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Original poster

AIBU Boyfriend stays out until 1.40 am

48 replies

Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 02:05

my boyfriend (49- not 21!)has just rolled in steaming after meeting a colleague (f) and spending 8 hours in the pub with her…… I was told that he was meeting her, but that he wouldn’t be late, he would come home and to leave him something for supper- which I did. I waited up, as I don’t sleep well.

I know that I’m probably going to get told off for being unreasonable?

He has in the past met up with female friends in secret. He always stays out with them mega late, unlike when he meets up with his male friends.

I suppose some background is helpful here- I met up with a male friend once, for soup at my house ( before we moved in together) and I got a shit storm rained down on my head; I had to delete my ex husband and an ex boyfriend from all social media and my phone, etc- at my current boyfriend’s request. I have met up with friends twice and been on one work night out since ( in 3 years) and have had the silent treatment after…..

Am I actually being unreasonable? Probably? 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
KalvinPhillipsBoots · 17/03/2023 07:35

You are his girlfriend not his mother, stop being so controlling.

BarrelOfOtters · 17/03/2023 07:39

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 17/03/2023 07:35

You are his girlfriend not his mother, stop being so controlling.

I don’t think she’s being the controlling one here.

GlassBunion · 17/03/2023 07:41

@KalvinPhillipsBoots
Did you actually read the OP?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships Relationship problems
PabsyPops · 17/03/2023 07:42

Domestic abusive - coercive control.

Leave him.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 17/03/2023 07:48

It's OK for him to stay out late but not to treat you so badly. Now is the time to end the relationship.

xsquared · 17/03/2023 08:03

For starters we have,

Double standards to suit him and to keep you in check.

Blame shifting by calling you the jealous type, so that he can do what he wants and avoid responsibility.

Silent treatment to punish you for the same behaviour he does himself.

What does this sound like a list of?

He is controlling.

Please do yourself a favour and leave him. You will be so much happier.

QuietlyConfident · 17/03/2023 08:08

Staying out late is trivial besides the way he's treating you.

Original poster
Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 08:08

Thanks folks for all your messages, I’m a bit blown away- thought that I must be unreasonable….

unfortunately, we bought our property together and we both have children from previous relationships living here.

I slept on my children’s bedroom floor. He wanted to ‘talk’ to me when he came home, but after being called pathetic, I retreated to my bedroom away from drunk bf.

I was worried, as he has shoved me around before when drunk. We had discussed it and I had cut down on my drinking and peace had reigned again…..

I did look at moving out before Christmas, but have a temporary part time job🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🫣

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 17/03/2023 08:12

OP, your problem isn’t your drunk boyfriend, it’s a man who has isolated you and stopped you seeing your friends

This is coercive behaviour and emotional abuse.

You need to make plans to leave asap.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/03/2023 08:13

Why are you with this twat?

Seriously.

Have a bit of respect for yourself and work out the next bit of your life.

MajorCarolDanvers · 17/03/2023 08:15

You are both being unreasonable - for wanting to control the other.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/03/2023 08:15

And he’s also violent?

Seriously you need to get out for your and your children’s sake. If you want to it for you do it for them.

This being MN I am sure someone has recommended the Freedom programme.

Can you get things moving this weekend?

Politicalnamechange · 17/03/2023 08:17

Ask your children (if they're older) what they think of him

Neolara · 17/03/2023 08:19

PsychoHotSauce · 17/03/2023 05:40

The double standard is the red flag here. He thinks he can do what he likes while you have to stay quietly in your box like a good little girl.

Get rid.

This.

Original poster
Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 08:32

@Politicalnamechange - they think he’s ok. But he’s an improvement on their dad’s girlfriend, whom I recently asked to stop swearing at my poor children……

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 17/03/2023 08:53

For godbwes sakes he has shown you who he is and you are putting up with it

You don't need to be told you don't have too

Oilyoilyoilgob · 17/03/2023 08:58

Poor kids growing up in this-and I don’t Jean that nastily but it’s just the truth. No one needs this kind of shit in their lives, but the kids can’t walk away from it.

Living with a guy that shoved their mum, rolls in pissed and the arguments.

Just get rid and aim for a better life for you all, who needs this?

Politicalnamechange · 17/03/2023 09:22

Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 08:32

@Politicalnamechange - they think he’s ok. But he’s an improvement on their dad’s girlfriend, whom I recently asked to stop swearing at my poor children……

I doubt that. They probably say it because they don't want to upset you.

Original poster
Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 10:16

@Politicalnamechange - I suspect you’re right.

I’ve probably made a mess of everything and I don’t know how to move forward from it. 😢

OP posts:
Politicalnamechange · 17/03/2023 10:21

You sit down when you're both calm and sober and you talk about it. You clearly need to split so that comes with all the associated mess and upheaval but it will be worth it I promise

billyt · 17/03/2023 11:42

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 17/03/2023 07:35

You are his girlfriend not his mother, stop being so controlling.

FFS. Are you the dickhead 'boyfriend'?

If so, fuck off out of her life. Oh, and grow up.

FictionalCharacter · 17/03/2023 11:56

Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 08:08

Thanks folks for all your messages, I’m a bit blown away- thought that I must be unreasonable….

unfortunately, we bought our property together and we both have children from previous relationships living here.

I slept on my children’s bedroom floor. He wanted to ‘talk’ to me when he came home, but after being called pathetic, I retreated to my bedroom away from drunk bf.

I was worried, as he has shoved me around before when drunk. We had discussed it and I had cut down on my drinking and peace had reigned again…..

I did look at moving out before Christmas, but have a temporary part time job🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🫣

Oh lord,this gets worse. He shoves you around when he’s drunk?
Do you really, honestly think you’re being unreasonable? Why do you think it’s ok for you to be subjected to this?
PPs have pointed out his double standards and the way he’s controlling you. He’s met other women in secret. He’s jealous and verbally abusive. He’s borderline violent, unless you’re playing it down and he is violent. This will be your life forever if you don’t get out.

Original poster
Jealoustype · 17/03/2023 17:59

@FictionalCharacter - I already have a failed marriage behind me. We had had conversations about some of our difficulties, but I feel as though I just papered over the cracks and those cracks are still there…

OP posts:
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