Are my feelings normal or is this outside of the norm?

[TomPiddleston]

I have been thinking for years that I don't think or feel like others do. But recently two big events in my life has brought this back to the front of my mind. Because I can't fathom the people around me reactions.

So for example. Dh has a very young relative diagnosed with a terminal incurable illness. Dh isn't the brightess spark but he knows this diagnosis is bad. I cried on and off the day I heard ( don't worry its all behind closed doors so no one close to the effected person would ever know so it's not about me or a grief vampire or attention seeking). But I'm wondering if my reaction is weird. It didn't impact my day in any way but it was on my mind and I shed a few tears. Dh said 'oh' didn't talk to anyone in his family, not even to check if closer relatives was OK. I'm inclined to think his reaction isn't normal but maybe it's me? The relative is a special person to me, closer than most of his family. Very young, very unfair.

Then I heard my mum might have dementia. Told my sibling. Mum is confused about tests she is having at hospital. Sibling said 'oh shit, I had better go to next appointment' but that was that. No discussion of when next appointment is, what happens if this is dementia. Sibling had no idea if mum needs care the state would spend her estate for example so their is strong denial there and general unawareness. But, I have read up on everything. I'm there googling everything. I'm thinking unless we let mum get on with it alone our lives might be about to implode.

So, I feel to much? Care too much? I'm not a empath. It's not that. But I swing between thinking I'm surrounded by emotionally frigid people and me experiencing things at 150%. I don't feel normal. I can't fathom how for example these two people feel. Which in itself tells me that I know it's me, and it has a name.

But if that's true, do I need to numb off? Save tears for my relatives funeral quietly and privately at the back out of sight. Watch my mum deteriote and wait for the state to scope her up? I love my relative so so much. I can't watch my mum deteriote alone. I don't see how not caring or getting emotionally invested is normal? I don't mention the disparity of how dh and Sibling seem to taking there news so one has any ideas I feel this way. I will never verbalise that i feel this way. I They are happy in denial but it eats me up inside.

Everyone is different, I'd be like you though, so sorry for all you're going through xx

You sound very sensitive but you've lost me a bit at suggesting your sister is emotionally frigid. If you need help with your mum then ask her outright to take your mum into hospital for tests? Sounds like she's said shes going to do that anyway?

My sibling had a transplant last year and I did the vast majority of the practical stuff and visiting. She did have a couple of friends who rang me in tears a few times and it actually wasn't at all helpful. It's fine you react the way you do but if you were really empathetic you'd also realise everyone reacts differently, and as long as they are pulling their weight practically then it's up to them how they deal with it.

You are being very dramatic. Your mum and your relatives parents will need calm practical support. Sometimes you do just need to deal with things as they arise rather than googling madly trying to prepare for the worst. Dementia in particular can be a very slow decline. You don't actually knownif she had dementia yet!

I think everyone is different; I will cry when things happen like you and DH will shut off and then one day it comes pouring it but that can take ages.
i don’t think either of your reactions are too much or over the top.
A close friend of mine has recently become ill and me and my other friend have reacted completely differently despite being equally close to her

I didn't say I'm really empathetic. I'm not a empath. I don't think my sister is emotionally frigid either. I think people around are, compared to me. Another example is mum siblings died and she didn't go to the funeral. I couldn't understand her emotions so that's the opposite of being a empath. I just don't get it at all. I would never cry at someone else's loss. I'd go off and cry on my own at a funeral for example. Friends husband died I was on the last row, had a sniffle then walked around the crematorium to man up before talking to other guests. I have never even said I'm sad he died, I only say it in respect to her loss. I'm very mindful of always doing this. Which in itself is weird, that I'm mentally checking myself. I'm not desvested at my friends loss, it just doesn't seem normal to cry over his death either at the funeral for example.

Not everybody grieves like a dramatic, wailing Sicilian widow.
Btw the people you mention aren’t dead yet.

You are judging others rather than yourself though?

I don’t think you’re being dramatic at all.

Yes you’ve been overthinking and coming up with worst case scenarios re. your mum but that is the sort of thing I do too. I don’t feel like I’m over-dramatic. Your sibling’s reaction (you didn’t say whether they’re male or female) feels like quite a male reaction, although I could be wrong. The thing about sibling groups if they tend to adopt roles, and it sounds like your role is the thinker and the doer and, perhaps, your sibling feels like you are going to be the one taking control of this situation with your Mum and they can sit back a little, safe in the knowledge that it’s being taken care of.

I definitely noticed my Mum’s brothers did this when my grandmother had dementia.

I think your reactions are fine but what's not fine is expecting everyone else to react the same way you do and assuming that just because they aren't voicing particular concerns means they aren't having them. That suggests to me that you have some of your own issues as you seem to not be able to empathise with other peoples different reactions. For example Just because your natural reaction is to cry all day doesn't mean it's any less normal for your husband to be relatively non-affected by news about someone he is not close to.

İ don't think anyone is abnormal here; everyone is different.

But you know what you feel inside ( others only see the outside). Similarly you see what other people allow you to see on the outside but you don't know how they feel inside.

You feel your grief but try not to show it, crying behind closed doors. How do you know that others aren't doing the same?

I don't think dh crys behind closed doors. It's also someone he is very close too, closer than me as it's his blood relative. He hasn't comforted his mum or called her. Or sought out any more information than the two sentences he got from me ( via his mum). "X has had further tests, it's worse than they thought. It's incurable" met with 'oh' no questions of are they sure, how long do they have. Just a non reaction. Yes they aren't dead yet. But they might be dead maybe within months. I don't think I can be OK, then get upset once they have gone. I'd rather get my head around the likely outcome now as its inevitable.

Re my sibling it might be that I'm seen as the fixer and the doer but I don't want that role. I have told them.at the beginning of mums tests I'm not doing that.

It does seem from these responses my reactions are weird. Which is what I suspected. I was thinking last night re my relative I need to accept it and park it. But I need to mentally choose that, it doesn't just happen. I need to actively decide to park it. My mum? I don't know what to do. I feel an urge to dive in, get POA and do as much as we can to make the process are bearable as possible but I'm weighing up if that's what others would do.

I'm a bit tired of diving into things that really should only scratch the surface if I was like other normal people. Also I am holding people to my standards. All the time. When people don't they disappoint me. But then I feel the urge, with my mum, to step up.

Also I am holding people to my standards. All the time. When people don't they disappoint me. But then I feel the urge, with my mum, to step up

OK then wait until she has a diagnosis then talk to your mum about PoA.

Contact the mum of the ill relative and asks if she needs anything.

The problem with my mum is that she said she doesn't understand the hospital letters so is ignoring them. I'm not sure if her cognactive ability is already effecting her. Hence urge to dive in and sort it out. I feel I need to know the facts, where in the process she is, what happens next. I do acknowledge that mum is possibly happy not knowing or understanding but my feelings of frustration are making me want to take over. I would sit on my hands but what if this is part of the dementia? So she never understands? I'm struggling to process that everyone isn't feeling like this. I'm struggling to accept I might need to just watch it play out as that would be a more normal reaction. I get also it isn't about me. But maybe I'm making it about me?

Already contacted the ill relatives mum and and there is no need to reply as I know she will be overwhelmed and possibly bombarded with contact snd she has responded to that.

I don't think your reactions to things seen weird but I think you are overthinking everything .

It sounds to me that these relatives are under reacting.

But normal can encompass a very wide range. So you are towards one end of normal and they are nearer the other end.

As a child I used to cry and bury the dead birds our cats brought in. Lollipop stick crosses, flowers, and a prayer.

I think I know which end of normal I’m on.

I think it's fine to be worried about your mum! I would recommend keeping a good relationship with your siblings as a strong relationship with them will help in the future.

Yes I'm not going to tell my sibling my feelings. I need them to get on board that we need to ask about POA but if they don't agree by a set I will ask my mum. Maybe I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now. Everyone seems to take bad news in their stride

I think you sound like a normal caring person, and the people around you may be too, but not showing it to you

It sounds like you are too late to organise power of attorney though, Don't lose any time, get the wheels in motion today. You can download the forms from the govt website £80 each, read carefully. It does take around 6 months to be processed

Who is more miserable and who can cry more.
It’s a race to the bottom, eh?

I find this sort of naval gazing very odd.

do you have a job> are you bored with not much to occupy your mind?

It's not like that as no one is aware of my feelings and I don't cry in front of anyone. So it's much the same as hating someones guts. If you don't know how does it touch your life? I don't shed tears for just anyone btw. But a very young adult? My mum? I don't think that makes me a arsehole. Maybe I am. But I haven't cried over my mums situation.

You’re still not really accepting that everyone deals with things differently.
Just because these other people are not reacting the same way as you (or appearing to? You say you don’t cry in front of others, how do you know what anyone is doing behind closed doors??) doesn’t mean they don’t feel it inside?
My dad was diagnosed with cancer this week. Some people might feel my way of dealing with it was odd. I’ve not cried. It’s not how I am. I am still very worried. I love as much as anyone loves their father.
Your reactions are fine as long as you aren’t wailing all over the affected person and making things worse. But stop judging how other people cope emotionally against how you do. If you need help, ask.

The reason I asked is because I have 3 children with ASD and over the years a few health professionals have suggested I go for diagnosis. I have been thinking whats the point. But now with my mum possibly getting ill and and my siblings more laid back, see what happens if it happens attitude, I'm wondering if it might help. Help me accept that I can't empathise with others emotions and that I can't hold people to my own experiences of the same situation. I feel I get fixated onnall the small details. Also maybe I should be observing more what other people do and try to model that a bit more. I have said to my gp, my kids paediatrician that I have zero interest in changing my ways, but if I'm going to see my mum morph into a different person I'm going to have to get over however my sibling deals with it. It would I guess be easier to let it go, if it's I'm wired differently. Mostly I just feel abnormal, self absorbed and weird. Which might be closer to the truth.

Again, just because you and your sibling deal with things in different ways does not make either of you weird or abnormal.
I wouldn’t suggest you need to change the way YOU respond. But you do have to accept that others do it differently. You can’t change that either.
You do you and let them do it their way.
As long as they are providing the practical help that is possible then it really isn’t your problem how they choose to cope emotionally.

There are lots of NT people who judge the way others deal with things OP - it doesn't make you abnormal, just judgemental! Which is understandable as you are dealing with a lot. Personally I'd park the agony for the ill child as you have three non NT kids and a dh who need you and a mum who may be in decline. You've reached out to the mum and that's all you can do for now.