Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Should I encourage DD to have a bigger party so she can invite her classmates?

27 replies

gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:23

It's DD's 10th birthday coming up, and for her party, she wants to do an activity where you can only have a few people doing it.

It would mean she could only invite 5 friends.

DD has lots of friends. I'm not saying she's one of the "popular girls" just that she's a friendly confident child and plays with lots of other kids, many of whom consider her one of their close friends.

Two of the friends she wants to invite are family friends not in her school and 1 is in the other class, so that would mean only 2 friends from her class.

When I think of all the parties she's been invited to by her classmates, some of whom she sits with and plays with every day, and I know they consider themselves her close friends, I expect they will be disappointed and surprised to not be invited. Plus all the playdates after school etc, and favours me and the mums have done for each other.

What should I do? At 10, is this basically her choice as and I should but out?

I was thinking maybe I could say the activity is a birthday treat, not her party and have a house birthday party as well? But is that nuts? I suggested it to DD and I was surprised she wasn't jumping at the idea of 2 parties! (Not totally against it, mind).

WWYD?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/03/2023 18:24

It’s her birthday if she wants to stick to a smaller group then let her.

BasilParsley · 11/03/2023 18:25

Frankly, I would butt out and go with what she has asked for - she's only 10 once....

FlounderingFruitcake · 11/03/2023 18:27

If money permits I’d do a bigger party with all the school friends and do the activity separately with family friends.

neitherofthem · 11/03/2023 18:27

She's hitting the age when they tend to stop having big parties with all their classmates anyway. Let her have the party she wants.

Original poster
gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:28

If a girl you thought was one of your best mates, and you played with every day had a party without you, wouldn't you be upset?

I think her good friends in her class will be and I don't think she understands this.

But what I'm not sure on is whether I should point that out or leave well alone.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 11/03/2023 18:28

Let her have the treat she has chosen, it is what she wants, she has no interest in you feeling like you have social debts, that is your problem

m00rfarm · 11/03/2023 18:29

Just have a class party as well. Why not?

Nimbostratus100 · 11/03/2023 18:30

gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:28

If a girl you thought was one of your best mates, and you played with every day had a party without you, wouldn't you be upset?

I think her good friends in her class will be and I don't think she understands this.

But what I'm not sure on is whether I should point that out or leave well alone.

leave well alone

If anyone is upset, not your problem, or your daughter's problem - you don't owe anyone a party, except your daughter, and she has chosen what she wants

Original poster
gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:30

FlounderingFruitcake · 11/03/2023 18:27

If money permits I’d do a bigger party with all the school friends and do the activity separately with family friends.

I like your thinking, but unfortunately she won't go for that as her absolute best friend is at school and she definitely wants her there.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 11/03/2023 18:30

m00rfarm · 11/03/2023 18:29

Just have a class party as well. Why not?

Because it doesn’t sound like that is what she wants for her birthday so why would you?

Original poster
gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:31

m00rfarm · 11/03/2023 18:29

Just have a class party as well. Why not?

Oh god no, definitely not a whole class party!😬

OP posts:
Original poster
gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:31

Lockdown put a stop to whole class parties and we've not missed them!

The bigger party would be about 15 or so.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 11/03/2023 18:32

It is her choice, and if there are consequences then so be it. Just having 2 is fine I would not mind and would be happy to explain to anyone who asked.

FlounderingFruitcake · 11/03/2023 18:35

In that case, as long as she understands that there might be parties she then isn’t invited to as a result I would just let her do what she wants.

MaryDerry · 11/03/2023 18:36

It is her birthday. If she's happy with the activity and 5 people then stop worrying about it.

You could always invite some school friends over for tea or evening if you really feel.theyll be upset
But this is the age they want to do an activity so not all do get an invite. And that's OK.

Lavender14 · 11/03/2023 18:41

If you have the means to do a class party as well as this activity I'd offer it to her and see what she thinks and go with what she wants. I wouldn't make her feel like she has to compromise her own wishes to please other people and as others have said she's getting to the age where they tend to do smaller parties. If she has a handful of other close friends could they come that evening for a sleepover and just do the activity with the ones she's requested rather than inviting the entire class? With col going up I don't think anyone would blame you for not inviting their child and doing a huge party.

StopGrowingPlease · 11/03/2023 18:43

I think it should be up to her but if you can afford both and she wants both then do that 🤗

FusionChefGeoff · 11/03/2023 18:48

I'd definitely do something else for her other besties. I also think you need to spell out to her the possible impact on others - 10 year olds are very selfish and it's up to us to force them to think outwards

enidblythe · 12/03/2023 08:36

I think that as parents it our job to guide the kids. I would sit and have a conversation with her around the possibilities of upsetting others if the invite isn't returned and the repercussions (friendships / not invited to other parties ). If you can I would offer the option of a smaller party with the chosen pals and the a wider party at home like you suggested.
If she doesn't want to do that then fully support her once you have explained what the fall out could be, and acknowledge too that there might not be any fall out.
Worth having the chat you might find that some have had those small parties for a while now and she s aware and fine with it all.

10 is still an age when their friendships change, next year those chosen few for the small party might not be her best friends, I think it s important to keep their friendships varied and their options open.

Also important to help them develop empathy and see the scenario from all sides, and to consider potential outcomes. Then once she has made an informed decision you can support her.

Flammkuchen · 12/03/2023 10:35

It’s good that you are sensitive OP. It’s great for her to want this specific activity, but it’s also very understandable for other to be upset if they discover the friendship is one-sided/that your DD doesn’t think of them as close friends. You are wise to point out the consequences as children can be selfish/not see all the implications.

drpet49 · 12/03/2023 10:40

gwrachod · 11/03/2023 18:28

If a girl you thought was one of your best mates, and you played with every day had a party without you, wouldn't you be upset?

I think her good friends in her class will be and I don't think she understands this.

But what I'm not sure on is whether I should point that out or leave well alone.

I completely understand your point OP. Your daughter doesn’t realise the potential upset that this will cause and she will then be the one to bear the brunt of it.

viques · 12/03/2023 10:49

it is nearly half way through the school year, has she been invited to 15 or so parties since September? I doubt it. Is she in Year 5 or 6? In a few months, or a year, they will all be moving onto senior school and all the “ did I get invited to xparty, I need to invite them back” weirdness will go. Just because they have all been in the same class doesn’t mean they have to reciprocate. Let her do the activity she wants, with who she wants.

If she you , still feel awkward then suggest she you treat a few of her closer friends to a hot chocolate/ cake outing in a local cafe. Or a pizza/ movie night at yours.

WandaWonder · 12/03/2023 10:58

It is her birthday why can't she have the party she wants?

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 23/10/2023 17:07

It will cause problems at school, yes. I’m sure it will cause hurt.

some pp said it’s not your daughters problem but it will be when she’s hurt other peoples feelings and then respond to that.

teaching our children empathy is important and a really simple solution would be doing both.

minipie · 23/10/2023 17:16

I absolutely think you should point out to her the risk that some girls will be upset or offended and it could affect their view of her - but it’s her choice

I also think that if she still says she wants 5 kids after that chat then you should go with that.