Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Poorly toddler - mum's got to stay at home

59 replies

poorlychild · 08/03/2023 18:28

My 2.5 year old has chicken pox and will need to be off nursery until she's better. We have no support, no grandparents or family. Husband works for a company in an office and earns double my salary. I run my own business and earn half his salary. So naturally I am now looking at at least 5 days stuck in the house with sick toddlerSad Toddler doesn't appear that unwell yet but I know she might soon become itchy and uncomfortable. She's normally a very lively child and quite hard work / requires a lot of attention. Definitely not the sort of child who would sit and watch CBeebies whilst I did some work. I won't be able to complete any tasks at all including many housework tasks for the next week. Meanwhile husbands life looks basically the same, and he's got a busy few days so won't be coming back till after DD's bedtime.

I've moved meetings and done what I can but there'll be s lot of catching up. Annoyingly I gave a teaching commitment on Saturday so whilst DH will look after DD I can't very well suggest I get some time off at the weekend.

I know it's just par for the course that as parents our child will get sick and we will have to take time off work.

Just looking for any tips to help me get through the next few days without going stir crazy or overly stressed about my work.

OP posts:
jannier · 08/03/2023 21:51

poorlychild · 08/03/2023 18:41

He's having a very busy next fortnight. He's been really stressed about it each day so the timing isn't great. He's also working away overnight for 2 nights the following week.

And....
You're not really busy,
Your not stressed
You don't get paid if off
It's never a good time

Original poster
poorlychild · 08/03/2023 22:42

Well we've just had a blazing row about it sadly. He came home just now having had a work drink. He said he's not able to change anything about his day tomorrow and needs 12 hours straight to work. He can actually work from home tomorrow but said he's really pissed off that "I'm making him" wfh as he was planning on 12 hours in the office without distractions.

He suggested we buy in a babysitter or ask someone who is not a close relative and whom has never looked after DD for 10 minutes, let alone a day.

I said i am not prepared to have someone come in who has never looked after DD. I have altered my day massively tomorrow and axed a lot of meetings etc but there are 2 commitments I want to stick to. I can care for DD all day but would like to be able to attend two zoom meetings for a total of 2 hours. He said that as he earns so much more it is a rational fact that his job is more important and should be prioritised. He said he has offered to phone this relative (who has never babysat) and thinks that's a fair compromise. Husband has now gone upstairs and said I'm unreasonable.

We've not even discussed Friday yet or the rest of the weekend. He's working away from next Tuesday and I'll be all by myself with DD then anyway.

OP posts:
3littlebeans · 08/03/2023 22:49

It may be worth thinking about emergency childcare as this will happen a lot as they start school etc.
There are childcare companies where they can come at short notice. They could play with your toddler on site while you work. It really might be a good compromise.

Also if yiu can't do housework with kid home... when do you normally do it?! I did it around my kid but also had low standard when they were small. If there's money to throw at it do get a cleaner.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families
MidgeHardcastle · 08/03/2023 22:59

Well that told you op. He's King of the Castle and you're just the annoying buzzing thing in his ear. Hope he realises he is only able to do his job because you are there to do everything else.

JavaChip · 08/03/2023 23:11

I see these threads over and over.

These men are so far up their own arses it's unbelievable

Suzi888 · 08/03/2023 23:16

You can’t do anything, not even housework with a 2.5 Yr old? If they’re unwell, they’ll be sleeping/resting (with any luck!)
Unless you can afford to go without your husband’s income, (presuming he can just walk away from work) I don’t see what choice you have.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/03/2023 23:29

How will you find childcare when your child has an infectious disease?
DH is clearly stressed and not thinking straight, he sounds quite panicked.
I think the best you can do right now is tell him that he will need to cover you enough so that you can do whatever work is necessary this week, and that you will be as flexible as possible re timings but bottom line is that you still need to do x hours of work.
Point out that going to the pub after work is just a pisstake and disrespectful, and if he expects you to enable him to work, he needs to play ball.
Don't worry about house work, and hopefully DD will not suffer too much and will sleep a lot.

LocalHobo · 08/03/2023 23:43

he has offered to phone this relative (who has never babysat) and thinks that's a fair compromise
I think this would be fine to cover you whilst you carry out two zoom meetings. It is also a starting point for future emergency childcare, which I am certain you may need.

jannier · 09/03/2023 08:03

3littlebeans · 08/03/2023 22:49

It may be worth thinking about emergency childcare as this will happen a lot as they start school etc.
There are childcare companies where they can come at short notice. They could play with your toddler on site while you work. It really might be a good compromise.

Also if yiu can't do housework with kid home... when do you normally do it?! I did it around my kid but also had low standard when they were small. If there's money to throw at it do get a cleaner.

Wouldn't want to use an emergency company that went to infected children's houses and spread it to my child. Children are home because they are infectious

Newgirls · 09/03/2023 08:07

Ok well hopefully things are calmer today. At some point though this is a bigger conversation isn’t it about parenting and your gendered roles.

he is more worried to stand up to work bosses/colleagues and is happy to ‘bully’ you - and feels ok in that as it’s the traditional set up for mens work to take priority.

if he is going to organise childcare that’s a start I guess and you might need to accept that part of him stepping up to this won’t be with the same methods as you

not easy

jannier · 09/03/2023 08:07

poorlychild · 08/03/2023 22:42

Well we've just had a blazing row about it sadly. He came home just now having had a work drink. He said he's not able to change anything about his day tomorrow and needs 12 hours straight to work. He can actually work from home tomorrow but said he's really pissed off that "I'm making him" wfh as he was planning on 12 hours in the office without distractions.

He suggested we buy in a babysitter or ask someone who is not a close relative and whom has never looked after DD for 10 minutes, let alone a day.

I said i am not prepared to have someone come in who has never looked after DD. I have altered my day massively tomorrow and axed a lot of meetings etc but there are 2 commitments I want to stick to. I can care for DD all day but would like to be able to attend two zoom meetings for a total of 2 hours. He said that as he earns so much more it is a rational fact that his job is more important and should be prioritised. He said he has offered to phone this relative (who has never babysat) and thinks that's a fair compromise. Husband has now gone upstairs and said I'm unreasonable.

We've not even discussed Friday yet or the rest of the weekend. He's working away from next Tuesday and I'll be all by myself with DD then anyway.

Shame he didn't spend the pub time doing some of tomorrow's 12 hours......why are you falling for his shit?

Pinkbananas01 · 09/03/2023 08:08

Sounds like DH can't help this time but I'd be making it very clear that the next times DC is unwell it is absolutely on him regardless of work commitments (for an equal no of days!). Most men take time these days to parent their children, its not optional

JassyRadlett · 09/03/2023 08:12

It's funny how women with 'big jobs' can find ways to make their jobs work and do their share of sick days, etc.

I'm another who makes significantly more than my husband in a high-pressure role. I would never dream of behaving as your husband has just behaved. What a twat.

The flip side if he doesn't do his share this time is that he does the next 5 consecutive sick days, right? Right!?

VitaminX · 09/03/2023 08:31

So a parent could not do his job if they were actually responsible for their children? This is the root of economic inequality between the sexes, the fact that men don't take responsibility for their children unless it's convenient to them. (#NAMALT).

I doubt he'll be better the next time your child is ill. There's always something important at work, isn't there? Or will he swear to do the next 5 sick days as compensation for letting the side down this time - and stick to it?

Lastnamedidntstick · 09/03/2023 08:41

Well we've just had a blazing row about it sadly. He came home just now having had a work drink. He said he's not able to change anything about his day tomorrow and needs 12 hours straight to work. He can actually work from home tomorrow but said he's really pissed off that "I'm making him" wfh as he was planning on 12 hours in the office without distractions

yet despite being so busy and stressed and needing to work 12 hour days he manages to find time to go for a “work drink” while he knows you’re at home with a sick toddler?

yeah o/p, it’s not his “big job”, it’s he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to see to his sick child, he doesn’t want to help you out, and he doesn’t care that his toddler is sick and you’re having to rearrange your work and are stressing over it all.

he wants to get out the house, go to work where people aren’t “making” him do things he doesn’t want to. He wants to stop at the pub and enjoy himself and not be bothered by you and his child.

he’s shown you what he thinks of you. Your place is in the home while he carries on with his life not having to worry about it.

where I work both men and women have senior roles. The women take time off to see to sick children, as do the men. We’d be less impressed with a man who leaves it all to his partner- it’s encouraged that they share, otherwise workplaces would be back to males only in senior roles.

FlounderingFruitcake · 09/03/2023 09:28

I’m highly skeptical but assuming for a moment that he really really can’t take time off, because maybe he is the CFO of a public company, and that even the work drinks were part of an investor day or something non negotiable- it’s still not fair that it’s all on you also run your own business. This will happen again, because toddlers get sick and he’ll no doubt be busy at work next time too. You need a full time nanny. It shouldn’t be an affordability issue even alongside nursery if it really a ‘big job’. This time though I’d take him up on the offer of the relative. If it’s someone DD knows well e.g. aunt or grandma and you’re in the house then surely they can watch her for an hour so you can do a call or catch up on some bits.

LadyJ2023 · 09/03/2023 09:57

Jeeeez some people need to learn self sacrifice didn't you consider all of this before having a child. Sorry but we have 3 under 2, we work, share housework,cooking when there ill we take turns to take time off,take turns in the night and still go to work. If I feel extra tired hubby will dive in to do extra when he gets in or vice versa no arguments needed. Feel sorry for the child stuck between you 2

MidgeHardcastle · 09/03/2023 11:10

Before posters can reply on a thread it would be great to have a tick box to say yes, I have read the op's posts and my reply won't make me sound like a dick.

Wnikat · 09/03/2023 11:13

Get a cleaning agency.
Get a meal delivery service
He can pay with his big important job
You can use the time saved to catch up on work.

eurochick · 09/03/2023 11:18

When it is the woman with the higher income or "big job" they never seem to behave like this.

I was the higher earner when my daughter was small. We generally split sick days 50/50 between us. Where we both had difficult days if possible we both wfh and sat down in the morning with diaries and worked out who had calls or meetings at particular times and swapped childcare around throughout the day. If we had a clash we worked out what was the priority. Then we either took a half day of leave each or made up the time in the evening.

Original poster
poorlychild · 09/03/2023 11:51

It never occurred to me before DC my husband would respond like this. We were always a balanced team - I thought. Now the reality of having a toddler and work is happening I'm starting to question everything. I feel so sad today. Plus its tense as anything. I've moved everything to accommodate him. I have a bit of urgent work but gave cancelled all my meetings. He's just come into the room I'm in and asked what work I'm doing. I've said I've moved xyz etc and he is now pissed off as he thinks he could have gone into the office after all and doesn't understand why he's at home.

OP posts:
Sleepless1096 · 09/03/2023 13:08

Why do you feel that you have to be in charge of making things OK for him as well as looking after your sick child?

Tell him to get his head out of his arse and start doing some basic parenting. He doesn't get to create an atmosphere when you're all of you just trying to get through the day and get everything done... it's not acceptable.

Ask him... is he on the same team as you or not? Would he behave like this to his co-workers or is it just his wife he thinks he can be a complete arse to?

Scottishgirl85 · 09/03/2023 13:15

Time off for childcare has nothing to do with salary earned. Your husband is avoiding his responsibilities. Of course he can take oatental leave, he just doesn't want to. My husband and I both have high-earning, high-pressured jobs - we split this sort of thing 50-50. There is always a way if you want there to be.

Scottishgirl85 · 09/03/2023 13:15

*parental

WhichPage · 09/03/2023 13:18

Given you asked for tips

I would say take this time (which you have accepted you are stuck with due to your and his circumstances it seems) and make to most of it with you little child, set aside the unfairness as it will eat you up and gain nothing.

But yeah default parenting stops you flying with your career and earnings and due to the timing of child raising years properly messes with your current and future earning potential which sucks.