Did you overcome resentment & rocky marriage with young DC?

[poorlychild]

This is off the back of another thread asking if having children worsens your marriage, but I didn't want to derail that thread with my own experiences.

My marriage is really suffering at the moment ever since having a child and I'm looking for advice. Specifically, has anyone managed to get their marriage properly back on track after a rocky few years with young children?

Our DD is 2.5 and since being able to crawl she's always been a "handful" if I can put it like that. Obvs we absolutely love her to bits and wouldn't change her for the world, but she is full on and bloody hard work - a bolter, needs constant input, unbelievably energetic and always the most livewire kid in any group. As well we don't have any wider family to support. We've started having a babysitter for a handful of nights out but only recently and only after she's asleep as she won't let them put her down.

Anyway DH works long hours and I run my own business. DD attends nursery part-time and I care for her the rest of the week. DH is frequently away overnight or home late.

Since she was a year old we've been bickering, and it's got worse and worse until now where it feels like we are at constant loggerheads. I feel so sad about it as prior to kids we never argued and the newborn phase was fine and I even felt more loved up and supported by DH. We try not to argue in front of her but after she's gone to bed we've had some blazing rows. I feel exhausted and my sleep is terrible.

It's stemming from resentment I think over who is more tired, who works the hardest, whose load is more, and now we are in this place where we haven't resolved one argument and then another new one ensues and it gets worse and worse.

When we have argued I have found myself feeling surprisingly angry and DH has said some horrible things in the heat of the moment.

We have both said we love each other and want it to work, and we love our family.

I don't go into all the specifics but there are things I feel angry with DH over which we just can't seem to resolve as talking now turns into an argument.

I have suggested marriage counselling which we are going to try.

Did anyone else get through a similar rocky patch / resentment fuelled periods with small children and overcome it to become happily married again?

I didn’t and ended up divorced. But looking back I think in retrospect I left it too late to tackle - so that the resentment had become so ingrained even though I wanted to I couldn’t let it go.

With hindsight I can see more clearly where my faults in the relationship also were and how I got locked into a cycle of resentment ( and martyr-ish behaviour forwards the end) for so long I couldn’t escape. I wish I had managed to find money for a babysitter more and/or been more willing to leave my DC with someone ( although one turned out to have SEN).

So I think the fact that you are so proactively tackling it now is great - and if you can ask yourself if you can let go of the resentment ( or change the dynamic where it’s coming from?) then that can only be a good thing. Also if you only have 1 DC you will soon hit the bit where it all gets a bit easier!

I do have friends who went through rocky patches and did come out the other side - they were generally the couples who kept making time with each other and away from the DC with their friends/hobbies individually as well.

I wish you lots of luck and hope you work things out.

Looking after small children combined with work is exhausting. Me and dh were similar when dc were small. They are now 8 and 12, things are much easier and our relationship is now back to pre dc. I would definitely recommend marriage counselling, it did help us.

Thank you both, that is helpful. @Littlemice I'm so sorry your marriage didn't work out. I'm not sure if we've left it too late but I really am praying not.

Unfortunately/ fortunately we are also TTC. This is because my age means we don't have any time to waste and strongly would ideally a 2nd child to "complete" our family, even though part of me dreads the impact. I'm hoping we can get to a better space so that if that does happen we can cope better.

Any other people experience this?

I don't think a second baby is a good idea if you are struggling now.

Adding another four years to the wilful toddler stage isn't a good idea, and if you think you're tired now, having two small children is on a different level.

Can't you leave it another two years before trying? Or stick to one dc?

Well no, due to my age you see. There's no time to lose. I doubt we'd have any hope at all in two years.

Oh OP, this sounds so tough. I have no real words of wisdom for you, but it sounds really positive that you both want to get back on track. Counselling sounds like a great idea, as it seems to be an issues of communication and being heard.

Your daughter sounds exactly like my son, he has always been high energy. While he's still the most lively in a group, it has been getting increasingly easy over the past few years (he's 5 now). Being able to finish a conversation with my husband has definitely helped the relationship. I remember being absolutely furious when he ever complained about being tired, or hadn't tidied up. Those kind of things don't seem to cause so much resentment these days now the kids are less work

I think you both needs rules about arguing such as stopping arguments before they escalate and do permanent damage.

Have a mantra that recognises you are going through stormy times but you commit to each other.. Keep a list of things you like about each other and promise to acknowledge at least one positive trait each day.

Each of you commit to one "red liine" that you won't cross. Then also offer each other a free pass card...what is the thing that you really need from your partner? Agree it and follow through.

Thanks. Sorry what did you mean by free pass and red card?

If you resent each other & are constantly arguing how can you turn that off for TTC?

Our marriage was literally dreadful, but it has improved no end and I'm now very happy, but I had PND, DH worked constantly and was quite tight with money. I now work again, kids are older, DH realises I actually did loads with the kids when they were little.

@MrsMarigold did you do anything to try to patch up your marriage or did it just get better as the DC got older?

@Happierwithouthim with great difficulty.

Is this an Elastoplast baby so?

Why do you need to have a second child

I’m in a fairly similar situation to you.. I often think there’s no way in hell I can handle another baby - I think it would break me from sheer exhaustion and disappointment (maybe misplaced, who knows) in DH and our marriage. I’d rethink that part until you’re on stable ground. I don’t know if I’ll have another as I feel it’s destroyed our marriage really. It’s really hard and just impossible to function normally imo if you’re both living busy lives and feel there’s an inbalance somewhere. I’m not sure what the answer is but hope you find a way through xxxxx

This happened to me. We overcame it, but it took a lot of honesty, both with ourselves and then each other, and a huge mindshift to stop seeing each other as "the enemy" and start viewing ourselves as a team. We had some really difficult conversations about areas where we felt we'd let each other down, and we tried hard not to have arguments and be defensive, but really listen and apologise and explain different our view on things. We had some really bad patches, and I even said to him at one point that he should leave coz our life seemed to make him so unhappy. We are now happier than we've ever been, even though our kids are still really young and it's still very hard. We help each other through now.

It sounds ridiculous, but one of the first things I started doing with my husband after we started talking about everything was listening and offering sympathy when he said he was struggling. Reacting to him like I would anyone else in my life, not trying to point out my own struggles or simmering with secret resentment! He quickly started doing the same once there was no sense of "well I'm even more tired than that!"

Please stop TTC. Having one child is perfectly fine. I really wouldn't throw another into the mix.

Unfortunately I agree with others that if you struggled with one then two will almost certainly break you. We sailed through the first baby and our relationship felt stronger than ever. Second baby increased the pressure 100 fold and showed up every crack in our relationship (we’d been together 11 years by then).

We did manage to survive (just) but only because we were too tired at first to initiate divorce. We had joint counselling and individual counselling and eventually got back on track enough for a third. DC3 is now 3 and our relationship is just getting back on track properly now. We’re stronger than we were before. But it was a hard ride to get here.

We did go through it and we survived it, though it took a while. Honestly, I think most couples go through this -- just having a third party in the marriage, let alone one so dependent, let alone also being exhausted, inevitably causes changes and trouble at first. In other words, I think you can reassure yourselves you're quite normal. Both my husband and I now make a point of telling younger couples who are at that stage that they should try to hang in there.

As it happens we didn't even have marriage counselling at the time. We did later, when we were back living in Britain, and it helped, but I'm not sure it would have helped at the time. I reserve the right to think, in my secret thoughts, that he was in the wrong at the time but I forgive him because he's nice again!

It just sort of resolved itself, neither of us are particularly fond of therapy, although DH started wfh and saw what I did, I think he was surprised at how hard it was. Around the same time I went back to work and we became more equal.

I worry about the TTC too but at the same time we have been very clear together that our ideal life has two kids and I won't have any more time - it may even be too late now. If we stop TTC and then never have another child (because we gave up rather than because Mother Nature didn't let us) then I think that sadness and resentment could actually be worse to deal with.

I think I'm thinking that if we did conceive that we could do all we could to go into it with our eyes fully open 2nd time round. The marriage counselling would support us to communicate better and manage things better.

I don't think that's either accurate or fair. I've never though babies fix relationships and indeed I'm being incredibly thoughtful about this process rather than many people who just leap into it and get pregnant without thinking. It took me 40 years to be ready to have the first one!

@DorotheaHomeAlone you say I shouldn't have a 2nd but you went on to have a 3rd!

@MsFrog @sjxoxo @allswellthatends thank you, that's really helpful