Did you overcome resentment & rocky marriage with young DC?

[poorlychild]

This is off the back of another thread asking if having children worsens your marriage, but I didn't want to derail that thread with my own experiences.

My marriage is really suffering at the moment ever since having a child and I'm looking for advice. Specifically, has anyone managed to get their marriage properly back on track after a rocky few years with young children?

Our DD is 2.5 and since being able to crawl she's always been a "handful" if I can put it like that. Obvs we absolutely love her to bits and wouldn't change her for the world, but she is full on and bloody hard work - a bolter, needs constant input, unbelievably energetic and always the most livewire kid in any group. As well we don't have any wider family to support. We've started having a babysitter for a handful of nights out but only recently and only after she's asleep as she won't let them put her down.

Anyway DH works long hours and I run my own business. DD attends nursery part-time and I care for her the rest of the week. DH is frequently away overnight or home late.

Since she was a year old we've been bickering, and it's got worse and worse until now where it feels like we are at constant loggerheads. I feel so sad about it as prior to kids we never argued and the newborn phase was fine and I even felt more loved up and supported by DH. We try not to argue in front of her but after she's gone to bed we've had some blazing rows. I feel exhausted and my sleep is terrible.

It's stemming from resentment I think over who is more tired, who works the hardest, whose load is more, and now we are in this place where we haven't resolved one argument and then another new one ensues and it gets worse and worse.

When we have argued I have found myself feeling surprisingly angry and DH has said some horrible things in the heat of the moment.

We have both said we love each other and want it to work, and we love our family.

I don't go into all the specifics but there are things I feel angry with DH over which we just can't seem to resolve as talking now turns into an argument.

I have suggested marriage counselling which we are going to try.

Did anyone else get through a similar rocky patch / resentment fuelled periods with small children and overcome it to become happily married again?

I think differently. Perhaps you want a second child more than you want to hold on to a struggling marriage. Breaking up is not the worst option. Yes, it's hard at that time but if you are really not all that happy, is it worth hanging on to? The decision was made for me and my ex-H left, which was terrible at the time but now I'm profoundly grateful happened. I had the two children that I wanted. We now share them amicably and everyone is happy. That's a different way of looking at things.

Could you maybe do with some extra help? A nanny / housekeeper instead of nursery a couple of times a week could maybe be a better. Whilst toddler naps they can crack on with some house work.

Are you arguing about him not doing enough to help you?

I always wanted three DC, changed my mind when our second came along. It has tested our marriage beyond anything I've ever known. We don't argue but I feel like we are passing ships, it is divine and conquer. My DH is so supportive and helps round the house, I am very lucky, he does loads with the children, too. But it is still strained at times and our sex life much non-existent, this is partly due to is being terrified of falling pregnant as I had a scare in feb, despite using contraception, I had 'the nausea' and we felt like our world was ending, thankfully my period was just late. He is now on the waiting list for the snip.

Having children is the hardest thing ever and if you are like this now, I would re-consider having a second, things will be much worse than they are now, trust me.

This is a really good point. I do think that would help. Especially if we did have a 2nd.

Not so much that he's lazy but that his hours are so long I take all the slack and we're both knackered.

Agree with getting extra help if possible, e.g. upping nursery hours. I went through this with DH after we had DC1, just the usual reasons - competitive tiredness, adapting to the massive responsibility of parenthood, lack of quality time together, etc. We had some awful arguments and said horrible things, we kind of stopped liking each other as I guess the stress of parenting brought out sides of each other neither of us had seen before. It kind of gradually got better with time, we have considered couples counselling and still would go if we need it but we kind of managed to pull it back before it got to that point. What helped is little things - just trying to do small but nice things for each other, give each other a break from DS when needed, we probably don't do enough activities as a family but we do give each other 'me' time and I think that really helps prevent either of us from getting burned out from work/home stuff. Sounds pretty normal to me but communication is key and you definitely need to talk about your issues and take steps to resolve them as early as possible.

Thanks @LadyMcLadyface it's really helpful to hear how normal this seems to be. It sounds from the way you worded your post that you went on to have another DC?

I think to some extent most couples go through this when one parent works more than the other. Being at work long hours is tiring but looking after a child and working is tiring!

I think you have to reframe the distinction between you two. Is his long hours enabling you to work less?

You caring for your dc enables your dh to work long hours, try to appreciate what you do for each other.

Also look to change your situation if it's not working for you. Either accept this is the new norm or try to adapt it!

We had 3 DC in 4 years and things were bad for a few years after DC3 was born. DH worked loads, I struggled being at home and we were both tired. Things started to improve when DC3 started school but we also had to improve our communication and appreciate that we were both struggling.

Could you pay for checking your fertility now? I don't know much about fertility, but I know my friend got tested and found out her fertility was very low even though she hadn't experienced menopausal symptoms. I'm wondering if they could reassure you that you've got a little more time than you think. People do conceive I their 40s naturally it just depends on your luck.

With regards to what you're experiencing. Yes, our marriage recovered, and we're now hoping for a second. I left, and then we tried couples counselling. It didn't work for me as I had too much resentment. But he and the counsellor continued to work together (I consented to this sp it was ethical). Husband worked at proving he had changed. I also acknowledged I could have jabdled situations better too. And we worked through it. It wasn't easy but he put in a lot of effort.

You both need to stop with competitive tiredness/load pulling. All is does it make it a pissing contest as to who is more miserable & that's a spiral.

Use a shared calendar for things like birthdays, important dates, insurance renewals etc. Meal plan and get food shopping delivered to make life as straight forward as possible.

Do as much to reduce your mental load as possible. Monday to Friday, DH and I do chores for an hour or two per night but weekends are protected family time other than dishes/basics like wiping down surfaces.

Plan some family days out, they don't need to be expensive but try to remember why you chose to be together and have children, for the happy times & memories.

Maybe look into some couples counselling for an impartial perspective?

Following x

No advice, but in pretty much the exact same situation.

Yes. I have a 3 year old, almost 1 year old and pregnant with a surprise 3rd. DH has a job which takes him away a lot, I work too and I am living away from any type of family support. We have started couples therapy recently so only a few sessions in but it's helpful. We have the same issues you described about who is more tired, busy, stressed etc. it's so boring. I know our marriage won't survive this 3rd child without some major major changes so I'm really hoping we get to a better place before he is born.

DH had a bit of a difficult patch after kids. I had a difficult birth that left me traumatised and becoming a mother was a huge adjustment for me. I was completely exhausted for the first 2 years of her life and then I got pregnant again.

I can’t remember exactly what stage it was, but at some point I said to DH that if we kept speaking to each other the way we did then we’d end up divorced. I think it shocked him a bit. We were at the stage where every conversation was passive aggressive and we’d sigh at each other if one asked the other for help etc.

Anyway things are much better now, although we still get annoyed with each sometimes of course. I think a lot of it was the shock of parenthood and how relentless it was. With second baby, we had sort of accepted that life was totally different and it was going to be tough. With the first one we were completely besotted with her of course, but also mourned our old life. Both of mine have been extremely difficult toddlers. Livewires and v stubborn. Second one actually more so which I wouldn’t have been able to believe was possible!

With my older one, it got easier from about 4 and so far has gotten easier as she gets older so hope will be the same with the younger one. So perhaps in a few years we will all be sleeping more and feeling more relaxed!

No words of wisdom my love but I do think this is very common.

would he col go to counselling?

There definitely is hope! Our first was (with hindsight) a really hard baby/toddler and we had a similar set up whereby my DH was the higher earner, working long hours and I picked up everything else. TTC our first took 7yrs and we both wanted a second but didn’t know how long it would take, so started trying even though we knew the time wasn’t “right” for us or our relationship.

We conceived our second within 8 weeks of trying and they arrived safely. They were a much happier baby. Much easier and made us both realise together that the journey with our first had been unusually difficult.

Our second wasn’t a “band aid” baby - I hate that term! But they did open our eyes that our first had been so hard in comparison. It did bring us back together and we operated as a team again.

Now, 5/6 years on our second has SEN and our first is thriving, so no one can predict how these things will end up, but we are still together as a couple and a lot stronger as a result.

It is a very hard time of life I think. I can remember that feeling of competitive tiredness/resentment etc. One day I had this realisation that I really loved my husband, he was a good man, he was trying his best, and he was tired and hard-working too. I decided there and then that I would simply presume the best of him from then on. So if he said "does that nappy need changing" I'd presume he meant "what do you think? should I change it" and not "you should change that nappy". I just gave him the benefit of the doubt all the time and stopped snapping. In fairness he probably always did that for me. It really transformed how our marriage with 3 small children worked.

Marriage counselling is a good idea. Otherwise could you sit with your dh some saturday evening with a glass of wine and a pizza and agree to just draw a line under all the old resentments and fights. Give yourselves an amnesty. Then agree that from now on you'll each just try your best to make the other person's life easier and will try to appreciate what the other one does without the need to point out "but I did more/or what about me" This only works if both people do it. Both take their fair share of work. Both say thank you and appreciate the other. And both agree that some things are off limits in an argument.

We had some tough times after our first was born. Not helped by me being quite physically and mentally unwell during the whole pregnancy. I think my DH was quite resentful of the attention our newborn was getting, with my focus suddenly being on the baby. Looking back I was an over protective first time mother. He didn't want a second child because of this. However after a couple of years and mainly due to my age (nearly 40) we agreed to try for another baby. It happened almost straightaway.

I was unwell again during the second pregnancy. And looking after a toddler and working. It wasn't easy.

I don't know if it was easier having two babies. We both knew having another was out of the question so I was sterilised during the second birth.

Now our babies are adults it all seems worth it. Although I do look back and wonder how the hell we got through it all. The biggest factor is that ultimately we are best friends, we really like each other, there's probably no one else that I would choose to live with.

We both had individual counselling for our own issues (so not marriage guidance as such) but we clearly both had our own shit to sort out.

I think we're in a good place now and as strong as we've ever been. But my god it's been hard.

@poorlychild defo get some extra help then, sometimes you got to throw money at the problem. We have some similar issues - my husband is away 1-2 nights a week, I work about 25 hours a week and he works about 45+, my DD is starting nursery soon 3 mornings, and then I have nanny other two days in the home, she does bins, surfaces, hoover, laundry, tidies toys, just anything that needs doing and also takes toddler to baby groups to wear here out, put hers down for nap, does her lunch and clears up. I am sure if you had this much support a couple of days a week you'd feel less pressure and less jaded about carrying the majority of the mental load.

Also schedule in time for you to do the household stuff like shopping, organising, chores etc as well as time actually take a break for a few hours - go for a swim, do some yoga, meditate - you need time out.

And plan nice things for when you're together a weekends, especially now we are coming into Spring and better weather. Stuff that brings you together as a family and where you can be reminded why you're growing this family.

For holidays go somewhere with a crèche / baby sitting so you can get some time. Like centre parcs. Have time for you too and loads of quality time with DD.

Me and my DH have had a difficult winter with illnesses and having a 16 month old toddler to care for, both working, he earns a lot more, also pregnant with baby 2 / morning sickness (I am 40 so like you had to crack on) and all the pressure causes arguments for sure. I found with more support and going back to work so I had my own money / better self esteem, and lowering my standards considerably on everything (we eat simple easy meals right now), we're able to keep the mood fairly good in the house.

Thank you so much everyone. Yes I think all these things will help:

Spending any available money on help - cleaner, babysitter etc
Making domestic life as easy as possible
Weekends spent doing nice family things and date night
Not automatically reverting to comparison over who works harder / listening and appreciating the other persons challenges
Trying to carve out time for me - down time, exercise, self care, reading, doing nothing - where possible!

Oh and the marriage counselling we are starting next week

Sounds like a plan!
See if there's a local laundry service, I pay about £30 a week to get it picked up, cleaned and dropped off folded, real time saver x