ND 3 year old just threw a wooden ride on bug at my head

[MaggieMaze]

Just looking for some words of reassurance really

My 3 nearly 4 years old son is on pathway for ASD or ADHD. Delayed speech. Highly sensitive. Aggressive. Obsessive. Waiting list.

Anyway DS was very very tired tonight and my husband just kept playing with him. I kept saying he needs to go to bed now. Not listening.

Get him upstairs at 7. He starts stressing about pyjamas. Putting one pair on. Taking then off. Talking in gibberish. Manic. Totally manic

I tried to stop him and he picked up the solid ride- on toy and threw it down on my head. I've got a massive bruise on my forehead. Work will be interesting!

People keeping saying I've got to stop this as he's getting bigger and older. HOW???

DH tried to give him a bollocking. DS is sobbing uncontrollably. I gave DS some comfort while also telling him how wrong it was to do it

I'm now crying in my kitchen. DH can't comfort me. He's so uncomfortable when I cry he just leaves the room. No one to talk to IRL. I love my son so much. The thing that pisses me off is that I saw it coming (maybe not the huge wooden toy part) but I saw the manic, confused state he was getting himself into. He should have gone to bed as soon as he got home from nursery.

Fuck. I feel done in. Feel like getting in the car and just driving off. I can't carry everything forever.

No advice it's a really difficult and isolating thing to deal with, my ?ND 4yo punched me in the face tonight. I cried, she cried herself to sleep while cuddling me in her bed and now I'm on the sofa eating chocolate. We need some sort of solidarity emoji.

All I have is a massive cuddle!I hear you and validate all your feels.
Tomorrow is a new day.He is lucky to have you as his mum.

Ah sweetheart, you must feel so shaken up.

You sound like you’re really attuned to your DS’ state of mind, and you saw the situation was becoming problematic, but your husband didn’t share/support your observations. Why is that?

Lots of children go through throwing phases, and children with development delays go through them at unpredictable/atypical times. He won’t have understood the risk or harm of throwing the ride-on, and especially not if he was in the grips of a meltdown.

Many parents of autistic children (I am one) find that many meltdowns can be avoided if you’re really aware of your child’s triggers and responsive to that. This isn’t necessarily the beginning of a long and dark path.

Your DH really needs to do some reading about parenting an ND child.

That sounds really hard, I’m so sorry. Sometime in the next few days can you and your husband go out for lunch or a coffee (or a drink) and calmly discuss some things eg a strict schedule you both adhere to? It’s hard enough to parent a ND child without throwing an unpredictable schedule into it. We are extremely strict about bedtime for similar reasons.

Can you get help from the autism society or local support groups. A lot of the issue is dealing with situations like this and averting them. It's all about understanding and managing situations.

Sending hugs OP. I would definitely feel very shaken up too.
My little boy is very similar to yours. Still waiting on diagnosis etc but he has hurt me in the past and then ends up in floods of tears normally as a result of not reading him and dealing with his needs quick enough.

Please be kind to yourself. He needs his mummy more than ever even if it doesn't feel that way at the moment.

When they get like that just put them in a safe place until they calm down

@PennyRa a safe place without me? He just will open the door or run straight back to me. When he's in that mode he won't let me walk away from him. He hurts himself. But even if I could get away from him he would just follow me

Thank you for all your kind words. I'm usually the calm one who keeps it all in perspective and put positive spin on it all. When I cry like today DH just doesn't know what to do and I realise how alone I am

This. Your DH didn't listen or care when there were clear signs your ds was past his limit - your son then bubbles over, you take the brunt of it and your DH tries to bollock your ds? It's pretty cruel to tell your ds he was wrong when neither parent did the right thing in the first place. Both you and your DH could've avoided this.

I have a 4 year old autistic son who has hit me daily for 2 years. I've had countless injuries. I'm still working on strategies... I can say these have not worked for me:

Shouting
Putting him in room
Showing him I'm upset
Redirecting hits to high fives
Saying gentle hands etc

I will say the looking sad "oh you've hurt me" works for his nursery teacher but not for me.

What does work is redirecting him into a tickling, rough play type activity. It diverts his energy and helps him regulate.

Sadly it's trial and error but trust me I know how tough it is.

Yes, somewhere they can't leave but you can monitor them. Could be the garden if it's secure, could be their room if there are no toys in it.

For us at that age we had a dead end hallway so we gated it off and put foam squares and blankets it there to help. It doesn't hurt to throw or punch them and it helps with sensory.

I just said to DH we need to be better with routine, not give him so much sugar and screen time, early bed, etc

And DH starts "oh he didn't have that much sugar, oh it wasn't that late, babe he threw a huge wooden thing at your head and your talking about him being 20 mins late for bed. Come on. Give me a break"

He doesn't bloody listen. He's all about punishment and not about prevention.

Ahhhhhhhh.

I feel like I'm failing.

We have a tent for him but now he knows that's where I want him to go he won't go near it

Ahh, giving a bollocking is only going to further overwhelm an already disregulated child; it’s no good. Never going to work in that scenario. But you know this.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a rotten evening, we’ve been there. Sounds like your DH really needs a parenting course specific to your little one’s needs.

I guess whether he will be willing to do it is a different question.

Sending you calming thoughts.

We do the exact routine every night. It's very important. If he is really tired some steps are much shorter. It's important for my son he knows what's coming and we have objects such as his bottle that signify bedtime. It's really important for him to have consistency and predictability.

Really not managing tonight. Sat in the bathroom crying again. I'm usually the calm one. But tonight I feel like banging my own head against a bloody wall!

I just wish DH would piss off sometime

He won't do a course. He won't even read something on a website for 2 mins.

He doesn't give a reason why. He might make a sarcastic comment that I read enough or worry enough for the both of us and if push more he'll get annoyed and then we fight and then jt gets forgotten

I feel no anger towards my son at all. I know its my job to help him avoid those triggers and to calm down. I just feel guilty and useless and lonely if I'm honest

I'm feeling your pain, love. I'm there with my 11 yo (asd/ adhd/ epilepsy). I adore him, we both do, but it's the fucking hardest road I've ever travelled (2 NT sons 18 &16- have had a colourful life now aged 50) and I've travelled some roads.

All I can say is be good to yourself with time away when you can (we tag-team, only thing that works for us) to give you new wind to parent him positively. A day/ evening out with my girlfriends works wonders/ a few hours by a beach with my other sons. Recharge and start all over again.

We have diagnoses. Adhd meds make a difference. The ASD takes work every day. One less meltdown is progress.

Sending solidarity.

I hear you. I too have been in that place. Would your husband agree to a trial period of doing things a certain way, just an experiment to see the impact it has on your son? So, set bedtime routine, set times, visual timetables, limits around screen time, activities that help with regulation? He can do that without needing ti listen to your reasoning. My child doesn’t need routine the way some children need it, but when she has routine and predictability she really thrives.

Can you join a parent support group or something, for tips and solidarity?

In some areas, services like SALT and OT have pre-assessment services where they will offer advice and strategies you could implement while waiting for assessment/diagnosis. If you’re in England, could Action for Children or Early Help offer anything? Maybe a third party/authority figure could help bring your husband on board?

I know this feeling OP. My DD is 7 and got the ASD diagnosis just before 5th birthday. The meltdowns are still really really rough. I understand the feeling like you want to drive off. The hopelessness and powerlessness can feel overwhelming. When it gets really frantic I try to stay as calm as possible but just this morning at breakfast my DD was cross when I wouldn't let her have a sweet/treat type food and she hit me with a sequinned headband across the face and though I smarted and was tearful for a few seconds she had no sympathy for me. I try to keep her calm and help her feel loved as much as I can. And sometimes I have to walk away from her and take some deep breaths. It isn't easy. Big hugs to you.

We’ve been in the autism world for quite a few years now, and even after all this time I get frustrated when my husband tries to hold our kids to neurotypical standards. In my experience fathers are more likely to be like this, probably because mothers are usually the default parent and more attuned to their child’s needs.

For example, last week my 7yo didn’t want to leave the house, kicked up a fuss about wearing a new jacket (new clothes can take some getting used to) and so my husband let him get in the car with a jacket and - crucially - left the jacket at home. To teach him a lesson about being difficult, no doubt. When we got to our destination he had a meltdown about being cold and wanting to go home to fetch the jacket. The whole day was ruined because he was so dysregulated and every little thing would tip him over the edge again.

Anyway, that’s about me, not you. Your boy was obviously very overtired and overstimulated. I’m sorry you got hurt.

Ignore the bollocks about avoiding sugar. Your husband seems to be grasping for an easy fix (diet) when actually you need strategies and a different approach to parenting.

Sorry, I see it was you who mentioned sugar. I agree it can put kids into a manic kind of state if they have too much or at the wrong time of day.

How will rough play help when he gets bigger and stronger. Surely it will encourage violence?

@Daisybuttercup12345 Rough play can help sensory seeking children as it gives them the sensory input they desperately need to regulate themselves. Things like wrestling and deep pressure (lying on them, even!) when done safely, can really help.

LTB. I don’t say that lightly but in this scenario you need to give it serious consideration. I have a 3.5 yo who is autistic and has ADHD. It is incredibly rare we have the huge displays of distress that your son demonstrates as we’re in tune with her needs and do what is needed to deescalate or avoid these situations in the first place.

As someone who is autistic and has ADHD I was unfortunate to have a mother who did not control her own ADHD. She struggled to regulate her emotions and would always act on impulse. She fanned the flames of my distress and has never taken responsibility for the damage this did and still does.

If this is how your husband treats your child and he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his actions things will only get worse. Your son deserves to live in a home where both parents support his needs.