Is there any way that this can end well?

[onirgellep]

My mid twenties DD interviewed for her 'dream job' recently and was offered the post subject to Occ Health approval. She has long-standing social anxiety which interferes with many aspects of her life including her ability to be employed in the area she trained in

She has been employed in an unskilled job which she has continued to perform despite her life being in turmoil as a result of the recent breakdown of her 5 year LTR. Leading up to the final separation she was seen in A&E with a mental health crisis partly due to her being intoxicated with cannabis [she'd successfully given up self-medicating with this sometime ago]

She was obviously absolutely thrilled to be offered the new job

On Friday she has the Occ Health interview - she has written some interesting things on the occ health screening form one of which is that she has ADHD - this isn't something that has ever been formally diagnosed tho' she does have some SpLD effecting her concentration

She doesn't want to discuss any of this with me because she sees me as interfering, under-mining and negative. And i can see why she thinks that so I've not said anything

So is there any way in which they will still appoint her in spite of the mental health concerns?

How can we possibly know?

I get that you want to protect her and you want the best for her, and I get that it's hard to sit on your hands when you're worrying about her - but it sounds as if she has done something right if she's got the provisional offer, and if she managed to hold down her current job through a very hard time.

It might be she'll need to contextualise the reference to ADHD; it might be she won't get the job. But surely the positive outcome - even if she doesn't pass this approval - is that she's clearly a strong candidate. If she doesn't pass it, she may well still come out with a better idea of how to pass it next time.

In the kindest possible way, and I know you're just trying to be a good mum, but she's in her mid twenties so I think she needs to do this on her own.

How have you seen what she wrote on the form? Did she show it to you?

I feel like you are a bit over invested in this. In my early to mid twenties I went to interviews, got jobs, was declined jobs, almost got sacked etc, etc and my mum knew nothing about any of it.

Well adhd alone won’t prevent her from getting the jobs. Having mental health problems shouldn’t either but it depends exactly what she wrote and how she responds to how this will affect her ability to do the job

Why would she tell them she has Adhd when she hasn't been diagnosed with it?

Thank you for responding @SarahAndQuack

Yes she interviewed well and they were very happy with the practical task she was asked to do. And absolutely she's been a real trooper continuing to work and apply for better jobs in the face of adversity in her personal life

It's a lovely job and I think she'd be great at it - given a chance

If she fails the occ health interview she will be so crushed and I'm not at all sure she will learn from it because her believes her self-diagnosis of ADHD is completely correct - [I did offer to pay for a private ADHD assessment last year]

You're right it should be possible to salvage something if it all goes wrong

As others have said, although I know you're trying to care, but if she's already said that she thinks you're interfering, undermining and negative, I think you should back off and leave her to it. Its her life and its hers to either learn from her mistakes or successes. It may be that putting things like ADHD on the form marks her as "disabled" and helps them fill a quota if they employ her. You just don't know.

Main point is though you need to back off and leave her to it and listen to her (properly listen) when she says you're interfering, undermining and negative. Maybe - and I'm not trying to be nasty here - consider if you've contributed to her anxiety. I know my mother's constant undermining and negativity towards me was the root of my anxiety which has stuck with me ever since. I'm in my 50's now and the last time I saw her she told me I was looking really old!

Just let her know you are there for her if she needs you and that you're proud of her and that you love her and she will (or wont) come running to you if she needs you. Shes' more likely to do the former if you listen to her wishes though.

Again, I'm not trying to be cruel, it just sounds a little familiar and me saying this might help.

If she doesn't get the job, please dont say "I told you that you shouldn't have told them xxxx". Just tell her she did really well getting the interview and that if she can get one interview for such a great job, then it won't be long before she gets another. Leave her to learn for herself. You never know, she might even say "you know what mum, you were right, I should have listened to you", but she won't unless you first start listening to her.

I only got the briefest of glimpses of the form - and she took it away when I said but you haven't got ADHD - and it's not been possible to talk about it since

I do feel that I'm making a bad job of supporting her - she's very dependent on me and I'm over-involved

Quick one. You're not making a bad job of supporting her, if anything you're trying too hard. None of us parents are experts and we all make mistakes - I've made loads. Just let her make the mistakes she needs to, its all part of growing up and when the world all gets a bit too scary, be there for when she needs a hug and to be told it will be alright.

And again, I'm not saying you're not doing that already... this typing stuff is hard at times as you can't really express things well.

It sounds like you'd both benefit from you backing off a bit - she's mid-20s, and if she doesn't want to discuss something with you, you need to leave it at that.

Ooh, that is tricky. So she truly believes she has ADHD, rather than being at a pre-diagnosis stage but seeking one? I've come across that before (I used to work with university students and it is surprisingly common for bright young adults to have no idea that they can't do some online test and be 'diagnosed'). I guess in an ideal world you would have said something slightly less combative than 'but you haven't got ADHD' but I'd probably have said the same when surprised by reading that.

I don't think you are doing a bad job of supporting her - it's just difficult.

And, it could well be that if she does fail to get this approval, she will reconsider your offer to pay for an ADHD assessment (which might make the difference in the future).

OP, it would likely be beneficial for your relationship with DD if she can individuate from you more and become more independent.

You have raised into her early 20s and while of course she still needs your love and support, she will probably do better at this point if you can give her space to stand (or fall over) on her own two feet... If she does fall she'll get back up again, just like she did as a little child.

You can no more do this for her now than you could walk for her then. Let her handle this, for better or worse.

Then when she asks you for support, you can be there to give it.

Wish you and your DD all the best.

She doesn't want to discuss any of this with me because she sees me as interfering, under-mining and negative. And i can see why she thinks that so I've not said anything

You're not doing a bad job of supporting her, it might just be that to support her to find her own way, which is the goal of all of the parenting, you need to step back and let her do it.

She needs to work it out. If this one doesn't come off, then she needs to reflect and work out why. She doesn't need you there jumping about with the answers, she needs to work them out for herself.

Yes, be supportive, with cups of tea and hugs, tell her she's amazing and you're proud of her. Second guessing occupational health screenings to this level? Not helpful, for her or for you. Find something else to focus on, take the pressure off as she can feel it even if you're not saying it, show her you are there, and let her learn to trust that your reaction will be appropriate when she does come to you.

I'm sorry I'm getting a bit behind with replying - not ignoring all the helpful contributions

She had half an ADHD assessment when she was 13 but then withdrew her co-operation - the likely diagnosis seemed to be ADD with some significant short term memory problems and problems with executive functioning

Last years foray into getting a new assessment ground to a halt when I started to research the 2 companies who provide assessments locally - one had a huge backlog/waiting list and wasn't providing good follow up and the other wasn't providing any reports at all, according to trust pilot reviews.

So I didn't know how to take it further

There had also been an adult NHS assessment in the pipeline for years and then she didn't attend the appointments

Thank you - I'm pleased to hear that you don't think ADHD would preclude them honoring the job offer

That's the million dollar question - I don't know exactly what she wrote and how her current emotional state will hinder her doing the job - she's still very fragile and tearful at times and overwhelmed with anxiety at least 50% of the time

But they've seen her doing a task and she only had 2 days off work during the break up itself

I've not even mentioned it since - not even obliquely! And I do try my best to treat her as an adult

Thank you for your kind wishes

A few years ago I was working in another part of the UK but she really struggled with that - and she also lived in Europe for a while until her residency got brexited. It would have been better if both those things could have continued.

It's interesting that you use the metaphor of learning to walk because I tell her when she's wanting to give up, how many times she would fall over but would always get up and try again - and succeeded in the end

Honestly ADHD might not stop her getting the job. But lying on an occupational health form definitely will do. Which is exactly what she has done if she is saying she has it with no diagnosis.

I work in HR and see medical forms all the time, we have many employees with ADHD, anxiety, depression and a whole host of other conditions so try not to worry too much that this means they'll pull the job offer. In fact if they did pull the offer they'd be on shaky ground as she could potentially have a claim for disability discrimination. We (as an employer) just need to know if there is anything that may affect them in their role, if they take medication that has side effects we need to know about, if we need to make our First Aiders aware etc.

If she doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD though I'd encourage her to let them know that, but that she's pursuing a diagnosis. I'd be more worried about having been seen to lie on an occ health form than the actual content of an occ health form if you see what I mean.

I don't think it would necessarily prevent a job offer or opportunity at all unless there are reasons it means she cannot safely perform a required role for a specific reason. I suppose what I would observe is that if she is saying she has ADHD and accommodations would therefore need to be made for that, or if any are expected or required now or in the future (eg if she were to go off sick even) then she is going to require evidence that she is diagnosed with it, or notes from the effect from her GP if that condition is implicated. Should it come to light that she has no such diagnosis but is alleging she does on documents then it is difficult to see that being viewed positively.

I would think it would be better to state she is pursuing that diagnosis, and then do so, than it would be to self diagnose and dishonestly declare a condition she cannot support with her medical records.

I agree @Somanycats it would be of concern if she were deliberately attempting to mislead Occ Health

Tho' she actually believes it to be true so not actually lying?

Thank you for reassuring me that these conditions are not uncommon on medical forms. I've looked at some of the legislation on disability discrimination online and rather confused myself as the examples explored seemed to be of more serious mental illness eg bi-polar disorder and not applicable.

She definitely doesn't have a formal diagnosis of ADHD [see previous post] but believes she does - she has the very detailed Ed Psych Report from 2009 which suggests ADD etc and requiring further assessment

If she approaches me again wanting to talk about it I'll offer again to get a private assessment for her

Thank you @dontgobaconmyheart as I said above she's not seeking to deliberately mislead tho' I can see that it could potentially get complicated if she were to take time off as all her GP knows is that he tried to arrange an assessment 4-5 years ago which came to nothing and. all previous concerns had been with school.

I do hope she comes to talk to me about before Friday so that we can make some plans regarding getting a formal diagnosis

You can't 'fail' and occ health assessment - the point is to identity what support she might need and what adjustments the company might need to consider to support her wellbeing.

But depending on the content of her submission - they could ask for consent to contact her GP to discuss any diagnosis in more detail to ensure the right support recommendations are made. This might be difficult if the GP doesn't recognise or declare a diagnosis of ADHD.

So she shouldn't have lied...it's not world ending but it's immature and naive as to how this information is used

Of course they may not feel the need to speak to her GP and might not request this consent.

Unless she did get a diagnosis and for some reason never told you.