Those with lots of friends - are you quite tolerant of their character flaws?

[RangSoo]

I used to have no self esteem and let people walk all over me, I’d stay friends with people no matter what they did to me. As I got older and more independent my sense of self worth increased massively and I cut all the bad apples off completely but wasn’t left with many friends after that. I’ve made a few new friends in recent years but the friendships haven’t gone very far because I won’t tolerate bad behaviour at all. Things like compulsive lying, rude behaviour, two facedness, overzealousness, even just annoying personality traits like talking over everyone else and being really flaky.

I’ve been observing big groups of friends on the train or when out and about recently and I’ve noticed that most of the women in these groups just ignore bad behaviours, or are polite even when you can tell they don’t like another person in the group. I’m left wondering if my expectations are too high, if maybe there’s a certain level of not-so-fab behaviour that most people will tolerate without disrespecting themselves?

I think a lot is to do with your own positives and flaws. For example I talk a lot, gossip somewhat, talk over others when excited, drink too much etc. I tolerate those annoying traits in others because to me they are less annoying as they mirror my own traits. However, flakiness/lateness, i just can't abide it, because if i make an arrangement, i stick to it (unless some terrible/extreme unforeseen event happened). Some of the 'flaws' you describe are more than flaws (compulsive lying, rudeness) - i doubt many people would tolerate those behaviours on a long term basis between friends.

My life became so so much better once I cut those type of people out of my life. I didn't realise how it was bringing my life quality down. I much rather enjoy spending time by myself and do something nice for myself than do the whole frenemy thing.

If I'm your friend, then I'm loyal and supportive of you and I expect the same in return.

I think this type of friendship is dangerous because you normalise bits and pieces of hostility, and become cynical about other people because it's okay mentally juggling all the time.

Once I realised my core problem was tolerating bad behaviour and subsequently having a bad life quality, I'd rather spend my time on people who make me a better, not cynical, person.

The short answer is yes. Ditching them would take more energy than just keeping things going so........

Deal breakers are excessive negativity, lying, gossiping (if they do it to others, they'll do it to you), swearing (I just find it so off putting IRL sorry) the whole frenemy thing or offloading on me.

I like people who display integrity, I prefer simpler personality types rather than complicated ones, and people who have a positive impact on me, who through their actions inspire me to be a better person.

When we were kids, friendships were so simple and easy, now it's like OoOo what school did you/do you go to, what's your postcode, what do you do, wots your pedigree.

The quality of our life is determined a lot by the the quality of our relationships with others.

I'm gobsmacked that people would unfriend for swearing

I'd separate it into things which show decent character and integrity or not. So, two faced and bitchy behaviour, backstabbing, being unkind/ racist/ untrustworthy, things like that, I wouldn't be friends with them.

But things like cancelling occasionally, well they might have some social anxiety or depression. Talking over people or about themselves I'd ignore unless very extreme, then I might still give some leeway in case they were going through a hard time. So, I'd think what's important and a dealbreaker and what's not.

To me, your rules are a bit OTT. It's not dating, you don't have to see these people all the time or live with them.

Horses for courses I guess