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Original poster

Why do men think you want to be hit on at the gym?

75 replies

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 08:03

I am a regular gym goer (3-5 times per week). Twice in the last week I have been hit on by men in the weights section. Yesterday a man interrupted me MID SET to take out my headphones to compliment me on how good I looked and ask what I was training for. Apparently the answer “my upcoming wedding” was not enough to deter him and he continued to try to make conversation with me.

This is not the first time this has happened but twice in the last week as really pissed me off. Do men actually think this is a good way to meet women?

Sorry just a rant really!

OP posts:
Dredel · 03/03/2023 09:23

PoshCoffee · 03/03/2023 09:20

As a middle aged women in the gym I experience sexism in different ways. I’m completely invisible to any man younger than me in the free weight area. They’ll get in my way, move into my personal space when I’m training, block my access. One twat thinks he’s on a live reel and drops the Olympic bar onto the floor from a great height like he’s just completed a world breaking lift. I’ve asked him politely to stop or use the cushions but he ignored me. So the male staff asked him. He stops. Twat.
Some of the teenagers just stand right next to me chatting to each other when I’m on the bench.
They do not do this to any of the men and it pisses me right off .
But going back to the OP, complain! He shouldn’t be touching you. He’s a twat too!

Yes! I have this too. Completely invisible. The most classic was when I lowered the bar back into the holder and a guy literally started putting heavier weights on even though I was laying there about to do another set of reps!

RudsyFarmer · 03/03/2023 09:26

‘My upcoming wedding’ made me laugh, and he still didn’t take the hint? That’s some thick skin he’s got there!

Lurkingandlearning · 03/03/2023 09:32

I might be a bit OTT saying this but personally I’m very reluctant to stand up for myself when men are deliberately being at best irritating, worse intimidating. You may be in a safe space to do so inside the gym if the management of that particular gym will back you up (not all will). But you have to leave at some point and some of these arseholes will hang around just to make sure you know they are not to be challenged by a woman.

Clymene · 03/03/2023 09:34

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 08:32

@Clymene my fiancé said I should report them as well. It makes him quite cross that I can’t just get on with exercising in peace. I said to him I couldn’t see the point though because of the plausible deniability of “just being nice”.

“I was only asking if she needed help carrying something”
“I was only being friendly”
”I was only paying a compliment”

etc etc

It's not 'just being nice' to take a stranger's earbud out so that you can talk to them is it though? It's assault.

You made it very clear you weren't interested and yet he persisted.

Please, please report him.

MsMartini · 03/03/2023 09:35

I'm middle aged, and keen gym goer. The only issue I've had was a man being sexist to me in a class and staff took it very seriously. The behaviour you describe would not have been acceptable at any of the gyms I've belonged to and staff would have backed you up if you'd wanted to get them involved.

One of my gyms was a very sociable place and people did make friends, and relationships, there. But by starting to chat when both parties up for it and NEVER mid-set!! It had the space and set-up where that worked OK. MY current gym is small and crowded and I have noticed the men are mostly careful to give women space, while being helpful and polite.

Felix125 · 03/03/2023 09:38

You need to complain and be allowed to train in peace without harassment. Its not a big ask to expect this.

This was raised the other day on TV and if there should be times set aside in gyms which should be women only. The only problem with this is, do male gym members get a discount on their fees?

Its similar if parts of the gym and not accessible to men

SavBlancTonight · 03/03/2023 09:45

There is a small silver lining here, if you can bring yourself to call it that - him physically removing your headphones to talk to you means that there is NO WAY for him to claim, "I was just being nice/friendly/helpful". I would 100% report this. Because if he is THIS blatant, I'd actually genuinely consider this man a proper threat vs just the many many men who are annoying and obnoxious at gyms.

MidnightMeltdown · 03/03/2023 09:47

Well I know someone who met their long term partner at the gym, so sometimes it clearly works!

How did men meet women before online dating? I assume that they just approached them while they were out and about.

LoobyDop · 03/03/2023 09:52

ShiverOfSharks · 03/03/2023 08:46

They don't think about what you want at all. All they think about is what they want.

This.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 10:00

Because men want to be hit on at the gym.

Most men get hit on very rarely, if at all. I'm a reasonably attractive man, (well, I was in my younger days) and I can think of maybe 4 times in my life where I've been hit on by a woman out of the blue. That's only one more time than I've been hit on by another man!

When something happens that rarely, it's an ego boost, it feels nice and you don't see it as an inconvenience.

I had a lot of female friends in my early twenties, so saw just how often they had to put up with unwanted attention etc, but I think most men really don't understand how often women have to put up with this crap, and think that they'll go chat up this woman because who doesn't like being chatted up?

Original poster
Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 10:00

@MidnightMeltdown i have never really understood meeting someone out and about. Like on tv when someone approaches someone at a coffee shop or on the bus. It always feels like harassment to me.

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 03/03/2023 10:02

SavBlancTonight · 03/03/2023 09:45

There is a small silver lining here, if you can bring yourself to call it that - him physically removing your headphones to talk to you means that there is NO WAY for him to claim, "I was just being nice/friendly/helpful". I would 100% report this. Because if he is THIS blatant, I'd actually genuinely consider this man a proper threat vs just the many many men who are annoying and obnoxious at gyms.

This. Even if he didn't actually remove them himself (makes me shudder), there's no way that approaching you when you were busy working out and demanding that you take your earphones out can be interpreted as being nice, friendly or helpful. Your fiancé should stand up for you OP, not say things like that which discourage you from defending yourself against men who harass you.

Original poster
Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 10:02

@MidnightMeltdown also there is a difference between meeting someone at the gym eg. You do a class together and have a reason to talk, you bump into each other regularly overtime and begin talking that way compared to randomly approaching someone you like the look of

OP posts:
FeinCuroxiVooz · 03/03/2023 10:02

MidnightMeltdown · 03/03/2023 09:47

Well I know someone who met their long term partner at the gym, so sometimes it clearly works!

How did men meet women before online dating? I assume that they just approached them while they were out and about.

Maybe gyms should have some tabards (like those used in Netball) printed saying "yes I am here to pull" and if you would welcome approaches from people who are viewing you as a potential sexual partner you put one on, and if you don't put one on then everyone assumes that you are there to exercise and that they should respect your right to do the activity of your choice without their unwelcome interference.

Original poster
Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 10:02

@FictionalCharacter my fiancé wants me to report them!

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 03/03/2023 10:03

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 08:51

@CherryBlossom321 are you actually brave enough to say that? I would love to but I’m worried about the confrontation

Practice - even if its to a mirror. Look for online training in assertiveness/speaking confidently or whatever name is currently in vogue. You are under no obligation to respect the feelings or "be nice" to oafs who harass you.

When I rule the world assertiveness training for girls will be core curriculum.

Original poster
Talkingtomyhouseplants · 03/03/2023 10:04

@FeinCuroxiVooz yes I love this idea. When I was a student I remember there being “traffic light parties” where everyone got a glow stick:

  • red - definitely not interested
  • Yellow - open to conversation but not looking
  • green - i would like to have sex tonight
OP posts:
BlingLoving · 03/03/2023 10:07

Yesterday a man interrupted me MID SET to take out my headphones to compliment me on how good I looked and ask what I was training for.

Quite honestly, I don't know why you wouldn't report this. If it was me, I'd probably start screaming at him on the spot and then would probably lose all credibility, so don't do me. But he basically touched you in an inappropriate way. I'd be livid.

Thestresssolution · 03/03/2023 10:07

I didn't get the impression the bloke took the earbuds out himself? OP needs to clarify.

Thestresssolution · 03/03/2023 10:07

I'm not defending his behavior before anyone starts btw

FictionalCharacter · 03/03/2023 10:08

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 10:00

Because men want to be hit on at the gym.

Most men get hit on very rarely, if at all. I'm a reasonably attractive man, (well, I was in my younger days) and I can think of maybe 4 times in my life where I've been hit on by a woman out of the blue. That's only one more time than I've been hit on by another man!

When something happens that rarely, it's an ego boost, it feels nice and you don't see it as an inconvenience.

I had a lot of female friends in my early twenties, so saw just how often they had to put up with unwanted attention etc, but I think most men really don't understand how often women have to put up with this crap, and think that they'll go chat up this woman because who doesn't like being chatted up?

It's time men got the message. They don't listen to women telling them we hate this, but what would work is men like yourself telling them. It's only men who have the power to sort out men. There are a few men out there on Twitter and the like who are trying their best to get the message across.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 10:15

FictionalCharacter · 03/03/2023 10:08

It's time men got the message. They don't listen to women telling them we hate this, but what would work is men like yourself telling them. It's only men who have the power to sort out men. There are a few men out there on Twitter and the like who are trying their best to get the message across.

Show quote history

I agree completely. I'm not one for twitter, but I'll happily call out the sad sacks at the pub who are hitting on the bar maid when she's just trying to work, or the younger guys at work who get all excited at the prospect of a new woman joining the company (I work in software, it is not a female heavy industry)

TalliskerMcSpeculate · 03/03/2023 10:27

And of course if you break off mid set to go and find someone to report it, some other bugger will have nicked your spot when you come back.

I'm an invisible middle aged fat woman so I don't get hit on, but I do get rolly eyes from some blokes. Obviously fat women shouldn't be exercising in public to tone up and lost weight 🙄

TalliskerMcSpeculate · 03/03/2023 10:29

*lose

SavBlancTonight · 03/03/2023 10:33

But why can't men understand when is and is not appropriate? Back in my young, single, fit days, as a regular gym goer, there would have been times and moments appropriate for being chatted up and times that weren't. For example, you see a guy, possibly more than once, you make eye contact a few times etc. The signals are there and then perhaps you get chatting as you wait for a machine or at the water cooler or afterwards in the cafe. That's a completely different thing to being completely in your own world, focused on your workout and someone coming and getting in your face to chat you up.

And I don't understand why this is so difficult for so many men. There's always this faux outrage, "well, how are we supposed to know when our advances will be welcomed?!" when really, 90% of the population do in fact know when it's appropriate vs when it's not and the 10% who don't are making it awful for everyone else.