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Original poster

My son doesn’t have one single friend **trigger warning suicide mentioned **

39 replies

sickofthisbollocks · 13/03/2023 20:51

He is 17 about to turn 18. He is autistic, goes to
mainstream college.

He doesn’t have a single friend and it absolutely breaks my heart. He has tried joining clubs, he just never seems to gel with anyone or gets forgotten about very quickly.

He wants to go to university but I’m worried about him being even more isolated if he doesn’t find it easy.

I honestly believe my son will eventually take his own life he has said on numerous occasions what’s the point of being alive no one likes him.

He has had therapy, he is on anti-depressants, I don’t know how else I can help him. I’m basically his only friend. His siblings of course they care for him it’s not the same.

OP posts:
crumpet · 13/03/2023 20:56

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is so hard to know how best to help them. Mine has quite enjoyed climbing, and last year did the NCS which he enjoyed - I am hoping he will do outward bound or similar this year. Also that he will get a job/ do some volunteering, to at least spend some time doing something different outside the house (but which doesn’t have the pressure of friendships)

Elieza · 13/03/2023 20:57

Has he been to any autistic events/groups etc?

Being around others the same may help them connect?

Tickledtrout · 13/03/2023 20:58

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and for him.
Would he try something like spectrum gaming. I know he's at the older end but he might make a connection
www.spectrumgaming.net/

Lostmarblesfinder · 13/03/2023 21:01

I am a university lecturer. University is a much better place for many autistic people to find their tribe. We have computing courses (games design specifically) where the majority of the students are autistic and they hang out together gaming during the college day. It is very tough for autistic teens but other autistic peers really does help.

Quitelikeit · 13/03/2023 21:02

There are many online communities where he could connect with others

Why not ask his college for advice they might run a club? Or ask your son if he wants to invite anybody round for tea?

what are his interests?

Grimbelina · 13/03/2023 21:05

I think he will very probably find a 'tribe' at university but it would be very good to encourage him to seek out neurodiverse groups to join, either in person, or probably easier, online now. Has he shared his diagnosis with the university he wants to go to? Lots of support can be put in place around him if he does.

DustyMaiden · 13/03/2023 21:05

my DS is at uni, he has a lot of friends, I was worried but the amount of autistic people there is very high and it seems a lot more inclusive.

Original poster
sickofthisbollocks · 13/03/2023 21:05

He is very much into anime/manga/gaming.

Enjoyed going to comic con type events when he was younger. Now wants to go but doesn’t want to go with his mum not suprsingly.

its the being at college alone thing. He texts me quite a lot through the day and says it’s so people think he has friends.

OP posts:
Badbudgeter · 13/03/2023 21:08

It’s really hard my DS is a bit younger. We’ve encouraged him to do hobbies that you do alongside people rather than with them. Kayaking, bouldering, paddle boarding, sailing, mountain biking are all quite good and means you can hang out on the periphery even if no one is your “friend”.

Original poster
sickofthisbollocks · 13/03/2023 21:08

Grimbelina · 13/03/2023 21:05

I think he will very probably find a 'tribe' at university but it would be very good to encourage him to seek out neurodiverse groups to join, either in person, or probably easier, online now. Has he shared his diagnosis with the university he wants to go to? Lots of support can be put in place around him if he does.

Yes he has put it in his form and he has applied for DSA.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 13/03/2023 21:08

you could look on FB in your area for autism support groups

or adults with autism groups as anime is definitely popular amongst people on the spectrum

There are people out there it’s just a case of finding them

Quitelikeit · 13/03/2023 21:09

And also talk to the uni as they must have supports in place for people in situations where they may be isolated etc

Choconut · 13/03/2023 21:11

I think the trick is to do things but not to be looking for friends, I think it can give off an air of desperation that people find off putting. So get him to keep going to clubs and things he likes - but just to enjoy them. If he meets someone he gels with and makes a friend then that's just a bonus. I find if you go to these things long enough people juts get to know you because you're always there! That's how it was for me with baby and toddler groups anyway. Get him to go to the comic con thing, there will be other people there alone, I know because my OH used to go alone! He doesn't have to talk to anyone or try to make friends, jsut enjoy the event!

I also agree to going to anything where he might mix with other ND people (doesn't have to be other people with autism) I often find the ND people can have more of an affinity with each other. DS has ASD and often seems to get on well with other ND kids.

Tell him it's definitely not that no one likes him, he just hasn't found the right people yet. Also remind him that he's got you and you think he's bloody fantastic! You need to stay strong and be his cheerleader, he's lucky to have such a great mum, he's a great kid and this isn't all a disaster! I've had so many stages where I haven't had any friends, sometimes for years, then I'll have a really good friend for several years, they move away and I don't have anyone again, then I find a couple of friends and so on. Tell him that finding friends isn't always easy and that goes for a lot of people, he's not alone even if he feels like he is!

I would say get him to go to a university that isn't too far away from home, that way if he is struggling a little then he can always come home at weekends. That's what I intend for DS to do too.

tootiredtospeak · 13/03/2023 21:18

My son is autistic and is 21 and doesn't have a single friend either but he isnt unhappy as he keeps himself very busy. He works and has work colleagues who he sees regularly and has the odd conversation with. He has 2 hobbies once which he does alone but he enjoys it and the solitary practice and another that he does with a load of old aged pensioners but again loves it. If he has a purpose and feels fulfilled by something it doesn't have to be friendship.

tootiredtospeak · 13/03/2023 21:19

Mainstream college was the worst for my son after managing a mainstream secondary we actually changed him to a SEN college

Gruffling · 13/03/2023 21:20

I read the title of the thread and thought autism. I'm so sorry for your son, that is such a difficult stage of life for autistic kids. Like other posters have said, I think university will be different and potentially much better - especially if he studies something computing related where he is likely to meet like minded people.

Grimbelina · 13/03/2023 21:33

"I would say get him to go to a university that isn't too far away from home, that way if he is struggling a little then he can always come home at weekends."

Good advice too. Once he knows where he is going he could perhaps connect online with other ND current or new students so he can see that there is possible new world of friendships out there. Keep reassuring him that some people make friends later on. I am one of those, very probably ASD (although I only recently realised after one of my DC were diagnosed), and made lots of/all of my friends at university.

Novatherova · 13/03/2023 21:45

Does he work?

Original poster
sickofthisbollocks · 13/03/2023 21:50

Not at the moment, he did but gave up in the run up to A Levels was getting a bit overwhelming.

OP posts:
VeryInteresting12 · 13/03/2023 21:54

Please please help him pick the right uni
My son was similar and went to one uni where he didn’t fit in and was bullied and very nearly harmed himself, like in your title.
It was terrible. The other students in his block were terrible and just didn’t get him at all and it got very hostile and unpleasant for him.

And he came home and we looked after him and he picked himself up again and picked another uni.
He was very open with the new uni and they run a face to face event prior to term starting. He reluctantly went and found a friend.
They looked after each other through the first few weeks at uni and are now both happily doing their desperate things.
My son has activities every evening- video games club, board games, poker etc and is really settled.
he loves the course too.

Fingers crossed for your son xxx

VeryInteresting12 · 13/03/2023 21:55

The second uni is Bath.
They are very clued in as far as we can see.

LampsWantLove · 13/03/2023 22:08

Are there no local anime/manga/gaming meet ups locally? Ds2 is heavily into DnD and luckily both school and sixth form ran a games club, he is year 12. There are also quirky book shops that cater toward this subject in our city, the whole shop is Dnd, Anime, all the games etc and they have meet ups but Ds is too young at the minute. We also have another book shop that has a cafe where people play board games, again geared toward anime, Magic the Gathering, etc. Start googling to see what is in your area. We had no idea there were there, Ds was struggling to find an anime book in English that was part of a series he was reading and we managed to stumble across that online.

It can take time to find your tribe. Secondary everyone is just trying to fit in rather than stand out, sixth form gets a bit better but uni can be a great place with the clubs and societies.

rainbowlou · 13/03/2023 22:13

Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this, your post put a lump in my throat.
I am going through similar with my 14 year old, he doesn’t see any point in life, and spends all his breaks/lunch times sitting alone in the library.
He is on the waiting list for camhs.
I don’t have any helpful words of advice but please feel free to message me if you want to chat or just offload to someone that can relate 💐

PiggieMcPig · 13/03/2023 22:18

Lostmarblesfinder · 13/03/2023 21:01

I am a university lecturer. University is a much better place for many autistic people to find their tribe. We have computing courses (games design specifically) where the majority of the students are autistic and they hang out together gaming during the college day. It is very tough for autistic teens but other autistic peers really does help.

Would you consider this to be the case on other computer science degrees?

FurAndFeathers · 13/03/2023 22:18

Secondary school and college are just grim - so tribal and cut throat. Teens are like Wolf packs 🙁

life does get better as a young adult - universities often cater for less mainstream interest groups, work provides social contact. He just needs to get through the next year or do.

mare there any meet up groups in your area that cater for gamers @sickofthisbollocks there’s usually a mix of ages and he might find adults more welcoming, rambling/hiking and bouldering are also good for this if he’s active.
another hobby he could try would be campanology - there’s the ring for the king movement and that would give him an excuse to sign up to any local recruitment events

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