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Original poster

Here we go again.. grandparents difficult expectations

38 replies

TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 14:49

Bit of a long one, but your comments and thoughts on this are needed! :)

Both me and my husband are close to our respective families. When 6yo was 1 and I went back to work my mum and SIL (alongside MIL) looked after her a day a week each.

At that time I was living close to PIL and when I was on mat leave they expected me to bring her to see them (they worked locally) multiple times a week as well as at weekends & it was a bit much.

Now I’m on mat leave again with DD2 but living a bit further away (30/40 mins drive from both GPs) I try to schedule my week so I can fit in visits with both families, do drop off/pick up at school for the eldest plus run the house - cleaning, cooking, ironing, etc. and also have some time for me with baby and when I can grab a coffee with friends.

But I’ve started to get comments from PIL asking what I do with myself now ‘I’m not working’ and how do I keep myself busy in between DD1 drop off/pick up from school. They haven’t outright said they’re expecting me to drive to them during the week as well as the weekly weekend visit but it’s heavily insinuated. MIL told me after DD2 was born that she doesn’t feel comfortable driving anymore and so can’t come to us. My mum comes to us each week.

Is it unreasonable of me to only visit them once a week while I’m on mat leave?

On top of that, I’m now sorting childcare for when I return to work. My mum has offered to look after DD 2 days a week. She’ll come to us and also do drop off /pick up for DD1 (absolute angel!) my PILs have got wind of this and want to look after DD2 a day a week too, but we’d have to come to them, meaning either me or DH would have to drive through London rush hour to get there making the journey about an hour each way, wfh at their house while the other one also wfh at our house on the same day so we’re able to pick up DD1 from school. I’ve said to DH that this is making our lives harder, a logistical nightmare from work POV and eating into our already stretched time by adding in an extra commute when DD2 could be in our local nursery that day. But PILs will claim I’m trying to stop them spending time with DD2. For the record, they will not come to our house to look after her.

Again, am I being unreasonable here? Should we do the extra commute to keep family happy?

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 06/03/2023 14:51

YANBU and you are doing far too much.

It doesn’t matter what they expect, you do what you’re comfortable with.

CupEmpty · 06/03/2023 14:56

No, that’s ridiculous. Your husband needs to handle it tho.

caramac04 · 06/03/2023 14:58

I wouldn’t do that whatever their expectations, it would be crazy.

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Childcare & nursery Families
PuggyMum · 06/03/2023 14:59

Agree with pp's.

You arrange childcare to work around your needs. Not to make life more difficult.

But it's your DH's parents so let him deal with them!

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 06/03/2023 15:00

That's madness. It's supposed to make your life easier.

No way would I add on that to my day. Put your DD in nursery. It's that simple. If your DH disagrees he can be responsible for facilitating the whole thing. You have zero input.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/03/2023 15:01

I wouldn’t be going to see my in laws every single week if they couldn’t ever be arsed to come to me! Why has she stopped driving?

LadyHarmby · 06/03/2023 15:02

If it’s London, can’t they come to you on public transport?

Roystonv · 06/03/2023 15:03

I am a mil and am often very saddened at what is said about us but in this case it is unreasonable for your in laws to offer help that actually makes things worse for you as a family. I don't think it unreasonable to point out that as they do not drive this has repercussions for you. It has nothing to do with the fact they are in laws and I assume you would say the same if it was your parents in the same situation. With regard to visits during the week you could go instead of the weekend sometimes but they would not see their son. I think once a week is fine at the weekend and you having weekdays for the rest of your activities is fine.

Talipesmum · 06/03/2023 15:03

Not at all unreasonable. You mustn’t commit to that morning and evening drop off miles away - not at all helpful. It’s a shame but it’s totally impractical. Make sure your DH is on side and he must deal with it. And once a week for you to drive over there on ML is a lot, when you’re managing commutes too.

Topseyt123 · 06/03/2023 15:05

You are doing too much here. Put DD2 into the childcare arrangements that suit you and ignore any whinges.

Original poster
TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 15:09

She says that after covid and being at home for so long she doesn’t feel comfortable driving in London anymore so she can’t come to us. She has form for this kind of thing so I know it’s her way of trying to manipulate the situation to suit her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 15:12

Thanks everyone! I am thinking it’s madness but needed the reality check for you all :)

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 06/03/2023 15:13

If the childcare they are able to offer you makes your life more complicated rather than less, it's fine to say no thanks.

Your MIL can't complain about not seeing you more than once a week (which is already a lot by most people's standards) if she isn't willing to travel to you and expects you to do 100% of the work to facilitate it.

Original poster
TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 15:13

*from you all!

OP posts:
RosaBonheur · 06/03/2023 15:14

Also, just seen you are in London.

Your MIL does know there is public transport in London, right? And that it tends to be cheaper and quicker than using a car? She could get on a bus/train/tube to come and see you.

Littlefaeries · 06/03/2023 15:15

Do you really visit pil’s every weekend?
My dd and her dh have busy social lives even with the baby. I wouldn’t expect to see them weekly and I don’t.
I haven’t seen my dgs since Christmas except on FaceTime.

Put some boundaries in.
Enjoy your life as a family of 4.
If the in-laws want to see you then it’s up to them to arrange a visit.
I think you visiting them once a month would be very fair.

WonderingWanda · 06/03/2023 15:16

Just do what suits you op. If mil doesn't want to drive that's fine but she will only see you all on your terms. Wouldn't surprise me if she suddenly starts driving again.

SavBlancTonight · 06/03/2023 15:18

I'm always amazed at how women get themselves into these ridiculous situations that, from the outside, are clearly batshit. I'm not blaming you OP - I blame society and the generally shit way that women are expected to accommodate everyone.

Childcare isn't much help if it involves more work for you and your DH. If she feels strongly that you, as a family, should facilitate more time with her and you, as a family, agree, that's a different conversation.

Next time she asks what you're doing while DD1 is at school, perhaps tell her that you have to ensure you keep all your grooming up to date so you look sexy for her DS. Very time consuming.

Not really. But honestly, why are people so entitled!?

quietnightmare · 06/03/2023 15:18

PIL May argue that you work from home so you don't have to commute so one day a week commute to their house isn't a big ask... be warned for that one

Tell PIL they are more than welcome 1 day a week to get the train/bus to you house and take DD out for the day

SheilaFentiman · 06/03/2023 15:27

It’s a flat no to the childcare, that doesn’t work. Traffic, but also, I bet they would disturb DH whilst he worked to come for a coffee etc.

I say DH because, if this batshit plan happens, he definitely needs to be the one there.

Original poster
TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 15:35

@RosaBonheur they are very stuck in their ways. Expect everyone to go to them. They would never get public transport or a taxi here!

@SavBlancTonight you’re absolutely right. Before kids I really put my foot down with a lot of this stuff that went on with them - too much to go into on here, but after kids tried to accommodate but you and all PPs are right, for my DH to deal with and manage their expectations.

DD will be going to nursery! Thanks all! Just needed the sense check x

OP posts:
Mary46 · 06/03/2023 15:42

Op be careful or you be run ragged.... I would say no. You have factor in traffic too across London. My mam used presume I was coming fridays after work. I said no. Rat race of traffic. It be saturday.

Sleepless1096 · 06/03/2023 15:46

I wouldn't be driving to see them once a week. That's quite difficult to shoehorn into a school day and sort naps/feeds etc., then rush to pick up your eldest. I'd offer once a fortnight, plus one weekend visit a month. Or they're welcome to come to you.

And the childcare suggestion is definitely unreasonable.

Why do you feel that you need to contort yourself to keep everyone happy when you're doing the lion's share of caring for 2 young children? Give yourself a bit of slack so you have more energy to give to them.

neitherofthem · 06/03/2023 15:52

TabbyMcTatty · 06/03/2023 15:09

She says that after covid and being at home for so long she doesn’t feel comfortable driving in London anymore so she can’t come to us. She has form for this kind of thing so I know it’s her way of trying to manipulate the situation to suit her.

If she's fond of manipulation, throw one back in her direction.

After all if she loved her grandchildren enough, she would make the effort to come and see them. 😉

tedgran · 06/03/2023 15:55

Oh, ffs, if they're in London and over 60 public transport is free. I'm a MIL and Granny, some of the older people's attitude to their families are totally unacceptable. If they cba to come to you they'll have to miss out, it's all due to their stubbornness.

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