Child will only do things if they're "fun"

[FoodNotLoved]

DC is 8.

Won't eat unless it's fun. But can take hours and hours to eat if they have TV or Tablet or toys or similar.

Won't eat at school at all as they say it's to boring so often go 6+ hours at school without eating.

Won't do classwork unless it's fun.

Won't play unless it's "fun"

Refuses to play with anyone at playtime because it's "boring"

We think they use the word "fun" to mean "not to hard" because it does seem to be specific tasks.

GP told me to try them for 2 weeks without TV or tablet or toys at meal times, and they've eaten a grand total of 1 mouthful the entire two weeks, and have lost weight according to GP - we're looking at a referral for somewhere so thats why we did this under the guidence of the GP.

Any suggestion of what disorder/condition/issue DC might have and where I should be asking them to be referred to?

Bump

PDA? I hope not!

Have you considered Autism and/or ARFID. I think you're right that they're using "fun" because they can't actually describe their feelings in a better way.

and they've eaten a grand total of 1 mouthful the entire two weeks,

The GP is ok with that???

@GrazingSheep Of course not, but we needed to see if it was a "being awkward" situation or it was because of something else, I am now letting them have TV/Tablet/Console again during meal times but mealtimes do take hours with that.

Have you tried a timer? If the meal isn't finished by the end of x on the tablet, the tablet and tv are off till next meal?
Sounds kind of mean, but they need to eat.
We had a foster child who dawdled over food. So SW said use the timer, I gave them 30 mins then the food was gone till next meal.
However because he'll go without maybe he'll eat if he has to do it to keep the tablet, who knows.

@MrsCarson They literally do not care they say eating isn't fun thats why it takes them so long to eat when they have the TV/Tablet, it's basically a distraction to get them to eat. So I don't think a timer would work the way we expect.

I will try it, but I think they'd just not be bothered with the food being taken away. And losing the tablet/TV over not eating enough isn't really a route I want to go down due to the risk of eating disorders etc.

Fingers crossed it isn't OP, but I wondered about PDA.

Will look into PDA thank you to those who suggested it, also hoping it's something can be fixed or at least helped but maybe not

For the particular tablet at table thing, could you try pausing it/ taking it away if they're dawdling over food. So it only stays on if they're eating at a decent pace.

@Sleepless1096 Will try that thank you

What happens if you leave grazing bowls out? Small amounts of chopped fruit, sweets, crisps, pasta, whatever? Are they drinking? Do they pick them up? Worth a try.

Are they ever hungry?

@RedCarsGoFaster They never ask for food and have open access to the fruit bowl which they never touch.

They're not dehydrated according to the GP so must be taking in enough fluid. They have squash with meals but only water between meals and water only at school.

It sounds like it’s about much more than the food if they’re not playing with other children because it’s not ‘fun’. Have you discussed it with the school SENCO?

Could be autistic traits - anxiety, sensory issues and/or anxiety around food and eating (someone mentioned ARFID above), social-communication issues (reluctance to play with other kids).

I agree that maybe they’re struggling to communicate or understand their needs and feelings, hence words like “fun” vs “boring” which don’t quite fit the situation.

My son is autistic and quite often will dismiss something as “boring” because he can’t communicate his distress around it in a more sophisticated way.

About tablet use when eating, some autistic kids use them as a way with dealing with their distress around food and eating - they need the distraction.

Ds was like this when he was younger, he thought he should only eat his favourite foods and would happily cut things out left right and centre deciding he didn't like them any more. He was diagnosed with ASD at 10 but obviously there was a lot more to it that just this (although only really became obvious as he got older).

They sound under stimulated. I've adhd and I need stimulation in order to do things that I consider boring. Eating is definitely one of them. Eating is also very necessary, so I'd provide them with whatever tools they need in order to eat. No matter how long it takes.

I wouldn't stress about how long it takes to eat or what they eat I'd just focus on getting food now. I'd try no tablet during meal and tablet during meal see if either helps. Definitely look at afrid. I'd ask doctor for a paed referral. My son has autism and really struggles to do things he has no interest in which could articulated as 'fun' Do u have any other issues with behaviour ? Emotions? I'd also speak to senco.

DS is being assessed for ADHD.

He will not eat in school (too many other fun things to do). He rarely eats lunch at home. He will eat it out if it's things he likes.

In school he often isn't doing work, even though he is capable because he overthinks it and gets stressed about it it. He often can't concentrate on it long enough to be able to do it

He is very sociable and likes to play.

He struggles with sitting still for long periods

If he is interested and it's fun he can though as he's hyperfocused.

Sensory stuff and picky eating is not restricted to autism. It's also a feature of ADHD.

DS constantly has to multi task.

Could 'fun' mean 'able to focus on'?

PDA is a lot more confrontational and defiant and is more anxiety driven from what I understand.

Does your child like to get involved with the cooking and prepping of the meal? Any interest shown at all? I had a difficult stage with my children for similar reason- tv on and 30 mins later and the small bowl of cereal wasn’t eaten so I understand your pain. Some things that helped us- pause tv for a bite, repeat pause repeat etc.
secondly make the mealtime more fun- we went through a stage of our child ( and us!) using tongs to eat, chop sticks, straws, mini form, small wooden sticks etc- served food in a variety of different dishes etc. the tongs and things definitely helped! Also the trays that have the separate compartments for foods so that you eat in order- we would put a sweet or a piece of popcorn if something in every second compartment to motivate..
also getting child involved in some way with the prepping, and during the prepping “ ohh that looks good I’m going to to have a bite to try” and then calm no pressure given them same chance. Ultimately what helped was the lack of pressure- the times I got cross/ frustrated ( and it showed) the less my child ate, play it all cool and zero pressure then eased the anxiety. Also using cutters to make food/ sandwiches wraps etc into shapes.
we have a much better time with family meal times now however definitely not what I would call normal for most families but at end of day I want calories into my child and for him to remain in least anxious state about food as possible. Hope your see some improvements xx

ADHD is something to look into.

Behaviour wise they're fine, no defiance, no stress really. It's just us two at home so I don't pressure them to eat.

They don't like cooking, they say it's to messy, they're just not motivated by food or it's process.

The pause to eat, then watch a bit is worth a try though thank you!

As PP says, have you thought of engaging DC with cooking, cleaning, gardening etc. And why has DC got a screen on while he’s eating? Have you tried just removing screens altogether? There is no need for them to have that level of control over their own content consumption. Get a telly with a DVD player and buy a selection of DVDs from a charity shop.

ADHD and autism come to mind.

@WillowBeeT They had no TV/Tablet while eating for 2 weeks and just didn't eat.

They didn't have TV at all until they were 2 and the tablet was new for Christmas 2022 (I didn't buy it).

Two weeks is still a punishment and not a change in their life though. And kids will eat if they are hungry. It’s a natural human instinct. Has DC learned that if they don’t eat they can ask for snacks or other food and you’ll give it to them?