ND 3 year old just threw a wooden ride on bug at my head

[MaggieMaze]

Just looking for some words of reassurance really

My 3 nearly 4 years old son is on pathway for ASD or ADHD. Delayed speech. Highly sensitive. Aggressive. Obsessive. Waiting list.

Anyway DS was very very tired tonight and my husband just kept playing with him. I kept saying he needs to go to bed now. Not listening.

Get him upstairs at 7. He starts stressing about pyjamas. Putting one pair on. Taking then off. Talking in gibberish. Manic. Totally manic

I tried to stop him and he picked up the solid ride- on toy and threw it down on my head. I've got a massive bruise on my forehead. Work will be interesting!

People keeping saying I've got to stop this as he's getting bigger and older. HOW???

DH tried to give him a bollocking. DS is sobbing uncontrollably. I gave DS some comfort while also telling him how wrong it was to do it

I'm now crying in my kitchen. DH can't comfort me. He's so uncomfortable when I cry he just leaves the room. No one to talk to IRL. I love my son so much. The thing that pisses me off is that I saw it coming (maybe not the huge wooden toy part) but I saw the manic, confused state he was getting himself into. He should have gone to bed as soon as he got home from nursery.

Fuck. I feel done in. Feel like getting in the car and just driving off. I can't carry everything forever.

@Daisybuttercup12345

By rough play I mean tickling him and spinning him around, throwing him up etc we do roaring to let him know it's okay to be angry and to give him a vocal stim he can do.

When he is bigger I'll adapt it. He is large already but he has very significant sensory needs.

If you have any other suggestions to redirect his slapping then I'm happy to hear them but I've spent two years trying options.

I also second the leave the bastard

Parenting autistic kids solo is bloody hard work but not as hard work as someone else in the house making it worse.

Rough play earlier in the day though.

Mine improved behaviour when given glucose (followed by sucrose and then complex carbs)

Is there anyone your DH would listen to? He is the main problem because he deliberately undermines you. You seem to be very attuned to your son's needs. I am so sorry.

@C4ou56 yeah. I am considering that as not sure what else I can do to get through to DH.

Though then DS will be living in 2 homes and have to cope with all that change plus being parented by DH alone. DS doesn't much like hanging round DH or always goes to me for comfort so can't imagine how furious he will be at being dropped round his dad's half the week

@Jellycats4life I more meant with the sugar about routine. So I try to do after pre school

Get home have one small Snack and TV
Dinner
Pudding
Dancing to music (he LOVES music)
Bath
PJs
Teeth
Listening to music in his bedroom
Two page of book (as much as I can him to manage)
Bed

But DH just gives him snack after snack. And then hey just lie on the sofa all evening until its past bedtime watching phone. And then everything is rushed. He came to bed last night with chocolate biscuits in his pockets!

Your son had a loss on control. It’s probably easier to think of supporting emotions. Your son won’t understand how he is feeling (& that’s usual for NT 3 year olds as well). So don’t explain/just support him to regulate. He probably knows throwing things is wrong (& if he doesn’t isn’t going to process an explanation of that while upset)

Have a look at Floortime as it’s really about supporting a child’s emotions. It’s used a lot on the states with autistic kids but I also used it a lot with my NT youngest when he was little as he was the fiery one. If you Google you should find some videos etc and there are various books. I still find a lot of the ideas/activities useful with my now adult autistic son (who easily becomes dysregulated & requires a lot of support to manage those emotions).

A related old but excellent book is The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan. It just explains what may be going on for a child whose behaviour is difficult in some way. It looks at emotional regulation & sensory experiences etc.

If you separate, all you have to do is make ds available for contact. I would put money on his dad making very little effort, then not bothering at all. You might just find life is calmer in the long run.

@doadeer ah yes so my boy loves very physical stuff. He loves soft play so much. He literally doesn't stop for 2 hours. And then at night I dance with him and he likes me spinning, hanging him upside down, we are like a strictly come dancing couple!

DH does rough play with him which he loves. But again I fear DH goes too far...throws cushiosn etc which to me seems obviously a bad idea for a kid who throws stuff!!

I do feel perhaps DH must feel like he can't get anything right so he disengages from it all entirely but it makes me feel very alone. DH is very sensitive.

There's an autism course called Early Birds, why don't you both do that?

Hi my son has asd. He's 7 now, under 5 was really hard work due to him getting overwhelmed more , less communication and is still trying to figure things out. What works for us is a very strict routine so he knows what to expect-

Tea 5pm
Homework 530pm
Gaming 6pm
Upstairs teeth/pjs 7pm
Quiet play 715 (board game or reading)
Bed 745

We do that every night and weekends also have a structure. If it can't happen we try to prepare him in advance but also accept he may struggle.

Parenting an nd child is largely about managing environment and not setting them up to fail. So creating a structured routine, preparing for changes /new things, preempting things going wrong and stepping in before they do if possible. Trying to avoid authoritve parenting where possible (except in emergencies) as it generally makes nd children anxious/reactive. The explosive child is a good book.

Also his obsessions/stims making sure he has time to do them (providing they are not destructive) as they are an important comfort

Do you think there is a chance your Dh could be ND in any way? Absolutely not making excuses for him or any of his behaviours. But thinking of the genetic connections around neurodiversity.
I was diagnosed with autism 3 years after Ds.

Finding what soothes him -tv, phone, teddy, music, chewing etc and not over using it but having it when needed.

If you look at you child's meltdowns as a 10on a scale . Your aim is to keep him as low down that scale as possible so he is in the best place possible to learn and develop. Does he go to nursery? Is he in speech therapy?

This all sounds so difficult OP. Your love for your little one shines through.

Just a thought, is there any chance your DH is also ND? If so, it might play into the dynamic.