Here we go again.. grandparents difficult expectations

[TabbyMcTatty]

Bit of a long one, but your comments and thoughts on this are needed! :)

Both me and my husband are close to our respective families. When 6yo was 1 and I went back to work my mum and SIL (alongside MIL) looked after her a day a week each.

At that time I was living close to PIL and when I was on mat leave they expected me to bring her to see them (they worked locally) multiple times a week as well as at weekends & it was a bit much.

Now I’m on mat leave again with DD2 but living a bit further away (30/40 mins drive from both GPs) I try to schedule my week so I can fit in visits with both families, do drop off/pick up at school for the eldest plus run the house - cleaning, cooking, ironing, etc. and also have some time for me with baby and when I can grab a coffee with friends.

But I’ve started to get comments from PIL asking what I do with myself now ‘I’m not working’ and how do I keep myself busy in between DD1 drop off/pick up from school. They haven’t outright said they’re expecting me to drive to them during the week as well as the weekly weekend visit but it’s heavily insinuated. MIL told me after DD2 was born that she doesn’t feel comfortable driving anymore and so can’t come to us. My mum comes to us each week.

Is it unreasonable of me to only visit them once a week while I’m on mat leave?

On top of that, I’m now sorting childcare for when I return to work. My mum has offered to look after DD 2 days a week. She’ll come to us and also do drop off /pick up for DD1 (absolute angel!) my PILs have got wind of this and want to look after DD2 a day a week too, but we’d have to come to them, meaning either me or DH would have to drive through London rush hour to get there making the journey about an hour each way, wfh at their house while the other one also wfh at our house on the same day so we’re able to pick up DD1 from school. I’ve said to DH that this is making our lives harder, a logistical nightmare from work POV and eating into our already stretched time by adding in an extra commute when DD2 could be in our local nursery that day. But PILs will claim I’m trying to stop them spending time with DD2. For the record, they will not come to our house to look after her.

Again, am I being unreasonable here? Should we do the extra commute to keep family happy?

She sounds very manipulative and yanbu.

Utter loon.

I do understand the getting more nervous to drive post covid- my mum was the same. But she didn’t think that gave her the right to shove more driving onto me!

Seeing your child once a week us already far too often. For most grandparents it would be once every 2 or 3 months. So just say "no" and keep saying it!

I'd cut down on the weekend visits too. When do you have time to just relax and do what you want together as a family? If she's going to be pissed off anyway you might as well organise the rest of your time as you would like it and let her get all the complaints out in one go!

It's easy to get dragged into these kinds of arrangements after you have kids but at some point you have to be able to live your life without accommodating everyone else's demands.

Your dh can tell them that now you have 2 kids you have more demands on your time and don't have as much time and energy to travel to them every weekend

YANBU - when you have a baby and small kids everyone should come to you (unless they are close by and you can pop over!). End of. My friends came to visit me when I had my baby and when mine were older and more mobile and my friends had babies I went to them to visit. My parents came to me to visit unless I chose to go to them but they all knew and remembered how hard this period is so bent over backwards to help. It doesn’t last long in the grand scheme of things but it is a time when you have the right to be selfish with your time.

Well then they will have to accept that if they are stuck in their ways and refuse to do simple things, they will miss out.

The only way to make them reconsider being stuck in their ways is for them to suffer negative consequences. As long as you continue to pander to their behaviour, they have no incentive to change it.

She doesn’t feel comfortable driving in London anymore so she can’t come to us.

Tell her you and DH feel the same way about driving through London. What a bummer.

Can you close it down with such a shame you can't come to us but us coming over to you on a work day is just not practical.

You could end it there or say...

What WOULD be really helpful however, is for you to take older DD during the school holidays sometimes. You'd be a lifesaver.

Then when Younger DD is at nursery older one could be dropped at gps early evening post rush hour. Have a sleepover and then be looked after there for 1/2 days. As school hols are a genuine pain.

If they decline-that's on them! You haven't refused contact you offered alternatives and they declined due to inflexibility.

Please spend your mat leave doing whatever the hell you want and need to and not feeling beholden to anyone.

@TabbyMcTatty :
Now I’m on mat leave again with DD2 but living a bit further away (30/40 mins drive from both GPs) I try to schedule my week so I can fit in visits with both families, do drop off/pick up at school for the eldest plus run the house - cleaning, cooking, ironing, etc. and also have some time for me with baby and when I can grab a coffee with friends.
Completely unnecessary to be doing all of the running around.
You're on maternity leave, not run-around-after-all-extended-family leave.

But I’ve started to get comments from PIL asking what I do with myself now ‘I’m not working’ and how do I keep myself busy in between DD1 drop off/pick up from school. They haven’t outright said they’re expecting me to drive to them during the week as well as the weekly weekend visit but it’s heavily insinuated. MIL told me after DD2 was born that she doesn’t feel comfortable driving anymore and so can’t come to us.
In relation to the comments - answer "I'm terribly busy. Looking after two kids is definitely more energy consuming, along with keeping house. I'm finding all of the driving terribly tiring. It's such a shame that you no longer feel comfortable driving as I'll probably have to cut back on the journeys as I'm really not spending the quality time with DC1 and DC2 that I should. Maternity leave goes by in a flash!"

My mum comes to us each week.
This is nice but shouldn't be held against you.

Is it unreasonable of me to only visit them once a week while I’m on mat leave?
Nope. I honestly think this time once a fortnight or once every 3 weeks would be enough. If they want more, they do some of the travelling while they can.

On top of that, I’m now sorting childcare for when I return to work. My mum has offered to look after DD 2 days a week. She’ll come to us and also do drop off /pick up for DD1 (absolute angel!) my PILs have got wind of this and want to look after DD2 a day a week too, but we’d have to come to them, meaning either me or DH would have to drive through London rush hour to get there making the journey about an hour each way, wfh at their house while the other one also wfh at our house on the same day so we’re able to pick up DD1 from school.
Not a runner for you. Doesn't matter if your parent(s) are helping you out, the logistics just don't allow this to happen. If they wanted to travel to your place, that might work but as they have decided against it, you've decided against their offer too.

I’ve said to DH that this is making our lives harder, a logistical nightmare from work POV and eating into our already stretched time by adding in an extra commute when DD2 could be in our local nursery that day. But PILs will claim I’m trying to stop them spending time with DD2. For the record, they will not come to our house to look after her.
The bit in bold there is key. They won't travel to you. That is your get out of jail free card. If only they would consider it, you might meet them half way (so to speak)

Again, am I being unreasonable here? Should we do the extra commute to keep family happy?
Absolutely not unreasonable. Don't do the extra commute.

I realise that the thread has moved on since I started replying to your post but if they just refuse to travel, then you shouldn't feel forced to either.

I am in a similar position re childcare options, but we've agreed it's just not feasible. The drive in the traffic plus petrol to get there and back every week, nursery is just the easiest option. Not to mention baby obviously falling asleep on the way home and screwing up bedtime. It's just not practical, they need to come to you if they wanna help.

None of what they're offering is about helping - only about getting what they perceive to be 'their share' of access, while completely ignoring that your own parents are travelling to you and actually helping!
No one is owed your time or your weekends.

Children are not parcels to be handed around for the benefit of assorted relatives.