Need help -Self neglect for years - please don't judge

[Powtayto]

I have a serious self neglect problem and it's all come to a head this week where I just burst into tears over my hair.I hadn't brushed it in nearly 5 weeks and it was just in knots. It took over 3 evenings to sort out.

I have been like this since I was a teen. I normally just brush my hair once a week which I know is bad enough but lately it's all getting worse where I'm leaving it for weeks at at time. I don't look after myself properly. I never have. If I have a health problem / issue where I need to take tablets to help, I will do it for a short while before I stop and can't be bothered. I don't look after my teeth or my body. I'm fortunate I don't have anything seriously wrong with me but dread the day I do.

I also find myself sabotaging myself. I was on a course and I just didn't turn up for most of the lessons or hand in the work. my tutor amazingly helped me and I only submitted parts of the work and miraculously passed. I am doing another short course and again the same thing - they kicked me off the first cohort and re-enrolled me again last week. I need to hand in my first assignment this week and I know I won't do it.

I don't know why I do this. There's so many opportunities that i have wasted or missed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know anyone else like this. i would never tell anyone else about this in RL. I am embarrassed of myself.

@Powtayto are you by any chance on the autistic spectrum? Do you have a diagnosed mental health condition?

I'd see your GP as a starting point.

I'd then choose something that is non negotiable that you do every single day. Make it something very small.

If you really cannot brush your teeth, make sure you swig with mouthwash twice a day for example:

Keep a hair brush by your bed.

Etc

Op I completely understand. I really struggle with both washing and brushing
my hair. I can have baths but used to find showers unbearable on my face.

I am pretty sure I have some autistic traits but never realised until I had my clever and lovely son who was diagnosed with autism. I’m not sure I would get a full diagnosis but I have definite sensory traits.

I forget things all the time and that’s basically because I have ADHD! ADHD and autism/autistic traits often go together. Don’t blame yourself op. Sending you an un mn hug if you would like one

OP, I think you may need to see your GP to get a referral for some kind of counselling. It could be autism, it could be depression, it could be CPTSD. But whatever the cause, this is clearly distressing for you and stopping you from having the quality of life you should have. Please let someone help.

Op please keep posting. It’s ok to find it difficult to keep up with self care. It does NOT make you are a bad person.

Can you tell us more about how things are at the moment in your life? Do you have any RL support?

Your post really touched me. I can't relate though not to quite that same extent. I really have to force self care or it doesn't happen (often it doesn't happen anyway). I do have an autism diagnosis, much of the slef care I avoid is because of the sensory element, hate the pain of hair brushing and washing and noise of drying, hate smells nd taste of toothpaste. Don't like water on my face, hate getting undressed.

However, these are the things that helped, make three rules, forget about everything else. Mine are, teeth every day, shower every time husband does (not with him, it's just a trigger to follow and works because he finds self care easy) brush hair if leaving the house.

Remember, you are a good person worthy of being looked after.

I think you might find the book how to keep house while drowning useful. There is a chapter on self care and some tips around hair.

I found some of her philosophies quite mind blowing (anything worth doing is with doing half arsed)

Oranurse toothpaste is tasteless.

OP I don't have a diagnosis (although I have two autistic children) but I'm sure I'm autistic and have ADHD and so much of your post resonates with me.

One thing I saw recently was that it is better to do something half arsed than not do it at all. I really struggle with brushing my teeth, and it said 10 seconds of brushing your teeth is better than not at all. Ever since then I've remembered that, and every time I think "not tonight" I'll think "okay just for 10 seconds" then it usually turns into longer.

Same with brushing hair, even if you drag a brush through it once, it's better than none.

You don't need routines or to force yourself to do things you know you're not going to do, just tiny baby steps. I tell myself DO ONE THING all the time. It really helps.

And I second How to Keep House While Drowning, or Struggle Care as she is on tiktok if you can't focus enough to read (I know I can't), she is amazing. She has a podcast too.

Oh OP, I hear this, and I could be you. I don't know how to help you though as I don't even know for myself.
I've been like it for years I sort of find myself stumbling through life and always trying to just keep up with the basics, washing (gate water on my face and just feels a huge effort), dressing etc.
DH kind of harangued me into taking a new job with more money a few months ago, because we need the money but I can't grasp it (spreadsheets and databases but not simple ones) I'm making mistakes some of which are serious, so far the company have been understanding but I think my time is nearly up. Just feel so incredibly lost and like a waste of space in this world.

please google inattentive adhd and see if this applies to you

Everything everyone has posted is resonating with me too.

My most recent bout of therapy, there have been many, taught me one thing.

That is to do things for 1-5 mins. The wasted minutes while you wait for the kettle to boil or the microwave to ping. Do something. Anything.

Wash a few dishes. Wipe down worktops. Sweep the floor. Tidy out a drawer. Brush your teeth. Brush your hair. Wash your face. Tidy your entrance hall. Anything at all.

I've been doing this for a while now, and the wee burst of endorphins at, say, something as simple and productive as sweeping the kitchen floor is great.

I've avoided doing the same task at the same time e.g. morning kettle boil does not automatically equate to teeth being brushed, it could be tidying out a drawer.

I've extended the 'drawer tidy' to include other drawers/areas that were cluttered/untidy and, slowly but surely, I'm declutting my home. Sadly, I don't have the patience/ability to decide what to donate or what to dump. I was all for just bagging the stuff and dumping it until my cousin offered to take the bags and sort out what could be donated - she's well aware of what charity shops sell because she's a massive fan! She reckons about 20/25% of what she gets from me is dumped. The fact 75/80% goes to charity gives me another wee boost.

These are baby, baby steps but, for me, they are working.

This week I've started 'tasking' for the duration of a wash-cycle (quick wash 28mins). This means I can have a shower/wash my hair, or sweep out the entire flat. Haven't worked out which other tasks take 28mins yet!!

I hope we can all find something to help us out of this despair, because it really is a state of despair.

Please read 'How to Keep House While Drowning '. The section on self care is so honest and helpful.

I have ADHD and can relate.
I’m in my 50s now and it has got easier with time.

@Thestruggler you are not a waste of space. You are an amazing unique being. Please don’t forget this - you are the only one of you on the planet and we are lucky to have you. Your kind response to op tells me this.

I would reccomend reading up on self-sabotage, maybe there would be a course near you. It did wonders for me. Most of my issues were because of my lack of self-worth and it is of course a vicious circle.

I’m another one who can really rrr et Kate go your post - you are not alone!

ok my tip re knotty hair - sit in the bath and wash it twice with shampoo. Then when you’ve rinsed the shampoo out slather the fuck out of it with conditioner - then brush it with a brush like a tangle teezer. Brushes the knots out sooo much easier! Don’t forget to rinse the conditioner out after!

Really relate, not whatever my autocorrect was attempting to say!

I'd it that you can't be bothered or that it hurts to do it? If the former, could you do it while watching your favourite TV programme or listening to music? Or ask your partner if you have one? If the latter, use plenty of conditioner and detailing spray.

Came on here to say it sounds like ADHD, but I see others have beat me to it lol.

I'm diagnosed adhd, and also likely to have autism as well. I can see these traits in what you've wrote

Another herd who sees ASD/ADHD here.

OP I get you, I have similar problems regarding self care and also with courses. One adult child diagnosed with ADHD, another showing traits of autism, and I think I'm possibly ADHD too but not diagnosed. My motivation is also zero, but I was diagnosed with depression some years ago and think that has caused the lack of motivation, ie not wanting to get out of bed/get dressed/get washed/clean teeth/brush hair.

I need a really good reason to do things, so for example am seeing a very healthy smart man at the moment and trying to look my best, so I clean my teeth twice a day, mostly .. sometimes just once if I'm not seeing him until the evening. I also do the thing where I tell myself, just for a few seconds and then usually end up doing longer. I'm also showering more often, before it was once a week at the most.

Don't beat yourself up about it, you're doing your best and that's good enough. Here to talk any time you need 🤗

This is very common for several mental health issues, or as a result of childhood neglect.

I'm sorry OP, it sounds really hard. I hope you can access some mental healthcare.

Hello OP. I’ve just bought a Tangle Teezer last week (on Amazon) and have been using it in the shower. I get to the same point with my barnet too. Hellish. Tangle Teezer seems to help a lot. It might help with one problem for you. 💐

Yes I can relate too. And to echo what pp say, I have a history of childhood neglect and MH issues and also ADHD.
My self neglect varies and is dependent upon the extent of my depression at any given time.
I don’t really have the answers. I have learnt to do the minimum to just about be socially acceptable most of the time. But I don’t always manage it. It’s hard.
I have found reading about childhood trauma, ADHD etc helpful, at least to not feel so alone. I take meds now too, and use a dossett box although I definitely have phases where I don’t take them , or take them too often to try and mess things up.

I keep my hair short and I live in lounge wear most of the time time. Fortunately, I’m not very sweaty so I shower just about enough! I think I am just seen as scruffy.

It is worth speaking to your GP. And you are not alone!

I'm autistic and struggle with this too.

I keep my hair tied back most of the time to avoid brushing.

I floss and dry toothbrush when toothpaste is overwhelming.

Use talc and deodorant when washing is too much.

Face wipes rather than face wash etc.

There are ways to lessen the sensory overload.