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Original poster

Kids ignoring my son now they are at secondary.

39 replies

User36363637336363 · 21/02/2023 06:40

Hi all,

I have a 12 year old son who started secondary school in September. He is autistic but has always coped well in a mainstream setting with support. Tbf he isn’t coping too well lately but it’s more so over his academic ability and struggling in lessons.

He went to the same primary for the whole 7 years, the kids at the time were generally a great bunch, most of them knew each other from primary, he had some good friends. He was always quite popular but the gap has between him and his peers.

he has met some new friend at secondary, some with similar needs and interests to him which is fab.

but over the last few months he’s been saying more and more that his old primary school friends (they mostly went to the same school as him) are ignoring him, he’ll say hello but they just pretend they don’t know them! We’ve had an incident out of school at the park where a girl he used to get on well with, just ignored him, some of her friends turned up then they were all pointing and sniggering at him - ds didn’t know her friends. Another boy who he used to get on well with just ignores him, I’m friends with his mum so he sees him out of school too but the boy just pretends he doesn’t see DS.

Personally I feel like they don’t want to be seen talking to the child with additional needs.

ds is upset about being ignored more than anything.

is this just what kids turn into at secondary school?!

I am grateful that a few of the older kids from our area seem more than happy to say hello to him - he likes to say hello to people he knows. It’s just the kids his age in year 7!

anyone else experienced this?

post edited by MNHQ to remove potentially identifying details.

OP posts:
justmindinmybiz · 21/02/2023 06:50

This breaks my heart...my own DS is also similar special needs but only in year 3 at the moment and I worry so much about him not having any friends. I can't imagine what high school will be like :(

Meadowfly · 21/02/2023 06:58

This does tend to happen as they settle into new friendships sadly, for lots of dcs, not just those with additional needs. Friendship groups at the end of year 7 are very different to the beginning, but outright ignoring is unkind, I would mention to school. You can’t force friendships but the school can insist on basic manners and courtesy, such as replying when people speak to you.

2crossedout1 · 21/02/2023 07:05

Yes, sadly I have come across this. Primary school children tend to be open minded and tolerant, at secondary it's all about fitting in and not wanting to look uncool in front of their mates.

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holein1 · 21/02/2023 07:07

In my experience this is a natural thing to happen in year 7 - their pool of kids to make friends with widen and friendship groups that seemed strong in primary change.

Friendship groups evolve so much through the first couple of years of secondary.

None of my DC talk to any of the kids they went the whole way through primary with.

Pointless to talk to the school about it - encourage him to focus on his new friendship group as this is where he'll gain his confidence from and if he's meant to be friends with his old group then they'll all come back together at some point.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 21/02/2023 07:10

My DS year 9 also ASC, ADHD plus other things, has changed friendships. He's got a few from primary but only about 50%, he has loads from secondary. He also doesn't struggle with friendships, but all of the kids change friendship circles at secondary so don't take it personally. Also if a child repeatedly said hello all the time I'm sure kids will back off, it's what they do. I'm not saying being ignored is nice but better than having abuse shouted or told to go away. I'm sure your DS will settle in time and make even more friends that are into the same things as him.

Original poster
User36363637336363 · 21/02/2023 07:10

Thanks all. It is not so much remaining being friends with them. I didn’t stay close friends with anyone from primary at secondary but it is the ignoring I’m more concerned about, they just look right through him. ds comes home upset because they don’t even say hello back or acknowledge him! Some of his primary peers are in his lessons and they supposedly just ignore him!

as in OP, he has met some children with Sen too which has helped! He went to a smallish primary and he never really met anyone with similar needs there!

OP posts:
CornishGem1975 · 21/02/2023 07:13

It's a hard one because there's nothing you can do about it, you can't force other children to acknowledge your DS so I think I'd just encourage him to move on and focus on the new friendships.

Adrelaxzz · 21/02/2023 07:20

DS1 has ASD. All of his primary friends (even the other ASD kid!) dumped him at secondary. Similar happened with kids he knew (but weren't friendly with) when he started college.
Kids get all very insecure at start of high school and are finding their feet, worried about being associated with the weird kid :(
We told him that some friends come and go and that makes space for new friends. He now has a small group of equally unusual friends who are fabulous. They have similar interests. He found most of them through scouts. He knows he will never be super popular and is happy with his friends. He even got invited to a party last week!

MargaretThursday · 21/02/2023 07:30

In year 7 this happens quite a bit to all sorts of children, as they're settling down and jossling to find their place.
Someone was telling me very similar about their dd a couple of days ago, and I was quite surprised as she's always seemed popular and confident to me.
Encourage him to look for new friends, maybe join a club or two and maybe he'll find someone with similar interests.

CalloohCallayFrabjousDay · 21/02/2023 08:09

It is common in year 7 for all kids to change friendship groups (multiple times!). And unfortunately, the children with special needs are often left behind as the other kids interests change i.e. they try to "grow-up" too quickly and start to be interested in dating, music, social media, tv etc where as their peers with special needs are often still interested in the same things they were in primary school. It's bloody cruel really, and its down to the parents to teach their children to have a bit of respect and kindness towards others.

However, my dd has a classmate who has special needs and has attached herself to her and her other friend who all attended the same primary. It's very difficult for dd and her friend as they are both caring girls, but the classmate is making other friendships very difficult as she is quite possessive of them and won't let them "play" with anyone else. It's really quite sad. She is still like a six year old and interested in Barbie and my little pony, whereas they have other interests and the difference is getting bigger the further they go in secondary. It's so hard as clearly the classmate doesn't have any other friends and doesn't have the ability to make new ones as she's in a school that isn't suitable for her.

Original poster
User36363637336363 · 21/02/2023 08:34

Thanks all. Ds isn’t fussed on being friends with them as such, his friendships were never solid at primary school anyway, he was quite often alongside in friendship groups anyway but he’s anxious because they don’t even say hello back when he passes them in the corridor or our in the playground etc.

OP posts:
Choconut · 21/02/2023 08:36

Yes same happened to DS. Tell him that if people ignore him then they're being rude and unkind and those qualities don't make someone a good friend, so he should concentrate on the people who are kind and do speak to him.

coffeeisthebest · 21/02/2023 09:11

Yes this has happened to both my kids during their move up to secondary, I think it is pretty common unfortunately. Have you never experienced this yourself OP? How do you manage it when you do? I suppose your son has some choices here, either continue saying hello, taking the moral high ground perhaps but also risking a rejection each time, or just meet them at their level and don't acknowledge them either. Just allow them to blend into the crowd, or maybe see if there is any eye contact and return it. You seem to be saying that your son has made new friends, so maybe encourage him to focus on these ones and move on from these others, who are perhaps showing different sides now in secondary school. It doesn't mean they are necessarily nasty, I think there is a lot of anxiety and need to fit in at secondary level which makes kids act in different ways. They may change with time..

MNHQ
LivMumsnet · 21/02/2023 09:48

OP, sorry to barge into your thread unannounced but we just wanted to let you know that we edited out a name in your first post as it was reported to us as being potentially identifying to you and your DS. Hope that helps. Smile

BogRollBOGOF · 21/02/2023 09:49

DS went to a different school to most of his class, and while it was hard to split him away from his really good friend, it's easier that it was a totally fresh start than dealing with changing friendships and contexts. He hasn't got any new friends yet, and it will take patience and time.

We still see some of the old classmates in passing and he'll wave at a couple of the closer ones, but most he's mentally decided are irrelevant to him now they're at different schools.

It's a hard transition anyway, and extra hard when autism affects your sense of continuity and routines.

I'm hoping that as DS goes up the school and into set subjects that he'll meet someone more like-minded as he hasn't yet within his tutor group.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 09:52

Op

It may be that mainstream isn’t suitable for him any longer. Not uncommon with teenage years hitting

Petronus · 21/02/2023 09:55

I think this is fairly normal. My ds wanted to distance himself from some primary classmates and have a bit of a fresh start, a lot of them have drifted and made new friendship groups. Having said that, I have a primary dd with asd and I’m anticipating a difficult transition as she wouldn’t get why others were moving on and will probably find the whole thing overwhelming. I don’t think it will be to do with the kids being mean, just that she won’t manage the change.

ChristmasJumperz · 21/02/2023 09:59

Without meaning to dismiss your concerns, ime this is perfectly normal, regardless. I knew kids at primary and kids on our street we'd all play together. But when you get older if they're not in your main group they act like they don't know you and vice versa.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/02/2023 14:20

Another one saying normal, even if upsetting.

idonotmind · 21/02/2023 15:52

So now is the time for your DS to get tough. He doesn't say hello to anyone unless they speak first.

Have you thought about him trying some sort of sport, increase his confidence? Martial arts worked for me, I was the bullied kid and it taught me so much confidence which helped enormously at high school.

Kids can be absolute little shits, and at high school it's dog eat dog so your son needs the appropriate tools to cope.

Parisj · 21/02/2023 16:05

Sadly they are all just trying to survive in their new big world, where social acceptance is everything and it makes them really aware of and shitty towards anyone with perceived difference. I know of a child who used a wheelchair and overnight all his friends stopped wanting to be seen with him. He dropped out of school. I do hate that they do it, but I try to think they are not bad people, they are just not mostly mature enough to override their instincts. I am really glad your son has made some connections, I hope he can sort his study difficulties and continue well at secondary. It does get better but very tribal until year 12.

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 16:07

idonotmind · 21/02/2023 15:52

So now is the time for your DS to get tough. He doesn't say hello to anyone unless they speak first.

Have you thought about him trying some sort of sport, increase his confidence? Martial arts worked for me, I was the bullied kid and it taught me so much confidence which helped enormously at high school.

Kids can be absolute little shits, and at high school it's dog eat dog so your son needs the appropriate tools to cope.

He doesn't say hello to anyone unless they speak first.
not sure I agree with that!

can I ask, now as an adult, are you happy?

idonotmind · 21/02/2023 16:20

can I ask, now as an adult, are you happy?

*

Yup, pretty happy thanks.

If people are ignoring you, sniggering and not responding, how far over backwards are you willing to go? If you were at work in that situation would you still keep persisting and trying to be their friend? I don't imagine you would.

Kids will just laugh and take the piss out of you even more

Original poster
User36363637336363 · 22/02/2023 13:53

Gwen82 · 21/02/2023 09:52

Op

It may be that mainstream isn’t suitable for him any longer. Not uncommon with teenage years hitting

Sadly yes. We are working on moving him to a Sen school. He already has an EHCP but it’s proving hard to get him moved!

OP posts:
Silvergone · 22/02/2023 14:05

How sad. Lots of different things going on and you’ve had good advice but I just wanted to add: boys and girls do grow apart at this age. If when I was twelve a boy I vaguely knew from primary school said hello to me at secondary school in front of my friends then I would have felt very embarrassed and my friends would have been singing “Silver and Andrew sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G”

So as well as the other issues maybe teach him not to say hello to girls unless he’s getting particularly friendly vibes.

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