How do you make your DC be on time?!

[Londono]

Both of my DC, Year 7 and Year 10, drive me bonkers with their tardiness. I get them up in plenty of time (or they set alarms, either way) and I tell them what time we need to leave but invariably one or the other will be late being ready to get out of the door for school/activities - whatever. It completely stresses me out as I hate being late.

I could just let them miss whatever is planned - sometimes it is sporting fixtures they are due to
play in, but sometimes it is medical appointments etc which are obviously harder to miss. If they miss the school bus then I have to drive them (no way of them getting to school otherwise) which makes me late for work as it is out of my way. This turns me into shouty mum and I HATE it.

I'd like to crack it, I have tried threats (no party if you miss the school bus etc) but that doesn't seem to change their behaviour although it was just chance they didn't miss the bus that day. I could ask them to be ready for an earlier time but I could see them pushing it as they know we don't need
to leave until 8.45am or whatever.
DS is particularly bad and will disappear for the world's longest poo or just generally dawdle, DD is better as she at least tries to be on time but often doing hair and makeup!

Advice/tips needed please.

@Dacadactyl Nope, he has missed planes in the past with his own fluid relationship with time so I don't think I'll get any support there. He has no shame about turning up for anything late, I used to find it so embarrassing.

Then you need to leave them to suffer the natural consequences of their actions/lack of action.

you leave and go to work. They are old enough to work out they will need to find another way to school - pocket money spent on a taxi would focus them.

I also would tell they you need to leave earlier - if your usual time to leave is 8am, tell them you need to be at work earlier now so they can either be in the car with you at 7:45 or they have to make their own way to the bus stop. Remind them at 7:30 you are “about to leave” and then do it.

@Londono can I make you feel slightly better in that you are not alone! It's the Bain of my life and mentally exhausting constantly repeating myself and being the shouty mum

There have to be consequences for being late. Don't commit to any more expenditure on anything such as sporting activities until they have demonstrated improvement for a continued period of time. If you have not booked a summer holiday, don't book one now until timekeeping improves.

Everything must be 100% done, no backing down. An undertaking not a threat.

Good luck.

@ivegotthisyeah I hate, hate, hate it! I hate that I turn into a banshee and I hate that they don't respect me enough to get ready on time and it isn't a one off. I think the only way to get them to understand that I mean it is to do as PP say and to follow through on my threats but I can already picture the fall out from the favoured sport - less so from the other one that they love once they are there.

@Londono I think I'm going to try this too just go without them ( school literally at the bottom of the road) my 10 yr old is the worst but she can walk herself. Tough love I think is needed for me to be a calm mum again before starting a days work 😂 good luck

I knew a teacher who used to count down to when it was time for them to leave with her own child.

So if they were leaving at 2pm she'd remind him that they were leaving at 2pm then at 1.30 she'd say "half hour", "15 minutes", "10 minutes", "5 minutes", come on we're leaving now, walk out and there'd be no dragging of feet because he had fair warning.

This does rely on the parent being a clock watcher and also getting themselves ready to leave, this is where I failed lol

I have a ds, he's in yr 10 at school. In the morning he sets his alarm gets up, makes his own breakfast, gets dressed and then gets himself to school. Both of your kids are very much capable of doing this. If my ds is late for school he suffers the consequences, which would be a detention. As hard as it is to do, and believe me I no it is, you have to make them take responsibility for themselves. I would have a talk with your kids and say from next Monday it will now be up to you to get yourself to school. The sporting events I would say we are Leaving at this time I expect you to be ready if not you don't take them, you could even go to the place the are going to.
You don't need to shout in the mornings cos it won't get you anywhere but I do understand your frustration.
Kids need to learn actions have consequences, and if their action is or being ready on time they have to deal with the consequences of that (being late for school, missing playing in sport etc)

She just had to catch the bus which she was always meant to but often was too late to get to the bus stop on time, so I became the emergency taxi. The first couple of times I just left for work, she then had to catch the later bus and missed her first lesson. I made sure to inform her school exactly why she'd been late and they were actually very supportive. After that she made damned sure she caught the earlier bus.

By making your children learn the consequences of their actions you're teaching them a valuable life skill. I have had too many graduates come to work for me who genuinely didn't realise punctuality mattered. And who couldn't get themselves from point A to point B because Mummy had always taken them everywhere to everything.

I vividly remember how distractable my DS was in his primary years. I literally had to hand his uniform to him item by item and watch him so he didn’t start staring into space or get sidetracked.

In your place I’d remove phones and any other source of digital amusement until they are ready to leave (or after the activity ends); make them aware of time with a countdown, and make sure your own time boundaries are rock solid. They can’t be allowed to make you late for work.

The other thing is, look at the schedule and get real about what can and can’t be fitted in. The sports are great, but do they really want to do them? If yes, fine, but they have to commit and turn up on time; if it turns out the sport is more for you than for them, don’t feel guilty about letting them give up. Our evenings got a lot easier when I ditched DD’s ballet lessons. Build a bit of flexibility into their leisure time with things that can be picked up and dropped as the mood takes them.

Finally (and yes, this is a bit MN cliche, sorry) my DD was eventually diagnosed with inattentive ADHD, which explains why I had to be so sergeant-major with both my DCs when they were growing up. 😂 She has now learned to manage herself very well with the help of specially designed scheduling apps and medication.

Mine are much better since we missed the bus into town and they were frogmarched 50 minutes to their dentist appointment, under threat of paying for it themselves if we missed it.

A long countdown doesn't work for mine 🤷‍♀️

Why is there no other way of them getting to school if they miss the bus? Can't they walk or bike or even pay for a taxi?

Can you plan a week of "conferences" or "training" meaning you have to leave 10 minutes before they would have to leave for the bus? Leave them to it. If they call you in a panic that they've missed it, say you'll text them the school number and they can call and explain.

I wouldn't make them miss fixtures as that's not fair on the rest of the team and I wouldn't engineer it so they miss things I'd paid for. I imagine the largest embarrassment factor, and therefore most successful, will be consequences from school.

Also following for tips!

I haven’t read any replies yet but intend to scroll through them all as I also am interested in this.

I have a school aged child with possible ASD and a toddler who attends nursery. Individually both are great but when they are together I turn into a shouty mum and the guilt consumes me.

The only thing that’s worked for me is ensuring I’m up earlier to do what I need to do and then get them up earlier as well to allow time for tantrums and arguments between them/me.

Time is the only thing that makes me feel pressure and if there’s enough of that then there’s no problem.

On the occasions we are running late it’s been mayhem, especially if I’ve missed the alarm!

I absolutely feel your pain. Y10 and Y8 here. Mornings were very stressful and involved much ineffectual shouting. Nothing worked.

But I've finally cracked it. We've got parental controls on their phones and they are always locked overnight I changed the settings so now they don't unlock automatically - I only unlock them when (if) they are walking out the door completely ready and on time. Literally stopped the nagging and arguments overnight. I am ruthless about it though - one minute late and their phones stay locked for the day. They only needed that lesson once!

Parental controls might be a good idea - then there's no grappling over the phones either.

Exactly. The reason why its proven to be such a genius solution for us is that the consequence of them being late is 100% pain for them (no phone) and 0% extra pain for me (I literally do nothing - I don't even have to spend the 10 seconds it usually takes to switch off the controls).

It's a slightly different situation in that my DC walk to school to I don't have to give them a lift if they're late. But you are having to do that anyway, so the point here is that you are creating some real pain for them, without having to a) shout or b) taking the more drastic option of not taking them to activities.

My Year 5 daughter is hopeless at getting up. At 06:55, I wake her up and get "Five more minutes!" I go back at 07:00 and tell her to get up, then back every few minutes and go, "You're still in bed! Why aren't you dressed? Get your socks, get your phone - no coming back up later."

By about 07:40, she's usually made it downstairs for breakfast and at 08:10, I tell her to get her shoes on. She's usually out of the door by twenty past, which gives her enough time to dawdle on the 12 minute walk.

She won't walk with me and a couple of months ago, she was late, so the next day, I walked with her and and she was in a foul mood. I told her teacher, "Sorry, she's in a foul mood, as I've walked her in, after her being late yesterday. I'll be doing it permanently now."

She had a massive shouty strop, but she hasn't been late since, although I have told her, "Right! I'm taking you RIGHT NOW!"