Toxic, gossipy school - normal?

[AFriendToEveryoneIsAFriendToNoOne]

My DS is in year 3. He goes to a small, very rural primary (110 or so children) and as time goes on I am really noticing what a gossipy place it is. He's my first child so I really don't know if this is normal or not, if I should continue to ignore, or do something about it. Like report it, but I don't actually have any proof so I probably can't anyway. I don't really mix with other parents too much. We're all on friendly terms and have had the odd cuppa at a playdate over the last few years but that's about it.

When I say gossip I don't mean the usual parent chit chat. It is a bit cliquey, but what you'd expect at such a small place. It does seem to have a higher than normal amount of mums (it's mostly mums, a handful of dads) that drop off and pick up and can stand around chatting for half hour at a time than I've heard of at other places.

What I'm becoming increasingly uncomfortable with is the level of detail and type of things that people know about other families and children. Most of the support staff at the school are also parents, or good friends with some parents. I don't want to give details in case it's outing but some of the stuff that's gossiped about/known about has so obviously come from people that work there chatting to their mates off the record.

What would you do as a parent? Or what do teachers think? Would you want this mentioned to the head or am I better just keeping my head down/beak out? It also worries me that if anything sensitive ever happens with our family/my child then it won't be kept secret as it should be!

‘Report it’ ??

Are you kidding?

Did you read my post?

Not parents just gossiping, but that they're gossiping about sensitive information that has very obviously come from support staff who are also parents/friends of parents.

I don't know. Maybe I am being a knob. It makes me really uncomfortable though and I really hate the idea of such lax standards of confidentiality. The teachers and head are great, generally.

I think what you are experiencing is 'people'. People are interested in other people and the lives they lead, why they do the things they do etc. That's why soaps and reality tv is so popular.

I suggest if it's not for you, a big smile, wave and then go about your business. Simple.

I live in a village with a small school around 80 kids on roll and it's central to the community. My kids go to school out of village for exactly the reasons you've said - cliquey overly familiar

I’d just stay out of it and unfortunately you will have to bear this in mind if there ever is an issue impacting your child. It sucks but people gossip and that includes teachers and school staff.

A family member of mine was a school counsellor and she had a child attend her school who was the child of an infamous murderer. The child’s name had been changed and the only people who were aware of the situation were the Head Teacher and my family member. Within days the entire school knew who the child was and they had to move schools again. My family member was so frustrated that it was obvious it was the Head Teacher who had been indiscreet yet nothing was done and the poor child suffered.

The way of the world is this, you can only make your own choices but you cannot influence other people's.
Accept that in a small environment like this, it's inevitable and the only thing you can do is attempt to move schools if it's a deal breaker for you.

Sometimes the gossip comes from the top. The precedent is usually set / maintained from up high.

Sounds like village life rather than the school per se. Everyone knows everything. It will apply to people without school kids too, I bet.

People who know each other talking for half an hour doesn't strike me as unusual or cliquey to be honest.

If it's the sort of place where people are regularly in each other's business, do you know that it's come from school staff Vs the parents themselves on the parent grapevine?

Discussing sensitive stuff at the school gates would be enough for me to keep a healthy distance between me and the gossips, but you need more than "I heard some parents gossiping" to complain to the school.

Thanks for your views everyone.

I'd be amazed if it was coming from the top. The head and class teachers are not local (I don't actually know where they live, but they don't live in the village or the surrounding ones). Maybe the big town a drive away. The handful of office and support staff are, in the main, locals and parents/or friends of.

There are probably five examples I could think of since Christmas where I've heard things that I shouldn't have. Specifics. It wouldn't have been from the involved parents gossiping, because they're not things that they'd like people to know about, plus they don't know that people are talking about it/them!

But I expect you're all right. Head down is probably most sensible. I don't want to annoy people. I just hope that we never have anything happen or need discretion because I don't think we will get it.

If you're happy that the nature of the topics you've heard discussed is highly likely to be informed wrongly shared beyond school, you could contact the head for a meeting, say that you've overheard quite specific details on about specific families and the following topics (list them). Hedge it as you know Town/Village is a small community and people do talk quite openly, but given the nature of some of the topics and that the people concerned seem to have no idea, as a parent of the school you felt quite uncomfortable that the information might have been shared from school staff.

That way you're not being accusatory it's up to the head what they want to do with that information.

Ime the best thing to do is cultivate a non-gossippy persona and people will stop gossiping with you and you won't have to feel uncomfortable.

I used to work in a very gossipy school and knew everything about colleagues and parents - it was a toxic workplace - and then when I changed school I vowed to keep my head down and never gossip. I thought I'd struggle to make friends but actually people feel safer around a non-gossipper.

When people try to gossip with me I just play dumb "Sarah who? Which one is she again?" Or pretend to misunderstand the gist of the story or misremember the context etc. And people quickly gave up trying to gossip with me.

It would be a sackable offence at my children’s school. So yes, tell the SLT.

you can only make your own choices but you cannot influence other people's.

This! Quote of the day.

My oldest child went to preschool at a school like this. Other parents knew better than me how she was getting on and would comment to me...

We sent her to a different, bigger school (still single-class years) and it was so much better. There were other reasons, but the over-involved was part of our decision-making.

Bit shocked at the responses on here to be honest. If you have specific examples of information that you have heard that you believe is sensitive and leaked from school staff then of course you should report it. It's a massive breach of trust, safeguarding issue etc. I wouldn't trust that school with my child in case something sensitive about them got leaked to other parents.

Sounds like it's the support staff.
I guess you can:
a) maintain complete discretion about your children's lives and never gossip yourself
Or
b) put your kids in a different school further away
Or
c) Let the Head know, as a PP said

If you're certain that this could only have come from school staff, then yes, you should ask for a meeting with the head.

At my school it was made absolutely clear that confidentiality is all, and that no privileged information should ever be discussed outside the workplace. Our head would take any breach very seriously, and if one of my TAs had breached a child or parents confidentiality I'd have been absolutely furious. Privacy matters.

It has come from staff. It must've, there is no way you'd share some of these things with other school parents and some things are in school things that have gone on or been said.

Which specific member of staff I couldn't pinpoint because it could be one or it could be a bit of a cultural thing there and be all of them. I suspect it comes from one place that knows all and disseminates via classroom support staff who are parents too, but it's not up to me to find out.

I'd hate to lose someone their job though.

And those saying 'don't gossip', I don't. I'm friendly and polite, pass the time of day with people and what it all starts getting a bit chatty I get off. I work with GDPR (not specifically, but I need to be mindful of data security around personal information in all aspects of my job) so it's something I'm conscious of without even considering the safeguarding aspect.

This is what bothers me also I think. It's the trust aspect. Anything between me, my child and the school should be private and not leave the staff. Medical, safeguarding, whatever.

Luckily nothing had ever happened that's affected my family that is sensitive (we are incredibly standard and boring which is a nice thing to be really!) but should it ever, I just don't feel confident that the gates and village wouldn't be rife with it.

Moving my child isn't an option. He's happy and settled, this is my only gripe. It's a lovely school overall and he's doing well there. The teachers are great. So are the support staff, with the children.

It's also really hard because I know they struggle to recruit support staff. It's not a great location, awful to get to in the winter by car and you really can't walk it as the roads are unlit and without footpaths. Most support staff seem to understandably prefer to work in the big town twenty minutes drive from here.

They'd not employ parents of children at the school as support staff out of choice I'm sure. Adverts for teaching assistants always run for ages and nearly always they end up with a school mum filling the position.

You have a dilemma, OP. x

I work in a small school in a village. My head won’t hire parents because she’s understandably concerned about lines being blurred. As a staff, we are careful to maintain a friendly distance from parents . I would hate to work in a place with blurry lines. I think our parents are a bit gossipy but it’s only natural. I don’t think you should worry about any indiscretion or gossip about your own child until it actually happens. You’re halfway through and don’t seem to have had any problems so far.

This is the problem with small worlds like this - where everyone knows each others’ business. If you’ve got absolutely solid examples of information that could only have come from support stuff then have a word with the school, but if you don’t then it just sounds an unfortunate side effect of the environment you’ve chosen to live in. Are there any other school options available to you?

I think there’s a difference between ‘did you hear about little Ottoline throwing a tantrum when Y4 got to have lunch first. My little Mirabelle was next to her’ sort of gossip, and ‘did you know school have made a MASH report about Augustus’.

I think the first is very common. The second is not, and shouldn’t be.