What is this behaviour called

[whatbehaviour]

When someone says they didn't do something because of how you would react (rather than owning their choice)

Can't think of a good example right now but basically implying their choices are driven by you (the person they are talking to) and aren't their own.

Is there a name for this? I thought it was gaslighting but now I'm not so sure.

DARVO.

It's a process. Can be quick or slow, but basically along the lines of:

Deny
"I didn't do it/I didn't do it like you said I did/It's not as bad as you say."

Attack
"Anyway, you do worse/did something else I didn't like/You're exaggerating"

Reverse Victim and Offender
I'm not at fault here, you are.

It can often be that we get confused about the first two and pick up on the blame in the last one and react to that, but we can't pinpoint how the blame has been arrived at.

In gaslighting it would continue to either insinuate that you're psychologically unstable/fundamentally wrong (so not only you're at fault for the incident, but you're a faulty person) or say explicitly that you are.

@SkyHippoOnACloud the op gives no real indication of what they were talking about. It's exactly the way my exh would have spoken about me.

projection
Deflection
Manipulative
Sly/slippery
Distracting
Untrustworthy
False
Two faced

Twat
Waste of space
Narastistic
Schiopioth
Take your pick Op

Martyrdom

It’s blame-shifting, assuming that the person does not genuinely have reason to fear your reactions.

If you are in the habit of screaming, yelling, hitting, viciously berating or threatening when this person does something you don’t like, then you are the problem.

But if you behave reasonably during conflicts* and they just use it as an excuse for laziness/passive-aggressively avoiding responsibility, then they are the problem.

*This can be hard to be certain about if you have been in a relationship with someone who is manipulative during conflicts, hard to reason with to the point of frustration for you or who gets highly emotional, triggering similar reactions in you. If you are unsure, think about how you behave in conflicts with other people. If you have the same conflict style with others, you are at least part of the problem. If it’s just with this person, you are probably trapped in an abusive relationship without realizing it.

Funnily enough he displays martyrdom in several areas so this could be it!

I'll look up darvo too...

Are they doing it to protect themselves I.e. because the person is going to react badly no matter what they do
Or
Are they doing it because they're lazy and deflecting that back to the other person to manipulate the other party into believing they're the problem

Depends what they are lying about.
It might be the person being lied to is controlling and restricts the others's freedom.

In which case it's self preservation

Self protection.
I have a relative who reacts in a very aggressive and waaaay ott way to things that wouldn’t bother anyone else, therefore after egg shell living for years, the answer is avoidance and LC.

This is my brother. He takes no responsibility for any part of life. Decisions are made by others so he can then blame them or pass responsibility for sorting problems to others. I have opted out of being his 'fixer'.

This is it:

deflecting that back to the other person to manipulate the other party into believing they're the problem

I love him really but this trait of his drives me up the wall. I do need to stop telling him it's gaslighting (I thought it was a form of it, when they make their problems or silly choices your fault).