What is this behaviour called

[whatbehaviour]

When someone says they didn't do something because of how you would react (rather than owning their choice)

Can't think of a good example right now but basically implying their choices are driven by you (the person they are talking to) and aren't their own.

Is there a name for this? I thought it was gaslighting but now I'm not so sure.

Following with interest!

Depends on circumstances.
Depression? “I didn’t put the shelf up because I knew you would just tell me I’d done a shit job”

Deflection?

its just general manipulation - it doesnt have a particular name, I dont think

Don’t know the phrase but I’d think this is deflecting accountability. It’s like ‘you made me react like that’ or ‘can’t do it because you’ll do X’. No responsibility for their actions and deflecting blame to others. The only thing you can control is yourself so doesn’t matter what anyone does/n’t do.

Not sure if this is quite right but could it be Learned Helplessness?

Manipulation

Making excuses

It's not gaslighting, but it's a type of manipulation to avoid responsibility.

It’s manipulative. They’re trying to blame you for their own decisions.

It really depends on the situation. There are lots of things I didn't do in my marriage. Right down to changing a light bulb, or mowing the lawn, because my husband would have strongly objected. I went from being a fair string independent young woman, to , well, I don't really know. Anxious, scared, depressed, full of self-doubt? I certainly wasn't gas lighting HIM. But there water so many things I didnt do because I knew what his reaction would be. Or things I actively concealed, or even lied about. Its called self preservation within an abusive relationship

I've been telling DH for about a year to stop gaslighting me 😂 I will now use these proper phrases. Thanks mn!

I'm actually shocked at the responses so far. So blinkered.

Manipulation/making excuses/refusing to take responsibility and just being a tw@t generally

Manipulation

Surely context is required.

As per a Pp I know I've literally said "I didn't do X because I knew you'd do Y" or "say y"

And it wasn't any of the reasons given here. It was because he was abusive and I was walking on eggshells trying to avoid it. Whatever action I took, would have resulted in some abusive behaviour.

Watching with interest.

Possibly ‘after the fact rationalisation’. When you do something because you want to, then try to legitimise it with an excuse afterwards. Obviously it would be not doing the thing here.

Victimization or victim blaming

Damage control, they didn't do x, because you would atomic their ass

How about " My mother's just arriving. I didn't tell you my mother was coming for a week's visit because I knew you wouldn't like having to shop, cook special meals and clean the house for her visit. This way you don't have to worry!" Or "I hid those flirty texts from that colleague because I didn't want to upset you, I'm always treading carefully so you dont get upset".

It's not. You weren't saying to your husband you'll not do xyz because of how he'd react, he wasn't asking you to do those things and you weren't using "you're scary" as an excuse for not doing things. As you say, until you left it was necessary self preservation. Your type of situation isn't what the OP or the replies are talking about

DARVOing?

Deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/DARVO

Martyr

Being a twat manipulative