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Relative convicted sex offender - what to do?

37 replies

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:11

My aunt just found out her son in law (her dd's husband) has been in prison recently due to looking at underage girls on the Internet. Her DD told her this, said he's sorry and will come back to live in family home soon (they have 2 dc aged 12 and 10 and the DH is staying with his mum). They live in the opposite end of UK so aunt who is elderly only sees them every few years, so didn't know about this. All is forgiven and her DD is telling her they want to forgive and forget.
I just googled his name and he came up in a number of newspapers, with his picture so it's definitely him. His offences are horrendous, he made and distributed photos of babies being abused and was linked (online) with known paedophiles. I felt obliged to tell aunt, she is obviously horrified and deeply worried about her DD and dgc. She hasn't told her DD she knows full extent, as she has her own mental health issues (bpd) and is worried about extra stress. She thinks maybe her DD doesn't know full extent, and is now thinking that newspaper articles have been photoshopped and it's all exaggerated Hmm
My question is: would he be allowed to go back home to live with his dc with these charges? Can my aunt talk to anyone from social services etc to get confirmation about what he did? His family have completely minimised it and are sticking by him, so aunt thinks it must be a conspiracy or something. Is my cousin 'allowed' to stay in a relationship with him and keep the dc?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:12

SS will be involved

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:13

The aunt clearly not close to her daughter

lives far away

what could she do?

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:14

@Vegrocks ss are involved, she knows that much. But surely he wouldn't be allowed back into the home unsupervised with his DC, or would he?

OP posts:
Lkydfju · 28/02/2023 13:14

its very unlikely he’d be allowed back in the same house

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:15

Very unlikely

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:16

The dd will know full extent

Littlefaeries · 28/02/2023 13:17

I know of a similar situation and the dm was told by ss that the father is not allowed any contact with his dc not even letters.
I can’t imagine ss allowing the father to return without getting involved.

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:18

@veg@veg @Vegrocks aunt is physically immobile so whilst doesn't see her DD often, speaks daily on the phone/texts. She's very worried about their safety now if he comes back to family home due to vigilantes and dgc getting bullied/attacked. She can't do anything as such other than to try to make her DD see sense. But she wants confirmation from a professional that he indeed did do these things. She also has bpd and can be suspicious of news and prone to conspiracy ideas.
My question I suppose is what is the likelihood of him being allowed back home?

OP posts:
Bunnyishotandcross · 28/02/2023 13:19

Possibly the woman will choose to stay and risk losing her dc. It sadly happens.

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:19

She thinks maybe her DD doesn't know full extent, and is now thinking that newspaper articles have been photoshopped and it's all exaggerated Hmm

so the aunt now thinks you’re lying

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:20

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:18

@veg@veg @Vegrocks aunt is physically immobile so whilst doesn't see her DD often, speaks daily on the phone/texts. She's very worried about their safety now if he comes back to family home due to vigilantes and dgc getting bullied/attacked. She can't do anything as such other than to try to make her DD see sense. But she wants confirmation from a professional that he indeed did do these things. She also has bpd and can be suspicious of news and prone to conspiracy ideas.
My question I suppose is what is the likelihood of him being allowed back home?

So conviction and imprisonment isn’t enough for her?!

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:21

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:18

@veg@veg @Vegrocks aunt is physically immobile so whilst doesn't see her DD often, speaks daily on the phone/texts. She's very worried about their safety now if he comes back to family home due to vigilantes and dgc getting bullied/attacked. She can't do anything as such other than to try to make her DD see sense. But she wants confirmation from a professional that he indeed did do these things. She also has bpd and can be suspicious of news and prone to conspiracy ideas.
My question I suppose is what is the likelihood of him being allowed back home?

Your question has been answered

unlikely

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:21

Sounds like the aunt doesn’t trust you

DoormatBob · 28/02/2023 13:24

Absolutely don't want this to sound minimising, he's an awful excuse of a man but do you know what 'made images' means?

I had to look it up when an ex colleague was charged as I assumed made meant he was actively involved as in abusing/ taking the photo.

Made in this context means downloaded off the internet. He 'made' a copy on his computer. And by the sound of it reshared.

No way minimising but I know I didn't understand it at first.

No idea what SS view will be, hopefully no unsupervised contact.

LakeTiticaca · 28/02/2023 13:25

Confirmation is right there in the newspaper articles. They report from the court, they Don't make it up. Pretty sure his wife will know full well what he was convicted of.

Napmum · 28/02/2023 13:28

If he's been convicted of abusing children, then it is unlikely SS would allow him unsupervised contact.

I'm not sure what "making pictures of babies being abused" is. It might be photoshoping since he's not been convicted of child abuse from what you say.

But why are you wanting to know? If you are concerned for the children, are you planning on getting involved? Are you wanting to support Aunt? Maybe Aunt should speak to the family social worker about the situation with your support. If you think this will help her. Otherwise I don't think there much that can be done except support her DD to feel able to chuck him if she needs to do this to keep the children safe.

gallina · 28/02/2023 13:29

I can't imagine SS ever allowing him back home if the children are living there.

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:34

@DoormatBob Ive purposely left out info so as not to possibly reveal the case, but it's very evident that this isn't a case of someone who accidently got into this and became curious, he is a completely sick, depraved individual who 'got off' on these images.
@Vegrocks aunt thinks there must be "crossed wires" as his DM (who is a retired teacher and pillar of community) is sticking by him and saying it's "a man thing". Aunt really thinks she is a good person so if she is minimising it then he can't have done these things. I'm not surprised by this at all, as I said she has MH issues. She also can't understand (and neither can I) why the daughter is talking about him coming home soon if that is completely out of the question.

OP posts:
ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:38

@Napmum my concern is my aunt. I'm not close to cousin other than the odd text so it won't affect me as such. But if my cousins (aunt's other dc) get wind of things they will turn their backs on their sister and possibly my aunt. This worries me due to her mental health.
I was wondering maybe because his crimes are images 'only' that he might not be considered high risk to his DC? Or are all sex offenders considered the same?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:38

ivantheterrible101 · 28/02/2023 13:34

@DoormatBob Ive purposely left out info so as not to possibly reveal the case, but it's very evident that this isn't a case of someone who accidently got into this and became curious, he is a completely sick, depraved individual who 'got off' on these images.
@Vegrocks aunt thinks there must be "crossed wires" as his DM (who is a retired teacher and pillar of community) is sticking by him and saying it's "a man thing". Aunt really thinks she is a good person so if she is minimising it then he can't have done these things. I'm not surprised by this at all, as I said she has MH issues. She also can't understand (and neither can I) why the daughter is talking about him coming home soon if that is completely out of the question.

Ok so even the aunt is skeptical and wants “professional” confirmation?

Vegrocks · 28/02/2023 13:39

For her daughter and GC to go through all this and only be finding out after he has been released from prison Op - really doesn’t indicate to me this aunt has much input or sway over anything

especially as even she’s skeptical

Pseudonamed · 28/02/2023 14:19

How long did he get in prison? I am in Ireland and unfortunately you can be convicted of being a paedophile and still go home to your family unfortunately as i know this first hand but not sure about the UK. God what a horrible vile man. I would wonder about any womans mental health taking home a man that can be so depraved.

mindutopia · 28/02/2023 14:25

SS will certainly be involved and I would imagine he would not be allowed to return to the family home if children are present, though perhaps it would be different if they are his own children. If you haven't watched it, I would watch Married to a Paedophile (I think it's on iplayer?). One of the men was not allowed to move back to his home if his wife was to still have their grandchildren visiting there, so he had to move into a flat nearby. But often it is the case that even on a Sexual Harm Prevention Order (which he will be on), it is possible to have contact with children with parent's permission.

I have a family member who served time in prison for sexually abusing a child in the family. He was allowed to have contact with any children, including in his own home, without the parents needing to be notified, with the exception of overnights. If a child was to stay overnight in the home, they had to be interviewed by the police/probation officer/SS (I can't actually remember now) so that they could be notified of his convictions in order to decide if they were comfortable with their children having overnight contact. I know because we were the parents and we had to be told this and asked to go to the police for our interview so that our dd could stay over (!!). Dh and I had no idea. We are now NC and have never seen him again.

So that is to say that the restrictions he is placed under could be quite varying and may not be entirely sensical, particularly given the risk of abuse even with other people in the room. But very likely, his partner does know the extent of what he is convicted of doing. It's just very likely she has chosen, for her own self preservation, to put her head in the sand and live as if it's not true. This could very well be the case with other family members too or who have perhaps only been told half the story by the partner.

Of the two people I know who are married to men who were convicted of sexually abusing a child, both of their partners are still with them. In one case, the child abused was his own child. The families have created entire narratives to explain how it happened and how it wasn't really a big deal. They've told such elaborate stories about the children involved now and how their partners ended up in a situation where they abused a child that even they don't remember what is truth and what is fiction. They're very happy living in their small little worlds, even though they have lost friends and family as a result. I don't think you'll be able to convince people to change what they think.

But if you do know of any children who are having contact with them who don't know, then I would find a way to get the links to those news articles to them. In our case, my dc had contact with these people for years when everyone around us knew and no one ever had the courage to tell us (thankfully, I have no reason to believe my dc were ever harmed). There was even a family meeting to discuss how to keep it quiet so we wouldn't stop contact. I would have appreciated so much if someone had cared enough about us to speak out.

LakeTiticaca · 28/02/2023 14:49

Those who protect child abusers are as bad as the abuser, IMHO, how the hell.can they sit there in the same room knowing what this person has done, and having unknowing parents and children around them. Have they no shame?

Thingamebobwotsit · 28/02/2023 14:56

So first things first . You can contact the local SS team and anonymously report that you have concerns about the potential for the H (I refuse to refer to him as DH) to go back home and that you are raising this as a safeguarding issue. SS will be involved but there are plenty of ways people 'hide' domestic arrangements from SS and it can be hard to track. SS will be obliged to keep an eye on the situation and someone raising concerns gives them additional reasons to track what is happening.

Re: your aunt. This is more complicated and you may not be able to change this. You can only deal with what is in front of you at any one time. Try not to fret. She is an adult and can choose what she wants to believe.

Your main responsibility is to make sure any children are safe and supported, regardless of whether you know them and report concerns as and when they arise.