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Original poster

Fed up with DH wasting money.

32 replies

AsWeWereish · 14/03/2023 22:13

I've NC for this. Firstly, this is NOT a stealth boast.

I am absolutely sick of DH wasting money. He appears to have no concept about the increased cost of living, or if he does, he doesn't care. Examples:

Leaving all the doors open all round the house so no part of it ever gets properly warm. His response is to turn the heating up - just close the doors FFS! We live in a draughty period property - it's never going to be completely warm all at once.

Having every radiator in the house blasting out heat - even in rooms that don't get used for days at a time. If I turn them off they are back on within hours.

Over cooking so that we have enough food for six people at least (only two of us and a baby here). And it's not stuff that will keep easily so it all gets thrown away.

Not doing proper supermarket shops, he prefers to wander in a few times a week and spend £50 a time.

Not making sure he actually eats what's in the fridge before it expires, so again so much food goes to waste.

Upgrading his very expensive sports equipment when what he has is perfectly fine (being a bit cautious here in case it's outing).

Never buying just one of anything - always two minimum. Which is fine when it's washing up liquid, not so fine when it's bikes or paddle boards.

I'm sick of it! He does work very hard and earn a lot of money and all this stuff can be afforded, but at the cost of not saving. We have no rainy day fund at all. He thinks this is fine because of the salary going into his bank account every month - but what happens if he suddenly can't work for whatever reason? What happens if the mortgage doesn't get paid? I'm not working atm because our son is only four months old so I am completely financially reliant on him.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall and I have no clue how to make him see sense! I'd appreciate any advice!

OP posts:

Lostmummy5 · 14/03/2023 22:35

Sounds like my ex husband.
He had no bloody idea how much he was spending on daily basis for shit like - energy drinks, coffee from Costa, chocolate bars, sandwiches from "lunch deal", etc. I'm not talking about smoking, his hobby or other stuff. It was hundreds of pounds every month. Until we were not able to save even spare £1 in the end of the month and I had to be overdraft in my account to pay the bills.
I tried to speak with him, I tried to manage our expenses, I tried to prepare his lunch, snacks, etc.
This is one of the reasons we are divorced. I'll never understand this kind of stupid spending while partner is on maternity leave. I felt sooo insecure every day...

coodawoodashooda · 14/03/2023 22:36

Lostmummy5 · 14/03/2023 22:35

Similar here op. Sorry.

bonzaitree · 14/03/2023 22:38

Has he always been like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General money

IWinMN · 14/03/2023 23:42

He's working hard to support his family, and deserves to be able to spend his money how he chooses.

Sshiamreading · 14/03/2023 23:46

IWinMN · 14/03/2023 23:42

He's working hard to support his family, and deserves to be able to spend his money how he chooses.

They’re married so surely it’s their (joint) money? And it’s his wife working hard at home raising their baby which enables him to go out and make that money.

Onnabugeisha · 14/03/2023 23:56

I agree with you on the food waste and buying expensive equipment prematurely. Can you get kitchen scales and sort of figure out together how many grams of pasta/rice = one nights dinner. The same with going through recipes and adjusting them downwards so he cooks less food. We also organise our fridge so the longest lasting stuff is in the back. We menu plan and when the groceries are delivered we often swap dinners to different days depending on expiration dates.

However, I disagree with you on the doors, heat and radiators as you are in a period property- I am presuming you mean 150yrs or older. Closing off rooms and turning off the radiators is a recipe for damp and mould to develop. A period property needs constant ventilation and at least 15C to prevent damp and mould.

SarahDippity · 14/03/2023 23:57

have you each got pensions? Any savings accounts? My brother gave me advice years ago which I took years to action, which is to pay yourself first. Savings go out as soon as I get paid. One account for holidays, one account for household which includes car tax and insurance and utilities, etc, and what’s left is then for paying groceries, clothes, hobbies. No overdraft, one credit card. I’m at the expensive years now (teens, orthodontics, school trips) and it’s a struggle some months, but I have back-up funds set aside for emergencies. It’s not a stealth boast at all to be worried about financial security. Have a look at saving options, print off some forms, and present him with a plan. Will you return to work, pay nursery fees, be able to save for holidays?

AfraidToRun · 15/03/2023 00:01

if he's anything like my ex tell him you don't think he could live off £x a week. The ego will kick in soon enough...

coodawoodashooda · 15/03/2023 07:11

AfraidToRun · 15/03/2023 00:01

if he's anything like my ex tell him you don't think he could live off £x a week. The ego will kick in soon enough...

Or not. My xh pisses away thousands and thousands of pounds each year.

coodawoodashooda · 15/03/2023 07:11

Or not. My xh pisses away thousands and thousands of pounds each year.

Show quote history

Why buy one when you can buy 4 and waste 3?

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 07:16

Exh did similar so I started taking the same amount from The Pot.. Then he noticed.
Eventually split when he just got sneaky and lied about wages to keep his spending secret..
I divorced him.

Aftjbtibg · 15/03/2023 07:18

Get him to transfer some money into a savings account at the beginning of each month so that he can then see there is less money to cover everything

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 15/03/2023 07:27

That he spends and spends and has no savings because he thinks he’ll be fine with his salary each month, shows how very, very foolish he is.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 15/03/2023 07:28

IWinMN · 14/03/2023 23:42

He's working hard to support his family, and deserves to be able to spend his money how he chooses.

Yes, I get he works hard. But if for some reason he CAN'T work - how will he support his family then, with no savings?

timeforchampagne · 15/03/2023 07:32

Split the money into equal spending pots for both of you:

you can then do what you’d like with yours.
if this isn’t a new thing you need to consider what your long term plan is

Harrysutton · 15/03/2023 07:40

When you go back to work save as much as possible in your own account.

My husband is a spender and only recently have I managed to get him to start saving. He has a huge pension so I let it go for many years. In his defence my DH spends on the family. Holidays, days out etc and o can see (as can he) that he wants to provide his dc the things he missed out on as a child.

Whyishewearingasombero · 15/03/2023 08:45

Are you me? (Apart from the sports equipment!) Lights left on all over the house, heating roaring. Instead of ordering a log delivery, buys expensive nets at the village shop.

Drives me insane. I'm more cautious and I often put off buying things for myself, even though we can afford it. Then he'll just come home with some undiscussed impulse purchase and I wonder why I've bothered. To be fair, he doesn't buy as much actual stuff as he used to, but our food bill is ridiculous.

He's eating three cooked meals a day, cooks for 6 when there's only 2 of us. He then snacks on left over portions whilst he's cooking the next days enormous dinner. Turns his nose up at making a lasagne etc last more than one day. He enjoys cooking but it's a very expensive hobby these days, as a leisure activity.

I just feel the waste is immoral. We both work hard and just dont have enough to show for it, we should be able to save but we aren't. He makes me feel like a bit of a fun sponge but I'm terrified of being a poor pensioner. He just lives for today. He feels he works hard, which he does, so he just has what he wants with no concern or guilt. We have had enormous financial problems in the past because we had no back up and he couldnt work, he was self employed. He's now employed but we still have no back up.

I really need to be able to express these feelings and act on them more because by letting things drift and not challenging him, I am allowing his way to to dominate. He will be resentful and irritated but I know I have to step up.

He's always encouraging me to get what I want, never comments on my spending (mine is much more moderate!) and therefore won't feel I have any right to comment on his.

Money just doesn't have any longer term implications or sense of responsibility attached to it. You get it, you spend it and you get some more....

We're 10 years off retirement. He will get a relatively good pension but he won't be able to afford to cook for 6 every night.

Botw1 · 15/03/2023 09:05

When are you going back to work? Hopefully soon

Other than that I doubt there's much you can do, presumably he has always been like this?

Your only option is to take complete control of the finances, shopping and cooking.

Maybe that's what he wants?

TheTeenageYears · 15/03/2023 09:22

I absolutely hate waste and very much grew up in a household with moderation, DH did not. It drives me insane that I work hard to look after the pennies and he can wipe out the gains without a second thought. We could afford to spend more than we do but I don't want to forget what it's like for that not to be the case and not in the position we are now. I don't think it matters how much money you do or don't have, waste is waste and completely unnecessary. What is it that you are cooking that can't be frozen or put in the fridge for another day? There are very few foods that would be the case.

MoltenLasagne · 15/03/2023 09:24

DH is far more of a spend thrift than me and we deal with it by having a joint account everything goes into, then taking equal "pocket money".

When we get paid we have a finances meeting to discuss what we want to spend on each category this month e.g. groceries v takeout v fun money for drinks out etc and we instantly take out the remaining money for savings. We do tend to leave a buffer amount in for unexpected spends (I.e. DH bought something on amazon) If we get close to overspending on a category we discuss which other category we're going to take it from.

Shoxfordian · 15/03/2023 09:28

When do you go back to work op? Sounds like you’re worrying unnecessarily really- he earns enough to do it

EyesOnThePies · 15/03/2023 09:53

The lack of any savings is an issue. For your sense of security and in case of any crisis.

Does the money all go into a joint account? If so can you set up a standing order for a transfer into a savings account for the day his (and when working, your) salary goes into the account?

Where does the child benefit go? Does he register that it’s there, in his slapdash fashion? Save that, and use the joint / household account for all baby related spends.

Lcb123 · 15/03/2023 09:55

The food waste would drive me insane - hate it so much. Have you got a budget written down with your income and all outgoings? Might help him visualise how much stuff costs, and how much you could save. It’s so important to have emergency fund, what if he couldn’t work

TheYearOfSmallThings · 15/03/2023 10:01

The food waste and pointless overbuying would annoy me.

But I spent my childhood doing the whole minimal heating, close doors, turn radiators down, turn heat off in as many rooms as possible thing ... and I'm not going back to that unless I'm actually broke. I want to be able to walk freely around a house which is heated to an acceptable temperature.

PuttingDownRoots · 15/03/2023 10:01

Have you got a smart meter so he can see the cost of gas?

Food... supermarket delivery, and portion when it arrives (so if you get 4 chicken breasts, freeze 2 straight away)
Individual luxury spend accounts so you can't moan at each other. Plus separate for baby stuff.

Does he realise what childcare is going to cost?

What about saving for a holiday, or home improvements?

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