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Original poster

Asking a man to marry you.

76 replies

mumontheskoolrun · 13/03/2023 08:42

Would you ask a man to marry you?

Obviously not just any man, I mean your boyfriend or partner, but would you?

My DH always said it's the man's job to ask and he always wanted to ask me and that if id have asked him, he would have said no.

He did ask, 9 years ago and we have been married for nearly 8 years, 2 DC since but I'm just intrigued what others think?

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 13/03/2023 09:33

God no. Never

MissyB1 · 13/03/2023 09:36

GandhiDeclaredWarOnYou · 13/03/2023 09:19

Your DH is a dinosaur. WTF would it matter who asked whom?

We talked about, decided it made sense for a couple of practical reasons so we did it. You know, like healthy people discussing plans, not Insta-worthy performances.

This. Normal intelligent adults just decide together to get married without a big drama / fuss about who thought of it first!

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 13/03/2023 09:42

Sarahcoggles · 13/03/2023 08:55

What a strange relationship, do you actually like him, or is he just a bit strange and keeps proposing when you're clearly not interested?!

Show quote history

I don’t think it’s strange not to want to get married, I don’t and I’m not alone.

I don’t think it’s strange to want to get married, he does and he’s not alone.

Whenever we had conversations about the future, he would impress on me how much he’d like to be married to me, and I would say no, I don’t want to be married, to anyone. So we continued planning our future around it. First time he expressed he’d like to marry me, we were teenagers, so it was ridiculous. Another chat about it when we moved in together. Another when we decided to buy a house, another chat about it in the actual mortgage advisors office, he suggested again when we decided we’d like a baby, and it entered the conversation yet again, when we were deciding on DCs last name. We were forced into the same chat when we made wills as they would need to be changed if we married. Can’t you see how the idea of getting married can bring its way into a conversation regularly over the years? Again when we had more DC, again as we plan retirement, again as we nominate death in service benefits. Again as we talk about inheritance taxes. Each time I explain I don’t want to be married, each time he explains that he does. But you can’t get half-married.

Of course I like him, we have been together nearly 25 years with 3DC, and our relationship is very strong.

Alarae · 13/03/2023 09:46

I planned proposing to him, but he pipped me to the post by a week! Still went ahead with my proposal idea though, as I thought if he can make a special moment for me I wanted to do the same for him!

Even bought him an engagement ring- equality and all that Wink

Shlomping1234 · 13/03/2023 09:56

I did, it was a leap year. I think it was more of an act of desperation. It was quite a controlling and emotionally abusive relationship. Things were rocky and we weren't getting on. I had 2 small children was struggling with my mental health and I was desperate for him to love me like I loved him. He accepted but on the condition I pay for the wedding. Little did I know he was having an affair and with the support of my family, I left about a year later.
Looking back I should never have asked him and always feel quite pathetic that I was desperate for his love when he'd shown me over the years how little he thought of me.

Survey99 · 13/03/2023 10:13

Hopefully, in these days of equality, two adults who are at the stage of considering marriage have had the grown up discussions about what marriage means to them that are needed well in advance of any announcement of an engagement to actually marry in the next year or two.

A proposal is an very outdated and unnecessary tradition. Usually portraying a passive women waiting to be asked/taken off the shelf, or the other way around is just as bad with the try too hard woman trying to prove otherwise. Why anyone still does it is beyond me.

MrNorrell · 13/03/2023 10:17

I think an actual discussion about whether the two of you want to get married is a far better idea than an out of the blue proposal. But whichever you do, I think it's ridiculous to say that its the man's right/job/responsibility to propose.

I have an old school friend who's been waiting for a proposal from her boyfriend for several years now . She's never told him she wants to get married and they haven't discussed children or buying a house or anything else that might kickstart a conversation about marriage. Her reasoning seems to be that "If he really loves me he'd ask me."

I mean, she's spent so long silently pining and agonising over it that she seems under the impression that she's put a lot of work into getting married and he's letting the side down, whereas she's actually done the same as him- sweet FA.

IncompleteSenten · 13/03/2023 10:20

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 13/03/2023 09:17

Of course not. It is the man’s job and I do feel any woman who asks has little self respect.

Why is it the man's job?

TheBerry · 13/03/2023 10:20

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 13/03/2023 08:48

Yes, I’d prefer it that way. Not in a big ‘proposal’ type way of course, in a general chat instigated by me. And considering I’ve turned down his offer of marriage over a dozen times it would need to come from me now as he’d never bring it up again.

He would never have attempted a proposal (ring, knee, question, etc) in the early days of our relationship as I would have left him.

You sure you wanna be with this fella? 😅

Schmutter · 13/03/2023 10:23

If my husband hadn’t asked me to marry him, I’d never have asked him.

I applaud any woman that proposes, good for them. But it wouldn’t be for me. It’s that last bastion of traditional romance.

meganorks · 13/03/2023 10:24

Well I want to disagree with your husband. But then I didn't propose to my OH but had let it be known I wanted to get married so...
I was never bothered about getting married and assumed I wouldn't. But once we had kids I changed my mind, so I guess I kind of needed to make sure he knew that. But I had no intention of proposing to him, so I guess I agree with the traditional man does it.

neverendinglauaundry · 13/03/2023 10:39

I 'proposed' to my DH. Not in a romantic sort of way, but it just occurred to me that we should get married so I suggested it. We got married 5 months later and are still going strong 20 years later. It absolutely didn't occur to me to wait, either to build it up to a more romantic proposal from me or for him to say it.

I was always more about the marriage than the wedding though (eg. Not particularly bothered about it being expensive, just do the legal bit and have a knees up)

neverendinglauaundry · 13/03/2023 10:42

Just reading people shitting on the men who are a bit tardy with their proposals and would like to stick up for DH as we were 25 at the time & he apparently did have a proposal plan which I ruined by impetuously blurting out my proposal.

WeWereInParis · 13/03/2023 10:43

IncompleteSenten · 13/03/2023 09:03

No. I prefer a discussion about how we feel and how we see the future and decide together if we want to get married.
That's what we did. It was our silver wedding anniversary last week. I never wanted The Proposal. It's a huge decision and something you plan together rather than something the man springs on you when he feels like it.

Nobody gets down on one knee and says "will you be impregnated by me?" Marriage is no different imo. Discussion not proposal.

I know some people have the discussion and agree to marry then do the whole on one knee thing too so they can say they proposed/ were proposed to on top of the Eiffel tower or whatever but that just seems unnecessary to me.

Maybe I'm just not romantic. 🤣

That's what we did as well. Neither of us really asked the other we just decided in the same way we decided to have children, ie a discussion. To be fair, this is how most people I know who have got engaged recently have done it. They maybe followed it up with a more traditional down on one knee proposal (we didn't do this) but in each case the man was in no doubt of the answer as they had already discussed and agreed to get married.

FlemCandango · 13/03/2023 10:53

I asked DH to marry me about 18 years ago. I wrote "marry me" in chocolate on a cake on valentine's day 2005. We married in the same year.

The context was we had a young baby and were planning a second fairly soon. We had bought a flat together 5 years earlier. We were fully committed and I had told DH that I was not interested in marriage. Then I looked at our situation practically and realised how much simpler legally life would be if we married. As due to earlier conversations I knew dh would not propose, I had put him off. I am not fussed about romance. So I thought a sweet simple statement would be appropriate. We married on our son's 1st birthday so it was not about us but about our new family. The next day I found out I was pregnant with our 2nd child.

So this year our marriage will be 18, no regrets and no wishes that DH proposed. It was right for us then and still is.

FinallyHere · 13/03/2023 11:09

My DH always said it's the man's job to ask and he always wanted to ask me and that if id have asked him, he would have said no.

If it suits you to be in a relationship with a man like this, all good.

It would not suit me. I love DH dearly and we have been together and later married for decades.

We just don't have any separation between roles based on sex. We discuss things and agree what we are going to do according to who is best suited or has the time to do things.

Works for us, YMMD

subolooo · 13/03/2023 11:17

I asked my partner to marry me, he said yes and we are planning our wedding for next year. I'd had a ring for months but didnt dare ask him then I thought to hell with it, I want this and he clearly did too as he was also ring shopping on the quiet for me too :)

aineoverseas · 13/03/2023 11:20

I wouldn't, personally. I just goes against my grain but I recognise that a lot of that comes from social conditioning.

Survey99 · 13/03/2023 11:29

IncompleteSenten · 13/03/2023 10:20

Why is it the man's job?

Show quote history

Because man should always appear to his family/friends/work colleagues be in complete control and the women should be passive/grateful. Otherwise known as "traditional romance" 🤣

Seasonofthewitch83 · 13/03/2023 11:39

I literally LOATHE engagements. I hate the concept that the woman is always ready for marriage and has to wait for the man to decide.

Its not romantic, is it?

BreviloquentBastard · 13/03/2023 11:45

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 13/03/2023 09:17

Of course not. It is the man’s job and I do feel any woman who asks has little self respect.

Why?

Do you also adhere to other archaic bullshit? How many camels was your dowry?

Just5MinsMoreSleep · 13/03/2023 11:46

I really wanted to get married, not just because of "getting married" but we had 4 children together and I was sick of getting "Are you mum?" because we had different surnames.
10 years had passed..... I was bored by then, kept telling myself if he was going to do it he would have done it by now!
So one day I changed my name by deed poll to his surname! He was pissed! I didn't care, hated having to watch all our friends get married (even ones who had got together after us)
He finally proposed years after being together and 4 children later. But the moment had gone by then, it was more OH wow...finally you're getting married and not oh my gosh how amazing, you're getting married!!!
Plus the added extras of now having a ton of bridesmaids and flower girls etc as we had all our kids, nieces, nephews, our brothers and sisters....
I would love to have gotten married before kids and enjoyed a honeymoon etc without sorting babysitters and worrying about being away from the children. But I would never have asked him, i'm traditional (he knew that) and I made it very verbally clear I wanted to get married and asked if he was ever going to ask and I just got the cold shoulder. A lot of women are old school and love the "ask the dad's permission etc" or the man gets on one knee etc but if your man is not asking then you need to have words on is marriage what they want, too many women are made to wait too long!!!! And then expected to do the asking because they're being made to wait so long! and then plan and spend months sorting everything to make his and her day perfect.... life is too short! I got with my husband when I was 18, we've been together now 22 years now but only married 7 years, I would love to celebrate big wedding anniversaries but will be well into my 60s-70's before I get near any big ones lol

CalistoNoSolo · 13/03/2023 11:50

The whole proposal thing is so outdated. Surely if you're grown ups you both agree to marriage (or not) after a discussion on the pros and cons for each person.

Changemaname1 · 13/03/2023 12:03

I have zero interest in marriage and have declined a proposal twice in the past ( both previous long term relationships) however now I’m older if I wanted to it would likely be more of a conversation about if that was in our plans or not honestly .

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 13/03/2023 12:11

After 8 months together my husband introduced me to his son telling me that ‘he would only ever introduce someone he thought was forever’. Took him 7 more years to then propose, life happened in between such as my dad dying, but we both know my dad adored him anyway and spent hours sitting and chatting to him when he was ill so I don’t think we ever needed to worry ourselves with whether he would have approved a request to marry me, in fact my dad would probably have said ‘oh thank god’ if asked 😂.

DH proposed at home with his sons help and it was lovely and very intimate a couple of days after my birthday with a ring he had carefully designed and had made and engraved by a local jeweller. Personally I love how it all happened and wouldn’t change a thing…

We then proceeded to equally make decisions and contributions on everything to do with our wedding.

I don’t care about all this traditional/non traditional stuff. You do you and as long as you are happy what does it matter what anyone else does?

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