Need help -Self neglect for years - please don't judge

[Powtayto]

I have a serious self neglect problem and it's all come to a head this week where I just burst into tears over my hair.I hadn't brushed it in nearly 5 weeks and it was just in knots. It took over 3 evenings to sort out.

I have been like this since I was a teen. I normally just brush my hair once a week which I know is bad enough but lately it's all getting worse where I'm leaving it for weeks at at time. I don't look after myself properly. I never have. If I have a health problem / issue where I need to take tablets to help, I will do it for a short while before I stop and can't be bothered. I don't look after my teeth or my body. I'm fortunate I don't have anything seriously wrong with me but dread the day I do.

I also find myself sabotaging myself. I was on a course and I just didn't turn up for most of the lessons or hand in the work. my tutor amazingly helped me and I only submitted parts of the work and miraculously passed. I am doing another short course and again the same thing - they kicked me off the first cohort and re-enrolled me again last week. I need to hand in my first assignment this week and I know I won't do it.

I don't know why I do this. There's so many opportunities that i have wasted or missed. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know anyone else like this. i would never tell anyone else about this in RL. I am embarrassed of myself.

Hi OP, I think this is probably more common that most of us realise. I also believe it's a sign of childhood neglect or abuse that is being unconsciously acted out in adulthood. The inner child is asking to be looked after. Therapy has really helped me to understand what is going on for me when I act out my own past neglect. I know this view isn't for everyone, I know there is a huge push for diagnosis now which I respect, but for me it has been about trying to look at my own behaviour and learnt internal messages and gradually over time I am learning to care for myself more. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for being kind. I'm so grateful for all your kind words and it's actually made me cry - I don't know why - I guess someone actually understands and I don't feel as lonely or think What the hell is wrong with me. I honestly regretted posting thinking I would get a load of negative comments of being disgusting and lazy.

A lot of posters have suggested autism / ADHD. After having read a few websites I don't think I am autistic but not sure about the ADHD. I think I might need to look into that a bit more. What to people do - do you go to your GP if you suspect ADHD?

I'm going to have a look at the house cleaning book a couple of you have mentioned. I have a problem with keeping on top of the house stuff too which is no surprise. It's not a mess or anything but I can never stick to any type of routine.

Did you do a course yourself? Could you give me some more info please if you don't mind. The lack of self worth is absolutely me.

I think I did experience neglect as a child. I had a roof over my head and clothes but I think my emotional needs weren't met. I remember being very lonely and feeling unwanted.

Can you share what type therapy you had if you don't mind? Thanks

How does your hair and scalp feel when it's all clean and detangled? Does it feel nice, soft, shiny and sleek? Do you like the smell and feel of being clean, of being in warm water, of being able to stand or sit there and not have to do anything else for a while?

If you do, although it is hard to get it together long enough to sort out a bath/shower, soap, shampoo, conditioner, towels and the like, perhaps focusing on the pleasant sensations afterwards could encourage you?

Detangling is much easier with wet hair, conditioner and, as others have said, a Tangle Teezer. If you were neglected as a child, it's likely that nobody ever knew or could teach you that the gentle way to detangle or brush hair is to put just the tiniest ends in the palm of your hand and stroke just that bit until it's free, then move a fraction up the hair for the next bit, then the next - rather than dragging a harsh brush across your scalp and tearing at your hair until the brush stops in a thick clump and pulls out chunks.

I'm having issues with getting ready ie showering etc, I have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective disorder and I'm quite depressed at the moment but also seem to have some sensory issues although I haven't told my psychiatrist that.
I'm really struggling to be honest but no one would believe it as I don't go out unless I look really put together.

Your post also suggests autism or at neurodivergence of some sort to me, this might be a good place to start https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/

I don't mind at all. Integrative therapy, long term, form a relationship with someone who genuinely cares and will walk alongside you unconditionally. It's not the place to go if you want a diagnosis, but you could do it alongside that route if you feel drawn to that as well. Take care OP. Sometimes when I feel utterly crap all I can do is just notice I am not caring for myself, notice I don't give a shit about the house. Sometimes just this is enough. None of this stuff is easy I guess, we all have to find our own ways to live our lives.

I'm sorry 💐. Missing out on those things as a child can have long lasting repercussions.

Another autistic/probable ADHD (awaiting assessment for the latter) here and you sound a lot like me.

I'd also recommend reading How To Keep House While Drowning (I was too disorganised to get round to actually reading it so I bought the audiobook 😂)

Another with ADHD here.

I actually keep down a well paid job but at the same time struggle to remember to clean my teeth, feed myself, take tablets, etc.

Luckily I now have DH who is lovely and does a lot for me in terms of keeping me fed and on meds.

I'm having Schema Therapy which I'm finding very useful for my own childhood issues...

OP I don’t know if this is helpful but I do star charts for my anxiety - I previously did this when I was trying to break self-harm habits and it really worked. It sounds so basic but a star for every day you brush your teeth, one for hair brushing etc. Get to 10 stars and you get a treat of some kind, just something like a glass of wine or a chocolate bar or £1 towards a computer game, whatever motivates you.

I know it sounds infantilising but honestly I’m a 33 year old woman and it works for me. It also helps stop the sense of ‘oh I fucked up yesterday, I’ve ruined it, let’s not bother’ because there’s always tomorrow :)

Just sending a hug. Xx

Yes I agree. The impact of this can be massive on our lives. I wish you well OP

Oh Gawd I am reading myself here! Mainly the self sabotaging thing.

I have no problem with the cleanliness. I shower every morning except sometimes when I will be at home all day and just fanny around with wet wipes.

But every work day I shower. I have to as I am incontinent.

The bit about not always taking medicine? Guilty as charged.

I just thought I was lazy (I need to clean up my room) but I am recognising certain traits here.

@Powtayto have a look at PDA, it presents differently than classic autism but self care can be a big issue.

Hi all. I've spent several days trawling through numerous websites and taken a gazillion quizzes (which I know aren't diagnostic) and read through diagnostic criteria for ADHD/ PDA / autism / depression/ anxiety and a whole load of other stuff..

And what I've found is that I don't think I have ADHD or autism although I most definitely do have some traits of both. In the autism bit I score very highly in the social aspect and that's because I have social anxiety. I've had that for years. I am empathetic and totally understand people's emotions. It's the interacting with people I'm scared of and the lack of experience in this area has meant poor social skills - not being rude or inappropriate but more a crap conversationalist / bad at small talk / banter.

I think I have cptsd too. My childhood unsurprisingly was bad and I didn't feel "safe" in social settings which is why I think I have SA. The whole neglecting myself thing I think comes from extremely low self esteem. I think in a subconscious level I feel I don't deserve to look good, be cared for as I'm not worthy. I'm not important. Those thoughts are from my childhood and I think it's that, that's holding me back. Noone gave a shit about me as a kid = I'm not worthy so why bother as an adult

I feel that starting this post has opened up a whole new thing which I wasn't expecting. I think I need to get some therapy and I've looked at some schema / IFS stuff which looks suitable and address these dysfunctional thoughts and beliefs I've held onto since childhood.

Thank you all and hugs to everyone on here struggling with self care whatever the reason. x

Wow OP, that is a great update. You sound like you have a high level of self awareness and I think that bodes well for productive therapy. I hope you get what you need. Good luck.