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Original poster

How do you make your DC be on time?!

42 replies

Londono · 06/03/2023 16:23

Both of my DC, Year 7 and Year 10, drive me bonkers with their tardiness. I get them up in plenty of time (or they set alarms, either way) and I tell them what time we need to leave but invariably one or the other will be late being ready to get out of the door for school/activities - whatever. It completely stresses me out as I hate being late.

I could just let them miss whatever is planned - sometimes it is sporting fixtures they are due to
play in, but sometimes it is medical appointments etc which are obviously harder to miss. If they miss the school bus then I have to drive them (no way of them getting to school otherwise) which makes me late for work as it is out of my way. This turns me into shouty mum and I HATE it.

I'd like to crack it, I have tried threats (no party if you miss the school bus etc) but that doesn't seem to change their behaviour although it was just chance they didn't miss the bus that day. I could ask them to be ready for an earlier time but I could see them pushing it as they know we don't need
to leave until 8.45am or whatever.
DS is particularly bad and will disappear for the world's longest poo or just generally dawdle, DD is better as she at least tries to be on time but often doing hair and makeup!

Advice/tips needed please.

OP posts:
CBAironing · 06/03/2023 16:57

I’d let them suffer the consequences of being late and stop rescuing them. Get yourself off to work. The message will soon hit home.

Taswama · 06/03/2023 16:59

I definitely wouldn’t be taking them to school if they miss the bus!

Xiaoxiong · 06/03/2023 17:01

Having had a serious meltdown at my kids this morning, I am watching with interest. I feel like all I do is nag, nag, nag and everyone is in a foul mood within the first half hour of the day. I can't wait to never have to do school runs ever again.

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MushMonster · 06/03/2023 17:04

Oh dear! This is for me the hardest parenting bit of all times.
I still struggle at times, she is a young adult now.
It has been on since she was a little little thing. I shouted, dressed her and got her out myself, took away phones, did not take her to whatever activity..... you name it.
Now I have a job where I am not around in the morning, so she is in charge of getting herself up, ready and make it to school on time. She is always there on time. If she is a bit behind, vety rarely, she will book a taxi out of her own money. She is also ok for gymnastics and piano.
I think what finally did it was that she was 100% responsible for herself.
Even the waking up late that teens have is rather sorted. She is awake at 7 am, more than 15 min before she gets dressed.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 17:29

@Xiaoxiong "I am watching with interest. I feel like all I do is nag, nag, nag and everyone is in a foul mood within the first half hour of the day."

Same! I warn them 'I don't want to shout so move it but it is like they don't give a damn until I shout'

I have been tempted to sit down calmly with a book until they finally get themselves sorted but I'd find it hard to be calm when they are late for an activity I'm paying for.

OP posts:
CBAironing · 06/03/2023 18:22

Stop paying for activities till they show they can be on time then. They are old enough to understand. It’s really not that hard. They learn nothing when you swoop in every time and they’ll turn into careless adults outraged when their boss tells them off for being late because they never learnt any consequences.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:34

I do agree with some consequences but they'd lose their places in their sports teams if I stopped paying and I'd find that very hard to do for the sake of 5-10 minutes. I struggle with how disrespectful I find their behaviour towards me too - I cannot seem to get them (mostly DS) to have any urgency.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:37

I have left mine in the past.

DS is 10 and he was deliberately faffing about not getting ready for school. Its a 20 min walk, I said "if you're not at this door ready by the time I count to 3, I'm going to work and you're going to have to walk" He missed the deadline so I left him.

DH works from home so DS was asking him for a lift. DH backed me up and made him walk.

He's never been late again.

DD also messes about with hair and make up, she's 16. If she's late, she's late, although on occasion i have given her a lift if she has a legitimate reason. Usually she's not late though.

Your 2 are old enough to sort themselves out if they're messing up your schedule. I'd tell them tonight that if they're late 2m, you're gonna leave them, so they need to have a plan if they're not ready.

Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:40

With regard to the sports teams, I'd start docking them phone time. So, for every minute they're late to practise, they lose 10 mins of phone time. And just make sure you take the phones off them once you've said it.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:41

I agree with your approach @Dacadactyl but mine are often late for lifts with me taking them somewhere at the weekend etc so I don't need to be anywhere else. DS does not care about arriving late at school, DD does at least.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 06/03/2023 18:44

You will need to leave them to it and suffer the consequences of their actions. No amount of shouting and cajoling will make them get out the door on time. They're old enough now. Let them see what happens in the real world when you can't be bothered to move yourself.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:44

@Dacadactyl Yes re their phones. I hate how I feel the stress rising in me as the time ticks away too, it often means we can't get parked etc too so it is generally horrid.

OP posts:
carriedout · 06/03/2023 18:45

Londono · 06/03/2023 18:34

I do agree with some consequences but they'd lose their places in their sports teams if I stopped paying and I'd find that very hard to do for the sake of 5-10 minutes. I struggle with how disrespectful I find their behaviour towards me too - I cannot seem to get them (mostly DS) to have any urgency.

You're the cause of the behaviour. Stop enabling/encouraging it.

They will only do it once is my guess.

Say to them they are now responsible for leaving at x time. If they are not in the car at the right time, you won't take them.

Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:45

@Londono I feel that it is rude of them to be expecting you to wait round for them. Like your time is not as important as theirs. It doesn't matter if all you want to do is sit on the sofa and have nowhere to be. You're doing them a favour by giving a lift. I'd give them 2 warnings at the weekend "you need to be ready by midday" and "you have 10 mins to be at this door or you'll be getting the bus or walking" would be the height of the warnings.

If they're not at the door, they have to sort themselves out.

I feel that you are perhaps infantilising rhem a little bit. I know teenagers are selfish and dont think of us mums as people in our own right, but you shoudl work to correct their thoughts on that. Make them work things out for themselves.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:46

@Mojoj So, I should say: 'If you aren't ready to go by 8.30am then I will not be taking you. Even 8.31, 8.32, 8.33?'

OP posts:
carriedout · 06/03/2023 18:47

Londono · 06/03/2023 18:41

I agree with your approach @Dacadactyl but mine are often late for lifts with me taking them somewhere at the weekend etc so I don't need to be anywhere else. DS does not care about arriving late at school, DD does at least.

Tell them 'if you want to go to <activity> we leave at x time. If you're not ready at x time, I'm not taking you'.

It is your responsibility to set boundaries for yourself.

They won't respect you unless you respect yourself.

carriedout · 06/03/2023 18:48

Londono · 06/03/2023 18:46

@Mojoj So, I should say: 'If you aren't ready to go by 8.30am then I will not be taking you. Even 8.31, 8.32, 8.33?'

Yes, exactly.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:48

@Dacadactyl This is exactly how it feels: I feel that it is rude of them to be expecting you to wait round for them. Like your time is not as important as theirs. It doesn't matter if all you want to do is sit on the sofa and have nowhere to be. You're doing them a favour by giving a lift.

The other issue for me is that money is tight and I hate paying for things that get wasted - ie a missed sports fixture.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:48

Londono · 06/03/2023 18:46

@Mojoj So, I should say: 'If you aren't ready to go by 8.30am then I will not be taking you. Even 8.31, 8.32, 8.33?'

100%. Even if they aren't at the door at 8.30am and 1 second.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:50

@Dacadactyl So DS would probably ring my EXDH who would delight in swooping in to rescue him from his big bad mother. Perhaps that underpins my lack of boundaries on this.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:53

@Londono well that complicates things somewhat. However let your ex deal with it then. He will soon get fed up of them too and will start backing you up.

If you get on with your ex, I'd be tempted to call him and let him know what you plan on doing and ask if you can both be on same page. Although I understand it may not be possible, depending on circumstances between you.

Good luck. Teens would try patience of a Saint, but I have found that doing what I said I'd do really helps.

Bookist · 06/03/2023 18:55

I had this with our teenagers. In the end I realised nothing was going to change their behaviour until I changed my behaviour. They assumed that however much I huffed and puffed I would always be their taxi service. They had no urgency because they knew there wasn't actually any urgency. Until the day when I just left for work and left them to it, they were gobsmacked. It took me doing this a couple more times and them getting detention at school and DD losing her much prized prefect status before they finally got the message. I never had any problems after that 😆 And DD won back her prefect badge next term.

A very wise lady told me that people only treat you how you allow them to treat you.

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 18:56

No chance of him being on the same page as me about anything. But that shouldn't stop me implementing consequences for the DC.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:57

That's a shame for you all, however as you say, if you tighten things up with the kids your end and they run to him....its his problem then.

You never know, he might ring you with a similar plan to mine when he's tweaking his hair out about their tardiness in a month or so 😂

Original poster
Londono · 06/03/2023 19:00

@Bookist Good for you! How did she get to school under her own steam? I absolutely need to get more of a backbone on this.

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