Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Is there a soft way of saying I want to be alone?

27 replies

Shewasrightaboutthat · 14/03/2023 18:09

I know, this is MN, and everyone will probably say ‘just say you want to be alone.’

But I want a weekend ‘off.’ I desperately want to sleep in a hotel, not wake up to shouting/crying, have a proper lie in and wander round some shops. ALONE!

If I say to Dh that this is what I want, he wants to come too, which means DS(2)
comes too, which negates the point!

Help!?

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 14/03/2023 18:11
Flowers

Do you have a friend you could organise a weekend away with? Maybe one who'd similarly like to do their own thing (or even not actually show up)?

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 18:12

No you just need to say it.

Or get a babysitter

WinterDeWinter · 14/03/2023 18:13

I'm not going to say 'just say it' - but I do think it's worth thinking about why you won't. Will he sulk? Do you tiptoe around his delicate feelings a lot? Will the whole thing be spoiled by the aggro you've had to go through to get there? These are questions worth asking about your relationship, they really are.

Corcomroe · 14/03/2023 18:14

But why can’t you say that? I have just said to DH twice in the last couple of months, I just needed total solitude, away from him and DS, and just went.

Corcomroe · 14/03/2023 18:15

WinterDeWinter · 14/03/2023 18:13

I'm not going to say 'just say it' - but I do think it's worth thinking about why you won't. Will he sulk? Do you tiptoe around his delicate feelings a lot? Will the whole thing be spoiled by the aggro you've had to go through to get there? These are questions worth asking about your relationship, they really are.

Yes, good questions.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/03/2023 18:15

Just say it - at the end of the day if you need a break you’re entitled to one.

Sometimes I need one too, and I just have to say ‘I need a break’ - which is fine.

Paturday · 14/03/2023 18:15

I don’t think you need to say it any differently - he needs to respond differently.

Book a hotel and tell DH it’s a done deal. It is perfectly doable and so it should be.

BoredBetsy · 14/03/2023 18:15

Just explain how overwhelmed you feel and you need a break so you can reset a bit and relax.

Original poster
Shewasrightaboutthat · 14/03/2023 18:17

He wouldn’t sulk at all but he’d be hurt, I think … it’s so hard to explain. I promise I’m not married to an abusive man. But I don’t think he understands my need for solitude either.

OP posts:
WelshNerd · 14/03/2023 18:19

Yes I'd love to go away as a family as well. You book the family break and I'll sort my night away.

Isheabastard · 14/03/2023 18:28

Is there anything you can think of that you would like to do (and he would hate) that would mean booking a night or two away.

You don’t even have to do the thing. Go wedding dress hunting with a far flung friend?

Or dress it up as reciprocal away time. He has the freedom to do something you would hate and vice versa.

Botw1 · 14/03/2023 18:30

Do you not get any time alone without him sulking?

Ozgirl75 · 14/03/2023 18:35

It’s totally reasonable for you to want some time to yourself and it’s rather unreasonable for him to be “hurt” by your totally normal request.
Just say “I love you and family life but I also need a couple of days to recharge, lie in, wake up when I want, look round shops without having to think of anyone else. Let’s figure out a good weekend for me to do that, and of course if you want to do the same, let’s do that too”
Don’t let his “hurt” feelings stop you from doing something totally reasonable.

Corcomroe · 14/03/2023 18:37

Shewasrightaboutthat · 14/03/2023 18:17

He wouldn’t sulk at all but he’d be hurt, I think … it’s so hard to explain. I promise I’m not married to an abusive man. But I don’t think he understands my need for solitude either.

He doesn’t need to understand it, though. He just needs to listen when you say you need something which is minor, understandable and achievable. I adore DS and DH, but I love solitude.

declutteringmymind · 14/03/2023 18:38

Just ask for some money towards it for your birthday and do it.

Or is there anyone distant that you'd like to meet up with? You could travel and stay overnight, meet them for afternoon tea and have the rest of the time off.

Or at least book some midweek childcare for a day to yourself?

DuvetDownn · 14/03/2023 18:41

Just say you need some time for yourself and would like a night in a spa hotel (even you don’t like spas).

Suetcrust · 14/03/2023 18:43

Most considerate blokes would “understand” a Spa day or weekend break. If you have a quiet non demanding friend you could go with, he’d surely not be hurt by that? He’d just see it as a girly weekend away, surely? Lots of us do that with daughters & friends.
I really hope you do find a way to get away. I too need solitude & headspace big time and so appreciate being on my own. It’s good for mental health.
Let us know how you get on and what you decide to do.

dontgobaconmyheart · 14/03/2023 18:50

I don't think it makes him 'abusive' but that doesn't mean it isn't codependent and it's clearly not something you find healthy or you'd be going away doing what you'd want to do.

Really if it were me I just (and have) gone up to my partner and said ' I'm wanting to book myself a couple of days away, can we look at dates so I can book something, thanks". It wouldn't occur to me that this would be an emotional issue for him and wouldn't appreciate him making it one. I can imagine it feels very trapping to have to consider ways to appease someone or run round the houses with white lies just to do something very normal that most people would need at some point.

Catsstillrock · 14/03/2023 19:04

@Shewasrightaboutthat how old is / are your DC?

early on my DH understood less about my need for alone time. Maybe as he got plenty at work. Family time was fun for him as I did most of the baby care.

as the kid have got older and he has them alone himself he understands more.

now I’d just say it. after the pandemic I asked him to take the kids away for a weekend as I specifically needed time home alone for a few days, and he did.

And that’s and option and when he says, ‘great, I’ll come’ you say ‘no I need to go by myself’ on repeat until he accepts it.

but you could also fudge it. Weekend with a ‘friend’ or a yoga weekend and then book what you actually want to do.

i still sometimes use ‘work commitments’ to carve out some downtime to go to the gym or shopping or to the cinema. DH is a workaholic so values the idea of me working much more than supporting me resting, and that can be a simple way to get a few hours off.

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 14/03/2023 19:07

My DH actually suggested it when our first was two. They’d both had measles and I was run ragged.

It was fantastic - 36 hours to myself, I felt like a new woman.

TomatoSandwiches · 14/03/2023 19:16

You should be able to just say that though.
I honestly can't think of any soft way, actually I'd be quite annoyed at having to tip toe around a reasonable request because my husband would be like this.

Mammyloveswine · 14/03/2023 19:52

I am doing this in the summer holidays!!! DH works all holidays as I'm a teacher so I get zero time off!!

I can't wait!!

LlynTegid · 14/03/2023 20:04

There are times when it is appropriate to be blunt.

Titsywoo · 15/03/2023 16:49

Just say it! Once a year I go away by myself for a weekend. I told DH this is just something I need and he doesn't question it. I do what I like and go where I want for 48 hours and it is bliss.

Titsywoo · 15/03/2023 16:52

Maybe also suggest you and your DH have a separate night/weekend away? If you have someone to look after your DS that is?

Swipe left for the next trending thread