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Original poster

Teenager driving me mad - not doing chores

43 replies

tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 20:39

I don't often ask for DD (nearly 14) to do much around the house. I usually ask her to put her plate in the dishwasher. Sometimes she wants to buy something and she'll do some jobs for that.

Her room is a pit, I was messy as a child and nothing my parents said or did helped so I'm leaving her to it.

I pay her mobile bill and she has money for snacks at school (plus food from home for her lunchbox).

I've worked an 11 hour day, picked her up from her friend's house, picked up the car from the garage, cooked dinner and I've asked ONE thing today - to load all the stuff from dinner into the dishwasher. After an hour she hasn't done it, claiming she didn't hear me, then when I've reminded her she has moaned and heaved herself about, put 2 things in the dishwasher and then disappeared to the toilet for 15 mins.

I've done some of it and I've had to come upstairs because I'm about to become the kind of shouty mum I don't want to be.

What do your teenagers do around the house? Am I being too soft, too hard?!!

OP posts:
evemillbank · 20/02/2023 20:43

To be honest I'd treat the phone as a reward and only let her have it if she does a.reasonable amount to help out.

InsufficientMum · 20/02/2023 20:45

DS13 puts his laundry away. Will sort and put on a load of washing and then hang it up. Sorts socks but can't fold (dexterity issues). Keeps room clean, sort of. He will blitz it every 4-6 weeks with very little in between. Empties dishwasher if asked. Refuses to do washing up and almost always refuses to load dishwasher. Will vacuum or clean windows if very, very bored.

Lkydfju · 20/02/2023 20:47

DD has a monthly allowance that she gets only if she does certain jobs; if she doesn’t do the jobs she doesn’t get the allowance. I don’t get into nagging her; I remind her that if she doesn’t then she won’t get her allowance then leave it there

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Clymene · 20/02/2023 20:48

She's a teenager. Make some jobs hers, don't spring stuff on her randomly because that will feel unfair. She isn't your partner so she is going to care how long you've worked/the errands you've run.

Sit down with her on a Saturday, agree chore, stick to it.

SlowlyRetreatMyDear · 20/02/2023 20:58

I've done some of it and that is your problem. Stop doing it, she is 14 not 4. She finishes on the toilet and finishes her task.

Her phone is a privilege which she loses if she doesn't complete chores. At 14 she should be unpacking the dishwasher every day as part of her chore routine. You are way too soft on her. I have two teenage sons who put laundry into the laundry baskets, unpack the dishwasher, take bins out, set and clear the table and the kitchen. They help unload shopping when we bring it in and any gardening help we ask them to do.

We did this because we read too many times of lazy arse husbands and I certainly wasn't raising the next generation of them. Dh is fully hands on and cooks, shops etc so he was modelling this behaviour.

Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 20:59

@InsufficientMum that has made me laugh, imagining your DS vacuuming out of boredom. DD doesn't get bored, I couldn't ever imagine her doing that!

OP posts:
Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:02

@Lkydfju we tried the monthly allowance, it didn't work as she just didn't do the jobs and then would wangle my mum into buying her stuff

OP posts:
Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:03

@Clymene I think that's a fair comment. I'll see what she feels she can do. Saturday is a good time to talk about it.

I've just asked her if she's done it, she says she doesn't know 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 20/02/2023 21:05

She needs regular chores so that it's part of her routine. My DS is 10 and he does the following: sorts and puts away own laundry, sets table for breakfast, clears table after dinner and loads dishwasher, tidies own room. He's also been taught how to clean toilet and sink but only does that occasionally. These are life skills which we all need to know!

Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:05

@SlowlyRetreatMyDear I think you're right, thankfully both DH and DS are pretty good around the house, DS would do anything to help. DD is more like me 🤣

OP posts:
SlowlyRetreatMyDear · 20/02/2023 21:11

@tasmaniandevilchaser well if we could all just not do anything I am sure we all would Grin but she needs to start to pull her weight now. I agree with Clymene about springing stuff. As you have a second child they can alternate days which is what mine do, I do the Friday and each child gets a weekend load so Sunday and the other one does Monday.

I think sitting everyone down and people taking ownership of bins, dishwasher days, feeding any animals etc, stripping their beds (mine do this, they put it in the machine and turn it on, I tumble it and chuck that and their bathroom towels, colour coded so you know whose is whose, onto the landing and it all gets put back on their beds by them, towels folded and back onto the towel rail in their bathroom) then you can add to stuff as they get older and used to the chores.

Ds1 is at uni and has a handheld hoover for his room plus a flat mop, his choice, he likes it clean and tidy. He also cleans his bathroom there too.

Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:11

@HotPenguin I think you're right, regular chores - I've remembered that she does put her laundry away, well it's mostly on her floor but I've given up on her room.

The trouble is she won't do regular chores without some motivation, money isn't enough unless she wants something. Maybe her extra money for snacks at school are dependent on her chores. Her phone does lock at 9pm on a weeknight so she gets ready for bed early and doesn't block the bathroom when I'm trying to go to bed. Maybe she'll have to do chores before I'll unlock it.

I can hear her weeping, this is not my finest moment as a mother. I have a horrible feeling DH is helping her.

OP posts:
InsufficientMum · 20/02/2023 21:12

@tasmaniandevilchaser just need to ask him to do his homework!

Nightynightnight · 20/02/2023 21:12

Yeah. An actual chore list of stuff everyone has to do. It helped my kids to see what I do on a massive list written next to what I was asking them to do. Both put away their own washing, empty the dishwasher and clear the hall of all shoes, bags and jackets that they dump there when they get home from school. Those are the jobs they need to do because they live in the house. As a way of earning some pocket money my daughter vacuums the upstairs and the stairs once a week.

They just get on with it when they get home from school because they know that the quicker they do it the quicker they can do whatever they want to do.

Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:14

@InsufficientMum well I'm counting my blessings now because she's always just done her homework without any prompting. Swings and roundabouts!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/02/2023 21:15

You are WAY too soft.

Stop all pocket money and confiscate her phone until she can understand that she needs to contribute. She is a spoilt princess. No doubt with fake eyelashes and those ridiculous nails.

Butterflywing · 20/02/2023 21:18

Give and take, not take take take.
Everything she likes, TV programmes, treats, days out, phone, games , nice clothes, going out with her friends, lifts become the Rewards for being kind and thoughtful.

Get together and draw up a list of day, weekly, monthly and yearly tasks.

Ask her to initial what she'd like to do. Include cooking, laundry, tidying and cleaning.

Tell her she is part of a team and everyone gets to choose what they like to do and when there is choice there is a greater chance of acceptance.

She can also see very clearly how unfair it would be to leave so much to another person.

Spelt out like this you normally find your teenager has a conscience!

Tell her she needs to have the skills for successful independent living and she might as well get practicing now. Don't call it chores, call it teamwork.

When she sees the bigger picture and understands she gets no privileges without pulling her weight you will see a seismic shift.

I've always rewarded my DC for acts of kindness and thoughtfulness which is why they make me a cup of tea when I have come home tired from work and cook me my favourite dinners and do their own laundry.

In exchange I pay for their phone contract and cook them their favourite meals and give them driving lessons and lifts etc.

This makes for a very harmonious family life and good lessons for life learning the benefits of being kind and thoughtful to others.

omnishambles · 20/02/2023 21:21

God, I don't make mine do anything other than all her homework and her music and art practice. They have the rest of their lives to work and they work so hard at school.
Her brother was the same but he's now at uni doing everything for himself with a strong work ethic.

Clymene · 20/02/2023 21:27

Butterflywing · 20/02/2023 21:18

Give and take, not take take take.
Everything she likes, TV programmes, treats, days out, phone, games , nice clothes, going out with her friends, lifts become the Rewards for being kind and thoughtful.

Get together and draw up a list of day, weekly, monthly and yearly tasks.

Ask her to initial what she'd like to do. Include cooking, laundry, tidying and cleaning.

Tell her she is part of a team and everyone gets to choose what they like to do and when there is choice there is a greater chance of acceptance.

She can also see very clearly how unfair it would be to leave so much to another person.

Spelt out like this you normally find your teenager has a conscience!

Tell her she needs to have the skills for successful independent living and she might as well get practicing now. Don't call it chores, call it teamwork.

When she sees the bigger picture and understands she gets no privileges without pulling her weight you will see a seismic shift.

I've always rewarded my DC for acts of kindness and thoughtfulness which is why they make me a cup of tea when I have come home tired from work and cook me my favourite dinners and do their own laundry.

In exchange I pay for their phone contract and cook them their favourite meals and give them driving lessons and lifts etc.

This makes for a very harmonious family life and good lessons for life learning the benefits of being kind and thoughtful to others.

It's a home, not a workcamp. Children don't need to contribute as many hours to chores as parents. I view social development and homework as more important than chores. Any fool can do chores.

Enough to make them feel they're contributing to the household, not enough to encroach on everything else.

Personal - empty bins and put their clothes in the laundry basket. Shared - empty dishwasher and put a load of laundry on. Help bring shopping in and help to put it away. Take a bag or two of rubbish and put in wheelie bin once a week.

That's enough.

Lcb123 · 20/02/2023 21:28

Sorry but you are far too soft. Doing their fair share of household tasks should be normalised and expected from primary school upwards. My family is a team and everyone contributes. I’d have a serious discussion as a family about distributing tasks fairly, and let everyone decide. Have it written up to hold everyone accountable. Especially important if you have both boy and girl kids

Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:32

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy you're so funny! Quite the assumption, fake nails and eyelashes, couldn't be further from the truth! 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
tasmaniandevilchaser · 20/02/2023 21:35

@Butterflywing I like the idea of teamwork, I will draw up a short list of what I do, see what both DC will take on. Thanks for all your ideas and perspectives, including the. assumptions about her nails and eyelashes! 😬

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 20/02/2023 21:36

I think you are being too soft.

Can you not give her her list of chores and if they don’t get done she doesn’t get her snacks money or her mobile paid? You can fine her incrementally

DominoBlue · 20/02/2023 21:38

Have you explained that you are tired? I'm quite ill and mine have seen me crying with pain and fatigue. They know I need help. So one will do dishwasher, washing up or hoover, feed animals as those are quite solitary things but the other likes to "help me" more, so always comes shopping, packs the bags, meal plans and makes sandwiches. Maybe find what she thinks of as the lest objectional chore?I'm always very grateful and make a point of telling them how much its saved me. Also doing things to show how grateful I am or letting them blast the music whilst they are doing it.

If she's crying don't feel bad, it's just her realising how selfish she's been. Teenagers are selfish, they can't always help it. But you know you are teaching her life skills and love day she may be grateful!
I feel guilty often because I need so much help. I think we always feel guilty for something.

DominoBlue · 20/02/2023 21:44

Also, I found rather than saying "please can you empty the dishwasher" I would say "which would you rather do, empty the dishwasher or hoover?" Then says thanks immediately. It's weird but they feel like they have more autonomy.