Is anyone else just drowning in the food demands of faddy/fussy friends and family members?

[RudsyFarmer]

I don’t think I’ve ever known it as difficult as it is right now to try and feed people. I’ve just had the most painful ten minutes trying to find food to feed my mother. Everything from onions, potatoes, beef, lamb, turmeric!!!!!!…. is off the table. In one conversation 90% of common food stuffs was a no.

My partner is only marginally better. if I put too much on his plate he can’t eat a thing. Anything goes wrong at work - won’t eat his dinner. My youngest child is the same. Generally won’t eat. The school talks to me about their concern regarding him leaving his lunch everyday. Is fussy, pernickity, won’t eat vegetables, doesn’t like spice. Only wants to eat pizza. My older child, the texture has to be right, will eat certain foods, not others. Will act like I’m trying to poison him if I put butter on something. The food is too hot, too cold, too thick, too runny etc etc etc.

I on the other hand will eat anything but am overweight so have to limit my food or else I’m getting bigger and bigger. All I want to do is feed people food and move on. Instead I have to hyper focus on food or else everyone else is just disappearing around me. I feel like a drug addict surrounded by drugs constantly. ITS DOING MY HEAD IN 😡😡

I'd give the kids what they want even if it is beige crap - if they are so picky and are underweight then calories are more important, and although it feels awful and like giving up it would take a lot of conflict away (hopefully!). Kids seem to have a remarkable ability to survive and thrive on a really poor diet, and most of them do manage to expand their palate in their teens (my previously fussy two are definitely better one they're teens).

As for your dh, I can only suggest he finds a way of serving himself, he sounds more infuriating than the kids but I dare say its not his fault either

DD is coeliac and it’s just hard. I’ve always tried to be positive about it, but it is a pain.
Even worse though are the relatives who are gluten or dairy free, and these issues disappear strangely when the pudding menu comes out. Twats.

I would love it if someone cooked for me. I eat just about anything except okra. And I would be grateful, say "thank you" and do the dishes.

PM me for supper invites.😀

It's not that hard to find meals that accommodate everyone, or that can have adapted bits, rather than making lots of different meals.

I can't let this go unchallenged.

Five DCs, each of whom had a bee in their bonnets about different elements of spaghetti bolognese = bowls of plain spaghetti all around.

Nothing kills your love of cooking like a family whose immediate response to the meals you spend time and effort (and money) creating is to say what they don't like about it. It's not tedious to make food that results in moping and whining and complaints and the expectation of special treatment, day after day, 365 days of the year. It's rage inducing.

Funny enough, the DCs all love a huge variety of foods now, and they cook very well for themselves now that they're out on their own, fending for themselves.

I love cooking. I am an adventurous cook. Before the days of recipes online I built a massive file of recipes from newspapers and magazines and recipes I got from friends. I now keep it all online, and Pinterest has been a great source of inspiration too.

Then you need to switch around the allocation of jobs - he needs to be responsible for the meal planning shopping and cooking at least for himself and the DC. I'd tell him that it is now at risk of giving you an eating disorder so you need to withdraw completely from feeding the household. And you cater for no one except yourself.

Are you me? the only thing I don't eat is pistachios

My friend used to be "tomatoes on your sandwich? Butter? Mayo? Salt?"

Now she is "here, food"

I've had the same dilemma over the last few weeks, it's infuriating. We like different foods, DH and I are not too bad, DH will eat mostly anything, but the DCs are complete opposites with some of their likes. Even a takeaway turns into a huge debate.

I love pistachios. Together, we could be a force for goodd.

Unless you've omitted the details, both your DM and your DH have hands, so can cook for themselves. I would cook food I like and let them sort themselves out.

The only people apart from myself whose food intake I worry about is my (young) children.

Adults can sort themselves out if they're not happy. Being cooked for is a privilege. Not my problem if you don't like it - just politely leave it.

It's abusive to insist people 'like' what they're given. Those born under rationing had awful food experiences, it is not a time to repeat.

Totally agree with this and I don’t get why everyone should like and eat the same thing, just because they have siblings. I would rather give them what they like and it’s not hard to make simple adjustments eg if one doesn’t like potatoes they get pasta instead of mash with their fish.

I sympathise with your mother. I used to be able to eat everything but as I’m getting older have found there are many foods my digestion just won’t tolerate any more including onions, garlic, dairy and (sob) coffee. If I eat any of these and many other foods I suffer for a couple of days after. Our digestion becomes less efficient as we get older and I find sticking to a low FODMAP diet helps greatly.

So while I also sympathise with you as the whole scenario seems a pain for you, I’m sure your mother would love to be able to eat any food you put in front of her.

With your mother and DP I'd stop cooking for them. See how they like that.
With your DCs I'd have a look to see if my local community health services offer a fussy eaters group run by dietitians. If your DP is their father perhaps he should attend too.

Does your dp do any cooking op? Why do you do all of it?

This would drive me nuts as well. My kids do a version of it but at least DH isn't fussy.

I have a DP like you. If I go to buy a sandwich or something each for us for lunch, I know I can choose anything i think looks interesting for him, however outlandish. Once, I made him a peanut butter, chocolate spread and cream cheese sandwich out of the otherwise-useless scrapings of the respective three containers, and he claimed it was delicious.

He does all the cooking and is very accommodating of my need for a gluten-free, low-sugar diet, and of my many and varied dislikes (most of which I can and will power through if politeness demands, but which I prefer to avoid at home). I must be very lucky.

It does also mean he gets extra olives on his pizza, TBF.

I will cater for allergies, cultural issues, vegetarians/vegans, health issues and normal dislikes, but admit to losing patience with just fussiness.

Fortunately, I don't have visitors who are just plain fussy. The only really fussy eater I know is SIL, and she never visits anyway.

Honestly, I'd stop making food for dh and your mum - they are grown arse adults and can sort themselves out. It's taking the piss that they are making their fussiness your problem to solve!

Kids are different, but I. Your shoes I'd come up with 4 meals that they both eat or that can be easily adapted and make them on rotation. Doesn't matter if they are boring or repetitive. So long as the meals aren't ultra processed beige food, the kids will be fine.

I used to pander to all this shit - spent hours chopping up colourful veg for lunchboxes only for it to end up in the bin. I dread to think how much food my family has wasted over the years. My mum said to give them a glass of milk and some nuts and they'll be fine. She was right.
Obviously I wouldn't go that basic but you need to free yourself from the tyranny of cooking!

Meant to add that kids don't need fully cooked meals all the time. Dd will eat chopped veg, cold meat and dip sometimes and that just as good as a hot meal in nutritional value

Some harsh replies on here...
I hear you OP - I don't think you're pandering to fussy eaters, I think you're dealing with several complex situations relating to food.
With ASD (I'm not really familiar with ARFID) texture and consistency of food can be a huge issue.
My philosophy is not to battle over food and to offer kids struggling with food something safe and familiar to eat so they don't go hungry.
When our kids were younger we had one who would eat anything, one who only liked beige foods and one vegetable.and one fruit and a vegetarian who would eat a good range of things but nothing in a sauce or mixed up.
I would usually make one meal but with enough pick n mix options for everyone. Tacos for example - so you have tacos/wraps, salad, cheese, salsa, meat option plus something like Quorn nuggets. Beige eater and veggie would have Quorn, some salad, maybe cheese and wraps.
Meal planning might help you - it will give the anxious around food comfort to know what's coming. They could help pick what they would like for example. Then offer food on dishes on the table, or get people to come to the kitchen and take what they want so they're getting a meal they are happy with.
I have no qualms about bunging some oven chips and fish fingers in the oven alongside something like a curry or lasagne. Putting stuff in the oven alongside something cooked from scratch is fine if it means everyone eats.
Our beige eater eventually grew out of it and my vegetarian dry food eater is now eating some meat and trying out food with sauces. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

This is a really good point. I try and tick off protein, carb and veg per meal but not stress about what that actually looks like.

I had never heard of ARFID until I started using mumsnet. Those of you struggling with it - what help is available to help overcome it?
Is it mainly a texture thing?

When I had my 3 DC I was one of those massively annoying mums who said I wasn’t running a cafe and my children could either eat what I made or have porridge / bread and butter. I’ve been incredibly lucky and in hindsight I don’t think it’s got anything to do with my wanky parenting statement above.

My 3 eat pretty much everything BUT we’re veggie so for some we are fussy. My youngest is ND and was very very limited as to what he’d eat up until the age of 5 when I don’t know what happened but something changed and he now eats brilliantly.

My friend’s third son has ARFID: it’s desperate. He literally eats about 3 safe foods and that’s that. He’s currently being worked up for a gastrostomy tube. It’s terrifying. Her other 2 have zero food issues.

I also agree with a pp who said that children should be allowed likes and dislikes - adults are! 💐 though for all of you struggling with picky eaters / restrictive diets. It must be exhausting.

For those saying it’s easy to adapt meals so people can have different bits - not necessarily! Depends if people can eat the same herbs and seasonings. The compromise is I end up eating food so plain and boring I want to cry.

I get no additional help really.

I’ve got weight gaining/maintaining milkshakes on prescription and that has helped massively. For the first time, I’m actually a healthy weight instead of seriously underweight.