Actually think I might be having some kind of stress induced breakdown

[VannyandZ]

Obviously I’m not because I can post on here but I’m not right

Stress from work (NHS) has always been high but the last month I don’t think I can take it anymore.

I wake up in the night thinking about work, I feel sick when I wake up in the morning, I’ve come home from work today and my hands are trembling which I can’t stop. Every waking minute of the day is taken up with people asking me for something, telling me x/y/z isn’t good enough, a consultant absolutely spoke to me like shit today and nobody said a thing it’s so normalised. I have 7 meetings back to back tomorrow and my phone and email will be going off the whole time without letting up. Absolutely no support from my manager, no 1-1 for over 4 months. Upset patients, upset team, strikes, covid, not one word of encouragement or support from anyone. I cannot remember the last time anyone said thank you for anything or even a kind word.

I can’t calm down tonight, I’ve showered had a glass of wine and I’m just lying in bed trembling all down my arms

The car crash resonates with me so much. So many teachers have picked their tree, the one they consider just enough to injure them enough so the pain stops for a while. I imagine the NHS pressures are very similar. You need to get signed off and you need to be honest with work about how you are feeling. They have a duty of care to you and they are letting you down.

This is awful for you. You really need time off to recover, and then start looking for a different job. I know all jobs can be stressful, buy this level stress is very bad for you, and not sustainable. Look for something else, please. You have had enough.

I also rarely take a sick day and work very long hours 6 or 7 days a week in a job where it's not normalised to take time off.

However, last year I decided to take a sick day when ill. I've done it a few times now. Just a day or two at a time. Nothing bad happened. I still got good reviews and a contract extension.

It was going to therapy once every two weeks for a year (£35 over zoom) that changed my view of it.

I'm still always tired but not as resentful. I'd rather take a sick day when I need it than change jobs, which is what I used to do.

I was in a similar position last Nov. GP was helpful. I self certed for a week then GP gave me another 2 weeks.
You really can not pour from an empty cup.
If you are unable to take care of yourself then you are unable to take care of others. This could be dangerous.
Return to work when you have more to give.
Don't feel guilty that others will have to pick up the slack.

You’ve had some really good advice so I’m going to say WTF is your manager playing at?! That is totally unacceptable. I’ve lead a lot of teams (not NHS) and despite being under a lot of pressure myself, a part of my day was ALWAYS to see how they were doing - that’s the job and what my managers have always done with me. It doesn’t take the stresses away which are v real for you, but someone checking in, acknowledging the shittiness, saying you are doing great but don’t worry about X as that’s just not doable etc.

I’m sorry they have let you down as well.

Also, just do what you can. I've created my own boundaries where I have my phone set to do not disturb all day and only call back selectively based on the voicemail. I normally email instead.

I deal with very stressed and angry people daily, so now I point blank only communicate by email with a few if I know the call will be a waste of time. I've decided I'm not getting paid to be shouted it. If anyone has a problem with that I'll change jobs.

Lastly, I started medication a few weeks ago. I haven't cried since starting it, whereas I was crying a lot in Nov, Dec and Jan.

You absolutely need to listen to the advice on this thread. Don't go in tomorrow. You sound like you are at crisis point and desperately need some time off. When you're in the midst of the chaos it's hard to see a way out or imagine how things could be different, but they can. I was an NHS clinician before things got really bad and even then it was hard going and relied a lot on goodwill. The system is broken and it's not your responsibility to fix that or try and cover all the gaps. Please prioritise your own health. If you make some time/headspace to recover a bit and consider your options you could be in a much more positive place very soon.

Please go off sick. You will get no thanks for going into work in the long run. I'm also NHS and had a nervous breakdown this time last year. I signed myself off and went to my GP for help. Lots of people struggle OP and it's not a sign of weakness.

It sounds like you are an incredibly hard worker, and really care about what you are doing and supporting everyone about you. I can also hear that you are at breaking point.

Please prioritise yourself. Think about the advice you’d give a friend or colleague in your shoes. Try not to focus on who takes the work if you aren’t there, the thing you can control right now, is how you treat yourselves. x

I really feel for you OP. I was where you are now. I felt so guilty taking time off sick, but it helped so much. I saw the GP who signed me off for 8 weeks in total. I accessed counselling and it gave me the breathing space to reinforce my boundaries. The NHS/work didn't change..but I could take more control of my responses.
I don't think you would be able to make the safest decisions at work right now, so you are protecting yourself and others by going off sick too.

I used to be like this op ( NHS Nurse). I felt sick with anxiety before every shift. i did it for 30 years until I found a way out and have never looked back. I earn less now but there is honestly no better feeling that not having to do put myself through that anymore.

I know you're worried about the next person, but ultimately, you're having too much asked from you. Your health is more important.

You are extremely stressed and may have anxiety. You are also at risk of burnout.

Take some time off, seek counselling, and definitely speak to your GP.

You’re under unreasonable pressure and there are unreasonable demands of you. That would be enough to give anyone a nervous breakdown.

Please put yourself first, go off with stress and take some time to recover at which point you can gather your thoughts, then get help/support from family or friends to devise an action plan for recovery and having a more sustainable working life and work life balance.

Im sorry your work has done this to you and thank you for all your hard work for the NHS in the past. Now it’s time to look after yourself.

My brother had this once, he got up one morning after the stress of his job just building up and up and he just couldn't stop shaking. He went to his GP and was initially given a month of work and medication. At the end of the month I think he was given another couple of weeks. You are going to make yourself extremely ill if you keep pushing putting yourself and others possibly in danger (thinking patients if you are a nurse). You can't single handedly save the NHS. You have pushed yourself way beyond already to get to this stage. DO NOT GO IN TOMORROW! Please go and see your GP. Good luck OP

Oh mate , you need to give yourself some time away or one day you'll completely crack and you'll never go back . I say this as someone who has a ridiculously high sense of duty , who is the person everyone leans on to get them through shit days . The ever dependable . But not so long ago , I came very very close to throwing my work pass at someone's head and never coming back and had I not had two weeks leave the next day , I might well not have .

Work , any work , no matter how well paid , valuable or worthy it is , shouldn't make you feel like this . And you know what ? Work will still carry on without you being there . At some point you have to take time for you , because no one else will .

Sorry you've had such a rubbish time and that the stress has left you feeling overwhelmed. Are you 100% sure you should be going back at the moment?

If you're feeling that unwell, call your line manager and ask for an OH referral, see if they can offer help. In the meantime look for a different place to work. I've been ill with stress before and it was only alot of time off and changing location that worked. Get yourself absorbed in a film or something. Think carefully about returning at the moment.

I'm also NHS and can really relate, I'm now working for NHS 24 and finding it a lot less stressful than my last job where I was feeling a lot like you.

Years ago when I was doing a 16 hour shift due to staff shortages a colleague told me I was mad and that if I dropped dead the bosses at work would just step over me to find someone else to cover the shift.

It really stayed with me and I have always tried to prioritise myself and my family over work. If you were calling us at work our advice would be to call in sick tomorrow.

I’ve been on MN since 2007 and one thing I’ve always admired is the hard core women on here running businesses, leading teams, being the go to person for everyone etc etc. what ever happened to that woman with 6 kids who told us all to go out to work and not rely on a man?!!

So I’m going to listen to you now. I’ve messaged my manager and told her I’m not well and won’t be in tomorrow.

Im turning my phone off now

I thank you all for your support x <very unmumsnetty hugs and kisses>

The shaking has stopped - possibly the wine but I’m going to try and sleep x

Big hugs OP. This was me last year. I didn't end up going off sick, although I don't know why, but left my job in a school in August for a different role out of school. Each week I feel better. Last year I was not myself but I felt too stuck in it to make a change. Now that I am out of it I cant believe the physical (and mental) symptoms that were due to stress. I look and feel like a different person and urge you to go to the GP, give yourself that break to allow you to see clearer again xxxx

❤️ You really need to see your GP. Enough is enough and your body is telling you that

OP leave. Leave the NHS. It doesn't deserve your best years. My wife is leaving after 20 years she has had the same experience as you and now she is having sleepless nights and anxious/ upset all her days off dreading going back in.

She is leaving. At this point nothing is worth what she is going through. Not money. Nothing. Any job would suffice to get away from that hell hole. Go off sick. And start looking for something/anything until you get your mental health back.

Oh god - this has hit a nerve. I feel the same (I’m a TA so probably much less pressure and hours than you OP) Wake up worrying about work, I sob in the shower most days, work is manic and chaotic, no support, rude teachers , unseen and unappreciated, unpaid overtime time to keep up, unreasonable parents ….. I need to go but don’t have the mental strength to jump. I’m also menopausal so that’s just added to the whole shitshow. Take care OP x

I just have this overriding feeling that if I could just catch up it would be ok. If the covid stops for a bit or there’s no more strikes or nobody phones in sick or we have a bit more money or or or or but it’s like one wave after another crashing over my head and nobody is coming to help.

I just can’t catch up and I don’t know where to start looking for something else because I’m NHS through and through and don’t feel useful to anyone else and I’m scared of not being useful and I know my pressure is from all the people before me who went off sick and now I’m the next one