Dad's the Smart One.

[YouJustDoYou]

I just feel so sad about this. I'm honestly not intelligent. At all. I've been called stupid on occasion over my life by various people (one colleague once said "oooo, that's a big word for you!" when I said something about being "pedantic", for one example, in my mid 20s. Another example was a teacher shouting at me "run you stupid girl!" when it was sports day and I missed the start-shot of the race. There's loads more examples). So I know it's true. This isn't self-pity - just fact.

Dh really is "the smart one", I mean, the guy is crazy-smart (I honestly don't know why he's with me, all the women he knows are so clever too, amazing high flying jobs and there's just nothing-me) and I hate how stupid I am. I couldn't even do my 9 year old's bloody decimal homework the other day and it broke my heart - we never did this at school, so I tried to learn how on youtube but it was all so confusing...I'm just too stupid to understand, and even the kids now sigh when it's homework time because "mum doesn't know, we have to wait for dad to get back" (he's often away for days at a time with work). My son is 9 - 9! And he got it when dh facetimed to help him. I am just so....mortified, I guess. Mortified and sad and just full of self-hatred right now.

I'm going to go to the library to take out some maths books to try and learn this, but does anyone have any recommended maths books for true morons like me? I just don't want the kids to think their mum's an idiot :(

Like everyone else, I don't think you are stupid.
If it helps, I have a degree and Masters in pharmacy, I struggled with DS's chemistry GCSE stuff.
If you really want to polish up your maths, our evening class centre runs on line functional maths courses, free of charge.

I'm a maths whizz and qualified up to the ears and I'm definitely not a person you would look up to in life! I'll bet you're enough for the people you love, just as you are right now.

It’s definitely a lack of self confidence in your case OP, you are not stupid. Maths has changed tons since I went to school so I’ve had to revise loads to get the new way of doing it - and I still don’t usually get it. The kids giggle sometimes but I say “hey, don’t judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree please. We all have our strengths and maths is not mine. Talk to me about Languages and grammar instead and I will show you who’s boss! 😂 “
Your kids definitely didn’t mean to upset you, kids can be brutal at the way they say things. Impress them with something you enjoy doing that you are good at, I’m sure there’s plenty. And maybe have a gentle word with them when you do that we are all good at different things in life and it’s unkind to point out a flaw in others. Everyone is trying as best they can.
But honestly - never ever believe you’re stupid. ♥️

OP, when I feel this way about helping my children with maths, I go to this song:

It makes me laugh which always helps me feel better.

I'd bet money that you're not stupid, but so terrified of being stupid that it becomes a "fog" that prevents you from thinking clearly.

When people say you're clever, you relax. And THAT'S what makes the brain fly. This "relaxedness" (I invented the word now).

Stupid people are not aware of their shortcomings.
Your post is beautifully written.
I don't even know you, but I'm certain you're not stupid, just nervous.

I once told my 11 year old the completely wrong way to do his math homework. DH spotted it when he got home - just laughed and so did he.

We had a parents in the classroom event in 6th grade. the math teacher gave the parents a very clever math puzzle to figure out, working in groups of 3. I was with a woman who was an interior decorator and a man who was a professor at MIT, had already won prestigious stem prizes and, according to DH, might someday get the nobel. the interior decorator figured it out in the end but even when the 2 of us explained the solution to him, the poor guy still couldn't get it :)

But none of that is relevant. You shouldn't feel stupid because of things some horrible people said to you years ago. you shouldn't feel stupid because you can't do math without an effort. I bet you have some lovely attributes and your intelligence and talents lie in something other than math. Your post was perfectly written and you sound lovely.

I'd ditch the math and work on your self-confidence instead.

It's not you, my husband is really clever and brilliant at maths but he struggled with our sons maths work as they do it differently to how we were taught.. Even if you are rubbish at maths, which I am we all have different strengths. I'm rubbish at maths and can't draw to save my life but I have a great job and run the house which my husband admits he couldn't do. Don't be so hard in yourself we all have different strengths x

I can't do my kids homework, but I am really intelligent academically and in other areas. However, I do a lot of things like missing the starting sound. I thought it was me being ditsy and stupid, turns out it's ADHD and this is part of my inattentiveness.

If it matters to you, would pursuing some adult education help? It might help you to see, like it did me, that actually a lot of kids get failed by the education system and never reach their full potential. But with the right approach, it can be possible to achieve things you never managed in school, because school didn't work for you for whatever reason.

I imagine you have a lot of wonderful strengths, though, academic ability is such a limited form of intelligence. There are so many forms of intelligence, and working for your strengths and personality type you might find that what you really have is low self esteem and a lack of confidence, and that working on those issues enables you to see what you bring to the table.

You're not stupid
Your literacy is perfect
Your examples are of people being nasty to you, not of you getting things wrong!
Maths is taught so differently these days, any of us would struggle with it.

Have a read about CBT thinking errors. You are olympic standard at mental filter (holding onto and concentrating on the negatives), and disqualifying the positives (focussing on perceived faults and ignoring your talents) to name but two. By the way, every thinker makes thinking errors.
And I would be very certain you are a lovely person. You certainly sound like one.

Believe in yourself. We all do.

Ugh, don't let people get in your head. I'm not stupid, but I'm also less clever than most of my friends and definitely much less high achieving. I've had comments similar to "big word for you" and been told my vocabulary is atrocious. (See what a big word I used there?!). I used to go to a Bible study and constantly felt like the dumb one as I just don't get it - and there was a particular lady there who would say things like "don't worry Word, even I didn't understand this bit!" Or "I'd buddy up with someone for this next bit, Word!"
Then I'd find myself playing along with it and saying "well obviously I'VE got no clue! Hahah"

The other day I figured out DDs yr7 maths just before she did and I was so excited 😂

I don't think DH is cleverer than me but I regularly have to pause the telly and ask him to explain what's happening 😁

You seem to have had the misfortune of being surrounded by utter bellends who have destroyed your confidence over something that isn’t even true. I don’t consider myself as intelligent at all, I wouldn’t say I’m stupid though. And I’ve been unable to do my eldests homework when she was 5 (wtf even is a split diagraph), and couldn’t do much of any of my 10yo’s during lockdown. Teaching methods are completely different now, and if I haven’t done it then I don’t know it 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think you need some therapy or something, you’re getting dragged down by a few untrue comments made by arseholes when you were younger

I’m intelligent.
I have still been called a stupid girl. Don’t hold onto other peoples rudeness.

but let’s say you are less intelligent than your DH.
You say you don’t know why he’s with you when you are less smart.
but are you only with him because he’s smart? Or do you see other qualities?
do you only love your DC when they are smart? Or do you love other things about them? It’s likely they feel the same about you.

I have a 9yo DC and I was staring at their long division for a long while this evening, let me tell you. I have several degrees and a professional career. And sure I've been called stupid and useless.

Yes this. Your spelling, grammar and punctuation are perfect.
Having taught punctuation to 'lower set' teenagers, I can say with confidence that you are most definitely not stupid.

Haven't RHFT but if I know MN everyone has pointed out that you are about 50x more literate than the average poster.

DH does DD's maths homework. I'm not stupid, he's just better at it.

<gently punches OP's arm> We don't hug here but you get the point.

My friend is brilliant at maths, amazing and has a job using her maths. She feels thick because she has trouble planning journeys and gets my help to work out her journeys and book train tickets and seats.
She is not thick and neither are you. Everyone has strengths and other things they struggle with.

Others have already pointed out your original post has good spelling, grammar and punctuation. But there is more to a well written post than that - you have also made it clear, coherent, and logically structured. That's an all-too-rare skill, and shows you have the intelligence to organise your thoughts and to present them in a way that others will find easy to follow.

Verdict: not stupid.

It does sound as if you've had the misfortune to encounter some absolute arses - including at least 1 of your teachers, which may well have affected your education. But that is a reflection on them, not on your intelligence.

By all means work on your maths understanding. But remember that parents finding 'new maths' incomprehensible is a tradition probably almost as old as the teaching of maths - it's not something to add to the pile of negativity that people have dumped on you in the past.