Kids ignoring my son now they are at secondary.

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Hi all,

I have a 12 year old son who started secondary school in September. He is autistic but has always coped well in a mainstream setting with support. Tbf he isn’t coping too well lately but it’s more so over his academic ability and struggling in lessons.

He went to the same primary for the whole 7 years, the kids at the time were generally a great bunch, most of them knew each other from primary, he had some good friends. He was always quite popular but the gap has between him and his peers.

he has met some new friend at secondary, some with similar needs and interests to him which is fab.

but over the last few months he’s been saying more and more that his old primary school friends (they mostly went to the same school as him) are ignoring him, he’ll say hello but they just pretend they don’t know them! We’ve had an incident out of school at the park where a girl he used to get on well with, just ignored him, some of her friends turned up then they were all pointing and sniggering at him - ds didn’t know her friends. Another boy who he used to get on well with just ignores him, I’m friends with his mum so he sees him out of school too but the boy just pretends he doesn’t see DS.

Personally I feel like they don’t want to be seen talking to the child with additional needs.

ds is upset about being ignored more than anything.

is this just what kids turn into at secondary school?!

I am grateful that a few of the older kids from our area seem more than happy to say hello to him - he likes to say hello to people he knows. It’s just the kids his age in year 7!

anyone else experienced this?

post edited by MNHQ to remove potentially identifying details.

Year 7 is difficult and socially precarious for many (perhaps most) kids. Being identified as an "outsider" at this age can lead to 5 years of social exclusion, which they are desperate to avoid. If the kids blanking your son now have any decency they will already be uncomfortable with the way they are behaving towards him (although combined with irritation at him for trying to interact with them), and when they are older they will feel awful when they look back.

The older kids who are happy to chat with him are in a much more socially secure position, and are displaying confidence in this position by engaging with him.

None of which helps your son, unless he would feel better knowing that their behaviour is coming from insecurity rather than malice.

I was proud that my disabled dd was too academically able to go to the local severe and profound offering where the vast majority of people with her disability go to and went to a bog std deprived comp but it’s meant she hasn’t a friend in the world whereas all that went to the Sen have a great social life it’s like you can only have one or the other

Is he unhappy OP? Dreads going to school? Comes back upset?

Year 7 has been a horrible year for all my children in regards to the friendship groups all changing, even my most sociable child really struggled when people she'd known forever blanked her in their new groups. It does settle again in year 8. Y10 tends to be another shift year.

At least you can explain to him now that this isn't unusual in secondary school and he doesn't need to take it personally. He's sticking to social rules like "say Hi to kids you know" but this no longer applies at secondary as everyone is finding their place. He wouldn't be rude to not follow this rule any more.

Hopefully he will find more like-minded kids in the various clubs, it's the saviour of many. My son sticks to the inclusion area as he knows the other kids with disabilities will be generally nice and bullies won't go there.

DD had this, in all fairness, she also did a lot of ignoring old primary school mates.

I think some move away faster than others and if you didn't click with someone properly, you start just overlooking them.

I wouldn't make a big thing out of it tbh, in a way it's part of teen development.

As a mum of autistic kids, this hurts my heart but it doesn’t surprise me. The transition to secondary for autistic kids is rough, and secondary kids are brutal. It doesn’t surprise me one bit that his old “friends” are rejecting him because they care too much about their own image.

No advice, just solidarity.

Sadly very much so, for a variety of reasons.

Ty. I didn’t even realise my mistake - eek!

Thanks all! I know that kids just want to fit in etc, he’s never really had any friends as such, he’s just happy to say hello or chat to them but he’s struggling to process the overall change at secondary for a variety of reasons. He has has met some new kids and he seems to enjoy their company which is good and they have similar needs to him, there wasn’t many other Sen children at his primary so it’s nice for him to meet other kids with similar needs! He is not enjoying school at all generally but I’m hoping in time things will get better or we will potentially move him to another school!

My kids all did this and had this done, I don’t believe it is any way specific to kids with ND (I mean in general), it’s just what happens for everyone.
when they get to 20’s they all start speaking again 😁

I’m sure you’re just trying to be nice @Twoshoesnewshoes, but unless you have an autistic child you have no concept of the kind of social rejection and social isolation they can suffer from. It really isn’t the same as neurotypical kids being a bit weird with each other.

DS 15 struggled massively with this, worst bit is he doesn’t understand why everyone has changed but he hasn’t. I’ve explained it’s just what happens when you go to high school... he just doesn’t get it. His 3 best friends from primary school barely talk to him and if they do it’s usually rude remarks, his other close friend from primary school who is now his best friend is also autistic so they generally get on very well, have very similar interests. It will get better, DS has made friends with other people mostly the girls as he finds them less immature. It’s hard to get them to understand, DS still asks now but he seems content as he can be considering he hates school.

@Jellycats4life I’m not trying to be nice. There were some comments in the thread about kids blanking other kids because they aren’t cool etc - ime it’s not about that, it’s about new groups, and everyone is blanked the same whether they are ‘cool’ or not.