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Original poster

Dad's the Smart One.

42 replies

YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2023 17:53

I just feel so sad about this. I'm honestly not intelligent. At all. I've been called stupid on occasion over my life by various people (one colleague once said "oooo, that's a big word for you!" when I said something about being "pedantic", for one example, in my mid 20s. Another example was a teacher shouting at me "run you stupid girl!" when it was sports day and I missed the start-shot of the race. There's loads more examples). So I know it's true. This isn't self-pity - just fact.

Dh really is "the smart one", I mean, the guy is crazy-smart (I honestly don't know why he's with me, all the women he knows are so clever too, amazing high flying jobs and there's just nothing-me) and I hate how stupid I am. I couldn't even do my 9 year old's bloody decimal homework the other day and it broke my heart - we never did this at school, so I tried to learn how on youtube but it was all so confusing...I'm just too stupid to understand, and even the kids now sigh when it's homework time because "mum doesn't know, we have to wait for dad to get back" (he's often away for days at a time with work). My son is 9 - 9! And he got it when dh facetimed to help him. I am just so....mortified, I guess. Mortified and sad and just full of self-hatred right now.

I'm going to go to the library to take out some maths books to try and learn this, but does anyone have any recommended maths books for true morons like me? I just don't want the kids to think their mum's an idiot :(

OP posts:
Whycanineverever · 02/03/2023 17:55

If it makes you feel better I trained as an accountant and still cannot always help my 11yo with her maths homework.

Truckinghell · 02/03/2023 17:56

Well, you're obviously not that stupid. This is a perfectly well-written post....

MrsALambert · 02/03/2023 17:58

Don’t let your child’s homework cloud your judgement on your intelligence. they are taught in different ways to we were when we were at school. If you want to improve your skills though have you thought about adult education classes? Much easier to learn with others than from a book I find

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StephanieSuperpowers · 02/03/2023 17:58

I think you lack confidence rather than ability. If you were less pressured, you'd get the decimals, no hassle. Let up on yourself, woman!

Orangetapemeasure · 02/03/2023 18:01

I’m a dr and I often have to look up my 9 yr olds maths and English.

I think you are being unfairly harsh on yourself. Firstly I’m sure you aren’t stupid. Imposter syndrome is a curse. It took me until my 40s to realize that I just had a block about many things. Thought I couldn’t do them and therefore avoided them. I’ve learnt in the last few years that the answer to pretty much everything is online, so even if I don’t know how to do something I can look it up. Sometimes after a few YouTube sessions I realize that whatever it is is actually quite hard and I’d be better leaving it to a professional, but there are loads of things that I’ve learnt for myself (current thing is sewing).
secondly you have a DH loves you for you. I’d treasure that, it’s more than many many women can say.

WishingIWasOnHoliday · 02/03/2023 18:02

Firstly, you are not stupid. You may not be gifted in maths - many many people aren‘t - but that doesn‘t make you "thick", it just means your talents lie elsewhere.

I am not stupid, I am good with languages, but terrible with numbers. I also struggle with helping my kids with their maths homework - my early teen knows waaay more than me. DH is more scientific and is good with computers, but not very practical and his time management could certainly use some work...

So perhaps rather than focusing on your weaknesses, look at your strengths, and remember they may not be academic. You may be super organised, a good problem solver, have excellent common sense (something that a lot of academics lack), be good at craft, sport, baking, be really kind and thoughtful or just a brilliant mum who knows how to comfort her kids when they‘re down.

All of which are really really important. Your DH for all of his big brains clearly loves you for who you are, and sees something in you that you obviously don‘t see in yourself. Rather than focusing on what you‘re not as good at, make sure you champion what you are good at. It‘s ok to tell the kids "let‘s wait for dad because he‘s better at maths", but just make sure that they know what your strengths are too.

UnattendedPotato · 02/03/2023 18:04

Practically, go to a shop like the Works and pick up revision workbooks for your kid's key stage. Put in the time and google for the tough stuff also Khan Academy online is free. Don't be embarrassed- you probably just didn't have a great education and its worth trying again. I'm supposedly smart (post grad degrees in arts) but I'm doing GCSE science & math workbooks so I can figure out my DD's questions.

cheatingcrackers · 02/03/2023 18:04

I think you need to reframe this. There will be a lot of things you can do better than your DH.

I’m clever. Straight As at A Level, a 1st from a RG Uni, etc. But DH is next level smart. There are so many questions that the kids ask - most of the questions - that I have to say ‘that’s a Daddy question’. But in turn he will say ‘that’s a Mummy question’ if they ask something about one of my areas of expertise (mostly
spelling and grammar to be honest - but also cooking, plants, music, a few others…)

You don’t need to be amazing at maths and it can be hard trying to relearn things that you learned very differently first time round but I BET if you think about it there are things that you can help your kids with that your DH can’t, and it’s important (I feel - given how low you are about this) that you speak with him about it and make sure he backs you up.

(My DH also always impresses on the kids that I am faster than him, that I have more stamina than him, etc… it’s very important to him that they see us as ‘different but equal’ I guess.)

Daisydaisydaisyrosie · 02/03/2023 18:08

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon. I've got an 'intelligent' job but I'm definitely not the go to person for homework help in this household. Please give yourself more credit. People says things when we are younger that stick but usually it's a passing comment and not a true assessment. I have snippets of things said to me as a kid that I thought where true but now that I'm older I know they were just stupid comments. I had teacher tell me I was away with the fairies etc etc

Daisydaisydaisyrosie · 02/03/2023 18:08

Truckinghell · 02/03/2023 17:56

Well, you're obviously not that stupid. This is a perfectly well-written post....

That ran through my head too.

RubaiyatOfAnyone · 02/03/2023 18:17

Everyone is smart at different things - from maths to cookery to directions to spatial awareness to decorating tastefully to successful flirting to languages to psychology to dance to astronomy to law to empathy to chemistry.

there will be areas that you excel in that your DH does not. I doubt he’s beating himself up over those.

my DH is fantastically smart - PhD from Oxbridge etc. i could never bend my brain around what he does. However - i have no doubt about my own intelligence, i have 3 masters degrees in entirely different areas to him, and even if i didn’t i’d still be the one who can put flatpack furniture together and parallel park, which his enormous brain interprets as witchcraft.

Be kinder to yourself, and (like me) just be glad you have a maths-homework-minion so you don’t have to 😁

BankOfDave · 02/03/2023 18:17

If you’re at the library, get yourself to the section on building personal confidence and self esteem as that is your issue. Maths is just something you think you should be better at for an arbitrary reason, which is fine too.

Just from reading your post I’m quite sure you are a smart person. What is intelligence anyway? Something exams test and say it is? My dad left school at 14 and can build and fix pretty much anything. Knows loads about gardening and tons of other things. He didn’t help me with maths homework but is very maths literate as is required for life where we’re not doing algebra to pay the leccy bill.

You’re fine 🙂

Caviarandgelatine · 02/03/2023 18:23

You're not stupid.

  1. Your post is perfectly well written
  2. If your DH is that intelligent, it's unlikely he'd be with you if you weren't. Water finds its own level
Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 18:24

You are not stupid. You're being too harsh on yourself x

RoseslnTheHospital · 02/03/2023 18:54

The two examples you gave are of people being cruel to you, not of you being stupid.

Maths is a specific skill and confidence/knowledge can easily be disrupted by your early educational/home experience not making sure that the foundations were embedded correctly. If you weren't properly taught some key basics then you're always going to be running to catch up.

I was "academic" at school and have postgraduate level qualifications in technical subjects. Some of the ways that my DS 10 year old's maths questions are set up are totally alien to me as that wasn't how I learnt it. So I have to look them up and make sure I understand what the point of the question is and what the method is that's being used. Sometimes the way they are being taught seems a bit OTT to me, but you have to go with it as that's their curriculum now.

xJoy · 02/03/2023 19:04

I agree that it's self-confidence that you lack, not intelligence. I don't think I have a higher than average IQ, I suspect it's very average......... But, at the same time, I seem to have learned lessons along the way. I know when to offer to help, when to leave you to it, when to offer a cup of tea and a surprise walnut whip from my work drawer. All around me are much smarter people who cannot seem to grasp that there are other ways of viewing the same situation. I suppose that's social and emotional intelligence which tends not to be remunerated in the same way as mathematical intelligence. If that's a thing. If all types of intelligence were rewarded equally then you wouldn't feel inadequate.

Original poster
YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2023 19:09

Honestly, I'm crying reading these - thank you all, so, so much - I cannot convey how much your words mean to me right now. I have no friends I can talk to about this, and honestly I was very hesitant to post hear because the last time I posted a thread, years ago, I was lambasted for "being stupid" about my expectations and I've just lost all confidence over the years. Your words have impacted me beyond what I think you can ever understand, just...thank you, so so much for taking the time to reply.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouJustDoYou · 02/03/2023 19:10

*here

OP posts:
xJoy · 02/03/2023 19:11

this is worth a read @YouJustDoYou

I think my intelligences are linguistic, interpersonal and intra personal.

I did a quiz once. It was really interesting imo!

xJoy · 02/03/2023 19:14

At 37, I was in therapy and I told the therapist how I was in the bottom stream. I cried over not being allowed to do honours English because I was in the bottom stream. I was in the bottom stream because I was doing all ordinary level subjects. 20 years later I was still crying over it. This stuff sticks.

Those limiting beliefs stick. I think I have faith in myself now though. I am average and there's nothing stupid about being average actually!!

Chikapu · 02/03/2023 19:16

I consider myself to be fairly intelligent but I suck at maths, a few years ago I did a beginner maths course with the OU and struggled so much with even the basics.
The way I look at it is, everyone's a bit stupid about something that doesn't make them stupid.

BigFatLiar · 02/03/2023 19:17

School lessons are wierd though, what they teach changes over time.

When we first started courting we were out with some of his friends all phds in science or engineering and a couple of the older ones had never done sets or ven diagrams. Wasn't a thing when they were at school/uni. One of them took the maths introductory course for OU (M100?) Just to find out more.

Things move on and what they teach changes. Don't worry about it. Your kids will love you anyway and I'm sure your DH won't mind if you struggle with the homework.

Danikm151 · 02/03/2023 19:20

School maths is hard for me now but I was a wizz at school. Google is my friend now!
BBC bitesize has loads of free tools you can have a look at.

cheatingcrackers · 02/03/2023 19:21

@Daisydaisydaisyrosie makes a really good point about passing comments sticking with us. There was a whole thread about that recently… for years I thought I was ugly because of a passing comment that my Dad of all people made.

I am not ugly. OP, you are not stupid.

Crumpledstilstkin · 02/03/2023 19:22

I'm the academic one in my relationship. I'm with my husband because he has a wonderful set of other skills that balance mine beautifully and my kids are better for having both of us. Bet your DH feels the same. Maybe you could teach them one of your other skills?

Practically speaking though YouTube is your answer. We all learn differently but I can guarantee someone will have done something that teaches the concept in a way that works for you. I taught myself a sizeable chunk of my degree that way 😂