit- isn’t everyone?

OP posts:
Bepis · 17/03/2023 02:32

The fact that he stays out late with another woman and then makes you feel bad for his actions would be enough for me to end a relationship.

Totally inappropriate what he is doing and he is calling you 'jealous' to absolve himself of any guilt.

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barmycatmum · 17/03/2023 02:35

I think the only way you are being unreasonable is keeping this man in your life in any way.
you can’t be his mum, and why is he requiring you to spend your energy keeping him at all honest (if he even is honest.)

BIN HIM immediately

Mannymoomin · 17/03/2023 03:03

Well I’m not going to tell you off for being unreasonable, you aren’t - but I will say this reads to me like coercive control, making you delete your exs on social media, giving you the silent treatment for going out with friends.

I don’t usually jump to coercive control but those things really struck me, if you have more red flags going on then perhaps Claire’s law would be useful, it’s clearly enough to get under your skin.

Summer2424 · 17/03/2023 04:17

Hi @Jealoustype you're not being unreasonable x
I wouldn't like it tbh and he clearly wouldn't like it too if you had done that. I'd give him the silent treatment like he did to you x

Fourecks · 17/03/2023 04:35

You're not being unreasonable at all. He is being unreasonable because he is holding you to a different standard than he's holding himself. I'd be tempted to tell him that he's the jealous one and if it's ok for him to go out with females until the early hours of the morning, then it's fine for you too. But I probably wouldn't because who knows what he would do to you. He's already gaslighting you and making you think you're unreasonable when you're absolutely not.

Autienotnautie · 17/03/2023 05:13

It wouldn't bother me the staying out (if no young children) who he was with would depend on their relationship. I probably would feel strange about dh spending a evening getting drunk with a female friend. But would probably discuss it before the night out. The way he reacted to you would be a big problem for me.

MrsRickAstley · 17/03/2023 05:16

Do you have a make friend you can stay out till 1:40 am with ?? If not I think you should find one!!!

No wait, don't bother. Just DUMP him. 🚩🚩🚩

Danskekat · 17/03/2023 05:20

Not unreasonable he stays out every now and then. Totally unreasonable that you are expected to behave differently.

GoodChat · 17/03/2023 05:34

He sounds like a bellend if you're expected to just accept is behaviour but behave entirely differently yourself

Charley50 · 17/03/2023 05:39

He's controlling you. I hope you're ok right now, and I hope you decide to leave him and find a safe way to do it.

PsychoHotSauce · 17/03/2023 05:40

The double standard is the red flag here. He thinks he can do what he likes while you have to stay quietly in your box like a good little girl.

Get rid.

frozendaisy · 17/03/2023 05:43

So he thinks he's a god, demanding supper then not eating. Saying "oh she will be jealous" like he's sex prince of the world.

Yet if you dare to have fun without him, silent treatment and demands of who you can't have as a contact in your phone.

Oh OP really.

I really hope the house is yours and you can ask him to leave as it's not really a partnership is it.

Poppyblush · 17/03/2023 05:49

Leave or kick him out.

CocoKenny · 17/03/2023 06:04

So many red flags here. He's shifting blame to avoid any accountability and doesn't seem to care how you feel at all.
Get rid. Pronto.

aslkde · 17/03/2023 06:26

Pub shut hours before he got home. He hasn't just been out for a drink

Shoxfordian · 17/03/2023 06:33

He’s controlling you and giving you one rule whilst he does what he likes. Dump him and start being happy again op

IMarchToADifferentDrummer · 17/03/2023 06:41

Which pub is open until that late??
You could offer to meet up with them - or just turn up unexpectedly and say you fancied joining them!!
The fact that he stays out with these women much later than his male friends is, in itself, a huge red flag!
He doesn't like you going out and made you delete friends, nope, HE'S the problem NOT you!!!

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/03/2023 07:10

He tells you to leave him something for supper, but then goes out with a woman until the early hours instead? Does he think you're his mother?

He's not going to change now. He thinks what he's done is completely acceptable. Most people wouldn't agree with that. I think you should tell him to take a running jump.

tinytemper66 · 17/03/2023 07:11

Tell him to fuck off.

RunTowardsTheLight · 17/03/2023 07:13

He's an absolute dickhead for thinking it's fine for him to do this but you're not allowed to. OP - how can you think you're being unreasonable??

GrazingSheep · 17/03/2023 07:20

Just leave him.
Surely bring single must be better than this shitshow?

WhineWhineWINE · 17/03/2023 07:28

Read your post back to yourself. He meets up with other women in secret and comes home way after the pubs are shut. Do you really need to ask?

minmooch · 17/03/2023 07:32

He's lying.

He's possibly cheating - pubs close at 11.00 pm.

He's gaslighting - typical controlling abusive behaviour to make you doubt yourself. It's cruel.

He's controlling - telling you to delete people off your phone etc???

Giving you the silent treatment - who is he, a child?

See this man for what he is. And get rid of.

You deserve so much better.

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