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Original poster

Do You Think Having A Baby is Harder On Couples Who Have Been Together A Long Time?

29 replies

ThunderRolls88 · 26/02/2023 08:34

We are TTC for our first baby.

However, we've been together 12 years, and I worry we are too used to it being 'just us'.

We spend a lot of time together. We have hobbies and socialise outside of our relationship, but most of our time is together.

A lot of our relationship is long conversations, nice walks, adult days out, nights out, date nights, holidays etc. So lots of quality time (which we definitely won't have as parents).

I'm wondering if any of you had children with a partner after years 'just the two of you' and if you think it made the transition more difficult?

On the bright side, DH does a lot of housework, both in decent jobs and can drop to 3 days each to share childcare, have good savings, so I think we are in a good position to have a baby iyswim. We do most things around 50/50, but I guess you never know how having a baby will affect things. I really have no reason to believe we wouldn't support each other though.

But I feel like I am grieving 'us' already and I'm not even pregnant! Just have fears about how things will change after so many years focusing on the two of us.

OP posts:
Stickmansmum · 26/02/2023 08:40

No, it’s an individual thing. Depends on how much you want them, how much you valued your pre kids life. How easy your kids are. So many elements.

JenniferBarkley · 26/02/2023 08:41

We'd been together 16 years when DC1 came along and were rock solid. I think those foundations really helped. Yes it's a massive change for your relationship and your life in general but we found we were so used to working together that it was ok.

Once DC were in nursery we made sure to go for the odd lunch together which has helped, Saturday night is takeaway and a movie. Nothing major just little points in the week to connect.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 26/02/2023 08:53

We’d been together 14 years when our son was born. The foundations absolutely helped us during some of those rocky new-parent patches and we knew each other well enough to recognise the signs that one or the other needed a break / a cuppa / a hug. Completely individual though as we’ve always done lots separately and to be honest we were ready for a change of being “just us”.

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SquigglePigs · 26/02/2023 08:55

We'd been together 13 years when we had DD. I think if anything it helped because we know each other so well and what we need from each other.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 26/02/2023 09:03

It was for us. We'd been together 12years - I thought we'd be fine, but he reacted in a way I absolutely did not expect to becoming a father, I had literally no inkling. We separated when DD was 4 and subsequently divorced.

abyssofwoah · 26/02/2023 09:03

No, for me and my DH (together 15 years before kids) it was the opposite. We’d had the chance to go travelling together etc so didn’t feel like we were missing out (and we know that all that stuff will happen again once the kids are a bit older). We were an established team, and having been together for a long time through the rough and the smooth we knew we could weather the challenges.

It is a new phase of a relationship but growth and change are important, they will always happen in some form any way, whether as a result of your choices or just life doing its own thing.

Timeforabiscuit · 26/02/2023 09:07

Not at all, it helped if anything, it was still a massive change for both of us but there was a solid relationship to fall back on.

I will say that our relationship did take a big hit during the early years, and it took effort to get the communication going around us again, rather than just servicing the tiny humans.

Bodybags · 26/02/2023 09:13

Ready after 10 years here.
We had an absolute blast, were selfish, indulgent, climbed our career ladders, renovated our house, had savings, fabulous holidays.
Did all that and were then ready to focus on something else.
Turned out we struggled to have children due to nature, got our first after 13 years, 2nd after 23 years!

Bloody brilliant next chapter for us.

Toolchest13 · 26/02/2023 09:14

Yes. I thought I knew him so well. He didn’t turn out to be the father I thought he would be. Although in hindsight when I look back there were signs of selfishness I ignored.

Lindy2 · 26/02/2023 09:16

I think it's a big adjustment to any relationship.

DH and I met very young and then had unexplained infertility so we had been together 15 years by the time our first baby arrived.

I loved our time as a couple and our holidays, meals out etc but we were ready for life being different with a baby. We switched pretty well to lunch in pub gardens with baby asleep in a pram, family swimming, zoos, soft plays etc.

We found it very tiring, especially the broken sleep, but I guess that's normal.

DH took longer to adjust to being a dad, probably because he never really plans ahead so hadn't given what was involved much thought until baby arrived. Having been together so long though and knowing each other so well, we were able to communicate well, have honest conversations and explain to each other what was and wasn't working well etc. Communication and being able to adjust life, as needed, is key.

Italiandreams · 26/02/2023 09:21

Same as others, we have been together 13 years and for us it really helped. Foundations were solid, never felt we were missing out as had done loads as a couple and happy to put couple time to the side for a few years . We are very secure within our relationship and know eventually we will be able to get back to time just the two of us but currently enjoying family time. It’s still hard and there is no getting away from that but for us it was the right thing.

Jabiru · 26/02/2023 09:23

I think it depends to a large extent on what sort of support you have around you.

we’d been together 15 years when we had our first child, and we had very little practical support from family. In particular, grandparents (although local) were not very interested or willing to help.

I hadn’t really expected that, or factored in that we would then spend 18 years without any freedom to do the things we used to do together.

so it was definitely very hard

crossstitchingnana · 26/02/2023 09:26

We had been together 10 years and it nearly destroyed us. We did split for a few months and then got back together. Been together 27 years now.

I'm not sure it had anything to do with time together, more to do with my husband's attachment style. He felt threatened by my "new love". We had therapy, he had therapy. All good.

motherstongue · 26/02/2023 09:30

Together 12 years when we had our 1st. We felt ready. We were solid as a couple and financially secure by that time. It still came as a bit of a shock though but we held tight through the rough parts and revelled in the good bits. Had our 2nd 6 years later (so 18 years into our relationship) the 2nd time was much easier overall. Been together now for nearly 40 years. Still love him to bits.

Babyenroute · 26/02/2023 09:42

We had been together 16 years when our baby arrived. At first it's chaotic but the strong bond helps you to be a team. Now he's a few months old, we still get quality time together but a lot of it is as a three. We go for long walks with the pram and experience our little one grow. We go out for dinner but to more casual places, and sometimes stop for a cocktail at the weekend, but in the afternoon so that we can get home for snuggles and feeding on the couch and bed. It's different stuff but equally as rewarding .

HoleyShit · 26/02/2023 09:59

We were together for ten years before having our child.

As everyone else has said, I think the longevity of the relationship helps but tbh it's bloody hard irrespective of how long you've been together!

ImAGoodPerson · 26/02/2023 10:44

We had been together 9 months when DS1was born (he was a couple of weeks early) definitely not what we would have planned but we are still together 17 years later. It was easy to be honest, we were on the same page at that time. It made a difference as I stayed at home with DS.

Only thing I would say now is that because I was off work when the DCs were tiny (career break in professional role) it still feels like the expectation is that i still do everything house and child related. I get help if I ask but no one else thinks about stuff. I suspect if we had longer as a couple before having DCs our roles would have been more equal. We both work similar hrs and earn similar so its not that I have more time to spare really.

WeCome1 · 26/02/2023 10:46

Some of it is more due to age I think. I’d got very used to the child free life, with or without a partner.

LocalHobo · 26/02/2023 10:52

It was definitely an advantage for us. We were both really excited about the prospect of being parents. You don't sound excited though. Are you sure you aren't just ttc because it seems like the next step after being together for so long? It isn't compulsory to have a baby.

LivingOnAnIsland · 26/02/2023 10:57

I know lots of couples who had babies when they hadn't been together very long, and I think still being in the 'honeymoon period' got them through the baby years. Some of them have subsequently separated when the children were late teens/adults. Depends on the couple obviously.

Galadriel90 · 26/02/2023 11:02

We'd been together 13 years by the time we had our baby. We were and still are totally solid. Anecdotally the people I know who struggled the most were the ones who got together and had babies almost immediately.

electricmoccasins · 26/02/2023 11:40

We were together young, then had fertility issues, so it was 19 years before we had our daughter.

I think there are two sides to it. It was a shock after nearly two decades to have this third person in our relationship, but we also felt that we had done a lot of living. Partied, travelled, tried different jobs, moved house; heck, we’d nearly paid off the mortgage. It is as if we have had both the childfree and the parent experience.

When intimacy waned a bit in the first two years of parenthood, it wasn’t a massive deal as we could see the long game. We knew we would get it back (we have), and we knew that those early years of our child’s life were just a small part of a lifelong relationship between us as a couple.

Original poster
ThunderRolls88 · 26/02/2023 12:23

@LocalHobo I mostly want children because I like the idea of having adult children and family around me. Not sure if that's right or wrong, not excited about babyhood and toddler years but I'm hoping having low expectations will mean I'm pleasantly surprised 👀

I'm the type to make decisions with my head, not my heart, and overthink though. Might be different for different personality types!

These are good answers and have provided some reassurance! I agree that you get used to rubbing along together, working as a team and knowing when the other needs a bit more support (even in life without kids), which should hopefully make for a good foundation at least.

OP posts:
Youraccountisnolongervalid · 26/02/2023 13:02

I think it comes down to the couple, I’ve experienced both, 10 years for my 1st and 3 for my second (his 1st) I miss our time as a couple but I know that time will come back with my 2nd and more importantly I still love my DP with hindsight I should not have stayed and had DC1 with my ex, I wish I’d met my current DP earlier and had lots of kids with him 😂

Remaker · 26/02/2023 20:58

We were together 10 years before DC was born. It was a conscious choice for us to switch lifestyles. We were on yet another lovely holiday when we had the discussion - do we want to do this forever or do we want to have kids? For both of us our lifestyle wasn’t meaningful enough to sustain us forever. So it was an easy decision to have kids. And we found the change very easy, no regrets. DH is a fantastic father and we both put the kids first without resentment.

Now they’re teenagers, we have lovely holidays for four and in a few years it will be back to mostly two of us again and that will be lovely too.

If you genuinely love your lifestyle now and have no real interest in changing it, I would think very carefully before having kids. It’s a permanent change in many ways.