Is anyone else just drowning in the food demands of faddy/fussy friends and family members?

[RudsyFarmer]

I don’t think I’ve ever known it as difficult as it is right now to try and feed people. I’ve just had the most painful ten minutes trying to find food to feed my mother. Everything from onions, potatoes, beef, lamb, turmeric!!!!!!…. is off the table. In one conversation 90% of common food stuffs was a no.

My partner is only marginally better. if I put too much on his plate he can’t eat a thing. Anything goes wrong at work - won’t eat his dinner. My youngest child is the same. Generally won’t eat. The school talks to me about their concern regarding him leaving his lunch everyday. Is fussy, pernickity, won’t eat vegetables, doesn’t like spice. Only wants to eat pizza. My older child, the texture has to be right, will eat certain foods, not others. Will act like I’m trying to poison him if I put butter on something. The food is too hot, too cold, too thick, too runny etc etc etc.

I on the other hand will eat anything but am overweight so have to limit my food or else I’m getting bigger and bigger. All I want to do is feed people food and move on. Instead I have to hyper focus on food or else everyone else is just disappearing around me. I feel like a drug addict surrounded by drugs constantly. ITS DOING MY HEAD IN 😡😡

Try putting yourself in the place of someone who has problems eating; textures, smells they can't tolerate etc. It limits you ever eating with anyone but those who you've dared to reveal your problems to and even then you probably hide just how bad it is. It could leave you unhealthy or at risk of deficiencies. But you can't help it.

I am allergic to tomatoes and intolerant of dairy.
I haven’t eaten meat for 30+ years. I eat some white fish.
I choose not to eat carbs or processed food.

I know I’m a nightmare to feed so I self cater pretty much everywhere.

I feel for my husband because he probably feels like you do.

I have ARFID and texture is a big thing for me. For example, I can eat boiled potatoes, but mashed potatoes make me gag.

My diet is frustratingly limited…but I just can’t help it. I wouldn’t be able to even attempt to eat a food that isn’t on my safe list

OP, I hear you. DD is extremely fussy, stubborn and seemingly needs very little food to survive. DS is having control issues related to an incurable disease diagnosis, and so pretends not to be hungry, ever. Can also go long periods without eating. Both him and me are also coeliac, so we have had to decontaminate our house, but when eating out I have to be hypervigilant. DH is veggie. BMIL is vegan. My mum is coeliac, and my dad won't eat spices.

I feel like I have to produce a constant parade of foods to tempt my kids to eat, while batting off insistent demands for junk or tantrums about not wanting to eat X, Y and Z.

I did go hardline a while back and often just give them what I'm making, but their capacity to sit, stubbornly, and not eat the thing in front of them is staggering.

While I am sympathetic: I'm also bloody sick of it. I often think (but don't say) FGS just eat - it's a basic human function without which you will die. Stop fannying about and wasting so much time and effort!!

i don’t really experience this with my friends / family but I would have zero patience beyond genuine allergies. We’re so lucky to have food - it’s such a privilege position to then make a fuss about eating it

Yes, ds' has autism and is very faffy around foods. I'm autistic as well, but grew up with little food and was constantly hungry so I'm not fussy beyond not really liking chickpeas and couscous.

Your dd probably sees her dad being picky about food. It would do my head in. I'd make sure my dp.cooked a few.times a week.

Yes!

DS1 has probable ASD and potential ARFID. DS2 has what is hopefully just normal toddler pickiness plus a bit of copying his brother. There's the constant worry that DS2 will progress to having food issues like DS1 has. DH is just constantly hungry. And I need to lose a bit of weight.

😫

For such a benign act the eating of food is a battlefield!

We often make a few different meals. I’m vegan, one of our children is vegan, has an allergy and is also autistic and has some issues with foods. My partner eats most things, our other child has a few things that he doesn’t eat.

We don’t stress it, it is what it is. If I’m cooking, it’s vegan and I’ll work round everyone’s preferences, if my partner or son cook, they do the same but include some meat/dairy/eggs for them.

People on mumsnet seem to have strong views on this and say ‘I’d only cook one meal, take it or leave it’. 😬

No that's not normal. However you can reduce several issues which are out of your control. Don't feed your mum, ask her to bring things if she wants to eat them. If she lives with you, she can cook for herself. Your DH should plate his own food up. If he doesn't want eat, he doesn't have to eat. Kids will survive on whatever their food is.

Have a month off from trying to get people to eat things they don't want. Focus on your own needs and see what happens.

Aside from genuine allergies and conditions like Afrid etc I know what you mean and it drives me up the wall. I used to enjoy cooking and trying new recipes etc but my love for this has totally gone with the fussiness of DH and DS(8). Neither has a genuine problem, just fussiness. DS has been seen by a dietician and an OT via phone consultation and both say he’s choosing to be fussy.

It’s soul-destroying that food fussiness dictates our life and I hate it.

I know I shouldn’t probably say this but I do wonder about households (and countries) where food is scarce due to income or famine and about what the levels of fussiness are. I’d say, sadly, quite low.

Yeah, short of allergies I have zero patience for “I don’t like/I don’t want to eat that”. I don’t care, I have a million things to do and I’m not pandering to your nonsense. My DH tried it once with a new diet he planned on following and handed me a list of things he didn’t want to eat anymore. I told him he’s welcome to shop and cook for himself but I’m not making multiple meals a day.

I get what you're saying (and do often cook separately), but it is exhausting and I can't cook multiple meals every mealtime - I work FT and it takes twice as long to make everyone's dinner. If I start cooking at 6 or 6.30pm, when I've finished work, and I'm making sure we eat a fresh, home-cooked meal every day, and that we all sit down and eat together, isn't that enough?

Adding extra meals on top every time? How do you find the time? Don't you end up spending hours cooking?

(I do batch cook btw, but a lot of what my DD actually wants doesn't freeze, so not always possible.)

I was at this place before both DD's moved out, yes.
Husband fine, not pernickety but had a medical need I tried to cater for. No problem with that, although his highly irregular hours and complete lack of interest in any aspect of food planning, shopping or prep has occasionally made this a lonely task. Prior to that DD became veggie when she was about 15? Again, fine - only she made no attempt to shop or cook or shop for herself or more acutely annoying, had a very short list of vegetables she would eat - think broccoli and, um, nope, that was it... Later the poor love developed a full blown eating disorder which added a whole new level of stress, anxiety and sadness for her (and for us). Lastly other DD has an utterly chaotic relationship with food - will generally eat anything but may or may not turn up for meals or decide to have a KFC on the way home meaning she's not hungry on arrival.
So towards the end of the teenage years I'd be planning a mainly vegetarian menu (for DD1) with a meat/fish based component (for DD2) which was super high fibre (for DH) and could be presented in a way which one DD would find non threatening but still tempting enough to eat whilst the other DD, whose tastes were completely different, felt catered for too. All this whilst simultaneously having to give the impression that I didn't mind at all if no-one ate any of it.
I'm overweight too OP and sometimes the very worst of it was that feeling that you' ve spent all day surrounded by food, worrying about food and providing food when all you want to do is get away from the bloody stuff.

It does get better. Honest.

3 different meals here always. DH cooks his, I cook mine and one of us makes sure DD is fed.

My partner is only marginally better. if I put too much on his plate he can’t eat a thing. Anything goes wrong at work - won’t eat his dinner.

Fussy kids are one thing but what the hell is this about? I'd be leaving him to make his own meals.

Yeah. I have a horse like this and it's bad enough 😆

I work about 60 hours a week, DH slightly less. I’m away for 3 days on average per week, either day trips or overnight stays. We manage. Nobody is eating at 6pm though.

My food takes about 20 mins and is often done after I get home from the gym at about 9:30/10pm. Sometimes I cook double and take the leftovers for lunch the next day.

DH’s food takes between 30-45 mins on average. He works out early in the morning so can do his evening meal whenever he likes.

DD has various activities in the week, some
of which don’t finish till 8:30/9pm so she might have a snack beforehand and then something simple or some porridge when she gets home.

If we can make it work…….

Not far off 20 years married and DH has never expected me to cook his food.

Just be thankful you have enough food to moan about. Literally first world issue. 😊

My dad's favourite saying, you get what you're given and like it.
He was born before there was a welfare state and NHS so he and his many siblings were grateful for the meagre amount of food they got.

Does your mum live with you? If not, why are you trying to feed her? she clearly doesn’t like food.

for dh - if it’s quantity that’s the issue, can you stop plating up? Put food in serving bowls in the middle of the table. Put a small amount of each on the dcs plate, dh serves himself. They eat or they go hungry, there are no other options provided . (That’s the bit to be hard on).

Yes! The list of likes and dislikes, but the worst is when the things they've suddenly decided they will no longer eat and now actively dislike.

Stop pandering.